Smells Like White Spirit

Samuel L Jackson Bed Time Story

2011-08-01T18:55:00.000+01:00

Quit Your Jibber, Jabba

2011-07-12T13:32:00.003+01:00

All my own work.

Learning to Cook

2011-02-03T22:30:00.002Z

Yup, this pretty much sums it up.

The Literal Party for Change

2011-01-20T18:01:00.004Z

Nope, I've not gone all political. It's a party. And I literally want your change.

The aim is to raise much needed funds for Action for Children and have a bit of fun on the way. I'll give you a collecting box to throw your spare change in - and on Saturday 14th January, you bring it with you to get free access to the party.

WHEN: Saturday 14th January, 7.30pm

WHERE: Plymouth - exactly where depends on how many people we get!

WHAT: Party in aid of ACTION FOR CHILDREN

There's no minimum amount needed to be raised, I just want to hear those boxes rattling. And if you can't make the party, but still want to have a box, that's fine too.

I'd like at least 100 people to sign up, if possible - the more people, the better the party! And the more we can raise for this fabulous charity.

Action for Children is committed to helping the most vulnerable children and young people in the UK break through injustice, deprivation and inequality, so they can achieve their full potential. 95p of every pound raised goes directly towards helping kids.

If you want to take part, please email jamie.lee@actionforchildren.org.uk or visit the event page on Facebook - The Literal Party for Change.

Paying Lib Service

2011-01-14T17:14:00.001Z

I called Liberal Democrat HQ today and requested a copy of their manifesto.

They replied "sorry, we've sold out"

I said "I know that, but could I get a copy of your manifesto"?

Tiny Things...

2010-12-31T02:43:00.001Z

I LOVE the new Facebook profile. It means I can do things like this...

Festive

2010-12-20T22:34:00.002Z

Another Prick in Whitehall

2010-12-20T19:41:00.001Z

Click here to view the video in full.

My Racing Snails

2010-12-11T01:15:00.001Z

My racing snail wasn't winning races anymore. So I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work. If anything it just made him more sluggish.

A Beautiful Song about a Mermaid

2010-11-01T21:07:00.001Z

To view this video from email, click here

Charu & Andy's Wedding

2010-09-17T00:24:00.004+01:00

Just when you you're about to stop believing in fairy tales, something happens that gives you hope! My friend Charu has just got married - enjoy the photos.

When Bush Met Sarkozy

2010-08-27T21:30:00.002+01:00

* For those on email, to watch the video click here.

Joke about Growing Up

2010-07-15T14:53:00.002+01:00

When I was a kid, people used to cover me in cream and put cherries on my head. It was tough growing up in the gateau.

Take a Weird Break

2010-07-03T00:23:00.004+01:00

If you aren't already familiar with the spectacularly brilliant website Take a Weird Break, you should be. It's a very funny look at some of the more surreal headlines that appear on those true story mags. Well worth a look.

And here's one I found a few days ago. I can't remember which mag it was in and I have no idea what made her panic to such a degree. I particularly love the tagline - "what was I thinking?"

I imagine the Police knocking on the door and the woman thinking "Oh no, it's the Police! Quick! Cut my tits off!" and then slapping herself on the forehead afterwards. It's a schoolboy error, the girl's got to be disappointed with that.

If I see any more, I will post them here.

World Cup Predictions - Round 2

2010-06-26T14:51:00.002+01:00

OK - so I was sort of right in my predictions for the group stages. In fact, I predicted 7 of the 16 group positions exactly, and 11 of the eventual 16 qualifiers. That's 69% right, for those that care. Probably the least interesting use of the number 69 of all time.

So now it's onto the second round, so here goes:

Holland beats Slovakia
Brazil beats Chile
Uraguay beats South Korea
Ghana beats USA
England beats Germany (obviously)
Argentina beats Mexico
Paraguay beats Japan
Spain beats Portugal

There you go. Three minutes before the games start. I expect to improve on the group 69 from last time.

England vs Algeria

2010-06-18T21:20:00.004+01:00

Well that was the worst England performance I've ever seen, and I'm old enough to remember Graham Taylor. That was utterly shocking. Barely a chance created. It was flat and uninspired. There was no energy, no tempo, no pressing. Pretty much the only positive was that Algeria were so toothless up front that they also couldn't score. Thank Christ for USA - Slovenia drawing their match too - it means qualification is still in our own hands.

Positives? David James looked pretty solid at the back. Barry protected the back four well. Jermaine Defoe looked lively when he came on. We didn't concede. Jamie Carragher can't play against Slovenia - Carragher's shocking lack of pace is a sending off waiting to happen.

So what went wrong? For a start, Heskey isn't an international footballer. He isn't even a Premiership level footballer. The ball bounced off him, and whilst he won the odd header and tracked back well, his overall performance was terrible. I will be gutted if he starts against Slovenia.

Lennon looked totally out of his depth and didn't once try and take on his man. That's pretty poor form for a winger and his confidence is shot.

Rooney looks out of form and utterly frustrated. Lampard was once again anonymous. Gerrard tried hard, but isn't a left-winger.

I think the biggest problem is the system. Rooney is used to playing upfront on his own. Gerrard is used to playing off Torres. 4-4-2 isn't suiting us, we're hoofing it up to Heskey and hoping for flick-ons.

And I don't know what Joe Cole has to do to get a game. If it were up to me, I'd play Rooney up on his own with Gerrard just off him. Barry and Lampard behind them, with Joe Cole on the left. I'd want a LOT more from Lennon, or give SWP a run if Lennon's confidence is shot.

Or why not play Rooney upfront on his own, with Gerrard and Joe Cole playing as a front three?

Whatever, I just hope that Capello is brave enough to realise that his tactics so far haven't worked. Because on this performance, we'll be lucky to get out of the group, let alone win the damn thing.

Smells Like White Spirit - World Cup Edition

2010-06-18T18:29:00.003+01:00

In honour of the World Cup, I've set up a dual World Cup Special version of your favourite website.

Click here to launch Smells Like World Cup Spirit. Enjoy!

A much better Crappy Obviously (not)self-penned Joke

2010-06-14T20:03:00.001+01:00

From my friend Rachel.

Q. What do you call a very grumpy man who's been kicked in the balls?
A. Testy

Crappy Obviously Self-Penned Jokes

2010-06-13T19:24:00.004+01:00

Inspired by the mighty Tafkass and his Very Poor crappy and obviously self-penned jokes, and my Uncle Stephen's self-proclaimed Facebook grumpiness (His status: Q. What do you call a grumpy cow? A. Moo-dy), I have two COSPJ's of my own.

Q. What's the grumpiest day in France?
A. Mardi

Q. What do you call a grumpy dwarf?
A. Tetchy

Ithangyew.

England v USA - Some Thoughts

2010-06-12T21:34:00.002+01:00

Well, the match finished 1-1 and although we played alright, it was a disappointing result. We were playing OK and Gerrard looked back to his best. But then a staggeringly stupid mistake from ex-Norwich keeper Robert Green really knocked the stuffing out of us. And although we had some decent opportunities after that, I never really felt that we looked like retaking the initiative to go on and win.

Some thoughts:

We're really going to miss Rio Ferdinand. Ledley King played well, but was taken off at half-time. Will his glass knees last the tournament? I hope so - Jamie Carragher is NOT an international defender. His lack of pace was frighteningly obvious tonight. He would be utterly unclassed against the likes of Messi.

Lampard is still not showing the class that he shows for Chelsea. He was solid tonight, but unspectacular. More is going to be needed for him as a creative force during this tournament.

Robert Green is not my number one. I'd much rather see Joe Hart in goal for the rest of the tournament. His performance tonight has only cemented that for me. He was ridiculous for the equaliser, and was lucky not to be beaten at his near post in the second half, pushing a shot onto his own post. He's a decent keeper, but Hart is better.

Heskey was fantastic as a target man, but is still utterly useless in front of goal. Is his overall workrate worth the fact he can't hit a cow's arse with a banjo?

Shaun Wright-Phillips is not the answer to England's left-sided problem. I'd love to see Joe Cole given a run.

Rooney was quiet today, I thought. A few good chances, but struggled to get involved. England need to work hard to get him more in the game.

Positives: Gerrard was like a man possessed - finally he's starting to show the same kind of form that he has showed for Liverpool over the years. What will Capello do once Gareth Barry is back? Hopefully not put Gerrard on the left. Glen Johnson was excellent. Aaron Lennon showed some good touches. John Terry was solid.

But it's a point against our main group rivals, so it's not the end of the world. We'll need to work harder and be a lot more creative against the bigger teams if we're in with a chance of winning the thing. Hopefully we'll raise our game against the bigger teams. Having watched Argentina this afternoon, we're going to need to.

It's a Small(-minded) World after all

2010-06-11T16:06:00.004+01:00

This is a letter published in yesterday's Daily Heil. Unbelievable - not so much the underlying racism which is to be expected from a Daily Heil reader - more that they actually chose to publish it. Isn't it lovely to see, at a time when the world comes together?

Inappropriate Company Name of the Century

2010-06-11T14:06:00.002+01:00

From Football 365's Mediawatch

The following press release came to Mediawatch's attention on Thursday:

'"World of Goals" launches a new website and football index to establish and measure the performance of football players, one day before the start of World Cup 2010! Performance and fitness stats of all participating football players will be tracked and can be found on World of Goals website.'

All very nice, until you start abbreviating things...

'The WoG Index uses an algorithm...'

Whoa whoa whoa. On the eve of the first World Cup to be held in Africa, hosted by a country who in the relatively recent past employed a system of government that divided its citizens based on the colour of their skin, a ratings system called the 'WoG Index' has been launched?

A PR success, don't you think?

Football is Brilliant! As is the Queen.

2010-06-10T13:15:00.006+01:00

So my World Cup wallchart is up and I'm ready to dazzle you all with my amazing Mystic Meg-like predictions. GASP as I predict who'll win. SIGH as a further four years of hurt for team En-ger-land. GUFFAW as they all turn out to be hopelessly inaccurate. I'll review the predictions at each turning point of the tournament, not that any of them are likely to be wrong or anything.

NOTE: That's pretty much all the humour used up in this post, and I use the term sparingly. If you're not a football fan, you can pretty much stop reading now. In fact, even if you ARE a football fan, I'd probably stop here. It's quite dull.

GRRRRROUP STAGES:

A Winner: France
A Runner Up: Uruguay

B Winner: Argentina
B Runner Up: Nigeria

C Winner: En-ger-land
C Runner Up: USA! USA! USA!

