A Colourless Performance

So it's over and the free world is safe. Yes, Nick Griffin's appearance on Question Time has passed without major incident and we've all managed to avoid catching Fascism.

Like a fat John Barrowman after a stroke







It was an interesting set-up; three heavyweight politicians on one side, then Nasty Nick and Bonnie Greer on the other. Personally, I thought the Beeb and DD handled it as well as they could have done. Yes, the vast majority of the programme was about the BNP - but it would have been a nonsense for it not to have been, particularly bearing in mind the publicity of the last week or so.

I was nervous beforehand; I was concerned that Nick Griffin's tub-thumping, martyr-like rhetoric, coupled with a witchhunt from the audience and the panel, would play right into the BNP's hands as the anti-establishment hero of the disaffected and disillusioned.

Instead, I think that Griffin was given the opportunity to voice his views, but that he was given a sound hiding, not just by the panelists, but by the audience too. In fact, I don't think that Griffin did that well at all. He came across as shifty, unpleasant and rather lightweight.

There will be plenty of comment made in today's papers about the debate; Hardcore BNP followers will say he was ambushed, 5 against 1. Most people will say he didn't come across very well at all. He made the odd point, but that was not a performance to 'propel the BNP into the big time'.

However, I thought the most interesting point of all came in the treatment of Griffin from the panelists; the three politicians (Jack Straw, Baroness Warsi & Chris Huhne) were aggressive in their attacks. They were all strongly worded and hard-hitting to greater and lesser effect. But I thought Bonnie Greer had the best approach to Griffin - using humour to make the point of how irrelevant and wrong his party is. And of all the panelists, I felt that he was most uncomfortable with this approach. Fake grins and laughter were all he could manage.

Because that's it, really - Nick Griffin is like a 5-year old child with ADHD - he demands attention, good or bad. To be attacked on all sides by these political heavyweights means that he is being taken seriously by the three major parties - and that falls right into his lap as the anti-politician, voice of the silent majority that he so likes to play; however, to be mocked and ridiculed means that he isn't being taken seriously. Bonnie Greer ran rings round him tonight, and he came across as a naughty schoolboy.

So that's how we should all play it - the more we keep going on about the BNP being a serious threat, the more likely it is going to be. Personally, I agree with Bonnie Greer - no matter what the BNP might think, the British people have far too much common sense. Now, Griffin, get back on the naughty step where you belong.

'Black N Proud' or 'British Nobel Prize'. Both are rubbish. Sorry.

Fantastic story in the news today with the BNP being told it must allow black and asian Britons into the party, following a court case brought by the Equality and Human Rights Commission. Of course, the likelihood of any black and asians Brits wanting to join the party is pretty slim - but I think they're missing a trick.

If I were black or asian, I'd be rounding up as many hard bastards as I could, telling them all to join. Then, every time the BNP has any kind of gathering, I would ensure that we all are present, right at the front. I would love to see Nick Griffin give one of his trademark racist speeches in front of 500 bad motherfuckers.

Actually, that really isn't that bad an idea. I have no idea how many voting members are in the BNP. But I bet if a prominent non-white personality got involved - someone like Shami Chakrabarti, for example - and say she said "Right! Everyone who is against the racism of the BNP - join the party." And say they did. And then, say, she caused a vote of no-confidence in Nick Griffin... I think it's fair to say that it would be rather interesting to say the least.

It actually just needs one person to be the focal point for this. Just one person to take a stand... Damn, I wish I were black and famous. I'd be a shoe-in for next year's Nobel Prize.

Knock Knock

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Police"
"Police who?"
"I'm afraid there's been an accident."
"Police who?"

Kemp Site

Today is indeed a day of days. My artistic folding of Ross Kemp's face has been selected for the Kemp Folds website. Simply entitled 'Zippy', visit the website to have a look. Feel free to post a comment, saying how brilliant it is.

http://kempfolds.blogspot.com/

Arbre-ing a Grudge

This tree was right next to the little cafe in the campsite on Tavira Island. And if you look very carefully, it's possibly the grumpiest-looking tree in the world.

