Tiny Things...

I LOVE the new Facebook profile. It means I can do things like this...

Festive

Another Prick in Whitehall

Click here to view the video in full.

My Racing Snails

My racing snail wasn't winning races anymore. So I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work. If anything it just made him more sluggish.

A Beautiful Song about a Mermaid

To view this video from email, click here

Joke about Growing Up

When I was a kid, people used to cover me in cream and put cherries on my head. It was tough growing up in the gateau.

Take a Weird Break

If you aren't already familiar with the spectacularly brilliant website Take a Weird Break, you should be. It's a very funny look at some of the more surreal headlines that appear on those true story mags. Well worth a look.

And here's one I found a few days ago. I can't remember which mag it was in and I have no idea what made her panic to such a degree. I particularly love the tagline - "what was I thinking?"

I imagine the Police knocking on the door and the woman thinking "Oh no, it's the Police! Quick! Cut my tits off!" and then slapping herself on the forehead afterwards. It's a schoolboy error, the girl's got to be disappointed with that.

If I see any more, I will post them here.

A much better Crappy Obviously (not)self-penned Joke

From my friend Rachel.

Q. What do you call a very grumpy man who's been kicked in the balls?
A. Testy

Crappy Obviously Self-Penned Jokes

Inspired by the mighty Tafkass and his Very Poor crappy and obviously self-penned jokes, and my Uncle Stephen's self-proclaimed Facebook grumpiness (His status: Q. What do you call a grumpy cow? A. Moo-dy), I have two COSPJ's of my own.

Q. What's the grumpiest day in France?
A. Mardi

Q. What do you call a grumpy dwarf?
A. Tetchy

Ithangyew.

It's a Small(-minded) World after all

This is a letter published in yesterday's Daily Heil. Unbelievable - not so much the underlying racism which is to be expected from a Daily Heil reader - more that they actually chose to publish it. Isn't it lovely to see, at a time when the world comes together?

Inappropriate Company Name of the Century

From Football 365's Mediawatch

The following press release came to Mediawatch's attention on Thursday:

'"World of Goals" launches a new website and football index to establish and measure the performance of football players, one day before the start of World Cup 2010! Performance and fitness stats of all participating football players will be tracked and can be found on World of Goals website.'

All very nice, until you start abbreviating things...

'The WoG Index uses an algorithm...'

Whoa whoa whoa. On the eve of the first World Cup to be held in Africa, hosted by a country who in the relatively recent past employed a system of government that divided its citizens based on the colour of their skin, a ratings system called the 'WoG Index' has been launched?

A PR success, don't you think?

An Exmoor Adventure

Had my first adventure of the Summer in Conan, my trustee VW Transporter. I decided to have a look around the North Devon coast. And I have to say, what I discovered absolutely blew me away. Dartmoor was pretty, but Exmoor was simply spectacular. I stayed the night in Selworthy, a secret hidden road just by Minehead. Bizarrely, I drove past a man on his own, playing the bagpipes.

The next morning, I went further into Exmoor. And there were so many fantastic things to see... However, my personal favourite was the Valley of the Rocks (which is a fantastic name in itself). It is, without a doubt, the most beautiful place I've ever seen in England. And, there's a car park... where you can stay overnight for just £5 or £16 for the WHOLE week. That's where my next holiday's going to be!

Here are some photos. They do not do any of the places I've seen justice.

Reasons Not to Listen to your Mother #2156

I have a skin tag on my neck, which looks a bit like a mole and my mother has been going on at me for months to let her freeze it off. Finally, last weekend, I consented and allowed her to attempt to freeze it off. And the result is, I now still have a skin tag - it just no longer looks like a mole. Now it looks like a very small erect penis. On my neck. Thanks. for. that.

The Mascot Nightmares Begin

MILLIONS of children are waking up this morning drenched in sweat and urine following the unveiling of the London 2012 Olympic mascots.

They smell of whisky and feast on tongues



















Wenlock and Mandeville were greeted with a chorus of blood-curdling screams as onlookers trampled each other in a desperate bid to escape.

