The Mascot Nightmares Begin

MILLIONS of children are waking up this morning drenched in sweat and urine following the unveiling of the London 2012 Olympic mascots.

They smell of whisky and feast on tongues



















Wenlock and Mandeville were greeted with a chorus of blood-curdling screams as onlookers trampled each other in a desperate bid to escape.

Meanwhile London mayor Boris Johnson insisted the mascots encapsulated the spirit of the city before kneeling down in front of them and begging for his life.

Emma Bishop, a mother of two from Finsbury Park, said: "The names sound like a pair of prostitute-murdering opium addicts from the 1880s and they look like the Tellytubbies' abusive uncles.

"What we've got here is two giant, damaged teeth, each with a massive, psychotic eye and razor sharp claws. And the blue one seems to using bright, friendly colours to draw attention to his genital area.

"So these things - designed specifically for children - are basically lobster-clawed pervert monsters that remind them of the dentist. Bravo."

Helen Archer, a mother of three from Hatfield, said: "So the next time my five year-old loses a tooth and I tell him to put it under his pillow for the tooth fairy he will scream in terror and tell me it will grow into Wenlock and eat his head like it was a Malteser.

"I honestly can't believe I'm saying this, but Adrian Chiles is no longer the most disturbing thing to appear on The One Show."

Cowering behind the television with a jumper over his head, Archer's seven year-old son Jake added: "Leave me be Mr Mandeville. I'll be a good boy, I promise I will."

The mascots were developed by the sinisterly-named children's author Michael Morpurgo who conducted focus groups across the country to boil down childhood terror to its elemental form.

He said: "We initially thought of using those silent, floating zombies from Buffy The Vampire Slayer but Wenlock and Mandeville have the added bonus of looking like they could suddenly appear inside a pencil case or at the bottom of a Happy Meal."

From The Daily Mash

That's alright then.

In political news, I see that Labour backbencher Jon Cruddas has ruled himself out of the leadership race. On the same premise, I'd like to point out that after serious consideration, I am also not interested in entering into a relationship with Cheryl Cole.

We both agree she's a horribly violent racist who looks like a very realistic sex doll.

Welcome to ConDemNation

It's a little-known fact that I live my life by a moral code I like to call "What would Aragorn do?" For those that don't know, Aragorn is one of the characters in Lord of the Rings. Yes, I know he isn't real. Stop laughing. Lord of the Rings harks back to an era when honour and principles actually meant something.

So imagine if you will, the Lord of the Rings. The threat of the dark lord Sauron is evergrowing and the whole of Middle Earth stands in the shadow of Mordor... The battles are ferocious, there are losses on both sides. And then, right at the end, at the black gates of Mordor, Aragorn decides "actually, there's not that much difference between us and Sauron. We could probably work something out". They're later seen chatting and joking together, without a care in the world. Can you imagine how Frodo would feel?

And that's kind of how I feel about Nick Clegg leaping into bed with the Tories.

In the run up to the election, it wasn't easy to know who to vote for. I felt that Labour had lost their way somewhat and the country needed freshening up. However, at the same time, I knew I didn't want the Tories in. So voting for the Lib Dems seemed to make the most sense, with the hope of a Lib / Lab hung parliament that could bring about real change.

So I ended up voting Lib Dem - and in my constituency, the increased Lib Dem vote watered down the ruling Labour vote, and the Tories took full advantage and won the seat.

If I had known that the Lib Dems were going to jump into bed with the Tories, I'd have never voted for them. In fact, there's a real chance I'll never vote for them again. How many Lib Dem activists must be be recoiling in utter horror at what's transpired? THEIR party has let the Tories in? I know for one - if I'd have given up my time to canvass for them (and I did seriously consider it), I'd be furious now.

To be quite honest - I want my vote back.

One last word - Nick Clegg is playing an unbelievably dangerous strategy. Yes, I understand that Labour weren't really interested in forming a coalition. Yes, I know that the Lib Dems may soften the Tories' darker side. I even get the fact that principles without power (the default position of the Lib Dems since the 20s) is eventually pointless.

However, the Lib Dems picked up an awful lot of disillusioned ex-Blairite Labour supporters in the past election. By throwing his hand in with the Tories, all Clegg has succeeded in doing is sending those voters back to Labour in their droves.