No Mean Graffiti

Saw this fantastic piece of graffiti in Tavira, on a pathway leading to the beach, right in the middle of nowhere. To whoever painted it, I did. And it made me smile whenever I saw it.

Logo (nads)

Saw this on a building in Faro, Portugal on my recent trip out there and it just made me laugh. I think it's for some sort of Doctor's Surgery or a medical lab or something - I just love the logo, of two people pointing at their own genitals.

"Christ on a bike. Is it supposed to look like that?"

"Mummy, it's winking at me."

Embittered Ex-Mayor

I know that Ken Livingston had to find something to do after he lost the London Mayorship, but I had no idea he'd formed a band in Portugal.

Has it been worth it?

'Operation Enduring Freedom'. Remember that? October 2001, it was the name given to the invasion of Afghanistan to overthrow the Taliban. 8 years on - and after the unwelcome milestone of the 200th British soldier to die there - just how is that 'Enduring Freedom' working out?

Firstly, perhaps I need to say that I am not necessarily a pacifist. Gandhi is a hero of mine, but his policy of 'non-violence' only really works against a nation that does more or less adhere to a certain moral code. Against someone like Hitler, Stalin or even Saddam Hussein, Gandhi's actions would have been disastrous and bloody.

So I begrudgingly accept that there are times when you have to stand up and fight for what is right. Like the fight against Fascism in the 30s, which eventually led onto the Second World War, for example. That was a war that even the strongest pacifist has to concede was unavoidable.

However, is the war on Afghanistan in that category? 8 years later - 200 British deaths later - we have to look and see what have we managed to achieve there? Whenever you pay a price with the blood of your own soldiers, it is important that you know it was worth it.

And I have to say, in my humble opinion, it hasn't been.

At the start of the occupation of Afghanistan, there was a lot made about the oppressive nature of the Taliban. Particularly about their treatment of women. The removal of the Taliban was the only way to give democracy to Afghanistan, freedom to men and women throughout the country, it was said.

8 years on, it turns out that things are worse for women than it ever has been. It is now legal for a man to starve his wife if she refuses him sex. It is legal for a man to rape his wife. A woman still needs her husband's permission to work. And it is obscene that we are sending British soldiers to support that regime.

The level of self-immolation (setting themselves on fire) amongst women has never been so high as it is now. It is a sad truth that when there is no justice for women, they see no other way out than suicide.

Afghanistan is now run by Warlords, and opium production since the US occupation in 2001 has exploded. There was almost no opium produced under the Taliban, according to the UN's Drug Control Agency - now Afghanistan produces 93% of the world's opium, an increase of over 4000% by some estimates, which represents over half the country's GDP.

So what's changed? Women are still being raped, oppressed and abused. A child born in Afghanistan has a 25% chance of not making it to their fifth birthday. I would suggest for the average Afghan, not a lot has changed at all. Except now there is also war, with the poverty and destruction that brings as well as oppression.

And we have a democratic election as we speak, although it would appear that they are simply puppets of the various warlords. The names may change, but the story remains sadly the same.

Ukraine's Got Talent

This is possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And incredibly it's from Ukraine's Got Talent. I have to say, I've never seen anything like this before and it did move me to tears*. Enjoy.



*Although that could be because I'm a big girl.

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Tories to Remain Utterly Silent until after General Election

A senior source within the Conservative Party has divulged that the Tories intend to say absolutely nothing whatsoever until after next year's General Election, preferring instead to let Labour do all their work for them.

After substantial analysis, the Tory think tank Policy Exchange has isolated Gordon Brown's three major flaws: Everything he does, everything he says and the unerring ability to come out smelling of shit even when he's right.

You can't
polish a turd








However the tipping point has been the fact that once again Gordon Brown is facing the prospect of a leadership challenge - and the two main candidates are Harriet Harman and the unelected self-appointed Dark Lord of Fucking Everything, Peter Mandelson.

