The Mascot Nightmares Begin

MILLIONS of children are waking up this morning drenched in sweat and urine following the unveiling of the London 2012 Olympic mascots.

They smell of whisky and feast on tongues



















Wenlock and Mandeville were greeted with a chorus of blood-curdling screams as onlookers trampled each other in a desperate bid to escape.

Meanwhile London mayor Boris Johnson insisted the mascots encapsulated the spirit of the city before kneeling down in front of them and begging for his life.

Emma Bishop, a mother of two from Finsbury Park, said: "The names sound like a pair of prostitute-murdering opium addicts from the 1880s and they look like the Tellytubbies' abusive uncles.

"What we've got here is two giant, damaged teeth, each with a massive, psychotic eye and razor sharp claws. And the blue one seems to using bright, friendly colours to draw attention to his genital area.

"So these things - designed specifically for children - are basically lobster-clawed pervert monsters that remind them of the dentist. Bravo."

Helen Archer, a mother of three from Hatfield, said: "So the next time my five year-old loses a tooth and I tell him to put it under his pillow for the tooth fairy he will scream in terror and tell me it will grow into Wenlock and eat his head like it was a Malteser.

"I honestly can't believe I'm saying this, but Adrian Chiles is no longer the most disturbing thing to appear on The One Show."

Cowering behind the television with a jumper over his head, Archer's seven year-old son Jake added: "Leave me be Mr Mandeville. I'll be a good boy, I promise I will."

The mascots were developed by the sinisterly-named children's author Michael Morpurgo who conducted focus groups across the country to boil down childhood terror to its elemental form.

He said: "We initially thought of using those silent, floating zombies from Buffy The Vampire Slayer but Wenlock and Mandeville have the added bonus of looking like they could suddenly appear inside a pencil case or at the bottom of a Happy Meal."

From The Daily Mash

Child's Guide to Modern Britain

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggie a bone,
When she got there the cupboard was bare because she had spent 13 years creating public sector non-jobs for people with worthless degrees. So the poor little doggie shat in her bed.

There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse
And they all lived together in a little crooked house that he bought with a secret loan from a millionaire chum that he didn't declare to his mortgage lender because he's a sleazy prick who thinks he's better than you.

Old King Cole was a merry old soul and a merry old soul was he; He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl but he only got his bowl because some bullshit statistics showed that if he smoked his pipe then at least two of his fiddlers would die of cancer.

As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
They were all sitting on the platform at Bristol Temple Meads and had been there for about three hours because the rail system in this country is a pile of fucking shit.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses, And all the King's men
Did not have enough helicopters to put Humpty together again and anyway it's a waste of time because it is a vicious tribal dispute that will continue long after we have been forced to withdraw.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
And this little piggy flipped his London flat and his constituency home eight times and used your money to pay for a new conservatory, a massive telly and a vibrating chair and then tried to stop you finding out about it,
All the way home.

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
By the way, the chief medical officer says that amount of treacle is really bad for you and that excessive treacle eating is costing this country £14bn a day in lost productivity and exploding children.

Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, but it will cost you £1.20 a bag because of the government's latest hike in wool duty and the fact that sterling is now worth less than the Albanian Lek.

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain.
He would have stepped in a puddle
Right up to his middle
But luckily he was a GP so was driving one of his Range Rovers to the golf course while his receptionist referred all his patients to the local chemist.

One, two buckle my shoe
Three, four, knock at the door
Five, seven is it? I'm sorry, I went to a state school that felt that arithmetic was not as important as teaching me about lesbians and socialism.

Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
But the police and fire brigade won't be able to do anything in case they breach the latest health and safety directive from the Department of Fucking Arseholes.

From the Daily Mash

Opponents of Assisted Suicide still convinced it's any of their business

PEOPLE who are opposed to assisted suicide are still absolutely convinced that it is any of their business, according to a new survey.

