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Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Royal Rampage
New game from Miniclip. Dubya is visiting the Queen in London, when they both get attacked by terrorists. Help Dubya and Lizzie take out the terrorists.
Those that receive White Spirit by email, click here to play the game.
Those that receive White Spirit by email, click here to play the game.
Ewe wanted it
Always happy to bring readers of White Spirit news of strange people doing or getting away with doing strange things to animals.
And this one is quite odd. A sheep is involved, which is fairly tame for some of the previous stories on here. But it's the court case that makes this story unusual. A man in The Netherlands who stood accused of having sex with a sheep walked free from court because the animal was unable to testify that it hadn't given him prior consent or that it had suffered emotional stress as a result.
Without this testimony people cannot be found guilty of bestiality in Holland. Animal rights campaigner Jos van Huisen noted: "Short of putting the sheep in the dock, at the moment these perverts cannot be prosecuted."
The country's Minister of Justice, Ernst Hirsch Ballin, has since stated that he will fight to change the law so that in future it will be a criminal offence to have sex with animals.
Perhaps the verdict might have been different with a more unbiased judge
And this one is quite odd. A sheep is involved, which is fairly tame for some of the previous stories on here. But it's the court case that makes this story unusual. A man in The Netherlands who stood accused of having sex with a sheep walked free from court because the animal was unable to testify that it hadn't given him prior consent or that it had suffered emotional stress as a result.
Without this testimony people cannot be found guilty of bestiality in Holland. Animal rights campaigner Jos van Huisen noted: "Short of putting the sheep in the dock, at the moment these perverts cannot be prosecuted."
The country's Minister of Justice, Ernst Hirsch Ballin, has since stated that he will fight to change the law so that in future it will be a criminal offence to have sex with animals.
Perhaps the verdict might have been different with a more unbiased judge
Monday, July 30, 2007
Made in Britain
The Russians have radioactive sushi to kill their dissidents... The Americans have invented a life-sized robotic fly for use in military surveillance. In England, we've grown up with James Bond and Q, the technical genius behind many a great invention. What are the real-life Q's in Millibank up to? What innovations is our great nation creating to counter the threat of global terrorism and to help Our Boys (TM) in their fight against local insurgents in Iraq and Afghanistan?
Killer man-eating badgers, that's what.
British forces in Basra are currently at the centre of a storm, accused of introducing man-eating badgers into the local city to sow panic into the locals.
UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer has said: "We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area."
Makes you proud to be British. Not so much James Bond as Austin Powers, really. All they are missing are the lasers on their heads.
The future of counter-terrorism.
To be fair, the evidence suggests that the badgers are indigenous to the area and nothing to do with the British at all. But why let a simple thing like the facts ruin a great post?
Killer man-eating badgers, that's what.
British forces in Basra are currently at the centre of a storm, accused of introducing man-eating badgers into the local city to sow panic into the locals.
UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer has said: "We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area."
Makes you proud to be British. Not so much James Bond as Austin Powers, really. All they are missing are the lasers on their heads.
The future of counter-terrorism.To be fair, the evidence suggests that the badgers are indigenous to the area and nothing to do with the British at all. But why let a simple thing like the facts ruin a great post?
Friday, July 27, 2007
Springfield Frolics
I have been on the Simpsons website, where you can create your own Simpsons characters, and have Simpsonized (sp?) friends, family and regular readers of the White Spirit.
(Click on the picture to enlarge)
Can you tell who is who? They are, in no particular order:
Yow Mutha; Dinky Flop; Little Zoe; Yours truly; Helen; Nicky; Miguelinho, the Shit Sandwich; Carrie; George; Anna; Sal.
(Click on the picture to enlarge)Can you tell who is who? They are, in no particular order:
Yow Mutha; Dinky Flop; Little Zoe; Yours truly; Helen; Nicky; Miguelinho, the Shit Sandwich; Carrie; George; Anna; Sal.
Feline a bit Peaky...
The cat of Dooooom...Oscar the cat has an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die by curling up next to them during their final hours. Oscar lives at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Rhode Island. Apparently, every day Oscar makes his rounds among the patients and gives each patient a sniff. When he senses that someone is near the end of their life, he hops onto their bed and curls up next to them. Within hours, without fail, the patient will die. His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live.
