Two nuns in a bath
One says "where's the soap?"
The other says "it's just there on the soap dish behind you"
Q. How many people from Pakistan can you fit in a mini?
A. Four. Two in the front and two in the back. Unless you have a third seat belt in the back middle, in which case it's five.
Q. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A. The Holocaust.
Q. What is ET short for?
A. Because he has little legs.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
A Joke about Cemeteries
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Why I Love Wrestling
Great, great comedy from Italian wrestler, Santino Morella. His girlfriend Maria has been offered the chance to pose nude in Playboy; Here is his response.
Race for the Presidency
I watched WWE Raw last night, where all three Presidential candidates addressed the WWE fans as to why they should be the President in November. They all used various wrestling analogies, which was 'interesting'. But the real fun was to come later on in the programme, with a wrestling match between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.
Hillary Clinton, accompanied by Bill, played Hulk Hogan and Barack Obama played 'The Rock', complete with "Can You Smell what Barack is Cooking?" It was very, very funny. And as ever, Bill stole the show with some very, very funny comments.
For those that missed it, here it is in its full glory.
Hillary Clinton, accompanied by Bill, played Hulk Hogan and Barack Obama played 'The Rock', complete with "Can You Smell what Barack is Cooking?" It was very, very funny. And as ever, Bill stole the show with some very, very funny comments.
For those that missed it, here it is in its full glory.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Bastard Thing
Having problems with Blogger at the moment - they seem to be screwing up my images and text. So this is a test post just to see if I've managed to fix it. But just to make sure it's not too boring, here's a little cartoon.
Sorry for the drop in quality, or at least the additional drop in quality. Usual poor quality will be resumed as soon as possible.
UPDATE: Have sorted out the problems, something to do with a new WYSIWYG editor they'd put in without telling me. Have gone back to the old style editor and all the problems have gone.
Sorry for the drop in quality, or at least the additional drop in quality. Usual poor quality will be resumed as soon as possible.
UPDATE: Have sorted out the problems, something to do with a new WYSIWYG editor they'd put in without telling me. Have gone back to the old style editor and all the problems have gone.
Massaging the Truth
I wrote a couple of days ago about a report, stating that the influx of Eastern European immigrants had not led to a crime wave, which had been widely predicted in the nation's media. In the post, I wondered what the Di'ly Express and the Daily Heil would write about now. I needn't have worried.
...wails the front-page headline from the ever-reticent Di'ly Express. "Immigration from Eastern Europe has led to a huge surge in crime, police chiefs will tell the Home Secretary today".
Interesting. The Express claims to have seen an advance copy of the police report, which had revealed that in fact immigration has not increased the rates of crime in Britain. In fact the Express includes in its own article quotes from the co-author of the report, Chief Constable Peter Fahy, who had said: "Migration has had a significant impact on UK communities, but while this has led to new demands on the police service, the evidence does not support theories of a large-scale crime wave generated through migration."
But hey, what the hell would the Express do with facts like that? Their 'evidence' for their claims comes in the following 'damning' passage from the report:
"EU migration has brought with it a huge surge in the exploitation of migrants and organised crime."
So hang on chaps... What you're saying is that migrants have been taken advantage of by the indiginous population? Don't you feel proud to be British? As a measure of just how shameless the Express story is, The Heil only find room for their spin on things on page 12 of their esteemed journal.
...wails the front-page headline from the ever-reticent Di'ly Express. "Immigration from Eastern Europe has led to a huge surge in crime, police chiefs will tell the Home Secretary today".
Interesting. The Express claims to have seen an advance copy of the police report, which had revealed that in fact immigration has not increased the rates of crime in Britain. In fact the Express includes in its own article quotes from the co-author of the report, Chief Constable Peter Fahy, who had said: "Migration has had a significant impact on UK communities, but while this has led to new demands on the police service, the evidence does not support theories of a large-scale crime wave generated through migration."
But hey, what the hell would the Express do with facts like that? Their 'evidence' for their claims comes in the following 'damning' passage from the report:
"EU migration has brought with it a huge surge in the exploitation of migrants and organised crime."
So hang on chaps... What you're saying is that migrants have been taken advantage of by the indiginous population? Don't you feel proud to be British? As a measure of just how shameless the Express story is, The Heil only find room for their spin on things on page 12 of their esteemed journal.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Wrestling Lookeylikey
Wrestling legend and sometime filmstar The Rock and Doncaster's own Wayne Scott. Separated at birth? No, not reeeeeeaallly...
Which makes it all the more bizarre that Mr Scott has been charged with three counts of fraud for trying to obtain goods under false pretences by pretending to be The Rock.