D Winner: Germany
D Runner Up: Serbia

E Winner: Holland
E Runner Up: Denmark

F Winner: Italy
F Runner Up: Paraguay

G Winner: Brazil
G Runner Up: Portugal

H Winner: Spain
H Runner Up: Chile

So far, so dull. Now it's onto the Second Round:

Holland beats Paraguay
Brazil beats Chile
France beats Nigeria
England beats Serbia
Germany beats USA! USA! USA!
Argentina beats Uruguay
Italy beats Denmark
Spain beats Portugal

Still with me? No? Just me, is it? Well never mind. Here's the Quarter Finals:

Brazil beats Holland
En-ger-land beats France (hurrah!)
Argentina beats Germany (who to cheer for?)
Spain beats Italy (sorry Taf)

Now it's time for the Semis (hur hur)
Brazil beats En-ger-land (Noooo!)
Argentina beats Spain (controversial!)

And finally, literally, it's the Final:

Argentina beats Brazil.

So there you have it. Even with Diego's coke-fuelled moobs in control, the Argies are still going to take home the World Cup. Unless Spain walk it, of course. And this incredible goal from Diego Silva shows why they're most people's tournament favourites. It's tippy tappy interplay that would even give Arsene Wenger an erection.

An Exmoor Adventure

2010-06-05T20:27:00.004+01:00

Had my first adventure of the Summer in Conan, my trustee VW Transporter. I decided to have a look around the North Devon coast. And I have to say, what I discovered absolutely blew me away. Dartmoor was pretty, but Exmoor was simply spectacular. I stayed the night in Selworthy, a secret hidden road just by Minehead. Bizarrely, I drove past a man on his own, playing the bagpipes.

The next morning, I went further into Exmoor. And there were so many fantastic things to see... However, my personal favourite was the Valley of the Rocks (which is a fantastic name in itself). It is, without a doubt, the most beautiful place I've ever seen in England. And, there's a car park... where you can stay overnight for just £5 or £16 for the WHOLE week. That's where my next holiday's going to be!

Here are some photos. They do not do any of the places I've seen justice.

Reasons Not to Listen to your Mother #2156

2010-06-01T18:57:00.003+01:00

I have a skin tag on my neck, which looks a bit like a mole and my mother has been going on at me for months to let her freeze it off. Finally, last weekend, I consented and allowed her to attempt to freeze it off. And the result is, I now still have a skin tag - it just no longer looks like a mole. Now it looks like a very small erect penis. On my neck. Thanks. for. that.

Eurovision 2010

2010-05-30T01:38:00.005+01:00

Just had a top night watching this year's Eurovision Song Contest. The competition was pretty good this year - no outstanding entries, but solid, I thought. Highlights of the night were the Greeks with their mixture of butch tribalness and Belarus' beautiful butterfly costumes. It was won by the Germans, so next year's competition will take place in Germany. I haven't been back to Germany since I lived there - If it's possible to get tickets, I might seriously think about going along - it's on my list of things to do before I die. (Quite low down, though).

Anyhoo, here are some pictures - only three of us went in fancy dress (well done Ruth & Steve!), I had to explain my efforts to the younger ones (I went as Uncle Bulgaria, in case you're wondering). Fortunately, nobody seems to have taken a picture of my grey furry chaps.

The Mascot Nightmares Begin

2010-05-20T13:24:00.003+01:00

MILLIONS of children are waking up this morning drenched in sweat and urine following the unveiling of the London 2012 Olympic mascots.

They smell of whisky and feast on tongues

Wenlock and Mandeville were greeted with a chorus of blood-curdling screams as onlookers trampled each other in a desperate bid to escape.

Meanwhile London mayor Boris Johnson insisted the mascots encapsulated the spirit of the city before kneeling down in front of them and begging for his life.

Emma Bishop, a mother of two from Finsbury Park, said: "The names sound like a pair of prostitute-murdering opium addicts from the 1880s and they look like the Tellytubbies' abusive uncles.

"What we've got here is two giant, damaged teeth, each with a massive, psychotic eye and razor sharp claws. And the blue one seems to using bright, friendly colours to draw attention to his genital area.

"So these things - designed specifically for children - are basically lobster-clawed pervert monsters that remind them of the dentist. Bravo."

Helen Archer, a mother of three from Hatfield, said: "So the next time my five year-old loses a tooth and I tell him to put it under his pillow for the tooth fairy he will scream in terror and tell me it will grow into Wenlock and eat his head like it was a Malteser.

"I honestly can't believe I'm saying this, but Adrian Chiles is no longer the most disturbing thing to appear on The One Show."

Cowering behind the television with a jumper over his head, Archer's seven year-old son Jake added: "Leave me be Mr Mandeville. I'll be a good boy, I promise I will."

The mascots were developed by the sinisterly-named children's author Michael Morpurgo who conducted focus groups across the country to boil down childhood terror to its elemental form.

He said: "We initially thought of using those silent, floating zombies from Buffy The Vampire Slayer but Wenlock and Mandeville have the added bonus of looking like they could suddenly appear inside a pencil case or at the bottom of a Happy Meal."

From The Daily Mash

That's alright then.

2010-05-17T22:49:00.003+01:00

In political news, I see that Labour backbencher Jon Cruddas has ruled himself out of the leadership race. On the same premise, I'd like to point out that after serious consideration, I am also not interested in entering into a relationship with Cheryl Cole.

We both agree she's a horribly violent racist who looks like a very realistic sex doll.

Spam is getting increasingly more surreal

2010-05-17T22:47:00.000+01:00

I want to be a Scientist

2010-05-14T00:44:00.001+01:00

The Dark Side of the Force

2010-05-14T00:33:00.000+01:00

When Dave Met Nick...

2010-05-13T16:58:00.003+01:00

On a lighter note, if you'd like to read a, ahem, different account of Dave & Nick's love-in, you might want to read this.

Summary: According to the BBC News, Clegg and Cameron gave everyone the slip on Saturday - using decoy cars and having aides tell the press they were "going home" - in order to have a private meeting, 'just the two of them.' The BBC then went on to remark on the 'personal chemistry' between the two men. What follows is the natural consequence of this story. I have serious thoughts on the UK election. This is not them. This is a work of pure fiction. I'm sure the reality was much hotter.

Click here for When Dave Met Nick.

(Warning - not suitable for under 18. Does contain quite a lot of gay sex).

Welcome to ConDemNation

2010-05-13T13:25:00.004+01:00

It's a little-known fact that I live my life by a moral code I like to call "What would Aragorn do?" For those that don't know, Aragorn is one of the characters in Lord of the Rings. Yes, I know he isn't real. Stop laughing. Lord of the Rings harks back to an era when honour and principles actually meant something.

So imagine if you will, the Lord of the Rings. The threat of the dark lord Sauron is evergrowing and the whole of Middle Earth stands in the shadow of Mordor... The battles are ferocious, there are losses on both sides. And then, right at the end, at the black gates of Mordor, Aragorn decides "actually, there's not that much difference between us and Sauron. We could probably work something out". They're later seen chatting and joking together, without a care in the world. Can you imagine how Frodo would feel?

And that's kind of how I feel about Nick Clegg leaping into bed with the Tories.

In the run up to the election, it wasn't easy to know who to vote for. I felt that Labour had lost their way somewhat and the country needed freshening up. However, at the same time, I knew I didn't want the Tories in. So voting for the Lib Dems seemed to make the most sense, with the hope of a Lib / Lab hung parliament that could bring about real change.

So I ended up voting Lib Dem - and in my constituency, the increased Lib Dem vote watered down the ruling Labour vote, and the Tories took full advantage and won the seat.

If I had known that the Lib Dems were going to jump into bed with the Tories, I'd have never voted for them. In fact, there's a real chance I'll never vote for them again. How many Lib Dem activists must be be recoiling in utter horror at what's transpired? THEIR party has let the Tories in? I know for one - if I'd have given up my time to canvass for them (and I did seriously consider it), I'd be furious now.

To be quite honest - I want my vote back.

One last word - Nick Clegg is playing an unbelievably dangerous strategy. Yes, I understand that Labour weren't really interested in forming a coalition. Yes, I know that the Lib Dems may soften the Tories' darker side. I even get the fact that principles without power (the default position of the Lib Dems since the 20s) is eventually pointless.

However, the Lib Dems picked up an awful lot of disillusioned ex-Blairite Labour supporters in the past election. By throwing his hand in with the Tories, all Clegg has succeeded in doing is sending those voters back to Labour in their droves.

Nick Clegg may be a man of principles. And he will get experience of government, plus the chance to actually implement the changes to this country he so clearly believes in. However, it remains to be seen how many of his supporters will feel disillusioned, lied to and utterly betrayed. I personally would never have voted Lib Dem if I'd have known that they'd end up backing the enemy. I suspect short-term power may well lead to a longer-term backlash. And for those of us that are old enough to remember the election of 1997 - the Tories know all too well what happens when the electorate feels betrayed.

I think Nick Clegg's only chance is for this parliament to run the full 5 years and hope that we've all forgotten by then. I think that a snap re-election would see a very different outcome.

Political Lookeylikey

2010-05-03T22:14:00.002+01:00

I give you Data Cameron, from Star Trek.

"Raise Your Left Leg... Ahaa! I didn't say Simon Says!"

2010-05-02T00:35:00.004+01:00

David Cameron Exposed

2010-04-30T21:38:00.003+01:00

Great video from Armando Ianucci's Time Trumpet in 2006. For those that don't know, Time Trumpet is set in about 2030, nostalgically looking back at what happened in the distant past (our present). If you're getting this on email and want to watch the video, click here.

Standoff between David Cameron & Gordon Brown

2010-04-30T21:33:00.002+01:00

Click here to watch the video

David Cameron presents a New Vision for Britain...

2010-04-23T23:38:00.002+01:00

Frankly hilarious. Whoever made this is an utter genius.

If you're reading this via the email link, click here to watch the video.

Raging Against the Machine

2010-04-22T14:47:00.007+01:00

Those that know me well will know that I am an avid follower of politics. However, it is a bittersweet relationship, because it is also so inherently unfair and makes me so utterly cross. Let me explain.

I believe that voting in an election is a tremendously important thing to do. I believe that it should really matter. I believe that it is something that should be contemplated in depth. Voting should not be like supporting a football team, your allegiances can change as the parties themselves change.

However, I also know that this is an idealist, yet sadly irrelevant view of our democracy. Because of the electoral system that we have, the vast majority of people's votes are deemed worthless. Let's look at my own constituency, Plymouth Sutton.

