Holiday Ideas

Not the Best Place to Stand...

And you get an extra 10 points if you can name who it is.

Finally! I'm Not the Only One...

...who thinks that the poisonous dwarf known as Tom Cruise is not only incredibly overrated as an actor, but also a rather horrible person. For years, I've never understood why people rated him. I always thought that in the main, any successful films he's been in have been despite him, not because of him.

I'm not particularly into the cult of celebrity, so in the main I have just ignored the little eejit. But his behaviour in recent times, in particular his Scientology beliefs, his overtly sexist behaviour, his public criticism of people and just general weirdness have been hard to ignore. In particular, his public attack on Brook Shields for taking anti-depressants to battle post-natal depression was frankly astonishing... Although Brooke Shields' response was simply genius:

“His comments are dangerous. Tom should stick to saving the world from aliens and let women decide what treatment is best."

And today I read that he has had his contract with Paramount cancelled! Allegedly, the wife of the studio boss (who is some 40 years his junior, so you figure out how she did it) convinced the boss to drop the mysogonistic little freak. Great news for the world in general, as yet another arrogant, controlling, preaching little shit finds out they're not as untouchable as they thought they were. I doubt we'll be lucky enough that this will be the end of Tom Cruise... But it's a start.

One-liners from the Edinburgh Festival

"I can't find a woman anywhere who will touch me with a shitty stick. Fair enough. It is a bit of an unusual request" - Andrew Lawrence

"After her accident, my nan had a plastic hip put in. But I thought they should have replaced it with a Slinky, coz if she did fall down the stairs again..." - Steve Williams

"My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs" - Patrick Monahan

"If a dog's tail is still wagging, then how can that be rape?" - Marek Larwood

"Let me tell you what blasphemy is. It's the idea there's a superior being who can make the mountains, the oceans and the skies, but who still gets upset about something I said. He's an all-powerful being, he's just got self-esteem issues" - Reginald D Hunter

"They say being a hostage is difficult. But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back" - Phil Nichol

The Husband Must Have Come Home Early...

There's a certain poetic justice about this picture...

How to Spot a Rich Man

"So Debbie... What first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"

Not one of Brad's better films...

Received this today, which reminded me of when I watched Troy. It was the funniest film I've ever seen. Perhaps I should explain...

I picked up a pirate copy from someone, something I've never really done before or since. I wouldn't usually recommend it, the quality was terrible. However, with Troy there was an unexpected but very welcome side-effect.

The film was entirely in English. But for some inexplicable reason, it also had English subtitles. Except the person that had written the English subtitles not only had a rather shaky grasp of the English language but also no knowledge whatsoever of the actual story of Troy itself.

So my initial irritation at the subtitles being there quickly turned into utter joy as the pearls started to appear on my TV screen... I quickly forgot how rubbish the film itself was... This was comedy of the highest order.

Some examples... Every time Ajax came on the screen, the subtitles would read "Hey Jack!" But my personal favourite: Priam, the King of Troy talking to his son Hector about Paris:

What he said: "Women have always loved Paris and he's loved them back."
What the subtitles said: "Women always love Paris and his lovely back"

I laughed for hours. I'm sure I still have this DVD somewhere, so if anyone wants a copy - just let me know.

The Fat Old Lady's still not singing...

As Juve incredibly confirm they are to make a THIRD appeal against their relegation to Serie B for match fixing allegations. I am absolutely amazed at the fact they still feel hard done by. Clearly, if you get caught fixing matches, you should pay the price. No matter who you are.

"We have the duty to safeguard the team, players and supporters' honour and also the club's heritage," Cobolli Gigli (Juve President) told Gazzetta dello Sport. Well, perhaps they should have thought about that before they got caught trying to buy the Scudetto. It just goes to show that the Old Lady still feels she is above the law. If they manage to avoid relegation, it will only prove that this is indeed the case.

Obi-Wan Kenobi Nil

...is my Fantasy Football team that I am entering in our annual family Fantasy Football competition. After a disappointing show in the World Cup competition, I'm expecting great things from my boys this year.

