A Joke about Catholic Girls

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl:

"Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Jill, What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"

Doctor Lookeylikie

One is Doctor Evil. The other is that bloke from the Austin Powers films. Badaboom!

Doctor Who?

I must have missed this when I was away, but I've just heard that everyone's favourite poomuncher Gillian McKeith has been forced to stop using Dr. So from now on, she is only Miss Gillian McKeith. This was after a complaint was made to the Advertising Standards Authority by a member of the public, who had challenged whether the poisoned dwarf was a qualified and accredited doctor and entitled to use the term.

I must say, I do hate the woman. I feel that she is a bully, earning a fortune from the misery of fat people. And I actually read her book. What a waste of money. It was poorly written, poorly researched and full of glaring inconsistencies. For someone so obsessed with poo, she is clearly full of shit.

Man Milk or Moo Milk?

Can you tell the difference in this quiz?

Alternatively, why not try the Hacker or Spacker test... Or perhaps the Gash vs Tash quiz... Or why not guess whether the ladies are having vaginal or anal sex in the Tunnel vs Funnel Challenge?

Party Like it's 1983...

I've discovered a quite brilliant website for downloading music, www.albumbase.com. And I've spent the afternoon downloading old electro albums. I'm currently listening to Electro & Hip Hop Classics from about 1983 in the office. You just can't help doing robot dancing and lame breakdance attempts. As you can see from this photo I just got one of my colleagues to take. You never lose it completely...

The 'Smells Like White Spirit' Fantasy Festival

So you're Doctor Who (or perhaps Bill and Ted. Well, Bill or Ted. You get the drift) and you can go anywhere in time to create your ultimate fantasy festival. Who would you go for? Bear in mind you can pick who you want, when you want, so Genesis for me would be circa 1973 with Peter Gabriel as singer, for example.

Who would you choose? This is the poster for my fantasy festival... Click below to take part and maybe I'll lend you my time machine so you can set up your own...


Come to my Fantasy Festival
or create your own

A Joke about Tescos

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tescos with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says:

"Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not" replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice."

Plymouth Chav in 'Can Write Own Name' Shocker

Some absolute twat has graffiti'd my house. They've written 'Dan' right by my front door. Well done, you can write your own name. Your mother must be so proud. On the plus side, I showed my housemate Charu and she exclaimed "Oh no... Who's done that?" I had no choice but to reply "Not sure, but I suspect it was probably Dan".

What do Bored Radiology Students do to Pass the Time?

Time to Tidy Up

Hairy Pussies

Was reading my mate Kyklops recently, and he was saying that he is getting an awful lot of traffic from Google, due to some rather unfortunate text in one of his blog posts. To cut a long story short, he posted a quite innocent story about a Japanese wrestler and somehow Google extrapolated the information from the story and now anyone that types in Gay Japan or similar, is linked to his page.

I would just like to say that I would never knowingly stoop to misrepresenting the good ship White Spirit in a shallow attempt at increasing traffic. Having said that, here are some pictures of some big, fat, hairy pussies that my sister sent me.

Amateur Transplants

Adam Kay and Suman Biswas are two junior doctors who practice medicine with varying degrees of success. But more importantly, they are the masterminds that form the Amateur Transplants, the people that brought you the London Underground song.

But they have written some quite brilliant parodies, including Northern Birds and the quite magnificent Snippets, which literally had me rolling around on the floor laughing. Of particular interest to anyone working in the NHS! You can find more of their tracks on their website here.

Are we there yet?

Subliminal Messaging for Smokers

This is a painted ceiling in an office smoking room...

Football Lookeylikie

One is so scrawny a strong wind can blow it over, and would have absolutely no chance of directing a football even if it ever got onto a pitch. The other is used for advertising things outside garages.

I like to Pump it...

I have finally joined a gym, after many years of procrastinating. I've managed to stop smoking; I'm eating reasonably healthily and I'm coming up to a year of vegetablism. It's the next logical step, isn't it?

Having said that, yesterday was my first trip to the gym and I wrestled with my conscience before I went, trying to think of all manner of excuses as to why I shouldn't go. But I decided to go anyway and felt fantastic afterwards. I really must try and remember that. Although I don't want to take it to extreme. I don't want to look like this again....

When it's time to confiscate your wife's gym card...

No Reason. It just makes me laugh.

"I'm Fucking You"

Mr Tumble, the sign-language presenter on CBeebies, has been accused of signing "I'm fucking you" instead of "I'm happy to see you" when he greets children on the channel. Startled viewers have complained to the BBC, which has denied the allegation.

Apparently in the Makaton sign language, the sign for 'fucking' and 'happy' are quite similar.

Welcome!

Welcome to the All New Smells Like White Spirit. If I've done my technical jiggery pokery right, then anyone that's asked for it should be getting this post straight into their inbox. If anyone has signed up for the email Spirit and hasn't received it, then email me. If anyone would like to sign up for the email White Spirit, then drop me a line!

Ambassador, You are Spoiling Us...

Former Israeli Ambassador Tzuriel Rafael, talking to journalists, explains what he had with him and where it was rammed.










Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after he was found drunk, gagged and naked apart from bondage gear with sex toys lying nearby in the yard of his official residence. Reports say he was able to identify himself to police only after a rubber ball had been removed from his mouth.