Nick Clegg may be a man of principles. And he will get experience of government, plus the chance to actually implement the changes to this country he so clearly believes in. However, it remains to be seen how many of his supporters will feel disillusioned, lied to and utterly betrayed. I personally would never have voted Lib Dem if I'd have known that they'd end up backing the enemy. I suspect short-term power may well lead to a longer-term backlash. And for those of us that are old enough to remember the election of 1997 - the Tories know all too well what happens when the electorate feels betrayed.

I think Nick Clegg's only chance is for this parliament to run the full 5 years and hope that we've all forgotten by then. I think that a snap re-election would see a very different outcome.

Raging Against the Machine

Those that know me well will know that I am an avid follower of politics. However, it is a bittersweet relationship, because it is also so inherently unfair and makes me so utterly cross. Let me explain.

I believe that voting in an election is a tremendously important thing to do. I believe that it should really matter. I believe that it is something that should be contemplated in depth. Voting should not be like supporting a football team, your allegiances can change as the parties themselves change.

However, I also know that this is an idealist, yet sadly irrelevant view of our democracy. Because of the electoral system that we have, the vast majority of people's votes are deemed worthless. Let's look at my own constituency, Plymouth Sutton.

Results at 2005 General Election:
Labour: 15,497
Conservative: 11,388
Lib Dem: 8,685
UKIP: 2,392
Socialist Labour: 230
Total votes: 38,192.

Labour won the seat, but this means that 22,695 voters may as well have not bothered - their vote simply won't count because they didn't vote for the winning party. Those people are therefore unrepresented in the House of Commons, and that's 7,000 more people than ARE represented by the winning party. How can that be fair or even democratic?

So now we have 2010. I'm going to vote Lib Dem, but it would need a pretty big swing from the figures in 2009 for the Lib Dems to realistically win the seat. So should I vote tactically? But that would actually mean voting for someone that I DON'T want to win, to stop someone else getting in. In which dimension is it a good thing to be forced to vote for someone you don't want?

But at least in my constituency, they're in with a chance. There are plenty of constituencies with huge majorities for one party, where you may as well not bother voting if you don't support that ruling party.

No wonder there is such apathy in the nation when it comes to politics - everyone just knows that deep down, voting really doesn't matter that much. And that's it, I guess. I WANT to believe that voting is important. I TELL people that they should get out and vote. But deep down, I know that apart from in a few closely-fought seats, you might as well not bother.

This election, Nick Clegg of the Lib Dems is really enjoying a wave of popularity. Why? Because the nation wants Gordon Brown to get out, but doesn't particularly want the Tories in. And for the first time in quite a while, there does seem to be a valid third way, a way that isn't better the devil you know or the devil itself.

But he won't get in. We all KNOW that. Even if he were to ride a Barack Obama-esque wave of popularity, he still wouldn't get in. Not least because we're all told so often that the Lib Dems are irrelevant, that they'll never be in power, that it's a wasted vote. People may flirt with the Lib Dems but in the end, they'll vote for one of the two because they know that real change isn't actually possible.

And talking of the media... Well, we all know that the papers are split into two main camps - those that are supporting the Tories (Sun, Star, Times, Mail, Express, Telegraph) and those that are supportive of Labour (Mirror, Guardian, Independent). The Indy & Grauniad are sympathetic to the Lib Dems, but they're always going to be reluctant to desert Labour.

This means that the Lib Dems are doing what they're doing without any mainstream support. In fact, now that they are being perceived as a threat to Cameron's Conservative revival, the right-wing press has Nick Clegg firmly in their sights. Here's a selection of today's Front Pages:

- The Times: Cameron: Hung Parliament will risk Economic Disaster
- The Sun: Wobble Democrat
- Di'ly Express: Nick Clegg's Crazy Immigration Policy
- Daily Heil: Clegg in Nazi Slur on Britain
- The Torygraph: Nick Clegg, the Lib Dem donors and payments into his private bank account

Only the Independent (Clegg Raises the Stakes) offers anything pro-Clegg on its front page. The Guardian and Mirror don't even mention him.

Nazi slurs, immigration wobbles, expense scandals... Grasping at straws, no doubt, but on the eve of the second leader debate, it is timely to say the least.