A BBC opinion poll found that of those who are against voluntary euthanasia, more than half are 'fairly' or 'reasonably' sure they need to have an ill-informed opinion about the inner-most recesses of someone else's soul.

Meanwhile almost a third continue to believe it is more their business than the person who is actually trying to kill themselves.

The poll asked, 'Someone you don't know with a horrible disease wants a close friend or relative to help them end their lives - what the fuck has it got to do with you?'.

According to the survey 22% said 'a bit the fuck to do with me', 46% said 'a lot the fuck to do with me' and the remaining 32% said that absolutely everything was their business all the time.

The survey is part of a Panorama special on people who have been charged with the murder of a relative after the Crown Prosecution Service decided not to listen to a single word they were saying.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "While there is always the risk of someone using it as a cover for actual homicide, in the vast majority of cases it really is none of your business, so just shut up.

"Meanwhile if the police suspect foul play there is nothing to stop them launching a full investigation, thus giving Midsomer Murders that glorious whiff of authenticity."

Terminal illness sufferer Julian Cook, from Grantham, added: "If they're so sure that the number of days I choose to be alive has got something to do with them then perhaps they could give my wife the afternoon off and help me wipe my bum while telling me lots of fascinating things about Jesus."

From the Daily Mash

Bank Anger Profit Bonus in Fatcat Fury Shame

Furious fatcat taxpayer money bonus and angry meltdown shame greed, it emerged today.

Barclay men show disgraced £3bn taxpayer jobless recession profit despite shame bonus and taxpayer meltdown crunch disaster. But as bank shame anger rose to fatcat, outraged tax money say bail-out meltdown pay for risky bonus greed shame fury.

Bill, a furious angry man, say: "Fatcat. Meltdown. Taxpayer. Greedy shame fury. Make bad thing go now."

Wayne, a sad jobless, say: "No job. Me. Them money. Bonus things. Nice bonus money things. Me no things. Fury anger bonus shame."

Margaret, old woman from nice place, say: "Pensioner. Me. Old lady. Fatcat greedymen. Winter so cold time. No soup. Me go all blue. Then what?"

Vince, a politics man, say: "Appalling. Nasty, shamey greedymen. All angry pocket lining and excessive shame risk. Homes. Jobs. Billions. Crisis-crunch." He add: "China! Fred Goodwin!"

But Tom, analysing man, say: "Pensions. That's your pension. That £3bn is where your pension comes from. Stop talking now, fucknut idiots."

You Know Who You Are...

Kaká Deal Off as Agent Finally Mentions Word 'City'

BRAZILIAN superstar Kaká has called off a move to Manchester after his agent finally said the word 'City'.

The AC Milan striker was furious claiming he had been duped into believing he was going to sign for a proper football team that had won a major trophy since he was born. Kaká said last night:

"My agent called last week and said that Manchester were interested in me. I was so excited at the thought of all those great players, the traditions, the best coach in the world, and of course Gemma Atkinson's magnificent charlies. I packed an overnight bag and we went to the airport, but as we were walking through the terminal my agent turned to me and said 'oh, in case I didn't mention, it's Manchester City.'

"I stopped dead in my tracks and said, 'are you having a laugh? Seriously, is this some big fucking joke?'. He said to me, 'don't worry, they're a really big club with loads of money. And then there's Mark Hughes'.

"I said, 'I already play for a really big club, I've got loads of money and what, in the name of God, is a 'Mark Hughes'?'

He added: "I walked away shouting, 'go and get me a proper deal from a proper English club that does not include the word 'City'. No Hulls, no Birminghams, and no fucking Stokes!'"

Manchester City said last night they still hoped to complete the deal if they can persuade Cristiano Ronaldo to sign for the club and act as Kaká's butler.

Public Can't Wait to be Truncheoned Across the Jaw, says Smith

Most British people are looking forward to having a policeman stand on their windpipe, the Home Secretary said yesterday.

More than 80% 'want it to be like Abu Ghraib'














Jacqui Smith insisted there was widespread public support for state-sponsored beatings and being asked to hand over your papers.