Meanwhile London mayor Boris Johnson insisted the mascots encapsulated the spirit of the city before kneeling down in front of them and begging for his life.

Emma Bishop, a mother of two from Finsbury Park, said: "The names sound like a pair of prostitute-murdering opium addicts from the 1880s and they look like the Tellytubbies' abusive uncles.

"What we've got here is two giant, damaged teeth, each with a massive, psychotic eye and razor sharp claws. And the blue one seems to using bright, friendly colours to draw attention to his genital area.

"So these things - designed specifically for children - are basically lobster-clawed pervert monsters that remind them of the dentist. Bravo."

Helen Archer, a mother of three from Hatfield, said: "So the next time my five year-old loses a tooth and I tell him to put it under his pillow for the tooth fairy he will scream in terror and tell me it will grow into Wenlock and eat his head like it was a Malteser.

"I honestly can't believe I'm saying this, but Adrian Chiles is no longer the most disturbing thing to appear on The One Show."

Cowering behind the television with a jumper over his head, Archer's seven year-old son Jake added: "Leave me be Mr Mandeville. I'll be a good boy, I promise I will."

The mascots were developed by the sinisterly-named children's author Michael Morpurgo who conducted focus groups across the country to boil down childhood terror to its elemental form.

He said: "We initially thought of using those silent, floating zombies from Buffy The Vampire Slayer but Wenlock and Mandeville have the added bonus of looking like they could suddenly appear inside a pencil case or at the bottom of a Happy Meal."

From The Daily Mash

That's alright then.

In political news, I see that Labour backbencher Jon Cruddas has ruled himself out of the leadership race. On the same premise, I'd like to point out that after serious consideration, I am also not interested in entering into a relationship with Cheryl Cole.

We both agree she's a horribly violent racist who looks like a very realistic sex doll.

Spam is getting increasingly more surreal

I want to be a Scientist

The Dark Side of the Force

When Dave Met Nick...

On a lighter note, if you'd like to read a, ahem, different account of Dave & Nick's love-in, you might want to read this.

Summary: According to the BBC News, Clegg and Cameron gave everyone the slip on Saturday - using decoy cars and having aides tell the press they were "going home" - in order to have a private meeting, 'just the two of them.' The BBC then went on to remark on the 'personal chemistry' between the two men. What follows is the natural consequence of this story. I have serious thoughts on the UK election. This is not them. This is a work of pure fiction. I'm sure the reality was much hotter.

Click here for When Dave Met Nick.

(Warning - not suitable for under 18. Does contain quite a lot of gay sex).

Welcome to ConDemNation

It's a little-known fact that I live my life by a moral code I like to call "What would Aragorn do?" For those that don't know, Aragorn is one of the characters in Lord of the Rings. Yes, I know he isn't real. Stop laughing. Lord of the Rings harks back to an era when honour and principles actually meant something.

So imagine if you will, the Lord of the Rings. The threat of the dark lord Sauron is evergrowing and the whole of Middle Earth stands in the shadow of Mordor... The battles are ferocious, there are losses on both sides. And then, right at the end, at the black gates of Mordor, Aragorn decides "actually, there's not that much difference between us and Sauron. We could probably work something out". They're later seen chatting and joking together, without a care in the world. Can you imagine how Frodo would feel?

And that's kind of how I feel about Nick Clegg leaping into bed with the Tories.

In the run up to the election, it wasn't easy to know who to vote for. I felt that Labour had lost their way somewhat and the country needed freshening up. However, at the same time, I knew I didn't want the Tories in. So voting for the Lib Dems seemed to make the most sense, with the hope of a Lib / Lab hung parliament that could bring about real change.

So I ended up voting Lib Dem - and in my constituency, the increased Lib Dem vote watered down the ruling Labour vote, and the Tories took full advantage and won the seat.

If I had known that the Lib Dems were going to jump into bed with the Tories, I'd have never voted for them. In fact, there's a real chance I'll never vote for them again. How many Lib Dem activists must be be recoiling in utter horror at what's transpired? THEIR party has let the Tories in? I know for one - if I'd have given up my time to canvass for them (and I did seriously consider it), I'd be furious now.

