Eurovision 2010

Just had a top night watching this year's Eurovision Song Contest. The competition was pretty good this year - no outstanding entries, but solid, I thought. Highlights of the night were the Greeks with their mixture of butch tribalness and Belarus' beautiful butterfly costumes. It was won by the Germans, so next year's competition will take place in Germany. I haven't been back to Germany since I lived there - If it's possible to get tickets, I might seriously think about going along - it's on my list of things to do before I die. (Quite low down, though). Anyhoo, here are some pictures - only two of us went in fancy dress (well done Ruth!), I had to explain my efforts to the younger ones (I went as Uncle Bulgaria, in case you're wondering). Fortunately, nobody seems to have taken a picture of my grey furry chaps.

Tiny Things...

I LOVE the new Facebook profile. It means I can do things like this...

Myface Stalkbook Exchange Between Tafkass and Yours Truly...

TAFKASS: Still having trouble sleeping properly... in fact, if I were Madonna, I'd be "Desperately Seeking Snoozin".
Yesterday at 22:24 • Comment •Like Unlike

CHEZ GUEVARA: Taf, that's like (a) vigin on the ridiculous
about an hour ago

TAFKASS: I know. Not sure why I can't sleep; maybe I need some Bedtime Stories. Or perhaps it's something to do with my duvet cover; in fact, I asked my sister the other day - "Am I using the wrong Material, Girl?"
about an hour ago

CHEZ GUEVARA: It could be the mattress. Have you got anything you could use temporarily whilst you sort it out, Like a (Pr)air Bed?
about an hour ago

TAFKASS: I think I know what the problem is - I've got two single beds, and, because I'm too tight to buy a double, I've just pushed them together and am sleeping on that. Problem is, they tend to separate during the night, and I keep falling Into the Groove.
50 minutes ago

CHEZ GUEVARA: Yes, I can see how that would be a problem. And the more you try and rectify the problem, the Deeper and Deeper you go. Although apparently Anita Roddick, the founder of the Body Shop has branched out into sleep clinics, which might be worth a try. I think it's called Lazy Lab Anita.
27 minutes ago

TAFKASS: I've also just realised that my curtains are a little short for the window, and the resultant Ray of Light probably isn't helping; when the sun's Orbit is mixed in, it just makes it worse. But thanks for the tip, Chez - I'll give it a try. At the end of the day, I just want something which will make me go to sleep... uhh.. quicker. Or as the French might say, Ehhh... Vite-er.

(By the way, girls, we're both single, if you're wondering.)
13 minutes ago


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For more horrifying puns and mayhem, go visit The Artist formerly known as Shit Sandwich (Tafkass) at www.verypoor.co.uk

Marval-ous

Just spent a short mini-break with friends in la belle France and managed not to smoke for the whole time I was out there. What was especially pleasing was the fact that many of my old triggers were there and I wasn't the slightest bit tempted.

On the first night, I only had one hour's sleep, which left me feeling massively overtired and therefore a little bit emotionally fragile. This was what got me last time, but this time, I managed to not react like a petulant infant. Throughout the weekend, I was in the company of three people that were smoking and there was also a fair amount of alcohol. Although I was careful on the alcohol side, I didn't find that drinking or being around smokers made me want to smoke. I was tremendously pleased about that.

All things being considered, I felt pretty good about it all. Wednesday will be the three-week magic mark and hopefully bring an end to the emotional turmoil I always get in those first three weeks. I'm feeling overtired again this evening and therefore still a bit wide-eyed (it's amazing how lack of sleep really does affect me) but it's nothing a good night's sleep won't sort out and I should be completely back to normal by Wednesday.

I'm hoping that my brain doesn't find something wonderfully interesting and yet strangely pointless to occupy itself with tonight. Last night, having spent the evening reading a book about eco-houses and do-it-yourself builds, I was awake until around 3 in the morning imagining how I would build a yurt complex around a giant tree. I pondered over the idea of incorporating a double-decker bus into the scheme - it's always been a bit of a dream of mine to convert and live in a double-decker bus. I decided that I would try to include it, if at all possible, perhaps somewhere in the centre.

After spending around half an hour trying to work out the logistics of the composting toilet, I remembered that I don't actually own any land (with or without a giant tree) or a bus and am not likely to in the foreseeable future. And with that, I turned over and finally went to sleep. Still, it's good to have dreams, eh? Something to work towards - so long as the dreams don't keep me awake all night.