The world's media are talking about this as some sort of miracle, but it all seems a little odd to me. I mean, could it be possible that the cat doesn't curl up on the patients' bed because they're going to die, but that the patients actually die because he curls up on them? Can't help but think he's some kind of feline Harold Shipman.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Carlos 'Nick Nack' Tevez contract leaked
Looks like MSI's chance of victory in the High Court is unlikely, now that a 'source' at Wet Sham has leaked Carlos Tevez's contract onto the internet. Hopefully this will bring an end to this shocking (and very boring) state of affairs, which has portrayed both the Premier League and Wet Sham in a far from flattering light.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Football Predictions 2007
Well, I was right with some of my predictions for 2006 and wrong with others.
Right:
- Ipswich had a season of mid-table mediocrity.
- Madrid won la Liga, although somewhat fortuitously at the end and it cost Capello his job.
- Arsenal struggled without Patrick Viera and looked light.
- Sheff Utd & Watford relegated.
Wrong:
- Inter didn't bottle it, they won Serie A at a canter. Meeelan were lucky in the end to finish 4th.
- Chelsea didn't win the Premiership as or Champtions League as both Sheva & Ballack had seasons to forget.
- United didn't miss the horse at all, and won the Premiership with a flourish.
- Meeelan did win the Champions League after I predicted they couldn't.
- Reading didn't get relegated, enjoying a dream season.
Halfy halfy I think. So here are my predictions for 2007.
I once again think that Ipswich are going to have a difficult season. The recent signings of Pablo, Neil Alexander and old boy Tommy Miller are good signings, but not exciting enough to ensure promotion this year. Particularly if Owen Garvan's recent personal problems and Gavin Williams' disruptive influence on the squad continue. I think we'll do better than last year, I don't think we'll be in a relegation battle, but I think that if we manage the play-offs, it will be a dream season for the Tractor Boys. My guess is that Sheffield United, Cardiff & West Brom will go up this year.
The Premier League is going to be perhaps the most competitive in years. Recent years have always been a two-way race, but I think this year will be a three-way race. Chelsea have recovered from their injury problems of last year and have strengthened in the areas they struggled last year. But Man U have bought big and if they do end up buying Tevez, they are going to be an exciting team to watch. And fresh from their Champions League final defeat, Liverpool have also bought big this year, not least of all Fernando Torres. And even Tottenham are getting closer to the big 4 and could easily finish higher than Arsenal this year. I think it will go down to the wire - and I'm predicting Man United retaining their crown.
Serie A is going to be interesting too. I don't think Meeelan will win it. They simply don't have the strikers. Ronaldo will do well, but without a truly great striker beside him, I just can't see them getting more points than Inter. And with the return of Juve to Serie A, I think it's going to be a hard year for the rossoneri and a lot is going to depend on the young maestro Kaka. My prediction is that Inter will win it again, unless Meeelan can sign another top striker.
La Liga is going to be fun, as Barca seem intent on playing the legendary 4-2-4 formation, with Et'o, Ronaldinho, Messi, Henry all playing together. I'd like to think it can work and if it does, it will be incredibly exciting. I think that Real will struggle without Beckham, as he did almost single-handedly win them la Liga last season. I'm going for Barca this year, just for entertainment value.
And on the international stage... I am predicting that England will not reach the finals, which will not be a bad thing. It will mean the end of Steve McClown and a new England manager. And who will be the new manager? Depending on the season that Sam Allardyce has at Newcastle, it could be him. Or they may go for a foreign manager - and I'd still like Capello.
So here are Chez's predictions for 2007:
- Ipswich to finish top half of table, but to miss out on play-offs.
- Sheff Utd, Cardiff & West Brom to be promoted.
- Man U to retain the Premier League Championship, with Chelsea a close second, Liverpool 3rd and Spurs 4th.
- Wigan, Birmingham and Derby to be relegated
- Inter to win Serie A, Juve 2nd, Meeelan 3rd
- Barcelona to win la Liga, Madrid to finish 2nd or 3rd
- an English team to win the Champions League, most likely Manchester United
- England to not qualify for Euro 2008, McClown to be sacked.
- Italy to win Euro 2008.
Right:
- Ipswich had a season of mid-table mediocrity.
- Madrid won la Liga, although somewhat fortuitously at the end and it cost Capello his job.
- Arsenal struggled without Patrick Viera and looked light.
- Sheff Utd & Watford relegated.
Wrong:
- Inter didn't bottle it, they won Serie A at a canter. Meeelan were lucky in the end to finish 4th.
- Chelsea didn't win the Premiership as or Champtions League as both Sheva & Ballack had seasons to forget.
- United didn't miss the horse at all, and won the Premiership with a flourish.
