Friday, June 26, 2009
Irony that Alanis Morrisette would have been proud of
Whilst looking at news of the sad demise of Michael Jackson, I saw a link advertising limited tickets to his upcoming tour. In retrospect, I wonder if he wishes he'd chosen a better slogan.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Don't Worry...
After a few worried communications about my mental state / consumption of mind-altering narcotics (and a very concerned conversation with my mother) I can reassure all my readers I am not on acid or having some sort of delusional breakdown.
A haiku is simply a Japanese poem. And the 'monstrous psychedelic bubble exploding in my mind' is actually the name of an album I've been listening to.
Glad to have cleared that up. Normal drug-fuelled madness will be resumed shortly.
A haiku is simply a Japanese poem. And the 'monstrous psychedelic bubble exploding in my mind' is actually the name of an album I've been listening to.
Glad to have cleared that up. Normal drug-fuelled madness will be resumed shortly.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
What's the plural of Haiku?
My cock is so big
It's like an elephant's trunk.
How big is yours, then?
Britain's Got Talent.
I almost ripped my cock off.
Won't watch that again.
Poor Jim Magilton
He's been replaced by Roy Keane.
Shame, but he was shit.
It's like an elephant's trunk.
How big is yours, then?
Britain's Got Talent.
I almost ripped my cock off.
Won't watch that again.
Poor Jim Magilton
He's been replaced by Roy Keane.
Shame, but he was shit.
Baby love
Just got home from visiting some friends with a new baby and they asked me if I wanted to wind it. I thought fucking hell that's a bit harsh, so I just gave it a dead leg instead.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Crap Made-up Topical Gag
I hear that the Policeman accused of being instrumental in the death of G20 demonstrator Ian Tomlinson has been signed up by Max Clifford for a West-End pantomime. Apparently the Policeman in question wasn't too keen until he heard they were going to do Aladdin.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Political Lookey-likie
Former Chief Executive of HBOS and until recently Deputy Chairman of the FSA James Crosby and X-Files Assistant Director at the FBI, Walter Skinner. And they don't just look the same - they're both victims of hand / face superglue pranks.
I'm sure there's a joke about fucking up the country and 'the Truth is out there' or some other X-Files reference, but I can't be arsed to think one up. Just work it out for yourselves - let me know if you come up with anything half decent.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Football Lookeylikie
Manchester United winger 'Nani' and Michael Jackson from Thriller...
Apparently Michael Jackson's recent problems began after he misunderstood the suggestion "why don't you try twenty seven year olds?"
Special 1 TV
With Jose Mourinho, Sven and the Boy Wayne. This is very, very funny and well worth a watch!
Musical Lookey-likey
"When you've just got the sack
And you look like Gene Hack (man)
That's Scolari...."
(to the tune of That's Amore)
Friday, February 06, 2009
Smells Like Top Videos
The Contenders are:
Bill Bailey's Tribute to Kraftwerk
The Wooden Spoon Game
Jimmy Saville's Jimmy Jangle
The Diet Coke and Mentos Display
The Talkative Parrot QI Advert
Robot Chicken's Five Stages of Grief
A very close second is The Japanese Silent Library Game
But the winner of I think funniest video I've ever shown on this blog is also one of the newest - yes, it's The Holy Ghost vs Drum n Bass, God is a DJ
More Awards will follow when I can be arsed to trawl through my archives. Thanks for watching!
Bill Bailey's Tribute to Kraftwerk
The Wooden Spoon Game
Jimmy Saville's Jimmy Jangle
The Diet Coke and Mentos Display
The Talkative Parrot QI Advert
Robot Chicken's Five Stages of Grief
A very close second is The Japanese Silent Library Game
But the winner of I think funniest video I've ever shown on this blog is also one of the newest - yes, it's The Holy Ghost vs Drum n Bass, God is a DJ
More Awards will follow when I can be arsed to trawl through my archives. Thanks for watching!
The 'Smells Like White Spirit' Oscars
Was looking back through my blog tonight with someone, which is something I actually never do. And was pleasantly surprised to find some stuff which I still find really funny. That's the advantage to having no memory - you can rediscover the same stuff over and over again, and it's always just as funny as it was the first time.
And it got me thinking - I've now done almost 600 posts over the last two and a half years. Sometimes I've been prolific; other times I've been sporadic. But why not have a round-up so far, for those that can't be arsed to wade through nearly three years of my rantings and ravings?