My team in full:

TEAM: Obi-Wan Kenobi Nil.
MANAGER: 'Big' Chez Guevara

GK....Van der Sar...Man U

Def...Terry.........Chelsea
Def...Lauren........Arsenal
Def...Stalteri......Spurs
Def...Finnan........Liverpool

Mid...Rosicky.......Arsenal
Mid...Duff..........Newcastle
Mid...Ronaldo.......Man U
Mid...Bowyer........W Ham

Att...Shevchenko....Chelsea
Att...Bellamy.......Liverpool

Oh yes. The Force is strong with this team... And with Terry, Bowyer and Bellamy in the team, the Xmas party should be fun.

The Dangers of Dwarf Dalliance...

I think this is the strangest story of the day...

A Philippines judge who said he consulted imaginary mystic dwarves has failed to convince the Supreme Court to allow him to keep his job. He told investigators three mystic dwarves - Armand, Luis and Angel - had helped him to carry out healing sessions during breaks in his chambers.

In a letter to the court he said: "From obscurity, my name and the three mystic dwarves became immortal."

However, with a late entry for the 2006 Understatement of the Year Award, the Supreme Court said dalliance with dwarves would gradually erode the public's acceptance of the judiciary as the guardian of the law, if not make it an object of ridicule.

Unusual Names

I've got a client called Ancilla, which is Latin for slavegirl. I can't quite think what sort of parent would look at their child for the first time and think "I'll call them Slave".

But it does raise the rather interesting question of what do you name your child? I had that experience recently with my kitten, when after much deliberation, I decided to call him Chico. I thought that was a fabulous name until, 4 weeks later, the rubber-necked yellow chicken-skinned shepherd turned up on X-Factor, and made me look even more gay than normal.

Reminds me of a very funny story a friend told me. She was sitting on a bus in Hackney as two young chav-ettes discussed what to call the new sprog. The usual Chardonnay, Mercedes and Tiramisu were mentioned before one of them said "I heard a really nice name recently... Treblinka". They both loved the name...

Now, to those of you that don't know, Treblinka was the second largest concentration camp of the Second World War, where somewhere in the region of 800,000 lost their lives. And my friend never said a word, so there may be a small chav child running around in Hackney called Treblinka. Perhaps with her baby brother Gulag.

The Dark Side of Japanese Policing

And for an even funnier vid of real-life Japanese Policing, look at what Kyklops has got...

BBC Terrorism Awards

From Time Trumpet, new comedy series on BBC2. Thursday 10pm.

That Frosties Advert

An incredibly funny new take on that incredibly irritating new Frosties advert, from those rather clever people at Weebls stuff.

There is a rather strange rumour going round about this one, by the way - that the kid in the advert was so bullied after doing the ad, that he killed himself. I can confirm that is absolute bollocks - firstly because it was denied by Kellogs and secondly because he is currently chained up in my loft.

Sex vs Love - Googlefight Showdown!

Click here to see who is the winner. In case you're wondering, a googlefight is based on what gets searched the most. God vs Porn is an interesting one too.

And 'Michael Galvan' has been searched for 565,000 times. I mean, there's ego and there's EGO...

Technical problems

Having a few technical problems today, I am frantically spanking my singe technique until he sorts them out. Normal service will be resumed tomorrow.

Cool for Cats

Courtesy of my friend Carrie, we have the musical cats... my personal favourite is the techno cat. Scarily accurate. And yes, I know it's sickeningly cute, but hey, I like cats. Deal with it.





techno
cat









Stevie Wonder
cat









Metal
cat










i-cat









house
cat









hip-hop
cat









hardcore
cat

Liquid Explosives

As revealed by Pigdogfucker, the liquid explosives that were to be used in yesterday's airport shenanigans were none other than diet coke and Mentos.

I've spent the afternoon buying diet coke and Mentos, and it was quite fun. Although sadly I could only get sugarfree Mentos. I think the normal ones would be better!

Inbred Tripple-Nippled Cousin Fuckers

Dr Ian Gibson, MP for Norwich North




Something that we Suffolk boys have known for some time, our Norfolk 'brethren' have officially been accused of inbreeding by one of their own.

The Labour MP for Norwich, Dr Ian Gibson, who incidentally has a PhD in genetics, was commenting on research showing that Norfolk had more than double the number of children diagnosed with type one diabetes than would be expected for its level of population. His comments:

"I would imagine it is linked to the fact that people in Norfolk are quite inbred. It is something that needs to be looked at as a priority."