- Meeelan did win the Champions League after I predicted they couldn't.
- Reading didn't get relegated, enjoying a dream season.
Halfy halfy I think. So here are my predictions for 2007.
I once again think that Ipswich are going to have a difficult season. The recent signings of Pablo, Neil Alexander and old boy Tommy Miller are good signings, but not exciting enough to ensure promotion this year. Particularly if Owen Garvan's recent personal problems and Gavin Williams' disruptive influence on the squad continue. I think we'll do better than last year, I don't think we'll be in a relegation battle, but I think that if we manage the play-offs, it will be a dream season for the Tractor Boys. My guess is that Sheffield United, Cardiff & West Brom will go up this year.
The Premier League is going to be perhaps the most competitive in years. Recent years have always been a two-way race, but I think this year will be a three-way race. Chelsea have recovered from their injury problems of last year and have strengthened in the areas they struggled last year. But Man U have bought big and if they do end up buying Tevez, they are going to be an exciting team to watch. And fresh from their Champions League final defeat, Liverpool have also bought big this year, not least of all Fernando Torres. And even Tottenham are getting closer to the big 4 and could easily finish higher than Arsenal this year. I think it will go down to the wire - and I'm predicting Man United retaining their crown.
Serie A is going to be interesting too. I don't think Meeelan will win it. They simply don't have the strikers. Ronaldo will do well, but without a truly great striker beside him, I just can't see them getting more points than Inter. And with the return of Juve to Serie A, I think it's going to be a hard year for the rossoneri and a lot is going to depend on the young maestro Kaka. My prediction is that Inter will win it again, unless Meeelan can sign another top striker.
La Liga is going to be fun, as Barca seem intent on playing the legendary 4-2-4 formation, with Et'o, Ronaldinho, Messi, Henry all playing together. I'd like to think it can work and if it does, it will be incredibly exciting. I think that Real will struggle without Beckham, as he did almost single-handedly win them la Liga last season. I'm going for Barca this year, just for entertainment value.
And on the international stage... I am predicting that England will not reach the finals, which will not be a bad thing. It will mean the end of Steve McClown and a new England manager. And who will be the new manager? Depending on the season that Sam Allardyce has at Newcastle, it could be him. Or they may go for a foreign manager - and I'd still like Capello.
So here are Chez's predictions for 2007:
- Ipswich to finish top half of table, but to miss out on play-offs.
- Sheff Utd, Cardiff & West Brom to be promoted.
- Man U to retain the Premier League Championship, with Chelsea a close second, Liverpool 3rd and Spurs 4th.
- Wigan, Birmingham and Derby to be relegated
- Inter to win Serie A, Juve 2nd, Meeelan 3rd
- Barcelona to win la Liga, Madrid to finish 2nd or 3rd
- an English team to win the Champions League, most likely Manchester United
- England to not qualify for Euro 2008, McClown to be sacked.
- Italy to win Euro 2008.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Not exactly a Wright Franny Magnet
Franny Jeffers & Richard Wright
It is with some regret that I have recently had to accept that my dream of playing professional football will not become a reality. Not least because I'm now 34, ridiculously unfit with no particular talent for the game and I haven't played since I was 16. But that never deterred me from the dream of pulling on the shirt of the mighty Ipwich Town at the mecca of Portman Road.
Which is why I can never understand it when professional footballers piss whatever talent they have up the wall, particularly bearing in mind their careers are over so quickly. Often it's a question of drink or drugs, which can be terribly sad. Often those that burn brightest, burn out the fastest.
But the ones that really get my goat are the mercenaries, those that seem happier to just take the money without any real desire to play. I'd play for Ipswich for nothing, just for the pride in wearing the shirt. At the very least for the pride in playing the game I love, week in, week out.
Franny Jeffers had a great future ahead of him as a youngster, he was the great white hope of the English game. So much so, that Arsene Wenger spent nearly £10m on his 'fox in the box'. However, due to injury and poor form, it didn't work out and his career has been in freefall ever since. He returned to Everton, but fell out with David Moyes. He spent a time languishing in the Charlton reserves and then in Blackburn Reserves.
At the end of last season, he came to Ipswich on loan and did well for us, enough for Ipswich manager Jim Magilton to offer him a contract. After lengthy negotiations with Blackburn, we eventually agreed on a price and offered a contract to Jeffers. Which he turned down, demanding over £10,000 a week. No one else has come in for him, and he's decided to stay at Blackburn, even though he is at least 5th in line. And apparently, Mark Hughes is in the market for another striker, which will leave him struggling to make the reserve team.