In an interview with the Telegraph, the head of Policy Exchange, Fisty B'Stard said:

"So let me get this right. Even if they somehow manage to prise open Gordon Brown's death grip on power and get rid of him, the alternative will be either a megalomaniac Sith Lord or a man-hater. That's like asking would I prefer to be anally raped with my own dismembered penis or brutally murdered with a clawhammer."

"However, every time David Cameron opens his mouth, he does tend to say something incalculably stupid. So we've decided it would be best for everyone if he remains utterly silent. We think that as long as we can keep his mouth completely and totally shut for the next 9 months or so, we'll be in Number 10 before you can say 'vacuous'. Obviously we don't need to worry about the Lib Dems, so with Labour as they are, hopefully we'll be a shoe-in."

"I mean, Peter Mandelson. In charge of the Labour Party. Ha ha ha ha!" he said, before adding "Aha ha ha ha ha."

Bank Anger Profit Bonus in Fatcat Fury Shame

Furious fatcat taxpayer money bonus and angry meltdown shame greed, it emerged today.

Barclay men show disgraced £3bn taxpayer jobless recession profit despite shame bonus and taxpayer meltdown crunch disaster. But as bank shame anger rose to fatcat, outraged tax money say bail-out meltdown pay for risky bonus greed shame fury.

Bill, a furious angry man, say: "Fatcat. Meltdown. Taxpayer. Greedy shame fury. Make bad thing go now."

Wayne, a sad jobless, say: "No job. Me. Them money. Bonus things. Nice bonus money things. Me no things. Fury anger bonus shame."

Margaret, old woman from nice place, say: "Pensioner. Me. Old lady. Fatcat greedymen. Winter so cold time. No soup. Me go all blue. Then what?"

Vince, a politics man, say: "Appalling. Nasty, shamey greedymen. All angry pocket lining and excessive shame risk. Homes. Jobs. Billions. Crisis-crunch." He add: "China! Fred Goodwin!"

But Tom, analysing man, say: "Pensions. That's your pension. That £3bn is where your pension comes from. Stop talking now, fucknut idiots."

The Best Website on the Internet. Ever.

Very occasionally, you come across something that just makes you truly understand. Perhaps a song that makes you realise that all music up to this point had just been tuning up. Ladies and gentlemen... I have today been shown such a thing. It is, quite simply, the reason why the internet was invented for everything up til now has been simply mucking about. I give you (and Leah, I'm eternally grateful for this):

KEMP FOLDS

Shatner vs Palin

And there's only ever going to be one winner. This is William Shatner reading Sarah Palin's farewell speech verbatim. Enjoy.



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Jeremy Clarkson Beat Box

No need to add anything, really. Here you go!



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You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm an experienced health professional, no time to talk

Whilst trawling through the internet today for news, I stumbled across a rather useful article in the Daily Mail (and it's not often that you say that). It's title is How to Save a Heart Attack Victim. It is a worry of mine that someone will have a heart attack or something and I won't know what to do, so I read the article with some gusto. I'm really glad I did.

Amongst other things, it has the following advice about giving CPR:

"Put your hands in the middle of the chest on the breastbone and push down as hard as you can, 100 times a minute (roughly the same rhythm as the 'ah, ah, ah' bit in the Bee Gees song Staying Alive; I'd sing it in your head, though)."

I actually can't stop laughing at that. I cannot think of a more surreal and funny situation than performing CPR on a heart attack victim, whilst singing 'Staying Alive' in a Bee Gees falsetto. On the plus side, I'm never going to forget it.

Mailicious Reporting

As I'm currently experiencing the joys of Swine Flu, I am pleased to see that the Daily Mail has got my back. They're not getting swept away by sensationalist scaremongering:

"Do you ever feel as if The Authorities are doing their damnedest to scare us all to death? First, there's swine flu" writes Lorna Martin in today's Mail.

"When raising the threat alert for swine flu from level four to five in April, Margaret Chan, head of the World Health Organisation, declared that 'all of humanity is under threat'..."