Results at 2005 General Election:
Labour: 15,497
Conservative: 11,388
Lib Dem: 8,685
UKIP: 2,392
Socialist Labour: 230
Total votes: 38,192.

Labour won the seat, but this means that 22,695 voters may as well have not bothered - their vote simply won't count because they didn't vote for the winning party. Those people are therefore unrepresented in the House of Commons, and that's 7,000 more people than ARE represented by the winning party. How can that be fair or even democratic?

So now we have 2010. I'm going to vote Lib Dem, but it would need a pretty big swing from the figures in 2009 for the Lib Dems to realistically win the seat. So should I vote tactically? But that would actually mean voting for someone that I DON'T want to win, to stop someone else getting in. In which dimension is it a good thing to be forced to vote for someone you don't want?

But at least in my constituency, they're in with a chance. There are plenty of constituencies with huge majorities for one party, where you may as well not bother voting if you don't support that ruling party.

No wonder there is such apathy in the nation when it comes to politics - everyone just knows that deep down, voting really doesn't matter that much. And that's it, I guess. I WANT to believe that voting is important. I TELL people that they should get out and vote. But deep down, I know that apart from in a few closely-fought seats, you might as well not bother.

This election, Nick Clegg of the Lib Dems is really enjoying a wave of popularity. Why? Because the nation wants Gordon Brown to get out, but doesn't particularly want the Tories in. And for the first time in quite a while, there does seem to be a valid third way, a way that isn't better the devil you know or the devil itself.

But he won't get in. We all KNOW that. Even if he were to ride a Barack Obama-esque wave of popularity, he still wouldn't get in. Not least because we're all told so often that the Lib Dems are irrelevant, that they'll never be in power, that it's a wasted vote. People may flirt with the Lib Dems but in the end, they'll vote for one of the two because they know that real change isn't actually possible.

And talking of the media... Well, we all know that the papers are split into two main camps - those that are supporting the Tories (Sun, Star, Times, Mail, Express, Telegraph) and those that are supportive of Labour (Mirror, Guardian, Independent). The Indy & Grauniad are sympathetic to the Lib Dems, but they're always going to be reluctant to desert Labour.

This means that the Lib Dems are doing what they're doing without any mainstream support. In fact, now that they are being perceived as a threat to Cameron's Conservative revival, the right-wing press has Nick Clegg firmly in their sights. Here's a selection of today's Front Pages:

- The Times: Cameron: Hung Parliament will risk Economic Disaster
- The Sun: Wobble Democrat
- Di'ly Express: Nick Clegg's Crazy Immigration Policy
- Daily Heil: Clegg in Nazi Slur on Britain
- The Torygraph: Nick Clegg, the Lib Dem donors and payments into his private bank account

Only the Independent (Clegg Raises the Stakes) offers anything pro-Clegg on its front page. The Guardian and Mirror don't even mention him.

Nazi slurs, immigration wobbles, expense scandals... Grasping at straws, no doubt, but on the eve of the second leader debate, it is timely to say the least.

So the poor Lib Dems... Labour has boundary reform in their favour (which means that they could actually come 3rd in terms of the popular vote, but still win a Commons majority), the Tories have most of the press... And the Lib Dems stand alone. However, I do believe that this year could be different. I don't believe for a second that the Lib Dems will get in. However, I do think there is a real chance that there could be a hung parliament. And with a hung parliament, the Lib Dems will insist on REAL voting reform.

Forget the fearmongering, real voting reform is EXACTLY what this country needs. I want to live in a country where my vote does matter and real change is possible. We live in a country where we got Rage Against the Machine to Number 1 as a protest against Shit-Factor or Britain Must Be Stopped or whatever it was. Half a million people gave enough of a shit against Simon Cowell to get off their arses and do something. I would love it if people felt the same about who is running the country. And for that, you have to feel included, you have to feel that your vote counts.

UKIP Me Hanging On

2010-04-22T13:57:00.003+01:00

Great stuff as UKIP's Lord Pearson makes an utter tit of himself on The Campaign Show by not appearing to have any knowledge whatsoever of his own party's manifesto.

Did the Earth move for you?

2010-04-21T11:39:00.004+01:00

I'm moving to Iran. According to Hojjat ol-eslam Kazem Sediqi (the acting Friday prayer leader in Tehran), promiscuous women are actually causing earthquakes. Clearly these degenerate woman and their richter-scale lovemaking are seriously worth knowing. In the biblical sense.

There's a great quote in the article:

"Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes," he explained.

I don't think I've ever read one sentence with so many non-sequiturs in it. Firstly, there is the obvious implication that we men are powerless to resist the fiery biscuits of these strumpets.

However, I love the casual 'which increases earthquakes' as if it's a scientific causal effect. Well, I think that Dave Cameron is a slippery little shit and just the thought of him being in power makes volcanoes in Iceland go off. And I'm fairly certain that Simon Cowell is individually responsible for global warming. The bastard.

The Van with No Name

2010-04-20T16:17:00.009+01:00

Still trying to think of a good name for my van. Started off with Dubya, which didn't really stick. Then, when it turned out that the turbo wastegate wasn't broken and all it needed was a good throttle, I decided on Kristian Stranglewank. However, that does sound a bit like something from Salad Fingers and is perhaps not in the best taste.

I've now finished doing it up (with a lot of help from my folks, thanks!) and it's ready. I've put in a sofa bed, kitchenette sink & hob, new lino, curtains, material around the walls and on the outside, I've sprayed out all the scratches. It doesn't look showroom smart, but it looks pretty damn good to me. I'm hoping that as I spend more time with it, a name will be forthcoming. It took something like six months or so to come up with Fredzilla.

Anyhow, here are some pics of what I've done. Enjoy!

Who has Dave been talking to?

2010-04-19T15:18:00.005+01:00

Click here to find out just who Dave has been talking to.

"Last week, I met a wheelchair-bound burglar, who told me that the underclass makes them want to leave the country if the Conservatives don't win."

"Last week, I met a sort of family, who told me that paedophiles drink white cider on the street and start fights."

"Last week, I met an Afghan reformed paedophile, who told me that David Milliband was no substitute for a proper married relationship."

"Last week, I met an Afghan burglar, who told me that Hadley Freeman raped the next door's beagle."

"Last week, I met a Northern seaman, who told me that climate change hysteria set fire to a bag of kittens."

I'm not saying I have a large penis. But I am implying it

2010-04-15T01:18:00.012+01:00

Just back from a fun weekend spent with my family in Ipswich - culminating in a visit to the O2 Arena to watch the WWE wrestling. Now, I actually quite like wrestling. Watching it, I mean. So I was so excited when we got the tickets, I told everyone that I would only go if we went in fancy dress.

I decided to rework an old favourite, so my character was Giant Mansacks. Seemed like such a good idea at the time, until my sister (who's been before) told me that NO ONE else dresses up and they all take it VERY seriously.

On the night, both me and my nephew Jake got dressed up and I was slightly worried that our irreverent costumes might annoy a few people... But I needn't have worried. Aside from a few embarrassed parents trying not to explain to their 6-year old children what 'mansacks' were, most people took it in good spirit. And the guest presenter was David Hasselhoff!

So, here are some choice photos of the night.

Three is the Magic Number

2010-04-06T22:51:00.004+01:00

Today is a very special day. Today is the 3 month anniversary of when I stopped smoking for the very last time. There are certain important milestones when you stop smoking, but none are so important as the three month mark. Because when you hit three months, you know you've really cracked it. In fact, it's such a good sign, I only realised it was three months today by complete accident.

Don't get me wrong, I do still think about it VERY occasionally. Every now and then I get the slightest of cravings... Actually, it's not so much a craving, it's more like a memory of something I used to do. It's a bit like bumping into an old girlfriend who broke your heart ten years ago - the pain is totally gone and forgotten, but the memory of it can still make you contemplative for a minute or two.

However, there is absolutely no question whatsoever of me ever smoking again, and that's a wonderful feeling. I have battled to reach this point for some considerable time, so I'm going to enjoy this moment.

I understand that there's no such thing as just one cigarette, no matter what. I can never 'just this once' take the risk. And for the first time ever, I really appreciate and accept that. But perhaps more importantly, I don't feel that I'm being denied anything, I don't feel that I'm missing out. Whether I'm having a good day or a bad one, smoking is just no longer inside my thought process.

I guess I no longer define myself by whether I smoke or not - I'm not a recovering ex-smoker, I'm a confirmed non-smoker. And I have to say, that feels pretty bloody good. I just wish I'd reached this point years ago!

The Gordfather

2010-04-01T15:04:00.008+01:00

The other Gordon Brown election posters from the Guardian.

April Fooooool!

2010-04-01T14:56:00.004+01:00

Usual bunch of prank stories in today's papers for April Fool's Day. But one that made me laugh quite a lot was in the Guardian. The story suggested that Labour was responding to the Tories' negative campaign with a poster campaign of their own. In short, Labour had decided to capitalize on Gordon Brown's unlikeable persona by portraying him as a hard man bully boy:

But what makes this story really funny is that some people really fell for it.

The Daily Mail Song

2010-03-29T23:39:00.001+01:00

Cock-a-doodle-don't

2010-03-24T23:02:00.001Z

Simply speechless.

Child's Guide to Modern Britain

2010-03-17T16:40:00.003Z

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggie a bone,
When she got there the cupboard was bare because she had spent 13 years creating public sector non-jobs for people with worthless degrees. So the poor little doggie shat in her bed.

There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse
And they all lived together in a little crooked house that he bought with a secret loan from a millionaire chum that he didn't declare to his mortgage lender because he's a sleazy prick who thinks he's better than you.

Old King Cole was a merry old soul and a merry old soul was he; He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl but he only got his bowl because some bullshit statistics showed that if he smoked his pipe then at least two of his fiddlers would die of cancer.

As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
They were all sitting on the platform at Bristol Temple Meads and had been there for about three hours because the rail system in this country is a pile of fucking shit.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses, And all the King's men
Did not have enough helicopters to put Humpty together again and anyway it's a waste of time because it is a vicious tribal dispute that will continue long after we have been forced to withdraw.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
And this little piggy flipped his London flat and his constituency home eight times and used your money to pay for a new conservatory, a massive telly and a vibrating chair and then tried to stop you finding out about it,
All the way home.

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
By the way, the chief medical officer says that amount of treacle is really bad for you and that excessive treacle eating is costing this country £14bn a day in lost productivity and exploding children.

Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, but it will cost you £1.20 a bag because of the government's latest hike in wool duty and the fact that sterling is now worth less than the Albanian Lek.

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain.
He would have stepped in a puddle
Right up to his middle
But luckily he was a GP so was driving one of his Range Rovers to the golf course while his receptionist referred all his patients to the local chemist.

One, two buckle my shoe
Three, four, knock at the door
Five, seven is it? I'm sorry, I went to a state school that felt that arithmetic was not as important as teaching me about lesbians and socialism.

Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
But the police and fire brigade won't be able to do anything in case they breach the latest health and safety directive from the Department of Fucking Arseholes.

From the Daily Mash

Button Injured in Horrific F1 Accident

2010-03-16T01:00:00.000Z

A Joke for Geeks

2010-03-11T10:57:00.001Z

Trololololololololololo

2010-03-04T12:29:00.002Z

Is this the best website in the world? Hard to say... Big thank you to King Clit for the heads up on this one. If you can't see this video, click here to watch.

Dubya

2010-03-03T01:53:00.003Z

First pics of my new van, which I pick up in Horrabridge at 10am on Saturday.

Travel Update!

2010-03-03T01:39:00.002Z

So here's the latest on what's going on with the Fister.

Turns out, the Rozzers were at the accident. Yay!
But it was caused by a stolen car. Boo!
However, they did arrest a person at the scene. Yay!
Although he denied everything, and was therefore bailed for 10 weeks. Boo!
But he has subsequently admitted everything, so he is likely to be charged soon. Yay!
But I have to wait til he is convicted before the insurance will go through. Boo!
Although it will not affect my no claims and I will get the whole amount paid. Yay!
Minus my exess of £350. Boo!
Until he is convicted and then I should get that as well. Yay!
But the Fister is a write-off. Boo!
Although the engineer did value it at the same amount as what I paid for it, 10 months ago. Yay!
But I'm now without a car. Boo!
Although I have now bought a replacement. Yay!

OK, that's quite enough panto for now. Yes, my poor Fister is dead and I'm in the process of replacing it with... a white VW transporter.

Yes, that's right, folks - Chez is getting yet another van. This one is white, P reg, diesel and I got it for an absolute bargain price. The plan? Throw a bed, a hob and some cupboards in the back, paint zebra stripes on the outside and head for the hills...

Pics to follow, just as soon as I get them. And as for a name? Well, my previous vans - Fredzilla and Rudy - grew into their names. I'm thinking either Zebedee (if I go for the zebra stripes) or quite simply Dubya. Or maybe von Dubya. Suggestions gratefully received.

Myface Stalkbook Exchange Between Tafkass and Yours Truly...

2010-02-22T15:41:00.002Z

TAFKASS: Still having trouble sleeping properly... in fact, if I were Madonna, I'd be "Desperately Seeking Snoozin".
Yesterday at 22:24 • Comment •Like Unlike

CHEZ GUEVARA: Taf, that's like (a) vigin on the ridiculous
about an hour ago

TAFKASS: I know. Not sure why I can't sleep; maybe I need some Bedtime Stories. Or perhaps it's something to do with my duvet cover; in fact, I asked my sister the other day - "Am I using the wrong Material, Girl?"
about an hour ago

CHEZ GUEVARA: It could be the mattress. Have you got anything you could use temporarily whilst you sort it out, Like a (Pr)air Bed?
about an hour ago

TAFKASS: I think I know what the problem is - I've got two single beds, and, because I'm too tight to buy a double, I've just pushed them together and am sleeping on that. Problem is, they tend to separate during the night, and I keep falling Into the Groove.
50 minutes ago

CHEZ GUEVARA: Yes, I can see how that would be a problem. And the more you try and rectify the problem, the Deeper and Deeper you go. Although apparently Anita Roddick, the founder of the Body Shop has branched out into sleep clinics, which might be worth a try. I think it's called Lazy Lab Anita.
27 minutes ago

TAFKASS: I've also just realised that my curtains are a little short for the window, and the resultant Ray of Light probably isn't helping; when the sun's Orbit is mixed in, it just makes it worse. But thanks for the tip, Chez - I'll give it a try. At the end of the day, I just want something which will make me go to sleep... uhh.. quicker. Or as the French might say, Ehhh... Vite-er.

(By the way, girls, we're both single, if you're wondering.)
13 minutes ago

***************************************************************

For more horrifying puns and mayhem, go visit The Artist formerly known as Shit Sandwich (Tafkass) at www.verypoor.co.uk

Putting the 'Hard' into Aardvark.

2010-02-21T04:40:00.000Z

Shit and Run

2010-02-18T15:35:00.002Z

You know life does have a way of really testing you when you don't really need any more testing, thank you very much. Went outside my house today and some utter shit has smashed my car up. I cannot understand how it's happened, though - the damage is on the side by the pavement, not the road. It's either someone that can't park and has done a runner or a pissed-up kick. Utter, utter bastards.

I tell you, if I got my hands on them, it'd be like watching a stoat in a bucket of kittens. So long as they were tied firmly to a chair and couldn't hit me back, obviously.

Tory Story - I can do PR, me

2010-02-18T13:24:00.007Z

Just found a tremendous website where you can make your own very airbrushed 'Dave' Conservative poster, thanks to Taf over at Very Poor. Click here to make your own or see what other people have done.

In the meantime, here are my contributions:

Testes Testes

2010-02-18T13:11:00.002Z

For some reason, the email delivery thing has stopped. So this is a test. Move on, there's nothing to see here.

Permission to be mightily embarrassed, Sir?

2010-02-17T00:00:00.004Z

Permission granted. Aaaaaarrrrghh! I really should be banned from going near a computer when I'm stopping smoking. Of course my dark mood has flown as quickly as it came, and today I am left sheepishly reflecting on a rather melodramatic outpouring of self-indulgent nonsense. Again.

Still, it's good to know that I'm not actually mental. And it's a useful point of reference if I have another crisis to know that is isn't actually real. But now I'm in virgin territory - I really don't know what comes next. It's different when you're giving up because of someone else and I've usually fallen over by now. I'm hoping that's it and I've cracked it, but I'm not going to bank on it. That's just what it wants me to think...

So it's back to normality and apologies for those of you that actually read through it all.

The Spell is Broken, Crisis Averted

2010-02-14T18:22:00.004Z

Phew. I was ambushed last night by an overwhelming and surprising need to smoke and I was totally unprepared for it. I managed not to smoke, obviously, but it gave me such terribly sad dreams (thanks for nothing, subconscious) that I awoke feeling unbelievably low. I can laugh about it now, but it felt pretty damn real at the time. It was the usual stopping smoking stuff - life is rubbish, you feel crap, you can't cope with it, what you really need is a cigarette, that will make it all better...

Fortunately, I decided to do something about it rather than mope about the house in a cloud of self-pity. I went to Aldi and bought misshapen vegetables, I went for a four-mile walk around Burrator, I made myself a full Sunday roast and I made a huge pot of my special soup to eat during the week. Lovely.

And that did the trick, it got me out of the melancholy in which I'd somehow managed to find myself. It's so weird that it can get me like that, it's like a veil of deception slowly descends and makes you see life in a very different way to how you normally do. It makes you forget what's real and what's not.

It's bizarre, because I'm actually feeling really quite positive about things at the moment. I've stopped smoking (and everyone who knows me will appreciate how important that is for me). I'm living healthily, with proper food and actual real-life exercise and I'm even enjoying it (mostly). Work is better now than it has been for about two years - I've already done more business this year than I did in the whole of last year. Sams is going well, I've got my fundraising mojo back and I'm three weeks into a new training group. I have a tremendous group of friends, both new and old. On the whole, life is pretty good.

On the relationship front, which was the battleground of the latest attack, I'm also feeling pretty comfortable. I've been single for nearly a year and a half and although of course I'd like to eventually meet the girl of my dreams, I'm in no rush to jump into anything. I know what I want and what I don't want. It has to be right, on both sides, and sooner or later, someone I think is brilliant will also think I'm brilliant. Until that point, I'll just carry on being brilliant on my own.

It's just that when the smoking veil of deception is lowered... I forget all of that, I really do. I suddenly feel terribly lonely, insecure, rejected, incapable, demotivated, inadequate, helpless and hopeless... followed by the sickening realisation that the only thing I really have in my life is a cigarette. And that is really how it gets me, often without any real basis whatsoever. It's like being under a magic spell or hypnosis. And it really does take a superhuman effort to snap myself out if it and get back to reality. And when I do, it's actually like waking up from a bad dream, you can't quite believe that you felt like that.

That's one of the reasons why I write these little updates - they're probably not of much use or interest to anyone else but me, but they do enable me to remember what's important when the veil descends. Because it can be frightening - it's so real at the time and yet it's absolutely not me at all. There's a part of you that is in some way aware of what's going on, but no matter how loud you shout, you just can't break the spell.

Fortunately, I'm not the only one. Having spoken to a few ex-smokers and to others who are in the process of stopping smoking, it would appear that my experience is not unique. And that's really quite reassuring to hear, to know that I'm not actually going mad - and that it does go away eventually. Someone has told me that by three months, you're normally out of the woods and into the clear. I'm about halfway there, madness permitting.

One last thing - I will allow myself a modicum of pride - I have managed to overcome the six-week hurdle, which has made me fall so many times in the past. I managed to shake myself out of it, to break the spell and come out of the other side. I'd like that to be the last attack, please, but we'll see. Onwards and upwards.

Below the Belt on Valentines Day...

2010-02-13T23:24:00.003Z

Yup, it's another smoking update. I'm nearly at week 6 of stopping smoking and I've reached the point where the vast majority of my previous attempts to stop have failed. I don't know why it is, but around the six-week mark, the smoking bug just creeps back into my head and I can really, really feel it trying to force its way in. Like menstruating at Castle Dracula, this is a very, very dangerous period.

It was around this time in December that my last attempt failed - back then, I was working nights which made me overtired. This in turn - coupled with smoking withdrawals - made me overemotional, which made me want to smoke. And rather than it being a craving of wanting to smoke, it felt like a fact that it was only a matter of time before I would smoke. Not a fear, not a desire, but a hard, cold, undeniable fact. And no matter how much I tried to dismiss it, not acting on it felt as futile as saying I would never eat or breathe again. I genuinely felt like I didn't have a choice, all I was doing was delaying the inevitable.