A bit like those never-ending "I remember" programmes that they seem to loop on Channel 4, but with fewer references to spacehoppers and long-forgotten sweets. Talking of which - someone bought me Space Dust last week. Space Dust! Although it was called something weird like Crackle Whizz or something. But I digress - and I promised no references to sweets.
No, perhaps let's not do it like those programmes - let's do it Oscar stylie. Grand and, erm, grandiose. Probably. Let's start with Chez's Favourite Videos...
And it got me thinking - I've now done almost 600 posts over the last two and a half years. Sometimes I've been prolific; other times I've been sporadic. But why not have a round-up so far, for those that can't be arsed to wade through nearly three years of my rantings and ravings?
A bit like those never-ending "I remember" programmes that they seem to loop on Channel 4, but with fewer references to spacehoppers and long-forgotten sweets. Talking of which - someone bought me Space Dust last week. Space Dust! Although it was called something weird like Crackle Whizz or something. But I digress - and I promised no references to sweets.
No, perhaps let's not do it like those programmes - let's do it Oscar stylie. Grand and, erm, grandiose. Probably. Let's start with Chez's Favourite Videos...
Thursday, February 05, 2009
God is a DJ part 1
Is this video the funniest thing I've ever seen? It's close, very close. I can't think of anything that I've laughed at more than this for a long time...
If you get this via the email, you're going to have to go to the site to see it! www.chezguevara.com. I promise you, it is worth it.
If you get this via the email, you're going to have to go to the site to see it! www.chezguevara.com. I promise you, it is worth it.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
The Best Complaint Letter of All Time?
This is a letter recently received by the Virgin Atlantic customer complaints team and is in my opinion, possibly the funniest customer complaint letter ever. Yahoo News actually called the Virgin Atlantic press office and they confirmed they received the letter and that Richard Branson himself called the author to thank him for the feedback. Here's the letter.
Dear Mr Branson
REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008
I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.
Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation.
Look at this Richard. Just look at it:
I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?
You don't get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it's next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That's got to be the clue hasn't it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in:
I know it looks like a baaji but it's in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you'll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It's only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.
Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what's on offer.
I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.
Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:
Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It's mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.
Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.
By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it's baffling presentation:
It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn't want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.
I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.
Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on:
I apologise for the quality of the photo, it's just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson's face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel:
Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I'd had enough. I was the hungriest I'd been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.
My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations:
Yes! It's another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.
Richard.... What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I'd done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.
So that was that Richard. I didn't eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can't imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.
As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It's just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it's knees and begging for sustenance.
Yours Sincererly...
Dear Mr Branson
REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008
I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.
Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation.
Look at this Richard. Just look at it:
I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?
You don't get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it's next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That's got to be the clue hasn't it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in:
I know it looks like a baaji but it's in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you'll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It's only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.
Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what's on offer.
I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.
Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:
Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It's mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.
Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.
By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it's baffling presentation:
It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn't want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.
I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.
Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on:
I apologise for the quality of the photo, it's just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson's face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel:
Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I'd had enough. I was the hungriest I'd been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.
My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations:
Yes! It's another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.
Richard.... What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I'd done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.
So that was that Richard. I didn't eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can't imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.
As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It's just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it's knees and begging for sustenance.
Yours Sincererly...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Kaká Deal Off as Agent Finally Mentions Word 'City'
BRAZILIAN superstar Kaká has called off a move to Manchester after his agent finally said the word 'City'.
The AC Milan striker was furious claiming he had been duped into believing he was going to sign for a proper football team that had won a major trophy since he was born. Kaká said last night:
"My agent called last week and said that Manchester were interested in me. I was so excited at the thought of all those great players, the traditions, the best coach in the world, and of course Gemma Atkinson's magnificent charlies. I packed an overnight bag and we went to the airport, but as we were walking through the terminal my agent turned to me and said 'oh, in case I didn't mention, it's Manchester City.'
"I stopped dead in my tracks and said, 'are you having a laugh? Seriously, is this some big fucking joke?'. He said to me, 'don't worry, they're a really big club with loads of money. And then there's Mark Hughes'.
"I said, 'I already play for a really big club, I've got loads of money and what, in the name of God, is a 'Mark Hughes'?'
He added: "I walked away shouting, 'go and get me a proper deal from a proper English club that does not include the word 'City'. No Hulls, no Birminghams, and no fucking Stokes!'"