Oh, and France? We were in Marval, which is erm, in the middle of France somewhere. We spent a couple of days in a beautiful house with our friend's mum, which was wonderful (thanks Fred!). I ate my own bodyweight in cheese and loveliness, went to a market, bought some tea, discovered the wonders of a raclette (I've never had so much fun cooking a tiny omelette) and I saw a real-life leopard-skin horse (at first I thought it was a zebra, but instead of stripes, it had spots).

All in all, a top weekend. Great company, great surroundings, good food, no slip-ups and I even managed to stick to my new running routine when I was out there. I'm sad to see Anna once more head off for distant shores... Still, if I can just get my work stuff back on track, there's a holiday in the Maldives with my name written on it...

Fantasy Football update

My team is underperforming terribly and I am currently languishing third from bottom. I am below my gran and even Little Zoe in the rankings. The only consolation is that the good Shit Sandwich is currently bottom.

Fireworks!

Went to the annual British Firework Champtionships last week, which happens every year in Plymouth. Set over two days, it really is great fun. The six contestants are limited to 500kg of fireworks each, which means 1.5 tons of fireworks each night.

On tuesday night Helen & I went to Queen Anne's Battery and we sat in Freddie, drinking tea with my friends Mark & Sal. On wednesday night Helen & I went to Mountbatten and this time we brought our deckchairs and thermos. Although Helen took the piss out of my deckchairs (most notably the rather useful tray that lifts up on the side), I wasn't the one wrapped under the tartan blanket.

But there were some rather fantastic fireworks on display, including some I'd never seen before. My favourite was a screamer that shot up, then started to plummet before suddenly taking off again. Absolutely remarkable. I shall be posting on the blog next year's dates, as and when I know them. I would thoroughly recommend that everyone comes down to Plymouth to watch next year.

This is where they set the fireworks off.

Play it Again, Cam

Had a very eventful weekend this weekend. On Saturday I drove down to sunny Camborne, where Carrie had invited some friends over for a games night. I haven't had a games night probably since Anna left England and it was great fun. Carrie had got a large whiteboard from work and Sarah brought Pictionary & Taboo. George & I just brought our incredible wit and intellects (and crisps).


















Obviously George & I were an unstoppable pictionary team as our superior drawing skills (ahem) and ability to think laterally left Carrie & Sarah a close second. Then we moved onto Taboo, which was just as much fun. Obviously your author's superior intelligence (double ahem) and cat-like reflexes meant I won, but we were all moral victors, as a great time was had by all. I'm certain we had a better time than the alternative entertainment on offer in Camborne.












At the end of the night, I was treated to an impromptu jazz jam by Carrie and Ross with his brand new bass, before I drove on impulse to Whitsand Bay. Spent a lovely night on the cliffs, overlooking the sea.

Then back to Plymouth on Sunday morning for a 12-hour ironing marathon. I should have got sponsored.

Springfield Frolics

I have been on the Simpsons website, where you can create your own Simpsons characters, and have Simpsonized (sp?) friends, family and regular readers of the White Spirit.

(Click on the picture to enlarge)

Can you tell who is who? They are, in no particular order:

Yow Mutha; Dinky Flop; Little Zoe; Yours truly; Helen; Nicky; Miguelinho, the Shit Sandwich; Carrie; George; Anna; Sal.

Lanhyd-ROCK!

Went to my first festival of the Summer on Saturday at Lanhydrock in Cornwall. Only a one-dayer, but a truly beautiful location. Couple of local bands to start off with, highlight of which were the Wire Daisies, followed by an African band called Zambuca or something. I'm not really into African music and I swear they just played the same song 15 times.

Then came crusty rockers The Levellers, who were good for a laugh. But the highlight for me was seeing the legendary Wailers (as in Bob Marley and the...), who were simply magnificent. We were lucky with the weather and I shall certainly be going back next year.

Here are a couple of photos!

Cam-borne Again

Had a great time on Friday night. I was invited down to sunny Camborne by my friend Carrie for her friend George's birthday. As a regular reader of the Spirit, it was good to finally put a face to the name.

Once again we found ourselves in the notorious Corn Exchange night club and a great time was had by all. And as an extra bonus (for me at least), there was a techno trance party going on in their back room. Although it was slightly depressing to realise that I can't dance like a loon for several hours any more - I was knackered after about ten minutes...