A foreign ministry official described Ambassador Tzuriel Refael's behaviour as an unprecedented embarrassment. San Salvador was Mr Refael's first post as ambassador. Haaretz website reports that police found Mr Refael in the Israeli embassy compound where he had been found bound, gagged and naked apart from sado-masochistic sex accessories. Israel confirmed they will be sending out a new ambassador to El Salvador.

The Best Reason to Vote for Anyone Ever.

The American Secret Service have launched an investigation into one of the candidates for the presidency in 2008 – after he pledged that as President, one of his first acts would be to impale President George W. Bush.

The candidate in question is Jonathon 'The Impaler' Sharkey, and he is running as the only satanic vampire candidate in the 2008 race. Sharkey's pledge to impale President Bush, he makes clear, will only come into effect if he is actually elected to office.

But that has still triggered action by the Secret Service, who say they have a duty to investigate any threats against the president. Sharkey, 42, says that agents from the service visited him at home with his 19-year-old wife, Spree, to investigate his impaling pledge.

Sharkey told The Columbia Chronicle about the visit: "They were telling me, when they were interrogating me, that their job was to protect Bush even after he's out of office. I'm looking at them like, Oh, you're going to defy me when I become president?"

Sharkey previously ran for President in 2004, and has run for Congress several time, occasionally as a Republican.

Darrin Blackford, a spokesman for the Secret Service, disagreed that the investigation was an over-reaction: "Unfortunately, in our line of work, we can't take that chance."

But a legal expert is unsure if a case could be made against The Impaler. "Under the First Amendment, what it boils down to here is whether or not he's a vampire who wants to impale the president," said law professor Neil Richards of Washington University in St. Louis.

"I guess the question is, if he's a vampire, why is he the one staking people? Shouldn't he want to bite the president and feed on him?" added Richards, describing these questions as "perhaps further evidence that this is not a true threat."

Sharkey, meanwhile, seems unconcerned about the investigation. If anything, he feels that the Secret Service may not be taking him seriously enough.

"They never even asked to see my impaling stick" he complained.

Old Skool Joke of the Year

Q. Why did the tiger get lost?
A. Because Jungle is Massive.

Childish Giggle of the Day

Shameless Sell-out of the Decade

"I wouldn't give my princess just anything and I won't give American ladies just anything either"

The insufferable Paul Burrell on his latest job: selling bottles of wine worth £6 in the United States.

Oops! I appear to be bonkers.

Not content with shaving her head and checking in and out of rehab, crazed Britney Spears tried to hang herself with a bedsheet before pleading with her estranged husband to give her another baby. In a week of rehab madness, the bonkers beauty wrote the number of the beast, 666, on her shaved head before running round the clinic screaming "I am the Antichrist!" at frightened staff.

New & Improved White Spirit, delivered to your Inbox!

Oh yes, gentle reader, I have installed a very clever and technical thing on the website, which will email 'Smells Like White Spirit' straight to your inbox. No more will you have to check each day to see whether I've actually been bothered to write anything that day...

I will be sending out email invitations to those of you whose email addresses I already have; for those of you whose contact details I don't currently have, if you would like to receive each new serving of White Spirit in your inbox, just email me at whitespirit@chezguevara.com and I'll put you on the list.

Domain Names that weren't really thought out...

'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com.

Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com

If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com

A Joke about Blondes

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter: "Hey, Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters:

"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Beating Around the Bush Part 2

Donald Rumsfeld looks at George Bush gravely and announces:

"3 Brazilian soldiers have died in Iraq"

George looks shocked and exclaims:

"My GOD! How many million IS that exactly?"

Beating Around the Bush

A Chinese businessman has advertised on the internet for a stand-in mistress to be beaten up by his wife to vent her anger and to protect his real mistress. According to the Beijing Youth Daily, and when the woman found out her husband had a mistress, she insisted on beating her up. The businessman has posted an advertisement on a popular online jobs forum on sina.com. Apparently, more than 10 people have applied for the job. The 'successful' candidate needs to be 35 and originally from northeastern China and will be paid 3,000 yuan ($573) per 10 minutes.

The Curse of Coleman...

"We've really got to knock this sort of thing on the head" - BBC Radio Five Live commentator after the Sevilla coach was struck by a missile.

Feeling a bit of an Ass

The Happy Couple










A man who was found dressed in latex and handcuffs brought a donkey to his room in a Galway city centre hotel, because he was advised "to get out and meet people," the local court heard last week.

Thomas Aloysius McCarney was charged with cruelty to animals, lewd and obscene behaviour, and with being a danger to himself when he appeared before the court on Friday. He was also charged with damage to a mini-bar in the room, but this charge was later dropped when the defendant said that it was the donkey who caused that damage.

The Solicitor for the accused, Ms Sharon Fitzhenry, said that her client had been through a difficult time lately and that his wife had left him and that his life had become increasingly lonely.

"Mr McCarney has been attending counselling at which he was told that he would be advised to get out and meet people and do interesting things. It was this advice that saw him book into the city centre hotel with a donkey," she said. She added that Mr McCarney also suffered from a fixation with the Shrek movies and could constantly be heard at work talking to himself saying things like, "Isn't that right, Donkey?"

Goodbye to the Normals