Manchester City said last night they still hoped to complete the deal if they can persuade Cristiano Ronaldo to sign for the club and act as Kaká's butler.
The AC Milan striker was furious claiming he had been duped into believing he was going to sign for a proper football team that had won a major trophy since he was born. Kaká said last night:
"My agent called last week and said that Manchester were interested in me. I was so excited at the thought of all those great players, the traditions, the best coach in the world, and of course Gemma Atkinson's magnificent charlies. I packed an overnight bag and we went to the airport, but as we were walking through the terminal my agent turned to me and said 'oh, in case I didn't mention, it's Manchester City.'
"I stopped dead in my tracks and said, 'are you having a laugh? Seriously, is this some big fucking joke?'. He said to me, 'don't worry, they're a really big club with loads of money. And then there's Mark Hughes'.
"I said, 'I already play for a really big club, I've got loads of money and what, in the name of God, is a 'Mark Hughes'?'
He added: "I walked away shouting, 'go and get me a proper deal from a proper English club that does not include the word 'City'. No Hulls, no Birminghams, and no fucking Stokes!'"
Manchester City said last night they still hoped to complete the deal if they can persuade Cristiano Ronaldo to sign for the club and act as Kaká's butler.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Another Firm Bites the Dust
I heard on the news today that Pedigree Chum is the latest firm to find themselves in trouble as a result of the Credit Crunch. Apparently, they've called in the Retrievers.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Now he's on his way out...
A story, as told by France's climate ambassador Brice Lalonde:
A man comes to the White House asking to see Bush. "He doesn't live here anymore," he is told. The next two days he comes again asking the same question, and receiving the same answer.
On the fourth day, the exasperated guard shot back: "I've already told you, he's no longer here."
"I know, I know," the man replied. "But it's such a pleasure to hear you say it."
A man comes to the White House asking to see Bush. "He doesn't live here anymore," he is told. The next two days he comes again asking the same question, and receiving the same answer.
On the fourth day, the exasperated guard shot back: "I've already told you, he's no longer here."
"I know, I know," the man replied. "But it's such a pleasure to hear you say it."
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
How about a Big Hand for the Chancellor?
"Look at the girth of my fingers. Like a bunch of bananas. And you know what they say..."Oh, looks like he's got one already. Has anyone else noticed this? His left hand is actually bigger than his head. Does he have elephantiatis of the hand? Is he the Anti-Beadle? A closet Kenny Everett fan? Or does he simply have a pin-head, which makes the rest of him look like it belongs to a giant? Either way, there's something seriously wrong with this man.
Jokes...
Q. What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A. Dr Dre
************************************
I went to the doctor with chest pains. He took some x-rays and an ECG, and then told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why?
He said "because I'm trying to examine you."
************************************
Q. What's the loudest sound in music?
A. Stevie Wonder answering his iron.
************************************
Q. What's Stevie Wonder's favourite colour?
A. Corduroy
************************************
Two monkeys are in a bath.
First monkey says "Oooh! Ooooh! Ooooh! Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!"
Second monkey says "For God's sake, put some cold water in, Kevin"
************************************
Q. What's the first sign of madness?
A. Suggs walking up your drive
A. Dr Dre
************************************
I went to the doctor with chest pains. He took some x-rays and an ECG, and then told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why?
He said "because I'm trying to examine you."
************************************
Q. What's the loudest sound in music?
A. Stevie Wonder answering his iron.
************************************
Q. What's Stevie Wonder's favourite colour?
A. Corduroy
************************************
Two monkeys are in a bath.
First monkey says "Oooh! Ooooh! Ooooh! Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!"
Second monkey says "For God's sake, put some cold water in, Kevin"
************************************
Q. What's the first sign of madness?
A. Suggs walking up your drive
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
My New Favourite Facebook Group
This really does make me laugh. Oh, the cruel irony. Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you:
Your in England.. Speak the Fucking Language!!!!
(Note the piss-take group next to it!)
Your in England.. Speak the Fucking Language!!!!
(Note the piss-take group next to it!)
Monday, November 24, 2008
An Emotional Ivan Campo Sings a Ballad to Jim Magilton
After learning that the Ipswich Town Manager has said he can leave the club, former Bolton and Real Madrid midfielder Ivan Campo sings him an emotional ballad, to try to get him to change his mind.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
BNP Google Map
Wonderful new addition to Google Maps, based on the recently leaked BNP party membership online. Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you BNP Near Me. I'm pleased to announce I only have 3 official racists in my post code.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Would You?