She said: "People have been coming up to me in the street and demanding I set about them with a baseball bat. One man even handed me a bamboo cane before getting down on his hands and knees and suggesting I start with his buttocks.

"And you would not believe the number of people who have already applied to be stripped naked and thrown in a police cell with a single, bare light bulb that is on 24 hours a day while being pummeled with a high pressure hose whenever they try to go to sleep.

"I ask them 'would you not want to know what you'd been charged with?' and they say 'no, of course not, that would be a victory for Al Qaeda'."

She added: "As I've always said, the vast majority of sensible people in this country understand that being at the business end of a brutal and unprovoked assault will actually make them safer.

"In fact, just last week I got a letter from an old lady who asked me to chase her onto the bus and then shoot her in the face. I thought I was going to cry."

Banks not happy until all that's left is Banks

The banks will not rest until they have destroyed everything that is not a bank, experts warned last night. Economists now believe the international banking industry is in the final stages of a detailed plan designed to bankrupt everyone and then kill them.

Dr Bill McKay, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Stage one was to engineer a credit boom and get everyone up to their nipples in debt.

"Stage two was to create some bullshit crisis and then exterminate the housing market.

"Stage three was to beg for a trillion pound bail-out and leave all the governments teetering on the edge of financial ruin.

"Now we're at stage four - refusing to pass on interest rate cuts, killing off any remaining businesses and forcing absolutely everyone into bankruptcy and death."

According to Dr McKay the banks will then tower over a wasteland of abandoned shops and decaying corpses before stealing whatever small amounts of change they can scavenge from the pockets of the dead.

He added: "The last remaining bits of cash will be held by Mervyn King, sitting alone in his office in Threadneedle Street. But the banks will hunt him down and devour him like a horde of rabid zombie vampires.

"They will then bulldoze away the ruins of everything that was not a bank and build a new society filled with pathetic little men who spend all day lending each other money and rubbing used tenners into their groin."

Ross and Brand are Heroes, say Spanish

THE Madrid government last night sprang to the defence of Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross hailing them as the new heroes of anti-Spanish racism.

Prime minister José Luis Zapatero said the assault on Andrew Sachs was 'measured' given the actor's portrayal of a halfwit Spaniard who thinks a rat is some kind of Siberian hamster.

Zapatero said Sachs, banned from entering Spain since 1976, was single-handedly responsible for the country's image as a nation of greasy-haired chimpanzees who have to have everything explained to them twice.
















A spokesman for the Spanish embassy in London said: "We've been leaving dirty messages on his answerphone for years. And every Sunday we camp outside his house and chuck handfuls of paella at his front door."

Spain's biggest newspaper El Pais said: "Señors Ross and Brand are the champions of every waiter who has ever served a table of drunken English tourists who find it amusing to answer all of his questions with 'Qué?' until one of them finally comes out with 'I'm so sorry, he's from Barcelona'."

Meanwhile, the BBC has offered Brand's £200,000 salary to the Treasury to help pay down the jaw-droppingly out-of-control national debt that everyone seems to think is irrelevant compared to some swear words on an answering machine.

And although Jonathan Ross will keep his job, he was last night told to apologise 18 million times over the next three years.

BBC Director-General Mark Thompson said last night: "Jonathan is very sorry and hopes this will go some way to making up for any distress he may have caused. But he remains a valuable part of the BBC and I look forward to threatening you all with jail in order to pay his multi-million pound salary."

Latest National Mood to be Unveiled

SOME of the biggest names in Britain will gather in central London today for the unveiling of the new national mood.

Prime minister Gordon Brown will be joined by host of celebrities including Steve Coogan, Elaine Page, Sir Bobby Charlton and the stars of All Creatures Great and Small.

The mood unveiling comes as a poll in the Daily Telegraph found that 68% of Britons want everything to be much more like Victoria Wood.