To be quite honest - I want my vote back.

One last word - Nick Clegg is playing an unbelievably dangerous strategy. Yes, I understand that Labour weren't really interested in forming a coalition. Yes, I know that the Lib Dems may soften the Tories' darker side. I even get the fact that principles without power (the default position of the Lib Dems since the 20s) is eventually pointless.

However, the Lib Dems picked up an awful lot of disillusioned ex-Blairite Labour supporters in the past election. By throwing his hand in with the Tories, all Clegg has succeeded in doing is sending those voters back to Labour in their droves.

Nick Clegg may be a man of principles. And he will get experience of government, plus the chance to actually implement the changes to this country he so clearly believes in. However, it remains to be seen how many of his supporters will feel disillusioned, lied to and utterly betrayed. I personally would never have voted Lib Dem if I'd have known that they'd end up backing the enemy. I suspect short-term power may well lead to a longer-term backlash. And for those of us that are old enough to remember the election of 1997 - the Tories know all too well what happens when the electorate feels betrayed.

I think Nick Clegg's only chance is for this parliament to run the full 5 years and hope that we've all forgotten by then. I think that a snap re-election would see a very different outcome.

Political Lookeylikey

I give you Data Cameron, from Star Trek.

"Raise Your Left Leg... Ahaa! I didn't say Simon Says!"

David Cameron Exposed

Great video from Armando Ianucci's Time Trumpet in 2006. For those that don't know, Time Trumpet is set in about 2030, nostalgically looking back at what happened in the distant past (our present). If you're getting this on email and want to watch the video, click here.

Standoff between David Cameron & Gordon Brown

Click here to watch the video

David Cameron presents a New Vision for Britain...

Frankly hilarious. Whoever made this is an utter genius.



If you're reading this via the email link, click here to watch the video.

Raging Against the Machine

Those that know me well will know that I am an avid follower of politics. However, it is a bittersweet relationship, because it is also so inherently unfair and makes me so utterly cross. Let me explain.

I believe that voting in an election is a tremendously important thing to do. I believe that it should really matter. I believe that it is something that should be contemplated in depth. Voting should not be like supporting a football team, your allegiances can change as the parties themselves change.

However, I also know that this is an idealist, yet sadly irrelevant view of our democracy. Because of the electoral system that we have, the vast majority of people's votes are deemed worthless. Let's look at my own constituency, Plymouth Sutton.

Results at 2005 General Election:
Labour: 15,497
Conservative: 11,388
Lib Dem: 8,685
UKIP: 2,392
Socialist Labour: 230
Total votes: 38,192.

Labour won the seat, but this means that 22,695 voters may as well have not bothered - their vote simply won't count because they didn't vote for the winning party. Those people are therefore unrepresented in the House of Commons, and that's 7,000 more people than ARE represented by the winning party. How can that be fair or even democratic?

So now we have 2010. I'm going to vote Lib Dem, but it would need a pretty big swing from the figures in 2009 for the Lib Dems to realistically win the seat. So should I vote tactically? But that would actually mean voting for someone that I DON'T want to win, to stop someone else getting in. In which dimension is it a good thing to be forced to vote for someone you don't want?

But at least in my constituency, they're in with a chance. There are plenty of constituencies with huge majorities for one party, where you may as well not bother voting if you don't support that ruling party.

No wonder there is such apathy in the nation when it comes to politics - everyone just knows that deep down, voting really doesn't matter that much. And that's it, I guess. I WANT to believe that voting is important. I TELL people that they should get out and vote. But deep down, I know that apart from in a few closely-fought seats, you might as well not bother.

This election, Nick Clegg of the Lib Dems is really enjoying a wave of popularity. Why? Because the nation wants Gordon Brown to get out, but doesn't particularly want the Tories in. And for the first time in quite a while, there does seem to be a valid third way, a way that isn't better the devil you know or the devil itself.

But he won't get in. We all KNOW that. Even if he were to ride a Barack Obama-esque wave of popularity, he still wouldn't get in. Not least because we're all told so often that the Lib Dems are irrelevant, that they'll never be in power, that it's a wasted vote. People may flirt with the Lib Dems but in the end, they'll vote for one of the two because they know that real change isn't actually possible.