Following today's revelations in court, the question sweeping the nation today is: How much would it take for you to sleep with Karen Matthews? Observers commented that there hasn't been this level of macabre sexual interest in a court case since Rosemary West.
It would probably be something like this
Rob from London, said: "Bearing in mind we're in a global recession, I don't think there's enough money in the world. Mind you, I don't think there'd ever be enough money in the world. In fact, if you were to build a Dr Who-type Tardis that could fly through space and time, and you were to use that Tardis to collect all the money that's ever been printed, from every planet that's ever been and will ever be, I still don't think you'd have enough money to make me sleep with that."
Jim from Birmingham, said: "I'd do it for a million, so long as you don't tell my wife."
Brian from Glasgow, said: "So long as I had a sharp knife nearby so that I could chop it off as soon as I'd finished, then yeah, why not? I can always buy a new cock with the money."
Michael from Folkestone, said: "I dunno, I'd probably do it for £500. But you'd have to give me a couple of weeks to get the money."
Looking for love? Will you be the one or will you end up under the patio like all the others?
It would probably be something like thisRob from London, said: "Bearing in mind we're in a global recession, I don't think there's enough money in the world. Mind you, I don't think there'd ever be enough money in the world. In fact, if you were to build a Dr Who-type Tardis that could fly through space and time, and you were to use that Tardis to collect all the money that's ever been printed, from every planet that's ever been and will ever be, I still don't think you'd have enough money to make me sleep with that."
Jim from Birmingham, said: "I'd do it for a million, so long as you don't tell my wife."
Brian from Glasgow, said: "So long as I had a sharp knife nearby so that I could chop it off as soon as I'd finished, then yeah, why not? I can always buy a new cock with the money."
Michael from Folkestone, said: "I dunno, I'd probably do it for £500. But you'd have to give me a couple of weeks to get the money."
Looking for love? Will you be the one or will you end up under the patio like all the others?
Shannon's Mother "didn't ask" to be ugly
The mother of schoolgirl Shannon Matthews didn't ask to be ugly, jurors heard in a court today. Karen Matthews, mother of five children, all to different partners, also didn't ask to be 'death-faced' and a disgusting heartless slut.
Not my fault
Whilst giving evidence regarding the alleged fake kidnap of Shannon, now aged 10, Detective Constable Alexander Grummitt said he had been 'surprised' at just how ugly Karen Matthews was.
"Like everyone else, I'd seen the photos of her in the papers; but that is nothing to how she actually looks in real life. I mean look at her," he added, pointing to Matthews in the dock. "Once this case is over, there should be a criminal investigation into how she got five different men to sleep with her.
"I was thrilled once little Shannon was found, because it meant I didn't have to spend a second longer in her odious company. Frankly, even seeing her today in this court, I want to rip out my own eyes and vomit in the sockets. I mean, Your Honour - for a million pounds, would you?"
During the recess, whilst Judge Mr Justice McCombe was violently sick in his chambers, Karen Matthews' lawyer told the press:
"Look, clearly she's at the bottom of the gene pool, along with that weirdo Michael Donovan. But she didn't ask to be ugly, death-faced and a disgusting heartless slut, prepared to scar her young daughter for life for a bit of cash. I blame the makers of 'Shameless' for being bad role models."
Photoshopped at birth
Not my faultWhilst giving evidence regarding the alleged fake kidnap of Shannon, now aged 10, Detective Constable Alexander Grummitt said he had been 'surprised' at just how ugly Karen Matthews was.
"Like everyone else, I'd seen the photos of her in the papers; but that is nothing to how she actually looks in real life. I mean look at her," he added, pointing to Matthews in the dock. "Once this case is over, there should be a criminal investigation into how she got five different men to sleep with her.
"I was thrilled once little Shannon was found, because it meant I didn't have to spend a second longer in her odious company. Frankly, even seeing her today in this court, I want to rip out my own eyes and vomit in the sockets. I mean, Your Honour - for a million pounds, would you?"
During the recess, whilst Judge Mr Justice McCombe was violently sick in his chambers, Karen Matthews' lawyer told the press:
"Look, clearly she's at the bottom of the gene pool, along with that weirdo Michael Donovan. But she didn't ask to be ugly, death-faced and a disgusting heartless slut, prepared to scar her young daughter for life for a bit of cash. I blame the makers of 'Shameless' for being bad role models."
Photoshopped at birth
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