I just don't get it. He's now 26 and has rarely played first team football for around 4 or 5 years. I didn't expect him to show any particular loyalty to Ipswich, but I did at least think it might be a springboard for him to get his career back in track. But it seems he's happier to just take the money and put his feet up in his mock-tudor manor. How a player that has barely played for that period of time can demand £10k a week, I'll never know.
And the Richard Wright story is even worse. When he was with us, playing for his home team club, he was widely touted as the man who would replace David Seaman for England. His ill-advised move to Arsenal (as understudy for David Seaman) didn't work out and his career has also been in freefall ever since. His move to Everton was also a disaster, where he was their third-choice keeper. And when Everton released him, Ipswich came in for him and offered him a contract plus the chance of first-team football at his home team club. A chance that every fan dreams of, a chance of being a local legend. And he turned it down, preferring to sit on the bench at everyone's favourite cheat team, Wet Sham. I was absolutely flabbergasted when he turned us down. I guess I wasn't that surprised at Jeffers, but I expected more from Wright.
I hope when they both finish their careers that the money is a comfort to them. They both had the world at their feet, but the money proved too big a temptation. Where are the John Wark's of this world when you need them?
The End of Harry Potter
"But Harry", said Hermione "Ron and I have never seen Lord Voldemort. How will we know what he looks like?"
"Because he's got no nose." replied Harry.
"No nose?" asked Ron, incredulously. "How does he smell?"
"Terrible." replied Harry, before Hermione & Ron beat him to death with their wands.
That's how I'd have ended the last book in the series, but then perhaps that's why I'm not a multi-million pound writer.
But I've finished the book and know how it ends... Don't worry, I'm not going to spoil it for you. The last book in the series is dark as hell. It's been interesting to see how the books have got darker and darker as the story has developed. There were a lot of very young kids there last night, and I wouldn't necessarily say these are children's books anymore. But it was a good read and I'm truly sorry to see the end of Harry Potter.
One final note, it will be interesting to see what, if anything, JK Rowling will do now. I don't think that anything she will do will be as good as Harry Potter has been. It's certainly going to take something special to follow this.
Potter-mania
Just got back from Waterstones with my copy of the new Harry Potter book, Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows. I had nothing better to do, so thought I might pop down for a laugh. Managed to blag it for 8 quid (as opposed to the rather hefty £17.99 on the cover). I was quite amazed at how many people were there. But I got my copy and I can't believe she kills Harry at the end.
PS I don't know if she does really kill Harry at the end. I haven't read it yet.
PS I don't know if she does really kill Harry at the end. I haven't read it yet.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Damn!
I've been watching WWE wrestling recently. A lot of people condemn wrestling, and in some cases rightly so. The prevalence of steroids and other drugs in the 'sport' has lead to many tragic consequences. The number of wrestlers that have died before the age of 65 is simply shocking, none more so than the shocking events concerning Chris Benoit, who murdered his wife and child before killing himself.
Another frequent accusation is that it's fixed, and can really not be considered a sport. And I would completely agree with that. Indeed, WWE stands for World Wrestling Entertainment. Anyone wanting to watch people really kicking the shit out of each other should watch boxing, UFC or cage fighting. Wrestling is purely and simply about entertainment and offers some truly great comic moments. For those of you that don't believe me, watch the following clip from this week's WWE Raw, featuring 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan and England's own William Regal.
Another frequent accusation is that it's fixed, and can really not be considered a sport. And I would completely agree with that. Indeed, WWE stands for World Wrestling Entertainment. Anyone wanting to watch people really kicking the shit out of each other should watch boxing, UFC or cage fighting. Wrestling is purely and simply about entertainment and offers some truly great comic moments. For those of you that don't believe me, watch the following clip from this week's WWE Raw, featuring 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan and England's own William Regal.
Strange Links
I've got a little tracking thing on the blog that shows where the readers of White Spirit come from. Not any personal details, before you get too worried, just which web sites referred them and which keywords they used to get here. And some of the results have been just downright strange.
Apparently, I've had 1150 referrals from Google, which is nice of them. The top keyword was 'Postma', which I assume is about a story I ran about the former Aston Villa keeper Stefan Postma's ex-girlfriend releasing a video of her, ahem, checking his prostate with a strap-on.
The next most popular keyword - a staggering 112 times - was 'titfuck'. And I am pretty sure at no point in the blog have I used that phrase. I've searched google for 'titfuck' - obviously for research purposes, you understand - and I'm nowhere to be seen. Although bizarrely, there is a link to a website called Catholic Social Services.