And talking of the media... Well, we all know that the papers are split into two main camps - those that are supporting the Tories (Sun, Star, Times, Mail, Express, Telegraph) and those that are supportive of Labour (Mirror, Guardian, Independent). The Indy & Grauniad are sympathetic to the Lib Dems, but they're always going to be reluctant to desert Labour.

This means that the Lib Dems are doing what they're doing without any mainstream support. In fact, now that they are being perceived as a threat to Cameron's Conservative revival, the right-wing press has Nick Clegg firmly in their sights. Here's a selection of today's Front Pages:

- The Times: Cameron: Hung Parliament will risk Economic Disaster
- The Sun: Wobble Democrat
- Di'ly Express: Nick Clegg's Crazy Immigration Policy
- Daily Heil: Clegg in Nazi Slur on Britain
- The Torygraph: Nick Clegg, the Lib Dem donors and payments into his private bank account

Only the Independent (Clegg Raises the Stakes) offers anything pro-Clegg on its front page. The Guardian and Mirror don't even mention him.

Nazi slurs, immigration wobbles, expense scandals... Grasping at straws, no doubt, but on the eve of the second leader debate, it is timely to say the least.

So the poor Lib Dems... Labour has boundary reform in their favour (which means that they could actually come 3rd in terms of the popular vote, but still win a Commons majority), the Tories have most of the press... And the Lib Dems stand alone. However, I do believe that this year could be different. I don't believe for a second that the Lib Dems will get in. However, I do think there is a real chance that there could be a hung parliament. And with a hung parliament, the Lib Dems will insist on REAL voting reform.

Forget the fearmongering, real voting reform is EXACTLY what this country needs. I want to live in a country where my vote does matter and real change is possible. We live in a country where we got Rage Against the Machine to Number 1 as a protest against Shit-Factor or Britain Must Be Stopped or whatever it was. Half a million people gave enough of a shit against Simon Cowell to get off their arses and do something. I would love it if people felt the same about who is running the country. And for that, you have to feel included, you have to feel that your vote counts.

Did the Earth move for you?

I'm moving to Iran. According to Hojjat ol-eslam Kazem Sediqi (the acting Friday prayer leader in Tehran), promiscuous women are actually causing earthquakes. Clearly these degenerate woman and their richter-scale lovemaking are seriously worth knowing. In the biblical sense.

There's a great quote in the article:

"Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes," he explained.

I don't think I've ever read one sentence with so many non-sequiturs in it. Firstly, there is the obvious implication that we men are powerless to resist the fiery biscuits of these strumpets.

However, I love the casual 'which increases earthquakes' as if it's a scientific causal effect. Well, I think that Dave Cameron is a slippery little shit and just the thought of him being in power makes volcanoes in Iceland go off. And I'm fairly certain that Simon Cowell is individually responsible for global warming. The bastard.

The Van with No Name

Still trying to think of a good name for my van. Started off with Dubya, which didn't really stick. Then, when it turned out that the turbo wastegate wasn't broken and all it needed was a good throttle, I decided on Kristian Stranglewank. However, that does sound a bit like something from Salad Fingers and is perhaps not in the best taste.

I've now finished doing it up (with a lot of help from my folks, thanks!) and it's ready. I've put in a sofa bed, kitchenette sink & hob, new lino, curtains, material around the walls and on the outside, I've sprayed out all the scratches. It doesn't look showroom smart, but it looks pretty damn good to me. I'm hoping that as I spend more time with it, a name will be forthcoming. It took something like six months or so to come up with Fredzilla.

Anyhow, here are some pics of what I've done. Enjoy!

Who has Dave been talking to?

Click here to find out just who Dave has been talking to.

"Last week, I met a wheelchair-bound burglar, who told me that the underclass makes them want to leave the country if the Conservatives don't win."

"Last week, I met a sort of family, who told me that paedophiles drink white cider on the street and start fights."

"Last week, I met an Afghan reformed paedophile, who told me that David Milliband was no substitute for a proper married relationship."

