David Cameron Exposed

Great video from Armando Ianucci's Time Trumpet in 2006. For those that don't know, Time Trumpet is set in about 2030, nostalgically looking back at what happened in the distant past (our present). If you're getting this on email and want to watch the video, click here.

Standoff between David Cameron & Gordon Brown

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David Cameron presents a New Vision for Britain...

Frankly hilarious. Whoever made this is an utter genius.



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Raging Against the Machine

Those that know me well will know that I am an avid follower of politics. However, it is a bittersweet relationship, because it is also so inherently unfair and makes me so utterly cross. Let me explain.

I believe that voting in an election is a tremendously important thing to do. I believe that it should really matter. I believe that it is something that should be contemplated in depth. Voting should not be like supporting a football team, your allegiances can change as the parties themselves change.

However, I also know that this is an idealist, yet sadly irrelevant view of our democracy. Because of the electoral system that we have, the vast majority of people's votes are deemed worthless. Let's look at my own constituency, Plymouth Sutton.

Results at 2005 General Election:
Labour: 15,497
Conservative: 11,388
Lib Dem: 8,685
UKIP: 2,392
Socialist Labour: 230
Total votes: 38,192.

Labour won the seat, but this means that 22,695 voters may as well have not bothered - their vote simply won't count because they didn't vote for the winning party. Those people are therefore unrepresented in the House of Commons, and that's 7,000 more people than ARE represented by the winning party. How can that be fair or even democratic?

So now we have 2010. I'm going to vote Lib Dem, but it would need a pretty big swing from the figures in 2009 for the Lib Dems to realistically win the seat. So should I vote tactically? But that would actually mean voting for someone that I DON'T want to win, to stop someone else getting in. In which dimension is it a good thing to be forced to vote for someone you don't want?

But at least in my constituency, they're in with a chance. There are plenty of constituencies with huge majorities for one party, where you may as well not bother voting if you don't support that ruling party.

No wonder there is such apathy in the nation when it comes to politics - everyone just knows that deep down, voting really doesn't matter that much. And that's it, I guess. I WANT to believe that voting is important. I TELL people that they should get out and vote. But deep down, I know that apart from in a few closely-fought seats, you might as well not bother.

This election, Nick Clegg of the Lib Dems is really enjoying a wave of popularity. Why? Because the nation wants Gordon Brown to get out, but doesn't particularly want the Tories in. And for the first time in quite a while, there does seem to be a valid third way, a way that isn't better the devil you know or the devil itself.

But he won't get in. We all KNOW that. Even if he were to ride a Barack Obama-esque wave of popularity, he still wouldn't get in. Not least because we're all told so often that the Lib Dems are irrelevant, that they'll never be in power, that it's a wasted vote. People may flirt with the Lib Dems but in the end, they'll vote for one of the two because they know that real change isn't actually possible.

And talking of the media... Well, we all know that the papers are split into two main camps - those that are supporting the Tories (Sun, Star, Times, Mail, Express, Telegraph) and those that are supportive of Labour (Mirror, Guardian, Independent). The Indy & Grauniad are sympathetic to the Lib Dems, but they're always going to be reluctant to desert Labour.

This means that the Lib Dems are doing what they're doing without any mainstream support. In fact, now that they are being perceived as a threat to Cameron's Conservative revival, the right-wing press has Nick Clegg firmly in their sights. Here's a selection of today's Front Pages:

- The Times: Cameron: Hung Parliament will risk Economic Disaster
- The Sun: Wobble Democrat
- Di'ly Express: Nick Clegg's Crazy Immigration Policy
- Daily Heil: Clegg in Nazi Slur on Britain
- The Torygraph: Nick Clegg, the Lib Dem donors and payments into his private bank account

Only the Independent (Clegg Raises the Stakes) offers anything pro-Clegg on its front page. The Guardian and Mirror don't even mention him.

Nazi slurs, immigration wobbles, expense scandals... Grasping at straws, no doubt, but on the eve of the second leader debate, it is timely to say the least.

So the poor Lib Dems... Labour has boundary reform in their favour (which means that they could actually come 3rd in terms of the popular vote, but still win a Commons majority), the Tories have most of the press... And the Lib Dems stand alone. However, I do believe that this year could be different. I don't believe for a second that the Lib Dems will get in. However, I do think there is a real chance that there could be a hung parliament. And with a hung parliament, the Lib Dems will insist on REAL voting reform.

Forget the fearmongering, real voting reform is EXACTLY what this country needs. I want to live in a country where my vote does matter and real change is possible. We live in a country where we got Rage Against the Machine to Number 1 as a protest against Shit-Factor or Britain Must Be Stopped or whatever it was. Half a million people gave enough of a shit against Simon Cowell to get off their arses and do something. I would love it if people felt the same about who is running the country. And for that, you have to feel included, you have to feel that your vote counts.