Experts are predicting the much anticipated new mood will have no truck with high salaries, nail varnish and swear words, particularly 'fucknut' and 'cunt-features'.

The prime minister is also expected to outline plans for a wide-ranging government inquiry into what is and is not funny.

Tom Logan, national mood detector at the Institute for Studies, said: "The inclusion of the All Creatures cast suggests an early Fifties, austerity kind of mood. We're looking at decency, v-neck sweaters, decency, home-made broth, decency and everything being unbelievably tedious. There might be some scope for a bit of cheekiness on BBC1 on Saturday nights. Perhaps Victoria Wood could give a weekly rendition of that song she does about fucking."

He added: "It will be interesting to see if it works, particularly as most British workers spend their day forwarding emails and videos that make the Andrew Sachs wank fantasy look like Songs of Praise."

Meanwhile public outrage at the treatment of Andrew Sachs boiled over last night as Britain reached a new peak of furious incoherence.

News websites struggled to cope as millions of violently confused readers found themselves unable to contain their angry, ill-informed opinions.

A BBC spokesman said: "Britain is obviously trying to tell us something but they need to slow down and do their very best to communicate in whole sentences."

Some of the comments posted on The Times yesterday:

I don't know who these people are or what this is all about but thanks to them I have spent the entire morning being violently sick on my neighbour's car. It's a bridge too far. Or is it two bridges not too far enough? Bring back Hattie Jacques!
Mrs Margaret, Guildford

How would they like it if someone came into their bedroom in the middle of the night and drenched them in gin and started fondling their legs and then playing with their willy until it made a horrid mess? Not very much, is what I think. Filthy boys. We should kill them with lions.
jstraw, Blackburn

Thankfully I missed this whole sordid episode. When will the BBC do the right thing and repeat in full? I get back from work around six.
Chewbacca, Norwich

But the granddaughter though eh? She's not exactly, you know, is she? I mean come on, let's not forget what this is really all about. Exactly. Vote UKIP!
paddingtonbear69, Macclesfield

This reminds me of the time the Dimbleby brothers phoned me up during 'Any Answers' and offered to wank me into a teapot. I see the BBC hasn't changed one bit.
Andypandy, Taunton

Banks to Lend You Your Own Money

The Government is to invest £500bn of your money in British banks so they can lend it back to you with interest. The historic move is being hailed as a lifeline for the financial system as long as nobody asks too many questions.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Corbett and Barker, said: "The government will give your money to the banks so the banks can start lending you that money, probably at around 7% APR. Thanks to all the interest you're paying on your own money, the banks will make billions of pounds again and normality will be restored. After a few years of this the government will cash in the bank shares it bought with your money and use the profits to build a huge fucking dome somewhere."

He added: "In case you hadn't already worked it out - the entire global financial system is predicated on the assumption that you're an idiot."

Meanwhile, building a time machine to take us back 18 months would have been cheaper than the multi-billion pound bank bail out, it was claimed last night. As the government spent £500bn recreating the exact economic conditions of April 2007, Britain's leading time travel engineer said he could have done it for half that.

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "You need a Vauxhall Corsa, a small amount of plutonium and something I call the 'flux capacitor'. You simply punch in the date - let's say, April 15th, 2007 - activate the flux capacitor, and accelerate the Corsa to 88mph. At that point a hole opens up in the space-time continuum and in the blink of an eye you've got mortgages being handed out like free newspapers and credit cards coming out of your arse."

"And once you start giving people credit they can't afford and engineering a global banking collapse, you just jump in the Corsa and start all over again."

He added: "Of course, in 2007 there was no such thing as plutonium so we'll have to rig up some kind of giant lightning conductor. It'll be fine."

Meanwhile the National Audit Office has also criticised the government's overspend on recreating April 2007.

A spokesman said: "It would actually have been cheaper to launch an intergalactic space mission to search for the planet Krypton, find Superman, bring him back and get him to fly round and round the Earth until it started rotating the other way, thereby turning back time and opening up the wholesale money markets again."