Now that the American election is over, John McCain has expressed his relief at not winning.
John McCain breathes a huge sigh of relief
"Our strategy from the start has been to lose the damn thing. Who in their right mind wants the responsibility of running this shit-infested toilet of a country? We're caused a world recession, we've fucked up the Middle East, and everybody in the whole world hates us. I've probably got more money than the whole banking industry put together and frankly, the whole thing is a fucking mess. Obama's welcome to it. We'll have it back when he's either managed to fix it or screwed it up so much that it won't matter what we do.
"I just want any potential gun-toting lunatics out there to wait until then before they decide to assassinate him."
Although Barack Obama remained a firm favourite throughout the campaign, Mr McCain has revealed there were some hairy moments.
"I thought the American people would have had enough of us, after what Bush did. He didn't so much as ruin the country as kidnap it, hold it hostage, tie it up then viciously buttfuck it with an unlubricated rusty pole over and over and over again.
"You could have given Al Qaeda an unlimited supply of fertilizer and airplanes and told them they had 8 years to do as much damage as possible, and they still wouldn't have done as much damage as he did.
"But just to make double sure, I thought the idea of Sarah Palin as Vice President, with her finger on the button if anything should happen to me, and let's face it, at my age, that's fairly likely - I thought that alone would probably be enough to scare the living shit out of anyone.
"But as ever, I seriously underestimated the American people. Most of them seemed to think I was the Bruce Willis character from Die Hard, and was just the sort of person to deal with those ay-rab terrorists. If I had a dollar for every time I was asked to say 'Yippee Kay Yay motherfucker', well, it might just about pay for Obama's media campaign.
"Honestly, it got so bad at one stage, I thought I might actually bloody win the thing. I thought for one horrible moment I was going to either have to get my cock out, or admit to having an affair with Palin. I'm not sure what would have been worse.
"Thankfully, the American people came through in the end, as I knew they would. The secret donations I made to Obama's media campaign were enough to pull him through and the public were spared the sight of my cock or the trauma of thinking of Sarah Palin in a sexual way. And nobody wants that."