So the poor Lib Dems... Labour has boundary reform in their favour (which means that they could actually come 3rd in terms of the popular vote, but still win a Commons majority), the Tories have most of the press... And the Lib Dems stand alone. However, I do believe that this year could be different. I don't believe for a second that the Lib Dems will get in. However, I do think there is a real chance that there could be a hung parliament. And with a hung parliament, the Lib Dems will insist on REAL voting reform.

Forget the fearmongering, real voting reform is EXACTLY what this country needs. I want to live in a country where my vote does matter and real change is possible. We live in a country where we got Rage Against the Machine to Number 1 as a protest against Shit-Factor or Britain Must Be Stopped or whatever it was. Half a million people gave enough of a shit against Simon Cowell to get off their arses and do something. I would love it if people felt the same about who is running the country. And for that, you have to feel included, you have to feel that your vote counts.

Did the Earth move for you?

I'm moving to Iran. According to Hojjat ol-eslam Kazem Sediqi (the acting Friday prayer leader in Tehran), promiscuous women are actually causing earthquakes. Clearly these degenerate woman and their richter-scale lovemaking are seriously worth knowing. In the biblical sense.

There's a great quote in the article:

"Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes," he explained.

I don't think I've ever read one sentence with so many non-sequiturs in it. Firstly, there is the obvious implication that we men are powerless to resist the fiery biscuits of these strumpets.

However, I love the casual 'which increases earthquakes' as if it's a scientific causal effect. Well, I think that Dave Cameron is a slippery little shit and just the thought of him being in power makes volcanoes in Iceland go off. And I'm fairly certain that Simon Cowell is individually responsible for global warming. The bastard.

April Fooooool!

Usual bunch of prank stories in today's papers for April Fool's Day. But one that made me laugh quite a lot was in the Guardian. The story suggested that Labour was responding to the Tories' negative campaign with a poster campaign of their own. In short, Labour had decided to capitalize on Gordon Brown's unlikeable persona by portraying him as a hard man bully boy:












But what makes this story really funny is that some people really fell for it.

Opponents of Assisted Suicide still convinced it's any of their business

PEOPLE who are opposed to assisted suicide are still absolutely convinced that it is any of their business, according to a new survey.

A BBC opinion poll found that of those who are against voluntary euthanasia, more than half are 'fairly' or 'reasonably' sure they need to have an ill-informed opinion about the inner-most recesses of someone else's soul.

Meanwhile almost a third continue to believe it is more their business than the person who is actually trying to kill themselves.

The poll asked, 'Someone you don't know with a horrible disease wants a close friend or relative to help them end their lives - what the fuck has it got to do with you?'.

According to the survey 22% said 'a bit the fuck to do with me', 46% said 'a lot the fuck to do with me' and the remaining 32% said that absolutely everything was their business all the time.

The survey is part of a Panorama special on people who have been charged with the murder of a relative after the Crown Prosecution Service decided not to listen to a single word they were saying.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "While there is always the risk of someone using it as a cover for actual homicide, in the vast majority of cases it really is none of your business, so just shut up.

"Meanwhile if the police suspect foul play there is nothing to stop them launching a full investigation, thus giving Midsomer Murders that glorious whiff of authenticity."

Terminal illness sufferer Julian Cook, from Grantham, added: "If they're so sure that the number of days I choose to be alive has got something to do with them then perhaps they could give my wife the afternoon off and help me wipe my bum while telling me lots of fascinating things about Jesus."

From the Daily Mash

You can't polish a turd, but you can rub it in Glitter

Yes alright, it's perhaps not a particularly appropriate or fitting headline for a fictional documentary on capital punishment, but I thought 'The Execution of Gary Glitter' was both thought-provoking and very well written. Most of the characters were believable and Hilton McRae was simply excellent as the man himself.

I also think the decision to make it as a documentary was rather inspired - and thought the writers were careful not to take sides. There was no question of it being a vehicle to ram home their own opinions, and neither side was portrayed as right or wrong. The death penalty is without doubt a moral quagmire - and the whole point of the show was to question our own attitudes to it. Indeed, it has put the topic of capital punishment firmly back in the public spotlight for the first time in years.

I think there is no more emotive subject than child rape - and on that basis, it is hard to argue for human rights for anyone that carries out such an abhorrent crime. I don't have children, but I do have nephews - and if that happened to any of them, my initial reaction would certainly be that I want to kill the person who did it. But would I? If it actually came to it? Would I actually take another person's life?