This time it's different. Not because I feel different, because I don't. I feel just as vulnerable as I did back in December, perhaps even more so. And I can feel it once more, checking for cracks, looking for a weakness to exploit, trying to get me to recognise the futility of believing I can stop. Tonight, incidentally, it's trying to get me on Valentines Day, trying to get me to reflect on love lost and rejection. It would be so easy to follow that path, to immerse myself in melancholy and misery - it's not fair and it's below the belt. And yet I know where that path will lead. And that's why this time it's different.

It's different because I realise that this is actually just smoke and mirrors. I am normally a tremendously positive person, comfortable with myself and my surroundings, I'm not a particularly insecure person - the only time I get in any way maudling or self-doubting is when it comes to smoking. The physical dependency of smoking is broken within days of stopping - the psychological dependancy takes much, much longer and it undermines my very being until I eventually break. I can't believe that it's taken me this long to really appreciate that.

The complicated thing about all this is that it's hard to tell what's real emotion and what's smoking-related nonsense. I think that there is an element of reality, but that it's magnified manifold by smoking's desire to break me. It's funny - many non-smokers think that smokers are weak. If only they knew the psychological battle we face and the mental strength needed to overcome it.

In the past I have been able to stop smoking, but it's often been for other people. This time I've broken that link and I'm doing it just for me. That's a good thing, and I know that when I do break the psychological hold it has over me, it will taste all the sweeter.

Whatever happens, I will not smoke. It can break me into a thousand pieces, I will not smoke. Because this time I have finally seen it for what it is, it's a con act, an illusion, a simple trick which I have always fallen for - I stop smoking, it makes me feel crap, I dig in, it keeps making me feel crap, eventually I crack and then I smoke. Finally I have worked it out and I will simply not react to it.

In some ways, it feels like I am trapped in a cold, dark cell, with walls of thick, grey stone. And yet if I look closely, the walls are just cinematic props, made of paper. I just have to recognise that, remember that and punch my way through. It's going to take some time, but for the first time ever, I now have a cold, hard, undeniable fact of my own: whatever the question, smoking is not the answer.

Run Fatboy Run

2010-02-09T17:46:00.002Z

Well, I'm a month into my training routine for the Plymouth Half Marathon and truth be told, I've hit a bit of a snag. See, I have never really run in my life - and I only stopped smoking just over a month ago, so my initial level of fitness isn't the best. I found a running schedule for beginners on the internet to prepare for a half marathon in 20 weeks and I can't keep up. Or more to the point, my fitness isn't improving fast enough to keep up with the schedule. I guess there are 'normal beginners' and then there's me.

To be fair to my already dented pride, I always thought the schedule was ambitious, to say the least. To go from wheezing, smoking couch potato to running for 30 minutes without stopping in just 6 weeks was simply never going to happen, no matter how many ice baths I take. And I haven't missed a session in the last 5 weeks or so since I started, no matter how much I hurt - I just can't progress at the level I should be according to the schedule.

At first glance, this may appear to be yet another 'Chez in massively over-ambitious and highly unrealistic doomed to fail plan shocker', but it won't be. I am training when I need to, I just need to take it more at my own pace and develop naturally and organically, rather than by some off the peg plan. The plan works on paper, but is simply unrealistic in real life.

So I have thrown it in the bin and got a more realistic plan from a friend who's recently got into running herself - I've tweaked my diet to be a bit more training-friendly - and now that my fitness is better, I'm ready to go to the gym to build up a bit of muscle so my shell-shocked body can handle it a bit better. And I'm still doing the ice baths - my legs would have fallen off by now without them. Seriously, they're not as bad as you think. Well, they are, but you get used to it.

And the marathon? Well, my plan is to not worry about it too much, just gradually keep increasing my fitness. And I suspect that if I am able to do that, to the point where I can run for more than half an hour without stopping - well, I will run, walk and crawl my way round if I have to.

Opponents of Assisted Suicide still convinced it's any of their business

2010-02-01T11:08:00.001Z

PEOPLE who are opposed to assisted suicide are still absolutely convinced that it is any of their business, according to a new survey.

A BBC opinion poll found that of those who are against voluntary euthanasia, more than half are 'fairly' or 'reasonably' sure they need to have an ill-informed opinion about the inner-most recesses of someone else's soul.

Meanwhile almost a third continue to believe it is more their business than the person who is actually trying to kill themselves.

The poll asked, 'Someone you don't know with a horrible disease wants a close friend or relative to help them end their lives - what the fuck has it got to do with you?'.

According to the survey 22% said 'a bit the fuck to do with me', 46% said 'a lot the fuck to do with me' and the remaining 32% said that absolutely everything was their business all the time.

The survey is part of a Panorama special on people who have been charged with the murder of a relative after the Crown Prosecution Service decided not to listen to a single word they were saying.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "While there is always the risk of someone using it as a cover for actual homicide, in the vast majority of cases it really is none of your business, so just shut up.

"Meanwhile if the police suspect foul play there is nothing to stop them launching a full investigation, thus giving Midsomer Murders that glorious whiff of authenticity."

Terminal illness sufferer Julian Cook, from Grantham, added: "If they're so sure that the number of days I choose to be alive has got something to do with them then perhaps they could give my wife the afternoon off and help me wipe my bum while telling me lots of fascinating things about Jesus."

From the Daily Mash

Fags for Nothing

2010-01-27T15:23:00.004Z

Today I have reached the magical three week mark of stopping smoking, and as such, I am now officially no longer mental. Therefore, unless the absolutely unthinkable happens (which it won't), there will be no more smoking updates. Simply assume that I'm still not smoking unless you hear otherwise (which you won't). And believe me, if I do fall over again (which I won't), the fallout will make Chernobyl look like a birthday candle (although hopefully with fewer dead sheep).

When Myface goes wrong...

2010-01-25T16:22:00.001Z

Marval-ous

2010-01-24T23:38:00.004Z

Just spent a short mini-break with friends in la belle France and managed not to smoke for the whole time I was out there. What was especially pleasing was the fact that many of my old triggers were there and I wasn't the slightest bit tempted.

On the first night, I only had one hour's sleep, which left me feeling massively overtired and therefore a little bit emotionally fragile. This was what got me last time, but this time, I managed to not react like a petulant infant. Throughout the weekend, I was in the company of three people that were smoking and there was also a fair amount of alcohol. Although I was careful on the alcohol side, I didn't find that drinking or being around smokers made me want to smoke. I was tremendously pleased about that.

All things being considered, I felt pretty good about it all. Wednesday will be the three-week magic mark and hopefully bring an end to the emotional turmoil I always get in those first three weeks. I'm feeling overtired again this evening and therefore still a bit wide-eyed (it's amazing how lack of sleep really does affect me) but it's nothing a good night's sleep won't sort out and I should be completely back to normal by Wednesday.

I'm hoping that my brain doesn't find something wonderfully interesting and yet strangely pointless to occupy itself with tonight. Last night, having spent the evening reading a book about eco-houses and do-it-yourself builds, I was awake until around 3 in the morning imagining how I would build a yurt complex around a giant tree. I pondered over the idea of incorporating a double-decker bus into the scheme - it's always been a bit of a dream of mine to convert and live in a double-decker bus. I decided that I would try to include it, if at all possible, perhaps somewhere in the centre.

After spending around half an hour trying to work out the logistics of the composting toilet, I remembered that I don't actually own any land (with or without a giant tree) or a bus and am not likely to in the foreseeable future. And with that, I turned over and finally went to sleep. Still, it's good to have dreams, eh? Something to work towards - so long as the dreams don't keep me awake all night.

Oh, and France? We were in Marval, which is erm, in the middle of France somewhere. We spent a couple of days in a beautiful house with our friend's mum, which was wonderful (thanks Fred!). I ate my own bodyweight in cheese and loveliness, went to a market, bought some tea, discovered the wonders of a raclette (I've never had so much fun cooking a tiny omelette) and I saw a real-life leopard-skin horse (at first I thought it was a zebra, but instead of stripes, it had spots).

All in all, a top weekend. Great company, great surroundings, good food, no slip-ups and I even managed to stick to my new running routine when I was out there. I'm sad to see Anna once more head off for distant shores... Still, if I can just get my work stuff back on track, there's a holiday in the Maldives with my name written on it...

The Running Man

2010-01-20T23:54:00.005Z

I am now in my second week of training for the Plymouth Half Marathon, and things are indeed hotting up. I did about two miles today (half walk, half run) and my fitness is already starting to improve. And bizarrely, I actually really enjoyed it. I mean yes, it was hard, I thought my legs were going to fall off and yes, I did have to really push myself, especially at the end. But I found myself smiling once I'd finished, and I was deliriously happy and rather hyper for about 2 hours afterwards. In fact, it felt almost exactly like being on ecstacy, I should imagine.

Afterwards, I tried a new thing, which I was tremendously excited about. I tried an ice bath. You have to remember, I haven't run since, well, never. And after the first couple of training sessions, my poor underused muscles were screaming. Not just afterwards, I'm talking about three days later, when it was time to do the next training session. Then I remembered Eddie Izzard got through his marathons with ice baths, so I did a bit of research. And apparently ice baths really do help.

So I emptied a bag of ice into the bath and filled it with cold water. I'm thankful that no-one was in the house at that time, they would have thought I was being raped by an eskimo. I have never experienced anything quite like it. It wasn't too bad once I got used to it, but the first five minutes or so - well, it would have been less painful if I'd punched myself in the nuts. With a hammer. With a spike in it. Whilst on fire. With a steam iron tied to my cock.

However, the effect was simply magical. My throbbing legs hurt no more, there was no stiffness whatsoever (not surprising in water that cold). And the best bit of all - an hour later, when I had a hot shower, every single nerve in my body tingled. It was exactly like having a shower on speed, I should imagine.

I think the biggest surprise of all of this is that I'm actually starting to enjoy it and incredibly, I'm actually looking forward to the next one. I always thought that getting fit was something you sort of felt you should do, but it wouldn't be much fun and would probably hurt quite a lot. A bit like having sex with Madonna or punching Bono.

And that's the reason why I signed up for the marathon. I thought if I signed up for something and then told everyone I was going to do it sponsored for Samaritans - I wouldn't allow myself not to do it, for fear of letting people down and the shame of admitting I actually have no mental grit or discipline. I never thought for a second that I'd actually enjoy any of it.

Oh, and smoking? Yes, I do still think of it from time to time. And I'm not quite ready to be surrounded by it. But it's a lot easier and I have without a doubt cracked it. Yup, all in all, 2010 is shaping up to be a good year.

I love the smell of permanent marker in the morning. It smells like victory.