Obviously his constituents are outraged. "It's an outrage" confirmed Britney, a 14-year old mono-browed mother of 4. "When I told my mum, my aunt and my sister, well, she was furious too".

Jamie's Football Predictions for 2006

Am suitably recovered from this Summer's football overdose, ready for the new season.

And my team, the mighty Ipswich Town FC look like they're going to struggle this year. I never really rated Big Fat Joe Royle, but I think I'll perhaps realise what a good job he actually did do, now that Magic Jim Magilton has taken over the reins. Plenty of enthusiasm, but zero managerial experience... I think mid-table mediocrity beckons for us again, as we build for the future etc etc... I think this is going to be a season to forget for the tractor boys.

And in the Premiership, I can't see anyone even getting near Chelsea this year. Michael Ballack has been a good buy for them, even now they now have about 17 world-class midfielders. But I think that the purchase of Andriy Shevchenko from Meelan has been inspirational. I always thought Chelsea's weakness was a lack of true class in attack. I have never really believed that Drogba was world-class and Crespo was never happy at Stamford Bridge... But in Sheva, they have signed (in my opinion) the best striker in the world.

I think United will struggle again. They're going to miss the horse, although I think Carrick will do well for them. And Arsenal again look a little light. I wouldn't be surprised to see Chelsea win the Champions League and the Prem this year.

Which brings me onto Serie A and with Juve relegated to Serie B, it should be an interesting campaign. I did read that Juve were being linked with comedy Newcastle defender Jean-Alain Boumsong... I think that they have been punished enough with relegation and the points deduction.

I think that the Rossoneri will struggle a bit without Sheva and a lot of pressure is going to fall on Gilberto's shoulders. He's scored a lot of goals in Serie A, but had a disappointing World Cup and he's also never really done it in the Champions League either... This season could be make or break for him, as he steps out of Sheva's shadow. I think they'll win Serie A, but have not got enough for the Champions League.

And Inter... well, they've bought big again this year with Crespo and Ibrahimovic. And on paper, they do look stronger than ever, especially seeing as Milan will start with a point deduction, so they even have a head start... But I still expect them to bottle it as they always do.

And finally, I expect Real Madrid to make a return to form this season. They've made a couple of rather good signings, the most important of all being the return of Fabio Capello as boss. And I think Capello is the best manager in the world. He'll certainly whip the galacticos into shape - no place for show ponies under him.

So here are Jamie's Predictions for the season ahead:

* Chelsea to win the Prem, Utd second, Liverpool 3rd.
* Reading, Sheff Utd and Watford to all go straight back down again.
* Chelsea to win the Champion's League.
* Ipswich to struggle in the Championship - I'll be happy with a top-half finish
* Meelan to win Serie A. Inter to finish second. Juve to get promoted from Serie B, even with the points deduction
* Real Madrid to win la Liga with Barca to finish second

Old Testament Parenting

As seen on the Kyklops blog, the Old Testament Guide to Parenting made me laugh.

Mamma Mia!

Lady Thatch out for the day with Jimmy Saville.







After all this Thatcher state funeral business, I had a horrible feeling that she might have actually died and I hadn't noticed. Although I'm sure I would have noticed all the street parties.

Anyway, I went on Google to have a look to make sure. And I came across this:

"Over the next six months Manchester audiences will be treated to Mamma Mia direct from the West End, a musical based on the life of Ex PM Maggie Thatcher also they will get the chance to see Will Young make his UK stage debut."

It made me giggle at first, because it seems to imply the musical of Maggie is called Mamma Mia... But aside from that, I cannot believe they are actually making a musical of Maggie Thatcher. There's something very Spinal Tap about it.

I can't wait to see what songs are going to be in it... And I'm particularly looking forward to seeing Maggie's duet with Will Young as Arthur Scargill, or perhaps a love scene with Ronald Reagan.

Not very PC, but can't really see the point...

Back, back and bigger than ever

Had my sister, her hubby and my 3 nephews over last week to visit. And somehow, they managed to trash my internet access, along with everything else... I used to like my sister coming to visit me - she'd bring marigolds and bleach. This time I had to clean the house myself after she left. The ignomy. Anyway, hence the quietness on the blog front. But I have managed to get my own 'singe technique' to fix everything and normal service will now be resumed.