And I have to say, the honest answer is no, I wouldn't. Right at the end - if it really came to it, I wouldn't. Oh don't get me wrong, I would want them to pay for what they'd done. But, at the end of the day, I am not a monster. And I feel that if we play by the same rules as the evil we're trying to fight, then eventually we become what it is we are trying to overcome.

Ghandi once said "There are many causes that I am prepared to die for, but no causes that I am prepared to kill for".

It's not that these monsters deserve to live - it's just that we mustn't descend to their level. You don't fight evil with evil.

Johnson & Nutt Sack: "Unseemly Spat"

David Cameron has called the row between Alan Johnson and the sacked Professor David Nutt an 'unseemly spat'. I haven't got anything to actually say about it - I just had to somehow crowbar in possibly the best headline in history.

Has it been worth it?

'Operation Enduring Freedom'. Remember that? October 2001, it was the name given to the invasion of Afghanistan to overthrow the Taliban. 8 years on - and after the unwelcome milestone of the 200th British soldier to die there - just how is that 'Enduring Freedom' working out?

Firstly, perhaps I need to say that I am not necessarily a pacifist. Gandhi is a hero of mine, but his policy of 'non-violence' only really works against a nation that does more or less adhere to a certain moral code. Against someone like Hitler, Stalin or even Saddam Hussein, Gandhi's actions would have been disastrous and bloody.

So I begrudgingly accept that there are times when you have to stand up and fight for what is right. Like the fight against Fascism in the 30s, which eventually led onto the Second World War, for example. That was a war that even the strongest pacifist has to concede was unavoidable.

However, is the war on Afghanistan in that category? 8 years later - 200 British deaths later - we have to look and see what have we managed to achieve there? Whenever you pay a price with the blood of your own soldiers, it is important that you know it was worth it.

And I have to say, in my humble opinion, it hasn't been.

At the start of the occupation of Afghanistan, there was a lot made about the oppressive nature of the Taliban. Particularly about their treatment of women. The removal of the Taliban was the only way to give democracy to Afghanistan, freedom to men and women throughout the country, it was said.

8 years on, it turns out that things are worse for women than it ever has been. It is now legal for a man to starve his wife if she refuses him sex. It is legal for a man to rape his wife. A woman still needs her husband's permission to work. And it is obscene that we are sending British soldiers to support that regime.

The level of self-immolation (setting themselves on fire) amongst women has never been so high as it is now. It is a sad truth that when there is no justice for women, they see no other way out than suicide.

Afghanistan is now run by Warlords, and opium production since the US occupation in 2001 has exploded. There was almost no opium produced under the Taliban, according to the UN's Drug Control Agency - now Afghanistan produces 93% of the world's opium, an increase of over 4000% by some estimates, which represents over half the country's GDP.

So what's changed? Women are still being raped, oppressed and abused. A child born in Afghanistan has a 25% chance of not making it to their fifth birthday. I would suggest for the average Afghan, not a lot has changed at all. Except now there is also war, with the poverty and destruction that brings as well as oppression.

And we have a democratic election as we speak, although it would appear that they are simply puppets of the various warlords. The names may change, but the story remains sadly the same.

Mailicious Reporting

As I'm currently experiencing the joys of Swine Flu, I am pleased to see that the Daily Mail has got my back. They're not getting swept away by sensationalist scaremongering:

"Do you ever feel as if The Authorities are doing their damnedest to scare us all to death? First, there's swine flu" writes Lorna Martin in today's Mail.

"When raising the threat alert for swine flu from level four to five in April, Margaret Chan, head of the World Health Organisation, declared that 'all of humanity is under threat'..."

"While sadly, at the time of writing, 31 people have died in the UK after contracting the virus, as many as 29 of them had other underlying, life-threatening conditions. That means there have been as few as two deaths solely caused by the swine flu virus. Two! T. W. O. Six thousand people die from normal flu every year in Britain."

Quite so. Those dastardly, irresponsible, scaremongering 'Authorities'.

On a completely separate note, here's a headline from The Daily Mail on May 1:
'How swine flu could be a bigger threat to humanity than nuclear warfare.'