Apparently, he contacted Everton Football Club and tried to get free tickets to the Everton - Manchester United game. He also contacted Manchester United and tried to get them to send him free stuff too.
Incredibly, his rouse failed as neither club had probably heard of T' Rock and he is now facing a probable prison sentence.
Urban Sniper
Been getting quite addicted to a game called Urban Sniper. Basically, you play a matchstick sniper, trying to take out various criminals etc. If you do feel like you just have to kill something, why not kill a matchstick man?
Offensive Advertising
Just heard possibly the most offensive advertising I've ever heard. I was watching UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship), which features mixed martial arts bouts. It's a great mixture of thai kickboxing, jujitsu, boxing, wrestling and other martial arts.
But it's sponsored from time to time by Badger John's Hunting Stuff. And their advertising slogan on the programme is "Badger John's - because sometimes you just have to kill something".
No. I. Don't.
But it's sponsored from time to time by Badger John's Hunting Stuff. And their advertising slogan on the programme is "Badger John's - because sometimes you just have to kill something".
No. I. Don't.
The Immigration Myth
A wide-ranging police study has concluded that the surge in immigrants from eastern Europe to Britain has not fuelled a rise in crime. The study, carried out for the Association of Chief Police Officers, challenges claims that the influx of 1 million people from Eastern Europe have caused a rise in criminality.
According to the report, criminality of the Eastern European contingent is broadly in line with the rate of offending in the general population. Indeed, around 1 million people have come to the UK from Eastern Europe and the annual crime rate, as recorded by Police, has actually dropped by 9% in the year to September 2007. An extra 1 million people and crime has dropped? Doesn't sound like a crime wave to me.
It will be interesting to see how the Daily Heil will react to that. And the Di'ly Express will find it even harder - with Diana's inquest having come to an end, they are going to be gutted if they have to lose another one of their major headliners.
There is a real need to discuss immigration in this country; but I just wish it could be an intelligent discussion, as opposed to the Enoch Powell-esque vitriol that is usually poured out.
According to the report, criminality of the Eastern European contingent is broadly in line with the rate of offending in the general population. Indeed, around 1 million people have come to the UK from Eastern Europe and the annual crime rate, as recorded by Police, has actually dropped by 9% in the year to September 2007. An extra 1 million people and crime has dropped? Doesn't sound like a crime wave to me.
It will be interesting to see how the Daily Heil will react to that. And the Di'ly Express will find it even harder - with Diana's inquest having come to an end, they are going to be gutted if they have to lose another one of their major headliners.
There is a real need to discuss immigration in this country; but I just wish it could be an intelligent discussion, as opposed to the Enoch Powell-esque vitriol that is usually poured out.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Honestly, this country...
A teenager was greeted by a display cabinet instead of a taxi because her 'Ali G-style' slang confused a series of phone operators. The girl hurriedly dialled directory inquiries to book a taxi from her home in London to Bristol airport, using the cockney rhyming slang Joe Baxi. But the operator told her they were unable to find anyone by that name. Seething, the youngster snapped back: "It ain't a person, it's a cab, innit."
The operator duly gave her what she asked for and put her through to the nearest supplier of cabinets, Displaysense.
"Look love, how hard is it?" she fumed. "All I want is your cheapest cab, innit. I need it for 10am. How much is it?"
The sales adviser told her £180. The tantrum-throwing teenager quickly left her address details before ringing off. The next morning, rather than being picked up by a cab, the young woman had the cabinet dropped off.
Marketing manager Steve Whittle said yesterday: "We thought it was a joke at first but the girl was absolutely livid. We have suggested that maybe she should speak a bit clearer on the phone."
The operator duly gave her what she asked for and put her through to the nearest supplier of cabinets, Displaysense.
"Look love, how hard is it?" she fumed. "All I want is your cheapest cab, innit. I need it for 10am. How much is it?"
The sales adviser told her £180. The tantrum-throwing teenager quickly left her address details before ringing off. The next morning, rather than being picked up by a cab, the young woman had the cabinet dropped off.
Marketing manager Steve Whittle said yesterday: "We thought it was a joke at first but the girl was absolutely livid. We have suggested that maybe she should speak a bit clearer on the phone."
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Shocking State of Affairs
West Yorkshire Police have been questioning Shannon Matthews' mum. Not about why Shannon disappeared, but on how she got 5 different men to sleep with her.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Last word on Scotland
I took around 500 pictures when I was in Scotland, and if you'd like to see them, I have created some photo albums in Facebook. I'm not sure, but I think if you follow this link to Facebook (and log in), you should be able to see the photos. And if you haven't already, then add me as a friend!
