This is a weird one...

All over the news here at the moment, I don't know if it's been picked up at all in the UK. But bloody weird. A 29-year old guy enrolled in a school in the US, posing as a 12-year old. Apparently it took nearly 2 months before anyone noticed. And when they busted him, it turned out he was living with two paedophiles, who both also believed him to be a 12-year old boy. And when they found out he was 29, apparently they were absolutely furious at being 'conned'. All very scary, but I think the only charges they're facing at the moment is identity theft...

Thoughts of the Day (& Night)

Today I saw a hummingbird. And surprisingly enough, they do actually hum when they fly. And hooray! The clouds have gone and it was bastard hot today, about 90. I spent a rather fab day walking up and down the beach, wading in the sea, and had a lunch of fish tea in a little beachside bar. Well, it was called Fish Tea, but was more like fish soup, really. I was quite disappointed, so may have to experiment with PG Tips and various fish when I get home.

Last night around midnight, Anna had gone to bed and I was wide awake. So I went down the beach, which is only about 50 yards from Anna's house. It was full moon and so bright, I could have taken a book with me. I stayed on the beach for a couple of hours, doing a bit of tai chi, as the waves crashed around me. Pretty amazing, I will almost certainly be doing it again tonight!

Oh, and I've stopped smoking too. So all in all, life is pretty good right now!

Inside the Triangle

Apparently, I'm currently inside the Bermuda Triangle, and we're the only place that's actually inside it. How's about that? I didn't even know. I'll keep a look out on the flight home for UFOs and suchlike.

Oh, and I saw two sharks yesterday. And a moth the size of a pigeon.

Bugger. It's Cloudy.

Which reminds me of a radio ad they're playing here to raise AIDS awareness, called 'Ouch! It hurts!'. Which is in my opinion a rather bizarre name for an AIDS awareness campaign. Perhaps 'Arse! I'm dying!' might be slightly more fitting. But I digress.

Yes, we've had two (two!) cloudy days now, and the sun isn't shining. And so far my tan has progressed from blue to white, but I was hoping to at least reach salmon before I got back. But it's not all bad, it's given me an opportunity to practice my tai chi.

I am now able to part a wild horse's mane, spread a white crane's wings and do a Brezhnian Press (really called a Brush Knee & Press, but I prefer the Russian alternative). Although I may get deported for the first two if I try them outside. But you have no idea how thrilled I am at having been able to learn how to do these. Just goes to show that I do still have a memory of sorts and I will soon be able to fulfil a lifetime ambition of mine, of doing tai chi by the water, like Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse. If I carry on like this, I'll be repulsing monkeys before I know it.

Happy Birthday!

Butter wouldn't melt.
















May I be the first to wish my friend Carrie a fantastic birthday. I'm not sure exactly how old she's going to be (ahem), but in her words, let's just say she's 30 + VAT. Have a good night tonight, babe, and have one on me!

Surprise!

I ate meat yesterday for the first time in about 8 months. It was chicken. And it wasn't for any Paul Wellerian reasons ("I was fucking hungry"), it was sneaked into my seafood surprise. Obviously that was the surprise. Needless to say, I wasn't happy. But what surprised me most of all was that it made me want to be sick. Occasionally when I see someone eating a fillet steak or parma ham, I do miss it. But eating that bit of chicken has just made me realise why I stopped eating meat in the first place.

Another Day in Paradise...

So yesterday, it was so cold I had to put on a T shirt. Not that I'm expecting any sympathy from any of you, particularly those of you in the UK where it's brass monkey. But today it's another glorious day in Paradise, so I thought I'd let you know what I've been up to.

I've learnt that chilled marmite on a mosquito bite stops it itching immediately. Although it doesn't make you very popular with the expats, who think it's sacrilege. Being away from home makes you do and think strange things.

I've learnt that the local girls are a lot more, ahem, forward than the girls back home. Whilst dancing at a local bar, they have a habit of coming up to you, shoving their not insubstantial booties in your groin and then basically simulating sex to the music. I mean, it's just not British, is it? And as much as I fancied being stripped of everything I possess (and not in a good way), I politely declined their requests for me to take them home. Despite the fact that some of them are quite stunning.

I won $180 in a quiz night, which would have been a great victory for the British if the majority of the other participants weren't also British.

I've been sailing, I've been sunbathing (and have miraculously managed to not get sunburn), I've been swimming. The food is quite fantastic (with one notable exception) and, well, this is a lifestyle I could quite easily get used to. Although whether I'd still think that if I came out in the Summer, when it's a million degrees and 200% humidity is another thing entirely.

But all in all, at the halfway point of my holiday, I'm enjoying it. I've met some interesting people (and some real nutjobs too) and I would heartily recommend that anyone should come here. But bring marmite.

My Moment of Glory, with Anna & Ian

Message from Paradise

Quick hello from me in the quite remarkable Turks & Caicos Islands. Actually. it's just an opportunity to gloat and make you all jealous. So here are some pictures.

