Did the Earth move for you?

I'm moving to Iran. According to Hojjat ol-eslam Kazem Sediqi (the acting Friday prayer leader in Tehran), promiscuous women are actually causing earthquakes. Clearly these degenerate woman and their richter-scale lovemaking are seriously worth knowing. In the biblical sense.

There's a great quote in the article:

"Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes," he explained.

I don't think I've ever read one sentence with so many non-sequiturs in it. Firstly, there is the obvious implication that we men are powerless to resist the fiery biscuits of these strumpets.

However, I love the casual 'which increases earthquakes' as if it's a scientific causal effect. Well, I think that Dave Cameron is a slippery little shit and just the thought of him being in power makes volcanoes in Iceland go off. And I'm fairly certain that Simon Cowell is individually responsible for global warming. The bastard.

The Van with No Name

Still trying to think of a good name for my van. Started off with Dubya, which didn't really stick. Then, when it turned out that the turbo wastegate wasn't broken and all it needed was a good throttle, I decided on Kristian Stranglewank. However, that does sound a bit like something from Salad Fingers and is perhaps not in the best taste.

I've now finished doing it up (with a lot of help from my folks, thanks!) and it's ready. I've put in a sofa bed, kitchenette sink & hob, new lino, curtains, material around the walls and on the outside, I've sprayed out all the scratches. It doesn't look showroom smart, but it looks pretty damn good to me. I'm hoping that as I spend more time with it, a name will be forthcoming. It took something like six months or so to come up with Fredzilla.

Anyhow, here are some pics of what I've done. Enjoy!

Who has Dave been talking to?

Click here to find out just who Dave has been talking to.

"Last week, I met a wheelchair-bound burglar, who told me that the underclass makes them want to leave the country if the Conservatives don't win."

"Last week, I met a sort of family, who told me that paedophiles drink white cider on the street and start fights."

"Last week, I met an Afghan reformed paedophile, who told me that David Milliband was no substitute for a proper married relationship."

"Last week, I met an Afghan burglar, who told me that Hadley Freeman raped the next door's beagle."

"Last week, I met a Northern seaman, who told me that climate change hysteria set fire to a bag of kittens."

I'm not saying I have a large penis. But I am implying it

Just back from a fun weekend spent with my family in Ipswich - culminating in a visit to the O2 Arena to watch the WWE wrestling. Now, I actually quite like wrestling. Watching it, I mean. So I was so excited when we got the tickets, I told everyone that I would only go if we went in fancy dress.

I decided to rework an old favourite, so my character was Giant Mansacks. Seemed like such a good idea at the time, until my sister (who's been before) told me that NO ONE else dresses up and they all take it VERY seriously.

On the night, both me and my nephew Jake got dressed up and I was slightly worried that our irreverent costumes might annoy a few people... But I needn't have worried. Aside from a few embarrassed parents trying not to explain to their 6-year old children what 'mansacks' were, most people took it in good spirit. And the guest presenter was David Hasselhoff!

So, here are some choice photos of the night.

Three is the Magic Number

Today is a very special day. Today is the 3 month anniversary of when I stopped smoking for the very last time. There are certain important milestones when you stop smoking, but none are so important as the three month mark. Because when you hit three months, you know you've really cracked it. In fact, it's such a good sign, I only realised it was three months today by complete accident.

Don't get me wrong, I do still think about it VERY occasionally. Every now and then I get the slightest of cravings... Actually, it's not so much a craving, it's more like a memory of something I used to do. It's a bit like bumping into an old girlfriend who broke your heart ten years ago - the pain is totally gone and forgotten, but the memory of it can still make you contemplative for a minute or two.

However, there is absolutely no question whatsoever of me ever smoking again, and that's a wonderful feeling. I have battled to reach this point for some considerable time, so I'm going to enjoy this moment.

I understand that there's no such thing as just one cigarette, no matter what. I can never 'just this once' take the risk. And for the first time ever, I really appreciate and accept that. But perhaps more importantly, I don't feel that I'm being denied anything, I don't feel that I'm missing out. Whether I'm having a good day or a bad one, smoking is just no longer inside my thought process.

I guess I no longer define myself by whether I smoke or not - I'm not a recovering ex-smoker, I'm a confirmed non-smoker. And I have to say, that feels pretty bloody good. I just wish I'd reached this point years ago!

The Gordfather

The other Gordon Brown election posters from the Guardian.

April Fooooool!

Usual bunch of prank stories in today's papers for April Fool's Day. But one that made me laugh quite a lot was in the Guardian. The story suggested that Labour was responding to the Tories' negative campaign with a poster campaign of their own. In short, Labour had decided to capitalize on Gordon Brown's unlikeable persona by portraying him as a hard man bully boy:












But what makes this story really funny is that some people really fell for it.