I had 11 referrals for 'Sipi' and I don't even know what a sipi is. Although I think it might be something to do with rugby. But there you go. Just interesting to speculate what they think when they get here...
Apparently, I've had 1150 referrals from Google, which is nice of them. The top keyword was 'Postma', which I assume is about a story I ran about the former Aston Villa keeper Stefan Postma's ex-girlfriend releasing a video of her, ahem, checking his prostate with a strap-on.
The next most popular keyword - a staggering 112 times - was 'titfuck'. And I am pretty sure at no point in the blog have I used that phrase. I've searched google for 'titfuck' - obviously for research purposes, you understand - and I'm nowhere to be seen. Although bizarrely, there is a link to a website called Catholic Social Services.
I had 11 referrals for 'Sipi' and I don't even know what a sipi is. Although I think it might be something to do with rugby. But there you go. Just interesting to speculate what they think when they get here...
More and More Bizarre Spam
Just received perhaps my most bizarre spam email to date from someone called Mari Rutherford. The subject was simply: "armpit clockwatcher allusive". Although I'm used to those being weird, I thought this example was particularly creative. However, that wasn't the weird part of it. The text ran:
"allah chauffeur cochran cit. aggravate constrictor denominate alginate celia devil. destabilize bring artillery apatite conceive chart carbone assail bursitis. abide counterbalance curtsey beg blob creole ambivalent."
And that was it. No link, no attempt to sell me tablets that would allow me to 'drape my cock over my shoulder'. Needless to say, I was rather perplexed. Although I've always thought that spam was pointless anyway - surely NOBODY buys anything from the internet like that - I really can't see the point in this one. What an absolute waste of time.
"allah chauffeur cochran cit. aggravate constrictor denominate alginate celia devil. destabilize bring artillery apatite conceive chart carbone assail bursitis. abide counterbalance curtsey beg blob creole ambivalent."
And that was it. No link, no attempt to sell me tablets that would allow me to 'drape my cock over my shoulder'. Needless to say, I was rather perplexed. Although I've always thought that spam was pointless anyway - surely NOBODY buys anything from the internet like that - I really can't see the point in this one. What an absolute waste of time.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Lanhyd-ROCK!
Went to my first festival of the Summer on Saturday at Lanhydrock in Cornwall. Only a one-dayer, but a truly beautiful location. Couple of local bands to start off with, highlight of which were the Wire Daisies, followed by an African band called Zambuca or something. I'm not really into African music and I swear they just played the same song 15 times.
Then came crusty rockers The Levellers, who were good for a laugh. But the highlight for me was seeing the legendary Wailers (as in Bob Marley and the...), who were simply magnificent. We were lucky with the weather and I shall certainly be going back next year.
Here are a couple of photos!
Then came crusty rockers The Levellers, who were good for a laugh. But the highlight for me was seeing the legendary Wailers (as in Bob Marley and the...), who were simply magnificent. We were lucky with the weather and I shall certainly be going back next year.
Here are a couple of photos!
Dog or Hen
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... You've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never!" replies Dave.
"Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed."
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... You've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never!" replies Dave.
"Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed."
The Dangers of Going Commando
From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Sydney Radio Show
As heard on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win."
What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch ones..... ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sara: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sara: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"
Sara: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?
Sara: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win."
What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch ones..... ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sara: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sara: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sara: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"
Sara: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?
Sara: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
The Bill Cosby Dance
Anyone remember the Bill Cosby dance from his series in the 80's / 90's? This shouldn't be funny, but for some reason it just makes me laugh.
For those on email updates, click here to see the video.
For those on email updates, click here to see the video.
And the Word Was...
Went to see Genesis at the weekend with my parents. My mum told someone she was going to see Genesis and they replied: "What, the band?" - what a missed opportunity to reply with "No, the dawn of creation. I'm a Timelord." Although bizarrely, she did tell an old lady she was going to see Genesis and she did actually reply "What, from the Bible?".
And as an added bonus, I got to play with Freddie for the first time (my new camper van). The concert was in Twickenham, so I decided to spend the weekend up there. And the fluffy purple fur and bubble wrap I used to insulate the inside worked an absolute treat.
But the concert was absolutely brilliant. I was a little concerned that they would only play their more recent stuff, which is pretty crap - and there was a quite hilarious moment when the entire stadium sat down during a particularly poor rendition of Hold on my Heart and started talking amongst themselves. But things soon picked up after that, and there was a good mixture of old stuff and some really old stuff, which kept the crowd going. Highlights included a brilliant rendition of In The Cage, the Phil Collins / Chester Thompson drum duet and a surprising yet excellent techno version of Domino.