"Last week, I met an Afghan burglar, who told me that Hadley Freeman raped the next door's beagle."

"Last week, I met a Northern seaman, who told me that climate change hysteria set fire to a bag of kittens."

I'm not saying I have a large penis. But I am implying it

Just back from a fun weekend spent with my family in Ipswich - culminating in a visit to the O2 Arena to watch the WWE wrestling. Now, I actually quite like wrestling. Watching it, I mean. So I was so excited when we got the tickets, I told everyone that I would only go if we went in fancy dress.

I decided to rework an old favourite, so my character was Giant Mansacks. Seemed like such a good idea at the time, until my sister (who's been before) told me that NO ONE else dresses up and they all take it VERY seriously.

On the night, both me and my nephew Jake got dressed up and I was slightly worried that our irreverent costumes might annoy a few people... But I needn't have worried. Aside from a few embarrassed parents trying not to explain to their 6-year old children what 'mansacks' were, most people took it in good spirit. And the guest presenter was David Hasselhoff!

So, here are some choice photos of the night.

Three is the Magic Number

Today is a very special day. Today is the 3 month anniversary of when I stopped smoking for the very last time. There are certain important milestones when you stop smoking, but none are so important as the three month mark. Because when you hit three months, you know you've really cracked it. In fact, it's such a good sign, I only realised it was three months today by complete accident.

Don't get me wrong, I do still think about it VERY occasionally. Every now and then I get the slightest of cravings... Actually, it's not so much a craving, it's more like a memory of something I used to do. It's a bit like bumping into an old girlfriend who broke your heart ten years ago - the pain is totally gone and forgotten, but the memory of it can still make you contemplative for a minute or two.

However, there is absolutely no question whatsoever of me ever smoking again, and that's a wonderful feeling. I have battled to reach this point for some considerable time, so I'm going to enjoy this moment.

I understand that there's no such thing as just one cigarette, no matter what. I can never 'just this once' take the risk. And for the first time ever, I really appreciate and accept that. But perhaps more importantly, I don't feel that I'm being denied anything, I don't feel that I'm missing out. Whether I'm having a good day or a bad one, smoking is just no longer inside my thought process.

I guess I no longer define myself by whether I smoke or not - I'm not a recovering ex-smoker, I'm a confirmed non-smoker. And I have to say, that feels pretty bloody good. I just wish I'd reached this point years ago!

The Gordfather

The other Gordon Brown election posters from the Guardian.

April Fooooool!

Usual bunch of prank stories in today's papers for April Fool's Day. But one that made me laugh quite a lot was in the Guardian. The story suggested that Labour was responding to the Tories' negative campaign with a poster campaign of their own. In short, Labour had decided to capitalize on Gordon Brown's unlikeable persona by portraying him as a hard man bully boy:












But what makes this story really funny is that some people really fell for it.

The Daily Mail Song

Child's Guide to Modern Britain

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggie a bone,
When she got there the cupboard was bare because she had spent 13 years creating public sector non-jobs for people with worthless degrees. So the poor little doggie shat in her bed.

There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse
And they all lived together in a little crooked house that he bought with a secret loan from a millionaire chum that he didn't declare to his mortgage lender because he's a sleazy prick who thinks he's better than you.

Old King Cole was a merry old soul and a merry old soul was he; He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl but he only got his bowl because some bullshit statistics showed that if he smoked his pipe then at least two of his fiddlers would die of cancer.

As I was going to St. Ives
I met a man with seven wives,
They were all sitting on the platform at Bristol Temple Meads and had been there for about three hours because the rail system in this country is a pile of fucking shit.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses, And all the King's men
Did not have enough helicopters to put Humpty together again and anyway it's a waste of time because it is a vicious tribal dispute that will continue long after we have been forced to withdraw.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
And this little piggy flipped his London flat and his constituency home eight times and used your money to pay for a new conservatory, a massive telly and a vibrating chair and then tried to stop you finding out about it,
All the way home.

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
By the way, the chief medical officer says that amount of treacle is really bad for you and that excessive treacle eating is costing this country £14bn a day in lost productivity and exploding children.

Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, but it will cost you £1.20 a bag because of the government's latest hike in wool duty and the fact that sterling is now worth less than the Albanian Lek.

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain.
He would have stepped in a puddle
Right up to his middle
But luckily he was a GP so was driving one of his Range Rovers to the golf course while his receptionist referred all his patients to the local chemist.

One, two buckle my shoe
Three, four, knock at the door
Five, seven is it? I'm sorry, I went to a state school that felt that arithmetic was not as important as teaching me about lesbians and socialism.

Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
But the police and fire brigade won't be able to do anything in case they breach the latest health and safety directive from the Department of Fucking Arseholes.

From the Daily Mash

Button Injured in Horrific F1 Accident

A Joke for Geeks

Dubya

First pics of my new van, which I pick up in Horrabridge at 10am on Saturday.

Travel Update!

So here's the latest on what's going on with the Fister.

Turns out, the Rozzers were at the accident. Yay!
But it was caused by a stolen car. Boo!
However, they did arrest a person at the scene. Yay!
Although he denied everything, and was therefore bailed for 10 weeks. Boo!
But he has subsequently admitted everything, so he is likely to be charged soon. Yay!
But I have to wait til he is convicted before the insurance will go through. Boo!
Although it will not affect my no claims and I will get the whole amount paid. Yay!
Minus my exess of £350. Boo!
Until he is convicted and then I should get that as well. Yay!
But the Fister is a write-off. Boo!
Although the engineer did value it at the same amount as what I paid for it, 10 months ago. Yay!
But I'm now without a car. Boo!
Although I have now bought a replacement. Yay!

OK, that's quite enough panto for now. Yes, my poor Fister is dead and I'm in the process of replacing it with... a white VW transporter.

Yes, that's right, folks - Chez is getting yet another van. This one is white, P reg, diesel and I got it for an absolute bargain price. The plan? Throw a bed, a hob and some cupboards in the back, paint zebra stripes on the outside and head for the hills...

Pics to follow, just as soon as I get them. And as for a name? Well, my previous vans - Fredzilla and Rudy - grew into their names. I'm thinking either Zebedee (if I go for the zebra stripes) or quite simply Dubya. Or maybe von Dubya. Suggestions gratefully received.

Myface Stalkbook Exchange Between Tafkass and Yours Truly...

TAFKASS: Still having trouble sleeping properly... in fact, if I were Madonna, I'd be "Desperately Seeking Snoozin".
Yesterday at 22:24 • Comment •Like Unlike

CHEZ GUEVARA: Taf, that's like (a) vigin on the ridiculous
about an hour ago

TAFKASS: I know. Not sure why I can't sleep; maybe I need some Bedtime Stories. Or perhaps it's something to do with my duvet cover; in fact, I asked my sister the other day - "Am I using the wrong Material, Girl?"
about an hour ago

CHEZ GUEVARA: It could be the mattress. Have you got anything you could use temporarily whilst you sort it out, Like a (Pr)air Bed?
about an hour ago

TAFKASS: I think I know what the problem is - I've got two single beds, and, because I'm too tight to buy a double, I've just pushed them together and am sleeping on that. Problem is, they tend to separate during the night, and I keep falling Into the Groove.
50 minutes ago

CHEZ GUEVARA: Yes, I can see how that would be a problem. And the more you try and rectify the problem, the Deeper and Deeper you go. Although apparently Anita Roddick, the founder of the Body Shop has branched out into sleep clinics, which might be worth a try. I think it's called Lazy Lab Anita.
27 minutes ago

TAFKASS: I've also just realised that my curtains are a little short for the window, and the resultant Ray of Light probably isn't helping; when the sun's Orbit is mixed in, it just makes it worse. But thanks for the tip, Chez - I'll give it a try. At the end of the day, I just want something which will make me go to sleep... uhh.. quicker. Or as the French might say, Ehhh... Vite-er.

(By the way, girls, we're both single, if you're wondering.)
13 minutes ago


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For more horrifying puns and mayhem, go visit The Artist formerly known as Shit Sandwich (Tafkass) at www.verypoor.co.uk

Putting the 'Hard' into Aardvark.