Yesterday I saw pelicans diving into the ocean. And a stork landed by the pool. If I take any other fab photos, I'll put them on here too.

Fuck this, I'm off

You can have the hurricanes and the rain and all that. I'm off to the Caribbean for 2 weeks. Yes, dear reader, I'm off to see my friend Anna in the Turks & Caicos Islands. I will still have access to the internet out there, so may well post some pictures if I can...

But I will be thinking of you all, while I'm sitting on the beach, topping up my tan (well, going from blue to just pale). I hope you won't miss me too much. This is where I'm going.

Snow Good

Snowboarders in Romania blocked traffic by staging a protest outside the National Weather Institute to complain about the lack of snow in Romania this year. The sit down protest in Bucharest only ended when weathermen told them their complaint 'would be passed on to a higher authority'. One assumes that they are on the phone to God as we speak.

If it works, and snow is predicted to fall some time later this week, I intend to kidnap Michael Fish until someone promises to make it sunny in Plymouth all year round.

Oh Lordi... It's Eurovision

You may be surprised to know that I am an avid fan of Eurovision, in fact every year I try to throw a Eurovision Party (usually on my own, funnily enough). I absolutely love it, it's just so damn crap, it's brilliant. The increasingly drunken ramblings of Terry Wogan, the terrible songs, the bizarre slots inbetween each country, then the excitement and tension of the final votes... I do truly love it. Especially since they've introduced televoting - it means that the public gets to choose rather than the corruption and bribery method that has been rife for years. Hence the fact that Finnish monster rockers Lordi won it in 2006 (and yes, I DID vote for them).

2006 was a truly vintage year for Eurovision, in fact it was the best I've possibly ever seen. And I actually cannot wait for Eurovision 2007. Every country that takes part will see that it was the most outrageous band that won, so I fully expect the bizarre-o-meter to go off the scale in 2007. Which is why I was not surprised to hear that ex-Smiths frontman Morrissey throw his name into the hat. Maybe he can do for Eurovision what Beckham will do for American Football. I mean soccer.

I can't wait. This year's Eurovision is on the 12th May 2007. If anyone would like to join me at my annual Eurovision Party, you are more than welcome. If we get enough taking part, I will run a sweepstake.

The Joy of Getting Old Part 3

And when I was in Marbella once, I did see an 80-year old woman with the biggest fake breasts I'd ever seen. It was possibly the most bizarre thing I've ever had the misfortune to witness.

The Joy of Getting Old Part 2

The Joy of Getting Old Part 1

Just One Cornetto...

Is what my sister made her husband sing to her on the gondola in Venice. The damage that Walls have done to this beautiful city is unparalleled. But never mind, it was my first visit to Venice and what a place... We stayed at the Lido, which is a little island separating Venice from the Adriatic. So you get Venice on one side, the sea on the other. Absolutely stunning.

It is certainly the most romantic place I've ever been to, and considering I went with my sister and her husband, that's saying something (yes, yes, I know, I am from Suffolk). I spent most of my time enjoying the beautiful views, trying to get pigeons to land on my sister's head and chasing a Japanese man around St Mark's Square, trying to get a photo of the worst wig I've ever seen (see below).

I shall stick some photos on, which speak louder than a thousand words (no matter how nice the words are).

My little sister showing just how much she likes touching pigeons.

Inspired by the man covering himself in oats and being licked by horses, I recreated that using my sister, corn & pigeons.

Seeing how much my sister disliked pigeons, I did what any big brother would do & made one land on her head. By the way, check out the giant pidgeon on the right.

When we saw the man with the worst wig in the world (and this picture does it no justice), the race was on to secretly take a picture...

Taken outside an art gallery, this appears to be an eight-foot tall inflatable dog.

The Rialto Bridge, taken from a gondola (cornetto out of shot).

Just to show that I didn't spend ALL my time chasing wigmen or feeding my sister to the pigeons, and that I do appreciate haute couture as much as the next man, here is a picture of that big palace thing in the main square.

I'm back! Sort of...

Sorry to all my readers for the outrageous delay in posting anything new. What have I been up to, I hear you ask? Well, I've been to Venice. Been to Ipswich. Lost 4 tenants in my house, so been running around with that. I've had no internet connection at home (and lost it at work as well for a while) and I'm supposed to be going to the Carribean for 2 weeks on Saturday, so I'm working like a loon. All in all, 2007 has been simply non-stop.

But I've got some girls coming round to see the house today, so hopefully that will sort it out. And my own technical monkey should be sorting out my internet gremlins - I blame Microsoft. Bastards. And with a bit of luck, normal service will now be resumed. I shall start by telling of my escapades in Venezia...

Happy New Year!

Finally 2006 is over and we're into 2007. I'd like to wish all my readers a very happy new year. Here's to hoping that 2007 is a vintage year for all of you.