Chez Guevara FM - the home of UK Psy Trance

Saturday, June 26, 2010

World Cup Predictions - Round 2

OK - so I was sort of right in my predictions for the group stages. In fact, I predicted 7 of the 16 group positions exactly, and 11 of the eventual 16 qualifiers. That's 69% right, for those that care. Probably the least interesting use of the number 69 of all time.

So now it's onto the second round, so here goes:

Holland beats Slovakia
Brazil beats Chile
Uraguay beats South Korea
Ghana beats USA
England beats Germany (obviously)
Argentina beats Mexico
Paraguay beats Japan
Spain beats Portugal

There you go. Three minutes before the games start. I expect to improve on the group 69 from last time.

Friday, June 18, 2010

England vs Algeria

Well that was the worst England performance I've ever seen, and I'm old enough to remember Graham Taylor. That was utterly shocking. Barely a chance created. It was flat and uninspired. There was no energy, no tempo, no pressing. Pretty much the only positive was that Algeria were so toothless up front that they also couldn't score. Thank Christ for USA - Slovenia drawing their match too - it means qualification is still in our own hands.

Positives? David James looked pretty solid at the back. Barry protected the back four well. Jermaine Defoe looked lively when he came on. We didn't concede. Jamie Carragher can't play against Slovenia - Carragher's shocking lack of pace is a sending off waiting to happen.

So what went wrong? For a start, Heskey isn't an international footballer. He isn't even a Premiership level footballer. The ball bounced off him, and whilst he won the odd header and tracked back well, his overall performance was terrible. I will be gutted if he starts against Slovenia.

Lennon looked totally out of his depth and didn't once try and take on his man. That's pretty poor form for a winger and his confidence is shot.

Rooney looks out of form and utterly frustrated. Lampard was once again anonymous. Gerrard tried hard, but isn't a left-winger.

I think the biggest problem is the system. Rooney is used to playing upfront on his own. Gerrard is used to playing off Torres. 4-4-2 isn't suiting us, we're hoofing it up to Heskey and hoping for flick-ons.

And I don't know what Joe Cole has to do to get a game. If it were up to me, I'd play Rooney up on his own with Gerrard just off him. Barry and Lampard behind them, with Joe Cole on the left. I'd want a LOT more from Lennon, or give SWP a run if Lennon's confidence is shot.

Or why not play Rooney upfront on his own, with Gerrard and Joe Cole playing as a front three?

Whatever, I just hope that Capello is brave enough to realise that his tactics so far haven't worked. Because on this performance, we'll be lucky to get out of the group, let alone win the damn thing.

Smells Like White Spirit - World Cup Edition

In honour of the World Cup, I've set up a dual World Cup Special version of your favourite website.

Click here to launch Smells Like World Cup Spirit. Enjoy!

Monday, June 14, 2010

A much better Crappy Obviously (not)self-penned Joke

From my friend Rachel.

Q. What do you call a very grumpy man who's been kicked in the balls?
A. Testy

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Crappy Obviously Self-Penned Jokes

Inspired by the mighty Tafkass and his Very Poor crappy and obviously self-penned jokes, and my Uncle Stephen's self-proclaimed Facebook grumpiness (His status: Q. What do you call a grumpy cow? A. Moo-dy), I have two COSPJ's of my own.

Q. What's the grumpiest day in France?
A. Mardi

Q. What do you call a grumpy dwarf?
A. Tetchy


Saturday, June 12, 2010

England v USA - Some Thoughts

Well, the match finished 1-1 and although we played alright, it was a disappointing result. We were playing OK and Gerrard looked back to his best. But then a staggeringly stupid mistake from ex-Norwich keeper Robert Green really knocked the stuffing out of us. And although we had some decent opportunities after that, I never really felt that we looked like retaking the initiative to go on and win.

Some thoughts:

We're really going to miss Rio Ferdinand. Ledley King played well, but was taken off at half-time. Will his glass knees last the tournament? I hope so - Jamie Carragher is NOT an international defender. His lack of pace was frighteningly obvious tonight. He would be utterly unclassed against the likes of Messi.

Lampard is still not showing the class that he shows for Chelsea. He was solid tonight, but unspectacular. More is going to be needed for him as a creative force during this tournament.

Robert Green is not my number one. I'd much rather see Joe Hart in goal for the rest of the tournament. His performance tonight has only cemented that for me. He was ridiculous for the equaliser, and was lucky not to be beaten at his near post in the second half, pushing a shot onto his own post. He's a decent keeper, but Hart is better.

Heskey was fantastic as a target man, but is still utterly useless in front of goal. Is his overall workrate worth the fact he can't hit a cow's arse with a banjo?

Shaun Wright-Phillips is not the answer to England's left-sided problem. I'd love to see Joe Cole given a run.