2010-01-16T02:26:00.005Z

OK, so it's day whatever on the stopping smoking front and that's quite a good sign. When you forget how long it's been since you stopped (I think it's about nine or ten days), you know you're really on the way up. Next milestone is the three week stage, which is when proper normality should resume. I do still get the odd faint urge, plus the occasional bout of wibble. That should come to an end in about 10 days time. All I have to do now is just remember never to smoke ever again. Bizarrely, that's what's always got me in the past. However, I very much doubt that I will fall again. I am already starting to feel like a non-smoker.

Today was only my second training session for the Plymouth Half Marathon and I already hate running and want it to die. And I cannot find my yellow running trousers for love nor money, so I'm having to wear shorts. Although on reflection, that's probably not a bad thing. On the plus side, I did manage to do about a mile, so if I can just get fit enough to do that another 13 times in one go without collapsing, I should be fine.

I have to admit, though - the best bit about it is getting back in the house and putting a big black cross through the training schedule date I have pinned to my mirror. There's something very satisfying about putting a big black cross through anything.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually going to get fit. The last time I got fit was purely by accident and completely out of laziness. I was at university and lived around an hour's walk from campus. My bike was stolen after about three days, so I had to walk in. Uni started at around 9am, and that meant getting up at around 7.30 to be on time. Invariably, I'd end up staying in bed til about 8.30 and then would have to run to try to avoid being too late.

I quickly realised that the fitter I was - and the more I could run - meant the longer I could stay in bed. So I ended up running to Uni every morning (in Doc Martens and a leather jacket, incredibly) and became really very fit indeed. Until I eventually realised that a moped was even faster and meant even more time in bed, and that was the end of that.

This may well be the first time I will ever get fit out of choice. I will keep you informed as to the developments.

Five is the Magic Number

2010-01-10T16:05:00.004Z

Big sigh of relief all round as I have reached the first smoking milestone - the magical Day Five. Day five is the day when the cravings subside, a level of normality returns and I stop being quite so melodramatic.

I still have some way to go before I reach the next milestone of three weeks, so I'm not out of the woods just yet. But in general it's a much milder and more subtle form of madness - more hapless than Hamlet, you could say. But the bare-chested, mano-a-mano battle is over and for that, I am grateful.

Actually, this is the first day I've been able to feel positive about stuff this year. It's taken ten days, but slowly I feel like I'm starting to get my head above water and make some progress. I've made some amazing curried soup for work tomorrow, I've bought some running shoes for the Half Marathon I'll be doing in May (plus found a total beginners plan to do it) and I'm really starting to feel good on the smoking front. Thank you for all your kind words of support.

I don't want to tempt fate - but whisper it quietly, the boy might be back on the way up. In no time at all I'll be back to nob gags and terrible puns. Happy belated 2010.

The Morning After the Night Before

2010-01-09T11:59:00.003Z

Ahem. This morning I am feeling mildly sheepish about my nicotine withdrawal-fuelled emotional outpouring last night. There is always a moment when I stop smoking where I feel that I am going to fail and I am going to smoke. I feel that it is simply inevitable and I might as well just go out and buy cigarettes right now. And that's the point when you really do have to dig deep, to keep fighting even though you feel that you have a 0% chance of success. To keep fighting when all hope is lost really does require an enormous amount of mental strength.

Bizarrely, that's what non-smokers can never understand. Smokers are not all weak-willed, ill-disciplined idiots. The thing about stopping smoking is that you have to have willpower and strength and never, ever have a moment of weakness for the rest of your life. It's no good being strong for 364 days a year, but weak for 1 - that one day will make you fail. Can you, as a non-smoker, imagine being mentally and emotionally strong without one minute of weakness ALL THE TIME, FOREVER? No matter what? Heartbreak, bad news, stress, worry... Yes, it gets easier over time - but you always have to be on your guard and that does take real discipline and inner strength.

Fortunately I managed to get through that last night and this morning things are looking a lot more positive. I'm not out of the woods just yet, but I can certainly see more daylight. And I'm feeling better too.

Incidentally, I do have something to hold onto for this - I would like to do the Plymouth Half-Marathon this year (which is on May 31st) and to do this, I need to be fit. Last time I wasn't smoking (in Portugal) I managed to walk 15 miles, so theoretically it's not impossible... What do you think? Reckon I'll do it?

Drawing Lines in the Sand

2010-01-08T21:33:00.007Z

Arse and buggery, things are afoot this evening... As many of you know, I've been fighting the bastarding shitweasel that is nicotine for some considerable time, with mixed success. Last year I stopped in June sometime, only to fall over when I went to Portugal. I managed to stop again in November before the late nights of Royal Mail finally got me to fall again shortly before Xmas.

My last plan had been to stop again once and for all on January 1st, but sadly that was not to be as the fates conspired to block that attempt. However, I have pulled myself together and am currently on Day Three of what I am determined will be the last time I ever have to do this. And although it's never easy to stop smoking, tonight I am finding it particularly hard.

Usually when I stop smoking, I like to give myself a clear run up at it - I tend to pick a time when things are fairly relaxed and easy, and get through it by distracting myself and only thinking about light and fluffy things... But that's not how things are right now. Life is complex and distraction is pretty much impossible. So there are two choices - either keep smoking until things get easier or just get stuck in and fight it face to face.

I've decided to get stuck in, and so far I've been able to keep it at bay, although it's harder than it's ever been. Stopping smoking is like being in a concrete bunker during an alien spider invasion. You lock yourself in, but you can hear them hammering on every wall, every brick, every door, hammering every second of every day and night without stopping, trying to find a way inside. And there is no concrete bunker, except for the one you have crafted in your own mind. If the spiders find even the slightest weakness, they pour in and your bunker falls.

And tonight the walls feel very thin. It's so tempting to think I've chosen the wrong time, there is too much else going on around me to remain strong enough to do this. And yet at the same time, I feel that perhaps doing it now will make it more permanent. The harder it is, the less likely I am to give it up on a whim.

I am still sure that this will be the last time I do this. I have said that before, but this time it feels different. There have been times in my life when smoking has taken priority over the things that really mattered in my life. Never intentionally, of course - that's just the nature of any addiction. But realising that has really opened my eyes and it's something I never intend to repeat. So for that reason alone, failure is not an option.

And 2010 is going to be the line in the sand that I asked it to be - it's just that the line is not necessarily where I would have chosen to draw it. Still, writing this has helped tremendously and the walls now feel a little thicker. I'm sure this won't be the last time I struggle with this over the coming days and weeks - but it is without a doubt a new beginning and it should get easier, with time...

Oh, and I also mustn't forget - I am a total and utter drama queen in the first week of stopping smoking and everything is magnified tenfold. It's not easy dealing with anything when you have the emotional stability of a pre-menstrual jellyfish.

Wish me luck. I'll keep you updated.

Out with the Noughties, in with the Teenies

2010-01-01T02:30:00.004Z

So 2009 is done and dusted and all I can say is thank god it's over. It has been at best a complicated year, at worst a downright shocker. There have been some positives - but sadly they have been rather outmuscled by the negatives. Still, the noughties are gone and it's onwards and upwards; we now look forward to what the teenies are going to bring...

Every New Year's Eve I say that I have high hopes for the year ahead - that's an occupational hazard of being a hopeless optimist. And this year is no different - except perhaps it's more of a quiet determination to implement change, without fanfare or fuss, rather than just blind optimism or wishful thinking. It's not the empty promise of a New Year's resolution, rather a resolve to start implementing the lessons I've had to learn the hard way.

I've made mistakes, and have paid for each and every one; at times I've been the architect of my malaise, and at other times I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's been a white-knuckle ride from start to finish and for all the wrong reasons. And yet I've learnt a lot, I've become stronger and I'm still here.

If nothing else, I've grown up a lot this year. In many ways, I've had to. You can't undo your mistakes, but you can take responsibility for them and try to learn from them. And you can't choose your fortune, good or bad; all you can do is take the rough with the smooth and try to do the best you can with what you're given.

So let's hope it is indeed a Happy New Year, both for me and for you, dear reader. And that 2010 smiles on us all.

The Pirate Sketch from The Million Pound Radio Show

2009-11-24T00:17:00.002Z

Yes... Finally, I've found it. I've been looking for this sketch for years! You should definitely have a listen to this.

THE PIRATE SKETCH

Birthday Bonanza!

2009-11-13T00:20:00.003Z

I've had a great couple of days, which climaxed in a rollercoaster birthday today. I've bought a camper van from Ebay (again. I know. Shut up.) and it's been rather an adventure.

The van - a mighty 2 litre Bedford CF2 in British racing green - was situated in Dover, so I decided to pay a visit to the mighty Tafkass in Folkestone on the way. Buoyed by my good fortune at finding a coach ticket from Plymouth to Folkestone for the paltry sum of £14, I set off on Tuesday morning in good spirits. And the good spirits continued upon my arrival in Folkestone, as we once again raped Taf's whisky collection.

Following a hearty vegetarian breakfast with the Ladies & Gentlemen of the road in Folkestone's finest Wetherspoons, we made our way to my new van. After an emotional goodbye, Taf dropped me off and I picked up my new purchase - the Baron. (so called as I will paint him red and he's empty inside).

Apart from reverse gear being where 1st gear should be (and therefore crunching the gearbox a few times on the way), my journey in the Baron was uneventful. As I reached the M25, my plan had been to drive straight home to Plymouth - but at the last minute, I suddenly decided to turn right to Ipswich instead, and make a surprise visit to my family.

Today was my birthday and it was great to spend it with my family for the first time in many years. And then finally it was time to head home - so I managed about a mile down the road before I suddenly broke down.

Oh no! The horror! For shame, to break down on my birthday! Fortunately, I'd had the foresight to also buy breakdown insurance (with my record on breaking cars and camper vans, it would be suicidal not to) so I called for help.

After the rozzers had nicely towed me off the dual carriageway (fortunately failing to see that my tax had actually run out in May - ahem), the cavalry arrived. Alas! My van was broken and he could not fix it. So he towed me back to the depot, whereupon he confirmed that I was to be towed back to Plymouth.

Down and deflated, I sat in the waiting room - another broken van. Another silly purchase. Another long journey on the back of a tow truck. Harumph. And off we set, some three hours later after I'd originally set off from my parents.

But all was not lost! The man in the van mentioned casually that my van wasn't actually broken - I'd just run out of petrol! And although we'd stuck a bit more petrol in it, the fuel pipe was just blocked with air. He'd cleared the blockage - and drove it onto the back of the tow truck. There was in fact nothing wrong with the van - he just fancied a trip to Plymouth.