But once again, we managed to convince random strangers to pole dance for us. I am always amazed at the fact that I am able to convince men of all ages to pole dance without getting beaten up. As superhero powers go, it's not what I would have chosen, but beggars can't be choosers. Here are some photos, including pictures of Phil* & Kelvin*, our random pole dancers of the night.

* Names not changed to humiliate the innocent.

George, the Birthday Girl

Sarah, who is in charge of our youth's future.

Yours truly, doing what I do best.

Carrie & her big bass man, Ross.

Random Pole Dancer Nr 1, Kelvin.

Random Pole Dance Nr 2, Phil.

I can do woodwork, me!

Fr-fr-fresh from my art exploits of last week, I've been getting into a bit of woodwork too. I made this for my friend's 30th birthday. It's a clock, made out of driftwood and slate, all of which was collected from Wembury Beach. And I stuck 3 starfish on it, because it was her 30th. The starfish were already dead before I stuck them on.

Time well spent in the company of Cretans

Just back from a week on Crete with my friend, Carrie, hence the silence on the blog front. And yes, of the six days we were there, it rained for 4 of them. Which was a bit of an arse, all things being considered, especially as the weather was probably better back home. But nevertheless, we had a great time. Only once did we get cabin fever, laughing hysterically for over an hour over a couple of quick one-liners. But Bali - where we stayed - proved to have many hidden treasures, not least the charming and quirky people we met out there. I would heartily recommend it to anyone.

But now I am back and feeling mightily refreshed. Here is a picture of the indefatigable and irrepressible Carrie - great company, despite her occasional tendency to spontaneously lactate, as the photo shows.

Off to the Good Shit Sandwich

The UK's 'entry' (insert own double entendre here).


Off to sunny Folkestone this weekend, to enjoy (abuse) the hospitality of Monsieur Merde Baguette. And it's Eurovision weekend! The UK entry is once again an embarrasment; they've tried to go for camp / funny and they're just trying waaaaaaaay too hard. We might get a few votes here and there, but we're not going to win it.

Last year's Eurovision was simply remarkable, possibly the best ever. I don't quite know how this year's Eurovision will compare. Will they try and outdo the quite insane Finnish entry, Lordi? Or will they revert back to being a (ahem) 'serious' music competition? We shall wait and see...

Although I do have to first convince Shit that it will be worth watching. I did try to convince him to have a Eurovision Party. To no avail. Am I alone in thinking that Eurovision is simply superb entertainment? Listening to Terry Wogan getting progressively more pissed... Pah! Heathens! The lot of you. My money's on Norway's Wig Wam (below)

The Saltmills Angels

Here is a pic of my friend Anna hard at work with her friends Lina & Vanessa. In the background, you can just see the sign 'Friday is Pieday', and indeed it is. Every Friday, they make the best pies I've had in ages. As well as ice cream smoothies, oh yes, that's certainly something I'll be trying when I get home.














And it's my last full day today, I'm flying home tomorrow. Where did the time go? But I've thoroughly enjoyed it, it's been great to catch up with Anna again and make sure she's alright. And she looks happier than I've seen her in ages, which is fabulous. I can report back home that everything is ok and she's got some great friends out here. It's a great life out here. You walk into any bar and you're guaranteed to see someone you know.

I've been snorkelling, kayaking and sailing. I've practiced tai chi on a moonlit beach. I've walked about 50 miles these last 2 weeks. I've been swimming with a turtle, I've seen pelicans, a couple of storks, 2 hummingbirds (which bizarrely look like flying seahorses), 2 sharks and a million lizards. I've met some great people and I've been bumped and ground by the local girls. But most of all, I've had a deeply relaxing holiday and am feeling full of beans. I just hope it's not too cold when I get back.

Happy Birthday!

Butter wouldn't melt.
















May I be the first to wish my friend Carrie a fantastic birthday. I'm not sure exactly how old she's going to be (ahem), but in her words, let's just say she's 30 + VAT. Have a good night tonight, babe, and have one on me!

Happy New Year!

Finally 2006 is over and we're into 2007. I'd like to wish all my readers a very happy new year. Here's to hoping that 2007 is a vintage year for all of you.

Smells Shit Like Little Zoe's Shorts

I refer to a recent comment by the world's funniest accountant, the extremely cleverly named Pal Pito...

.. btw I'm slowly working out who everyone is in this virtual world (eg Chez = J = SLWS, Shit=M, Liam=Prof/Farnsy, etc) and who is related to whom, eg LZ=cousin(Chez) etc... I'm half expecting to find out the Shaymus is in fact my mother... still, all adds to the fun...