Genesis are probably my favourite band of all-time and it was great to finally see them live. I just wish they'd do a reunion tour with Peter Gabriel and Steve Hackett...
The boys in action.
My parents rocking it large.
And as an added bonus, I got to play with Freddie for the first time (my new camper van). The concert was in Twickenham, so I decided to spend the weekend up there. And the fluffy purple fur and bubble wrap I used to insulate the inside worked an absolute treat.
But the concert was absolutely brilliant. I was a little concerned that they would only play their more recent stuff, which is pretty crap - and there was a quite hilarious moment when the entire stadium sat down during a particularly poor rendition of Hold on my Heart and started talking amongst themselves. But things soon picked up after that, and there was a good mixture of old stuff and some really old stuff, which kept the crowd going. Highlights included a brilliant rendition of In The Cage, the Phil Collins / Chester Thompson drum duet and a surprising yet excellent techno version of Domino.
Genesis are probably my favourite band of all-time and it was great to finally see them live. I just wish they'd do a reunion tour with Peter Gabriel and Steve Hackett...
The boys in action. 
My parents rocking it large.
Cam-borne Again
Had a great time on Friday night. I was invited down to sunny Camborne by my friend Carrie for her friend George's birthday. As a regular reader of the Spirit, it was good to finally put a face to the name.
Once again we found ourselves in the notorious Corn Exchange night club and a great time was had by all. And as an extra bonus (for me at least), there was a techno trance party going on in their back room. Although it was slightly depressing to realise that I can't dance like a loon for several hours any more - I was knackered after about ten minutes...
But once again, we managed to convince random strangers to pole dance for us. I am always amazed at the fact that I am able to convince men of all ages to pole dance without getting beaten up. As superhero powers go, it's not what I would have chosen, but beggars can't be choosers. Here are some photos, including pictures of Phil* & Kelvin*, our random pole dancers of the night.
* Names not changed to humiliate the innocent.
George, the Birthday Girl
Sarah, who is in charge of our youth's future.
Yours truly, doing what I do best.
Carrie & her big bass man, Ross.
Random Pole Dancer Nr 1, Kelvin.
Random Pole Dance Nr 2, Phil.
Once again we found ourselves in the notorious Corn Exchange night club and a great time was had by all. And as an extra bonus (for me at least), there was a techno trance party going on in their back room. Although it was slightly depressing to realise that I can't dance like a loon for several hours any more - I was knackered after about ten minutes...
But once again, we managed to convince random strangers to pole dance for us. I am always amazed at the fact that I am able to convince men of all ages to pole dance without getting beaten up. As superhero powers go, it's not what I would have chosen, but beggars can't be choosers. Here are some photos, including pictures of Phil* & Kelvin*, our random pole dancers of the night.
* Names not changed to humiliate the innocent.
George, the Birthday Girl
Sarah, who is in charge of our youth's future.
Yours truly, doing what I do best.
Carrie & her big bass man, Ross.
Random Pole Dancer Nr 1, Kelvin. 
Random Pole Dance Nr 2, Phil.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Modern Toss Part 2
Oops. It appears the website won't let you bookmark individual episodes, and just takes you to the main site for TV links. Which is a great site in itself, by the way, if you're into watching TV progs on the internet for nowt. To find the Modern Toss section, look under 'M', click on 'Modern Toss' and all the episodes are there. Go on, it's well worth it.
Modern Toss
I've found a link on t'internet, where you can watch whole episodes of the quite brilliant Modern Toss. Quite simply, the funniest animation show I've seen in a long time, featuring a whole host of characters. My personal favourites are Monsieur Tourette, the master signwriter and Barney, although their short skits from Accident & Emergency are quite brilliant too.
Here are the links:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Here are the links:
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
The big 10k
Two rather fabulous landmarks have been reached. Firstly, the good ship White Spirit has just officially had it's ten thousandth visitor! Secondly, the blog is now one year old. Well, one year and a couple of days. I'd like to thank everyone that's been reading it for the past year, my agent and God. I hope you've all enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it.
Sticks & Stones...
My oldest nephew Benn has broken his collarbone, playing football. And damn, the bones appear to be facing the wrong direction. And for some reason, he wants me to put the picture on the blog, so here it is. Hope you get better soon, Benn!
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