Hurrah! So I saved a fair old whack in petrol home (it is a little thirsty on petrol, more thirsty than I had hoped), got back much quicker than the Baron would have done. And it doesn't need fixing.

As for the Baron - sadly, he's not quite wide enough for me to sleep in sideways, and is also a bit petrol-thirsty. So I have decided to kit him out as a proper camper van, get an MOT on him and sell him (hopefully for a considerable profit) back on Ebay.

So, all in all - I was disappointed to find out that the van wasn't really suitable for me and to break down - but all was well in the end. Let's hope that Friday the 13th is a little bit calmer than Thursday 12.

You can't polish a turd, but you can rub it in Glitter

2009-11-09T22:38:00.006Z

Yes alright, it's perhaps not a particularly appropriate or fitting headline for a fictional documentary on capital punishment, but I thought 'The Execution of Gary Glitter' was both thought-provoking and very well written. Most of the characters were believable and Hilton McRae was simply excellent as the man himself.

I also think the decision to make it as a documentary was rather inspired - and thought the writers were careful not to take sides. There was no question of it being a vehicle to ram home their own opinions, and neither side was portrayed as right or wrong. The death penalty is without doubt a moral quagmire - and the whole point of the show was to question our own attitudes to it. Indeed, it has put the topic of capital punishment firmly back in the public spotlight for the first time in years.

I think there is no more emotive subject than child rape - and on that basis, it is hard to argue for human rights for anyone that carries out such an abhorrent crime. I don't have children, but I do have nephews - and if that happened to any of them, my initial reaction would certainly be that I want to kill the person who did it. But would I? If it actually came to it? Would I actually take another person's life?

And I have to say, the honest answer is no, I wouldn't. Right at the end - if it really came to it, I wouldn't. Oh don't get me wrong, I would want them to pay for what they'd done. But, at the end of the day, I am not a monster. And I feel that if we play by the same rules as the evil we're trying to fight, then eventually we become what it is we are trying to overcome.

Ghandi once said "There are many causes that I am prepared to die for, but no causes that I am prepared to kill for".

It's not that these monsters deserve to live - it's just that we mustn't descend to their level. You don't fight evil with evil.

Three is the Magic Number

2009-11-03T00:41:00.004Z

I've finally hit the magic three weeks of not smoking, although it actually feels like three months since I stopped. But three weeks is an important moment in not smoking - it's the time when the madness finally departs, when smoking stops being an integral part of your life and when you start being yourself again.

Oh don't get me wrong, I still have the odd urge - that quiet voice in your ear, the quietest of suggestions... And perhaps that never really leaves you, I don't know. And perhaps accepting and understanding that is what will stop me from falling over again in the future. I truly hope so. But right now, I'm just happy to have my head back and myself back.

It really is quite amazing how nicotine tries to get you to fall over in those first three weeks. It attacks on all fronts and can turn the most grounded and secure individual into a gibbering, fear-driven, clingy bundle of insecurity.

I am well and truly glad to see the back of it. Here's to a smoke-free lifetime. And if I ever end up smoking again, I will cut my own cock off.

Johnson & Nutt Sack: "Unseemly Spat"

2009-11-02T20:39:00.006Z

David Cameron has called the row between Alan Johnson and the sacked Professor David Nutt an 'unseemly spat'. I haven't got anything to actually say about it - I just had to somehow crowbar in possibly the best headline in history.

A Colourless Performance

2009-10-23T02:43:00.005+01:00

So it's over and the free world is safe. Yes, Nick Griffin's appearance on Question Time has passed without major incident and we've all managed to avoid catching Fascism.

Like a fat John Barrowman after a stroke

It was an interesting set-up; three heavyweight politicians on one side, then Nasty Nick and Bonnie Greer on the other. Personally, I thought the Beeb and DD handled it as well as they could have done. Yes, the vast majority of the programme was about the BNP - but it would have been a nonsense for it not to have been, particularly bearing in mind the publicity of the last week or so.

I was nervous beforehand; I was concerned that Nick Griffin's tub-thumping, martyr-like rhetoric, coupled with a witchhunt from the audience and the panel, would play right into the BNP's hands as the anti-establishment hero of the disaffected and disillusioned.

Instead, I think that Griffin was given the opportunity to voice his views, but that he was given a sound hiding, not just by the panelists, but by the audience too. In fact, I don't think that Griffin did that well at all. He came across as shifty, unpleasant and rather lightweight.

There will be plenty of comment made in today's papers about the debate; Hardcore BNP followers will say he was ambushed, 5 against 1. Most people will say he didn't come across very well at all. He made the odd point, but that was not a performance to 'propel the BNP into the big time'.

However, I thought the most interesting point of all came in the treatment of Griffin from the panelists; the three politicians (Jack Straw, Baroness Warsi & Chris Huhne) were aggressive in their attacks. They were all strongly worded and hard-hitting to greater and lesser effect. But I thought Bonnie Greer had the best approach to Griffin - using humour to make the point of how irrelevant and wrong his party is. And of all the panelists, I felt that he was most uncomfortable with this approach. Fake grins and laughter were all he could manage.

Because that's it, really - Nick Griffin is like a 5-year old child with ADHD - he demands attention, good or bad. To be attacked on all sides by these political heavyweights means that he is being taken seriously by the three major parties - and that falls right into his lap as the anti-politician, voice of the silent majority that he so likes to play; however, to be mocked and ridiculed means that he isn't being taken seriously. Bonnie Greer ran rings round him tonight, and he came across as a naughty schoolboy.

So that's how we should all play it - the more we keep going on about the BNP being a serious threat, the more likely it is going to be. Personally, I agree with Bonnie Greer - no matter what the BNP might think, the British people have far too much common sense. Now, Griffin, get back on the naughty step where you belong.

'Black N Proud' or 'British Nobel Prize'. Both are rubbish. Sorry.

2009-10-16T00:58:00.006+01:00

Fantastic story in the news today with the BNP being told it must allow black and asian Britons into the party, following a court case brought by the Equality and Human Rights Commission. Of course, the likelihood of any black and asians Brits wanting to join the party is pretty slim - but I think they're missing a trick.

If I were black or asian, I'd be rounding up as many hard bastards as I could, telling them all to join. Then, every time the BNP has any kind of gathering, I would ensure that we all are present, right at the front. I would love to see Nick Griffin give one of his trademark racist speeches in front of 500 bad motherfuckers.

Actually, that really isn't that bad an idea. I have no idea how many voting members are in the BNP. But I bet if a prominent non-white personality got involved - someone like Shami Chakrabarti, for example - and say she said "Right! Everyone who is against the racism of the BNP - join the party." And say they did. And then, say, she caused a vote of no-confidence in Nick Griffin... I think it's fair to say that it would be rather interesting to say the least.

It actually just needs one person to be the focal point for this. Just one person to take a stand... Damn, I wish I were black and famous. I'd be a shoe-in for next year's Nobel Prize.

Knock Knock

2009-09-25T21:44:00.001+01:00

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Police"
"Police who?"
"I'm afraid there's been an accident."
"Police who?"

Kemp Site

2009-09-10T16:24:00.004+01:00

Today is indeed a day of days. My artistic folding of Ross Kemp's face has been selected for the Kemp Folds website. Simply entitled 'Zippy', visit the website to have a look. Feel free to post a comment, saying how brilliant it is.

http://kempfolds.blogspot.com/

Arbre-ing a Grudge

2009-09-10T00:45:00.002+01:00

This tree was right next to the little cafe in the campsite on Tavira Island. And if you look very carefully, it's possibly the grumpiest-looking tree in the world.

No Mean Graffiti

2009-09-10T00:42:00.003+01:00

Saw this fantastic piece of graffiti in Tavira, on a pathway leading to the beach, right in the middle of nowhere. To whoever painted it, I did. And it made me smile whenever I saw it.

Logo (nads)

2009-09-10T00:37:00.004+01:00

Saw this on a building in Faro, Portugal on my recent trip out there and it just made me laugh. I think it's for some sort of Doctor's Surgery or a medical lab or something - I just love the logo, of two people pointing at their own genitals.

"Christ on a bike. Is it supposed to look like that?"

"Mummy, it's winking at me."

Embittered Ex-Mayor

2009-09-10T00:34:00.002+01:00

I know that Ken Livingston had to find something to do after he lost the London Mayorship, but I had no idea he'd formed a band in Portugal.

Has it been worth it?

2009-08-21T01:36:00.003+01:00

'Operation Enduring Freedom'. Remember that? October 2001, it was the name given to the invasion of Afghanistan to overthrow the Taliban. 8 years on - and after the unwelcome milestone of the 200th British soldier to die there - just how is that 'Enduring Freedom' working out?

Firstly, perhaps I need to say that I am not necessarily a pacifist. Gandhi is a hero of mine, but his policy of 'non-violence' only really works against a nation that does more or less adhere to a certain moral code. Against someone like Hitler, Stalin or even Saddam Hussein, Gandhi's actions would have been disastrous and bloody.

So I begrudgingly accept that there are times when you have to stand up and fight for what is right. Like the fight against Fascism in the 30s, which eventually led onto the Second World War, for example. That was a war that even the strongest pacifist has to concede was unavoidable.

However, is the war on Afghanistan in that category? 8 years later - 200 British deaths later - we have to look and see what have we managed to achieve there? Whenever you pay a price with the blood of your own soldiers, it is important that you know it was worth it.

And I have to say, in my humble opinion, it hasn't been.

At the start of the occupation of Afghanistan, there was a lot made about the oppressive nature of the Taliban. Particularly about their treatment of women. The removal of the Taliban was the only way to give democracy to Afghanistan, freedom to men and women throughout the country, it was said.

8 years on, it turns out that things are worse for women than it ever has been. It is now legal for a man to starve his wife if she refuses him sex. It is legal for a man to rape his wife. A woman still needs her husband's permission to work. And it is obscene that we are sending British soldiers to support that regime.

The level of self-immolation (setting themselves on fire) amongst women has never been so high as it is now. It is a sad truth that when there is no justice for women, they see no other way out than suicide.

Afghanistan is now run by Warlords, and opium production since the US occupation in 2001 has exploded. There was almost no opium produced under the Taliban, according to the UN's Drug Control Agency - now Afghanistan produces 93% of the world's opium, an increase of over 4000% by some estimates, which represents over half the country's GDP.

So what's changed? Women are still being raped, oppressed and abused. A child born in Afghanistan has a 25% chance of not making it to their fifth birthday. I would suggest for the average Afghan, not a lot has changed at all. Except now there is also war, with the poverty and destruction that brings as well as oppression.