A Scottish Adventure
Just got back from my tour of Scotland and what an excellent time I had. 5,000 kilometres in seven days and it was simply magnificent. On my way up to Scotland, I decided to have a look at the Lake District, which was very pretty. But nothing in comparison to the beauty of Scotland.
I started off at Loch Lomond, which was very pretty indeed. Drove across to Oban and up to Fort William, taking in Ben Nevis on the way. I took in the snow-capped mountains at Glencoe, which were simply staggering. Then across to Loch Ness. Had a look around the Cairngorm mountains, and then took the magnificent road from Fort Augustus to Skye.
At this point, half my exhaust fell off, but Rudy was still driving well (allbeit now sounding rather disconcertedly like a Vauxhall Nova). Had a look around Skye, then took the Wester Ross trail from Lochcarron to Applecross, which was simply stunning. I carried on along the West Highland coast til I picked up the wonderfully fantastic John O'Groats coastal road. Then down the east coast to Inverness, followed by some random zig zagging, to make sure I hadn't missed anything.
Finally, decided to take the scenic route home rather than the motorway, so I came home through Northumberland and the Yorkshire Dales, which were both covered in snow.
A truly fantastic holiday, quite simply the most beautiful place I've ever seen. The southern highlands have got the most beautiful mountains, lochs and trees. The Western highlands are barren and yet awe-inspiring. The north is greener, with beautiful coastlines and beaches. The east is a bit like Cornwall, big seas and green coastlines.
And there was hardly anyone there. A lot of the roads are single track roads, although very well maintained and quite often, I wouldn't see another car for hours. I would definitely recommend it to anyone. I thought I was lucky living in Devon with Cornwall on my doorstep, but the Scottish Highlands are simply magnificent. I will certainly be going back as soon as I can. Photos and videos to follow!
I started off at Loch Lomond, which was very pretty indeed. Drove across to Oban and up to Fort William, taking in Ben Nevis on the way. I took in the snow-capped mountains at Glencoe, which were simply staggering. Then across to Loch Ness. Had a look around the Cairngorm mountains, and then took the magnificent road from Fort Augustus to Skye.
At this point, half my exhaust fell off, but Rudy was still driving well (allbeit now sounding rather disconcertedly like a Vauxhall Nova). Had a look around Skye, then took the Wester Ross trail from Lochcarron to Applecross, which was simply stunning. I carried on along the West Highland coast til I picked up the wonderfully fantastic John O'Groats coastal road. Then down the east coast to Inverness, followed by some random zig zagging, to make sure I hadn't missed anything.
Finally, decided to take the scenic route home rather than the motorway, so I came home through Northumberland and the Yorkshire Dales, which were both covered in snow.
A truly fantastic holiday, quite simply the most beautiful place I've ever seen. The southern highlands have got the most beautiful mountains, lochs and trees. The Western highlands are barren and yet awe-inspiring. The north is greener, with beautiful coastlines and beaches. The east is a bit like Cornwall, big seas and green coastlines.
And there was hardly anyone there. A lot of the roads are single track roads, although very well maintained and quite often, I wouldn't see another car for hours. I would definitely recommend it to anyone. I thought I was lucky living in Devon with Cornwall on my doorstep, but the Scottish Highlands are simply magnificent. I will certainly be going back as soon as I can. Photos and videos to follow!
Sunday, April 06, 2008
My new van
May I introduce you to my new van. In keeping with Japanese naming traditions, it's called a Toyota Master Ace Surf. I was terribly sad to see the back of Fredzilla; And I've done what any self-respecting man would do after a split from a loved one, I've replaced him with a younger and more mobile model.
Rudy at Loch Ness.
Rudy at Skerray Harbour.
He goes by many names; There are some who call him the Silver Surfer. There are some who call him Ace Adventurer. There are some who call him simply Rocky. There are some who call him Tintin, the Hustle from Brussels. There are some who call him Ka'ahele, God of Travel. There are some who call him Camp David. But you can call him... Rudy.*
* For those of you that don't know, Rudy is a character from The Mighty Boosh, a High Priest of the Psyechedelic Monks. His full name is Rudy Van Disarzio, or Rudy Van Di Stasi as my van shall be known.
Rudy at Loch Ness. 
Rudy at Skerray Harbour.He goes by many names; There are some who call him the Silver Surfer. There are some who call him Ace Adventurer. There are some who call him simply Rocky. There are some who call him Tintin, the Hustle from Brussels. There are some who call him Ka'ahele, God of Travel. There are some who call him Camp David. But you can call him... Rudy.*
* For those of you that don't know, Rudy is a character from The Mighty Boosh, a High Priest of the Psyechedelic Monks. His full name is Rudy Van Disarzio, or Rudy Van Di Stasi as my van shall be known.
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