Pandemic Pandemonium

Whenever I think of Swine Flu, I always think of flying pigs. This is perhaps a little disrespectful, seeing as official forecasts suggest it will kill us all by next Friday. Still, I haven't got much on, so it could be worse.

I do however feel sorry for anyone who is pregnant after the National Childbirth Trust (the UK's biggest parenting charity) warned that "the risks of the pandemic were so great that women should delay having babies."

Expect cases of infibulation amongst white middle-class women to soar as Daily Heil-reading expectant mothers try to hold it in as long as possible.

As a man, obviously I do understand the very real danger and pain that any type of flu presents. However, if I were a pregnant woman right now I would be slightly more worried about the prospect of pushing a live human through my vagina.

After childbirth, your vagina is never quite the same again. A bit more worrying than feeling crap for a few days

Irony that Alanis Morrisette would have been proud of

Whilst looking at news of the sad demise of Michael Jackson, I saw a link advertising limited tickets to his upcoming tour. In retrospect, I wonder if he wishes he'd chosen a better slogan.

Crap Made-up Topical Gag

I hear that the Policeman accused of being instrumental in the death of G20 demonstrator Ian Tomlinson has been signed up by Max Clifford for a West-End pantomime. Apparently the Policeman in question wasn't too keen until he heard they were going to do Aladdin.

Political Lookey-likie

Former Chief Executive of HBOS and until recently Deputy Chairman of the FSA James Crosby and X-Files Assistant Director at the FBI, Walter Skinner. And they don't just look the same - they're both victims of hand / face superglue pranks.

I'm sure there's a joke about fucking up the country and 'the Truth is out there' or some other X-Files reference, but I can't be arsed to think one up. Just work it out for yourselves - let me know if you come up with anything half decent.

How about a Big Hand for the Chancellor?

"Look at the girth of my fingers. Like a bunch of bananas. And you know what they say..."









Oh, looks like he's got one already. Has anyone else noticed this? His left hand is actually bigger than his head. Does he have elephantiatis of the hand? Is he the Anti-Beadle? A closet Kenny Everett fan? Or does he simply have a pin-head, which makes the rest of him look like it belongs to a giant? Either way, there's something seriously wrong with this man.

BNP Google Map

Wonderful new addition to Google Maps, based on the recently leaked BNP party membership online. Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you BNP Near Me. I'm pleased to announce I only have 3 official racists in my post code.

Bask in my Celebrity

Took part in a Radio phone-in on BBC Radio Devon today, talking about the state of the mortgage market.

If you want to listen, click here:

Chez's 15 minutes of Fame

I'm on about 35 minutes in.

Spot the Difference...

Nice bit of ethnic cleansing by the Sun last week, in this picture of Prince William and his crew during Royal Navy manoeuvres in the azure seas off Montserrat. First picture is what appeared in the London Metro. The second picture is what appeared in the Sun. Although if you look not very closely in the second picture, you can still clearly see the guys knees. Makes it look like the boat is VERY excited at having Wills on board.

You can take out the black man, but you can't take out his knees apparently.

Massaging the Truth

I wrote a couple of days ago about a report, stating that the influx of Eastern European immigrants had not led to a crime wave, which had been widely predicted in the nation's media. In the post, I wondered what the Di'ly Express and the Daily Heil would write about now. I needn't have worried.












...wails the front-page headline from the ever-reticent Di'ly Express. "Immigration from Eastern Europe has led to a huge surge in crime, police chiefs will tell the Home Secretary today".

Interesting. The Express claims to have seen an advance copy of the police report, which had revealed that in fact immigration has not increased the rates of crime in Britain. In fact the Express includes in its own article quotes from the co-author of the report, Chief Constable Peter Fahy, who had said: "Migration has had a significant impact on UK communities, but while this has led to new demands on the police service, the evidence does not support theories of a large-scale crime wave generated through migration."

But hey, what the hell would the Express do with facts like that? Their 'evidence' for their claims comes in the following 'damning' passage from the report:

"EU migration has brought with it a huge surge in the exploitation of migrants and organised crime."

So hang on chaps... What you're saying is that migrants have been taken advantage of by the indiginous population? Don't you feel proud to be British? As a measure of just how shameless the Express story is, The Heil only find room for their spin on things on page 12 of their esteemed journal.