And we have a democratic election as we speak, although it would appear that they are simply puppets of the various warlords. The names may change, but the story remains sadly the same.

Ukraine's Got Talent

2009-08-15T01:21:00.003+01:00

This is possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And incredibly it's from Ukraine's Got Talent. I have to say, I've never seen anything like this before and it did move me to tears*. Enjoy.

*Although that could be because I'm a big girl.

Click here to watch the video if you received this via email.

Tories to Remain Utterly Silent until after General Election

2009-08-03T16:49:00.007+01:00

A senior source within the Conservative Party has divulged that the Tories intend to say absolutely nothing whatsoever until after next year's General Election, preferring instead to let Labour do all their work for them.

After substantial analysis, the Tory think tank Policy Exchange has isolated Gordon Brown's three major flaws: Everything he does, everything he says and the unerring ability to come out smelling of shit even when he's right.

You can't
polish a turd

However the tipping point has been the fact that once again Gordon Brown is facing the prospect of a leadership challenge - and the two main candidates are Harriet Harman and the unelected self-appointed Dark Lord of Fucking Everything, Peter Mandelson.

In an interview with the Telegraph, the head of Policy Exchange, Fisty B'Stard said:

"So let me get this right. Even if they somehow manage to prise open Gordon Brown's death grip on power and get rid of him, the alternative will be either a megalomaniac Sith Lord or a man-hater. That's like asking would I prefer to be anally raped with my own dismembered penis or brutally murdered with a clawhammer."

"However, every time David Cameron opens his mouth, he does tend to say something incalculably stupid. So we've decided it would be best for everyone if he remains utterly silent. We think that as long as we can keep his mouth completely and totally shut for the next 9 months or so, we'll be in Number 10 before you can say 'vacuous'. Obviously we don't need to worry about the Lib Dems, so with Labour as they are, hopefully we'll be a shoe-in."

"I mean, Peter Mandelson. In charge of the Labour Party. Ha ha ha ha!" he said, before adding "Aha ha ha ha ha."

Bank Anger Profit Bonus in Fatcat Fury Shame

2009-08-03T11:03:00.003+01:00

Furious fatcat taxpayer money bonus and angry meltdown shame greed, it emerged today.

Barclay men show disgraced £3bn taxpayer jobless recession profit despite shame bonus and taxpayer meltdown crunch disaster. But as bank shame anger rose to fatcat, outraged tax money say bail-out meltdown pay for risky bonus greed shame fury.

Bill, a furious angry man, say: "Fatcat. Meltdown. Taxpayer. Greedy shame fury. Make bad thing go now."

Wayne, a sad jobless, say: "No job. Me. Them money. Bonus things. Nice bonus money things. Me no things. Fury anger bonus shame."

Margaret, old woman from nice place, say: "Pensioner. Me. Old lady. Fatcat greedymen. Winter so cold time. No soup. Me go all blue. Then what?"

Vince, a politics man, say: "Appalling. Nasty, shamey greedymen. All angry pocket lining and excessive shame risk. Homes. Jobs. Billions. Crisis-crunch." He add: "China! Fred Goodwin!"

But Tom, analysing man, say: "Pensions. That's your pension. That £3bn is where your pension comes from. Stop talking now, fucknut idiots."

The Best Website on the Internet. Ever.

2009-07-30T16:59:00.004+01:00

Very occasionally, you come across something that just makes you truly understand. Perhaps a song that makes you realise that all music up to this point had just been tuning up. Ladies and gentlemen... I have today been shown such a thing. It is, quite simply, the reason why the internet was invented for everything up til now has been simply mucking about. I give you (and Leah, I'm eternally grateful for this):

KEMP FOLDS

Shatner vs Palin

2009-07-30T16:54:00.002+01:00

And there's only ever going to be one winner. This is William Shatner reading Sarah Palin's farewell speech verbatim. Enjoy.

Click here to watch the video if you're reading this by email.

Jeremy Clarkson Beat Box

2009-07-30T16:51:00.002+01:00

No need to add anything, really. Here you go!

Click here to see the video if you received this by email.

You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm an experienced health professional, no time to talk

2009-07-28T14:48:00.005+01:00

Whilst trawling through the internet today for news, I stumbled across a rather useful article in the Daily Mail (and it's not often that you say that). It's title is How to Save a Heart Attack Victim. It is a worry of mine that someone will have a heart attack or something and I won't know what to do, so I read the article with some gusto. I'm really glad I did.

Amongst other things, it has the following advice about giving CPR:

"Put your hands in the middle of the chest on the breastbone and push down as hard as you can, 100 times a minute (roughly the same rhythm as the 'ah, ah, ah' bit in the Bee Gees song Staying Alive; I'd sing it in your head, though)."

I actually can't stop laughing at that. I cannot think of a more surreal and funny situation than performing CPR on a heart attack victim, whilst singing 'Staying Alive' in a Bee Gees falsetto. On the plus side, I'm never going to forget it.

Mailicious Reporting

2009-07-27T12:26:00.004+01:00

As I'm currently experiencing the joys of Swine Flu, I am pleased to see that the Daily Mail has got my back. They're not getting swept away by sensationalist scaremongering:

"Do you ever feel as if The Authorities are doing their damnedest to scare us all to death? First, there's swine flu" writes Lorna Martin in today's Mail.

"When raising the threat alert for swine flu from level four to five in April, Margaret Chan, head of the World Health Organisation, declared that 'all of humanity is under threat'..."

"While sadly, at the time of writing, 31 people have died in the UK after contracting the virus, as many as 29 of them had other underlying, life-threatening conditions. That means there have been as few as two deaths solely caused by the swine flu virus. Two! T. W. O. Six thousand people die from normal flu every year in Britain."

Quite so. Those dastardly, irresponsible, scaremongering 'Authorities'.

On a completely separate note, here's a headline from The Daily Mail on May 1:
'How swine flu could be a bigger threat to humanity than nuclear warfare.'

Why Facebook is Weird

2009-07-26T01:26:00.001+01:00

Facebook is a funny thing. One one hand it's a great way of keeping in touch with friends all over the world without actually having to talk to any of them. On the other hand, it seems to be a breeding ground for all manner of weird and wonderful things.

On the news feed this evening, I noticed that one of my friends has become a fan of 'Getting Paid'. I have to say, I was somewhat flummoxed by this. It seems to suggest that 'getting paid' is a choice - as if you go to work and think "Yes, I think I'd like to get paid this month."

Which got me wondering what other fan groups there are that state the bleeding obvious. Once I managed to get past the 'Punch Babies in the Face' group, it turns out there is also a page for 'Not Being Punched in the Face', with a great picture to really put make that fact hit home. This group has over 1000 members.

However, this fan group pales into insignificance when compared with fans of 'Not Being Murdered by Clowns', which has over 44,000 members. That's twice more than the Facebook petition against knives group. Although the group for 'Rape = Not Cool' only has one member. So there you go.

Brown and Out

2009-07-25T20:00:00.005+01:00

You know, I've always liked Dr Ian Gibson, the former Labour MP for Norwich North. Oh, I don't actually know much about him or what he stands for. As an Ipswich boy, I just loved his Alan Partridge-esque comments that his constituents were inbred.

But despite that minor faux-pas, they continued to like him and many took great exception to Gibson being made Labour's scapegoat for the expenses scandal. I can't really see why he was so furious - at best his expenses claim was outside the spirit of things and at worst, downright illegal. Using taxpayers money to buy a flat for his daughter to live in for nothing, and then selling that flat to his daughter for a vastly reduced amount has got to be wrong in anyone's book. One less rotten MP has got to be a good thing and in my book, he's lucky not to be in prison.

But now we've had the by-election and Labour got hammered. Which isn't particularly unusual when it comes to a by-election, the governing party always gets trounced. But this one just feels different. More than ever it feels like a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

I particularly enjoyed Gordon Brown's reaction after the by-election "It's disappointing, but I don't think any party can take a great deal of cheer from this."

Really Gordon? Really? Because I have to say, on the news, the Tories looked quite cheerful.

Gordon Brown is making an absolute dog's arse of the Labour Party and is showing himself to be totally and utterly out of touch with pretty much everyone in the whole country. He seems to be driven by only one motive and that is to cling to power for as long as is humanly possible, no matter what. He does not possess the humility to let go and his party does not seem to possess the strength to make him. His quest of power for power's sake is shredding any credibility that Labour has left.

I can't help thinking about the General Election in under a year. Gordon Brown's death grip on power is currently making a Tory landslide a frightening inevitability. David Cameron doesn't have to do or say a damn thing between now and then - Gordon Brown is winning the election for him all on his own.

After John Major, I thought the Tories would be finished as a political force, particularly after the energy and enthusiasm of Tony Blair. It's taken them 12 years to reinvesnt themselves to the point where they are vaguely electable again. But David Cameron doesn't have the charisma of a young Tony Blair - David Cameron's main character trait, his number one reason for voter popularity is that he isn't Gordon Brown.

If the Tories get in next year, it saddens me to say you can pretty much forget about Labour as a political force for quite some time. I just hope that someone picks up the slack on the Left or we're in for some frightening times.

Best Cat Name Ever?

2009-07-22T18:17:00.002+01:00

My cousin LZ asked "was the cat owner a big Beatles fan, do you reckon? I can't think why else you'd name a cat 'Help'."

Personally, I think it's genius. And if ever I get another cat I'm going to call it either 'Rape' or 'Fire'.

Erm, Sorry about that.

2009-07-22T14:16:00.005+01:00

Ahem. Your writer is feeling mildly sheepish today after this heartwrenching outburst yesterday on stopping smoking. It turns out I was simply overtired from not enough sleep. 10 solid days of getting up way too early, going to bed way too late and generally kicking the arse out of everything inbetween finally took its toll, turning me into a whining puddle of pathos. All it took was one good night's sleep and I'm back to feeling normal again. Yeah... sorry about that.

Thanks to everyone for the lovely messages of support and for those that did have to listen to my pathetic grizzling. I think the funniest thing of all is that when I am that overtired, just like any self-respecting 6-year old boy, I do take it really seriously. Thankfully I was able to get some good advice (you know who you are!) and then slept for 14 hours solid.

On a positive note, I do feel proud that I didn't fall over on the smoking thing and that stopping smoking wasn't actually the cause at all. Although I do need to perhaps take on a little bit less than I have been doing recently. Anyway, normal service has now been resumed and I will now stop whining like a bitch.

This is how sorry and sheepish I am.