Rooney was quiet today, I thought. A few good chances, but struggled to get involved. England need to work hard to get him more in the game.

Positives: Gerrard was like a man possessed - finally he's starting to show the same kind of form that he has showed for Liverpool over the years. What will Capello do once Gareth Barry is back? Hopefully not put Gerrard on the left. Glen Johnson was excellent. Aaron Lennon showed some good touches. John Terry was solid.

But it's a point against our main group rivals, so it's not the end of the world. We'll need to work harder and be a lot more creative against the bigger teams if we're in with a chance of winning the thing. Hopefully we'll raise our game against the bigger teams. Having watched Argentina this afternoon, we're going to need to.

Friday, June 11, 2010

It's a Small(-minded) World after all

This is a letter published in yesterday's Daily Heil. Unbelievable - not so much the underlying racism which is to be expected from a Daily Heil reader - more that they actually chose to publish it. Isn't it lovely to see, at a time when the world comes together?

Inappropriate Company Name of the Century

From Football 365's Mediawatch

The following press release came to Mediawatch's attention on Thursday:

'"World of Goals" launches a new website and football index to establish and measure the performance of football players, one day before the start of World Cup 2010! Performance and fitness stats of all participating football players will be tracked and can be found on World of Goals website.'

All very nice, until you start abbreviating things...

'The WoG Index uses an algorithm...'

Whoa whoa whoa. On the eve of the first World Cup to be held in Africa, hosted by a country who in the relatively recent past employed a system of government that divided its citizens based on the colour of their skin, a ratings system called the 'WoG Index' has been launched?

A PR success, don't you think?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Football is Brilliant! As is the Queen.

So my World Cup wallchart is up and I'm ready to dazzle you all with my amazing Mystic Meg-like predictions. GASP as I predict who'll win. SIGH as a further four years of hurt for team En-ger-land. GUFFAW as they all turn out to be hopelessly inaccurate. I'll review the predictions at each turning point of the tournament, not that any of them are likely to be wrong or anything.

NOTE: That's pretty much all the humour used up in this post, and I use the term sparingly. If you're not a football fan, you can pretty much stop reading now. In fact, even if you ARE a football fan, I'd probably stop here. It's quite dull.


A Winner: France
A Runner Up: Uruguay

B Winner: Argentina
B Runner Up: Nigeria

C Winner: En-ger-land
C Runner Up: USA! USA! USA!

D Winner: Germany
D Runner Up: Serbia

E Winner: Holland
E Runner Up: Denmark

F Winner: Italy
F Runner Up: Paraguay

G Winner: Brazil
G Runner Up: Portugal

H Winner: Spain
H Runner Up: Chile

So far, so dull. Now it's onto the Second Round:

Holland beats Paraguay
Brazil beats Chile
France beats Nigeria
England beats Serbia
Germany beats USA! USA! USA!
Argentina beats Uruguay
Italy beats Denmark
Spain beats Portugal

Still with me? No? Just me, is it? Well never mind. Here's the Quarter Finals:

Brazil beats Holland
En-ger-land beats France (hurrah!)
Argentina beats Germany (who to cheer for?)
Spain beats Italy (sorry Taf)

Now it's time for the Semis (hur hur)
Brazil beats En-ger-land (Noooo!)
Argentina beats Spain (controversial!)

And finally, literally, it's the Final:

Argentina beats Brazil.

So there you have it. Even with Diego's coke-fuelled moobs in control, the Argies are still going to take home the World Cup. Unless Spain walk it, of course. And this incredible goal from Diego Silva shows why they're most people's tournament favourites. It's tippy tappy interplay that would even give Arsene Wenger an erection.

Saturday, June 05, 2010

An Exmoor Adventure

Had my first adventure of the Summer in Conan, my trustee VW Transporter. I decided to have a look around the North Devon coast. And I have to say, what I discovered absolutely blew me away. Dartmoor was pretty, but Exmoor was simply spectacular. I stayed the night in Selworthy, a secret hidden road just by Minehead. Bizarrely, I drove past a man on his own, playing the bagpipes.

The next morning, I went further into Exmoor. And there were so many fantastic things to see... However, my personal favourite was the Valley of the Rocks (which is a fantastic name in itself). It is, without a doubt, the most beautiful place I've ever seen in England. And, there's a car park... where you can stay overnight for just £5 or £16 for the WHOLE week. That's where my next holiday's going to be!

Here are some photos. They do not do any of the places I've seen justice.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Reasons Not to Listen to your Mother #2156

I have a skin tag on my neck, which looks a bit like a mole and my mother has been going on at me for months to let her freeze it off. Finally, last weekend, I consented and allowed her to attempt to freeze it off. And the result is, I now still have a skin tag - it just no longer looks like a mole. Now it looks like a very small erect penis. On my neck. Thanks. for. that.