"While sadly, at the time of writing, 31 people have died in the UK after contracting the virus, as many as 29 of them had other underlying, life-threatening conditions. That means there have been as few as two deaths solely caused by the swine flu virus. Two! T. W. O. Six thousand people die from normal flu every year in Britain."

Quite so. Those dastardly, irresponsible, scaremongering 'Authorities'.

On a completely separate note, here's a headline from The Daily Mail on May 1:
'How swine flu could be a bigger threat to humanity than nuclear warfare.'

Why Facebook is Weird

Facebook is a funny thing. One one hand it's a great way of keeping in touch with friends all over the world without actually having to talk to any of them. On the other hand, it seems to be a breeding ground for all manner of weird and wonderful things.

On the news feed this evening, I noticed that one of my friends has become a fan of 'Getting Paid'. I have to say, I was somewhat flummoxed by this. It seems to suggest that 'getting paid' is a choice - as if you go to work and think "Yes, I think I'd like to get paid this month."

Which got me wondering what other fan groups there are that state the bleeding obvious. Once I managed to get past the 'Punch Babies in the Face' group, it turns out there is also a page for 'Not Being Punched in the Face', with a great picture to really put make that fact hit home. This group has over 1000 members.


















However, this fan group pales into insignificance when compared with fans of 'Not Being Murdered by Clowns', which has over 44,000 members. That's twice more than the Facebook petition against knives group. Although the group for 'Rape = Not Cool' only has one member. So there you go.

Brown and Out

You know, I've always liked Dr Ian Gibson, the former Labour MP for Norwich North. Oh, I don't actually know much about him or what he stands for. As an Ipswich boy, I just loved his Alan Partridge-esque comments that his constituents were inbred.

But despite that minor faux-pas, they continued to like him and many took great exception to Gibson being made Labour's scapegoat for the expenses scandal. I can't really see why he was so furious - at best his expenses claim was outside the spirit of things and at worst, downright illegal. Using taxpayers money to buy a flat for his daughter to live in for nothing, and then selling that flat to his daughter for a vastly reduced amount has got to be wrong in anyone's book. One less rotten MP has got to be a good thing and in my book, he's lucky not to be in prison.

But now we've had the by-election and Labour got hammered. Which isn't particularly unusual when it comes to a by-election, the governing party always gets trounced. But this one just feels different. More than ever it feels like a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

I particularly enjoyed Gordon Brown's reaction after the by-election "It's disappointing, but I don't think any party can take a great deal of cheer from this."

Really Gordon? Really? Because I have to say, on the news, the Tories looked quite cheerful.

Gordon Brown is making an absolute dog's arse of the Labour Party and is showing himself to be totally and utterly out of touch with pretty much everyone in the whole country. He seems to be driven by only one motive and that is to cling to power for as long as is humanly possible, no matter what. He does not possess the humility to let go and his party does not seem to possess the strength to make him. His quest of power for power's sake is shredding any credibility that Labour has left.

I can't help thinking about the General Election in under a year. Gordon Brown's death grip on power is currently making a Tory landslide a frightening inevitability. David Cameron doesn't have to do or say a damn thing between now and then - Gordon Brown is winning the election for him all on his own.

After John Major, I thought the Tories would be finished as a political force, particularly after the energy and enthusiasm of Tony Blair. It's taken them 12 years to reinvesnt themselves to the point where they are vaguely electable again. But David Cameron doesn't have the charisma of a young Tony Blair - David Cameron's main character trait, his number one reason for voter popularity is that he isn't Gordon Brown.

If the Tories get in next year, it saddens me to say you can pretty much forget about Labour as a political force for quite some time. I just hope that someone picks up the slack on the Left or we're in for some frightening times.

Best Cat Name Ever?

My cousin LZ asked "was the cat owner a big Beatles fan, do you reckon? I can't think why else you'd name a cat 'Help'." Personally, I think it's genius. And if ever I get another cat I'm going to call it 'Fire'.