I went to school with Pal, indeed he was actually head of my house. But I don't actually remember ever talking to him, except for when it was my turn to be his fag. And as I was brought up to appreciate good manners where you never talk with your mouth full, that doesn't really count.

Our brave new virtual world has so many branches but I don't think that anyone has actually seen the whole tree. Wouldn't it be fun if we could perhaps all meet up? A clashing of worlds, when blogs collide...

An absolutely 'tits' weekend

As the Mighty Shit Sandwich would say. Which means it was a good one, apparently. Shit came down to the mecca that is Plymouth and a great time was had by all. There was an awful lot of alcohol, a lot of very bad jokes (and some great ones, which I can't remember, but trust me, they were world class). Good food, good company and, as ever, there were the Sisters of Mercy.

We went to the seaside and ate a proper Cornish pasty. We went to the rather fabulous cocktail bar and then we went to the rather less fabulous Treasury bar, where we practised our 'gay' dancing and I got accosted by a grannie (again. Why is it always me?)

And then today we watched the mighty Ipswich Town stuff the budgies before he trundled back off to sunny Folkestone. A true prince amongst men, a life in the company of the shit sandwich is a life well spent indeed. May the seed of his loins be fruitful in the belly of his woman.

Parting the Bearded Clam *

* Copyright Shit Sandwich.

No, I'm not going for a '10' on the Vodafone server, this is actually about Tai Chi. Some of you may know that I've taken up Tai Chi recently and I'm currently labouring through the 8-form. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be, imagining it previously to be generally waving your hands around and saying 'Ommm' a lot.

However, that is not the problem. The problem is that every move has a Chinese name (badly translated, I expect) and some of them are really rather funny. Not least because my good lady is actually the teacher.

The first move I learnt is to 'part the wild horse's mane'. And every move has a martial application, which means that when you get good at it, you can actually use it in a fight. I can see how it would work:

Me: "If you don't watch it sonny, I'm going to part you right in the mane"
Asbo-touting Hoodie: "No! No! Not the mane!"

However, last week I was practising hard and overheard Helen teaching the more advanced 24 form:

Helen: "OK, so we go into 'cloudhands'.... Then we 'repulse the monkey'"

I have to say, I couldn't stop laughing. I just had visions of:

Monkey: "No! What are you doing with that banana? That's disgusting, I've got to EAT that..."

So I was telling this to Shit who was down this weekend, who came up with the quite brilliant title for this post. And we were discussing the martial aspect to tai chi - a little slow really for a proper fight, I expect. I had more visions of:

Me: 'I avoid the punch by 'parting the wild horses mane'... I headbutt him using 'woodpecker on amphetamines', I throw him to the floor using the 'white crane'... Then I kick him in the head while he's on the floor with 'crab going on holiday'...

And we had the idea (somehow) of tai chi for chavs, or perhaps tai chinnit. And we did come up with some great moves, including the 'running out of Primark', the 'buying your lotterys down Asdas', the 'bitchslap' and the 'driving your novas'.

I think we could be onto something.

From one extreme to another

So after a day of spectacular beauty, I then went to the other extreme and went to visit my friend Carrie in Camborne. I am of course referring to Camborne as being 'the other extreme', and not Carrie...

Camborne is a funny little place. It's deep in the heart of darkest Cornwall, and is one of Cornwall's many mining towns. World-renowned, according to their website. For what, I have no idea. Perhaps as being the punchline of a Jethro joke... But, well, Cornwall is lucky to have some of the most beautiful locations in the world. Let's just say that Camborne isn't one of them.

But I wasn't there to sight-see (luckily). I was there to PAAAAARTY! And so it was that Carrie, her friend Sarah and I decided to hit the town and moonwalk down to the Corn Exchange, which is Camborne's probably world-famous nightclub to strut our funky stuff and show those Camborne divas how it's done. And oh, did we do that.

The Camborne Siamese Twins strut their stuff








It was two quid for a double. Two quid! In a nightclub! That's my type of establishment. You can buy a round and still have change from a tenner. Amazing. Well, needless to say, with alcohol that freely available, things did get a little messy. Not only did I end up poledancing, I actually took it upon myself to convince other men to poledance too. And enough respect to the Camborne Crew, I didn't get my head stoved in; I actually managed to convince one or two do it.

If you look really carefully, you can just see the strings.







So all in all, it was one of the best nights I've had out in a long while. Yes, I had a monster hangover the next day, but damn it was worth it.