Chez Guevara FM - the home of UK Psy Trance

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Viz Top Tips

TOURETTES sufferers with an interest in Victoriana. Simply replace shouting 'fuck', 'cunt' and 'wanker' with 'poppycock', 'fiddlesticks' and 'balderdash' to recreate an authentic Victorian experience.

TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit hapilly on your hand for hours.

DAILY MAIL EDITORS. Underline important words in your headlines just to make sure that your readers are clear about what it is you want them to think.

HOMEOWNERS. When selling your house, replace your furniture with children's tables and chairs, and use a dwarf estate agent. Instantly, your house will seem more roomy than it actually is.

OIL COMPANIES. Avoid having the general public pointing the global warming finger at you by putting some pictures of trees and flowers on your websites and adverts.

SMOKERS. Enjoy seemingly longer holidays by stopping smoking on your first day off, making every day thereafter appear to be 72 hours long.

DOG OWNERS. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.

JEREMY BEADLE When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

MUMS. Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I can't Believe It's Not Butter. They won't know what to believe.

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