Diavolical

In my pre-season preview of Serie A, I said that Meeelan would struggle to win Serie A this year, because of their lack of a truly world-class striker to play alongside Ronaldo. And with the buck-toothed Brazilian currently injured, the Rossoneri are really struggling in Serie A.

I watched Meeelan scrape a lucky home draw against Catania (who are likely candidates for relegation this year), and only a very dodgy penalty gave them even that. Meeelan have now won only once in the league this season and are currently languishing in mid-table.

They seem to have two main problems. Firstly in defence, they are looking rather shaky. But their main problem is simply they cannot score. Gilardino looks a shadow of his former self; he clearly does not have the mental strength to be a Milan player. And Inzaghi is way past his best - I think he's better suited to a sub role. I think Milan should have pushed the boat out to get Sheva back in the Summer. They are really missing a true goal-scorer, particularly when you remember how injury-prone Ronaldo can be.

When you look at Inter, they've got Crespo, Ibrahimovich, with David Suazo, Adriano and Julio Cruz on the bench. Milan have an injury-prone Ronaldo, the ageing Pippo 'I was born in an offside position' Inzaghi and the hapless Alberto 'Couldn't score in a brothel with a 100 Euro note tied to my nob' Gilardino. And no one else.

As a part-time Milanista, I do hope that Berlusconi gets his chequebook out in January; or this could be one of the worst seasons for Milan in recent memory.

Tripod Tribulations

Had some problems last week with a three-legged cat. I came home one night to find the cat asleep on my sofa. I was baffled as to how he had got in and as soon as I saw him, he immediately hid under my sofa. I managed to coax him out with tuna and put him outside.

The next day, I came home from work only to find the cat looking out at me from my windowsill. I had no idea how he'd managed to get back in. I suspect he'd used the fabled 'catspace', a gap between the fabric of reality that allows cats to get into places they're not allowed to or to suddenly disappear without trace from right under your eyes.

Once again I coaxed him out with tuna and put him outside. He then leapt straight through my bathroom window and hid again under my sofa. I tried once again to lure him out with tuna, but he'd obviously wisened up to the fact that this would mean I'd throw him out, and remained securely hidden under the sofa.

I decided I needed to change tact and tried to get him from under the sofa with a broom. He did come out, but only to hide under my armchair. Further broom persuasion only succeeding in making him hide under my woodburner. I tried squirting him with water, but he simply refused to budge.

After a fruitless hour of trying to get him out, I ended up having to put on a leather coat and gloves and grab him by the scruff of his neck to get him out. (It was at this point incidentally, that I realised he only had three legs).

The next day I found him still in my back courtyard and realised he was unable to get out - he'd fallen off the wall and couldn't make the jump. Fortunately my neighbour knew who's cat it was and I was able to alert the owners that their cat was stuck in my garden. He came round and the cat leapt onto his shoulders. He left my house like some kind of cheap pirate.

Axe-wielding Maniac

This will be me soon!
















I've signed up for a guitar course. It's been many years since I committed any acts of aural atrocity. Oh, how my parents loved my impromptu violin concerts at home, listening to me belt out such classics as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and London's Burning. It really did sound like nails down a blackboard. Tuneful nails, mind. But still nails.

But I always wished I'd chosen the guitar instead, so I've finally taken the plunge, bought myself a half-decent guitar and I'm ready to go. Obviously I've some way to go before I find myself at Shit's level, but then we all have to aspire to something.

* 10 Spirit points go to whichever reader can tell me who the mystery guitarist is. And no, it isn't that bloke from The Darkness.

A stolen joke

A man is in bed with his wife when there's a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at the clock. "It's half three in the morning", he grumbles. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time".

Then a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?", his wife says.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and a stranger is standing there. It didn't take take long for the man to figure out the stranger was drunk.

"Hi", says the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No", says the man, "Get lost it's half three in the morning. He slams the door and goes back upstairs and tells his wife.

"Dave that wasn't very nice", his wife says. "Remember that night when we broke down in the pouring rain to pick up the kids from the babysitter? "You had to knock on this man's door to get us started again. What would have happened if he told us to get lost?

"But this man was drunk", said the husband.

"It doesn't matter", the wife said, "It's a christian thing to help him".

So the husband gets up and dressed and goes downstairs again. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts: "Hey do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out "Yes please".

So still unable to see the man he calls, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "Over here on your swing set".

(Stolen from Hayley's Perfect.)

Good Luck

to Little Zoe, who starts her degree at Brighton University this weekend. Ah yes, the joys of uni. Best years of my life etc. I won't go into a nostalgic rambling about the japes and scrapes of my time at uni, but I hope you will all join me in wishing her all the best. Oh, and don't get too carried away by the cheap union cider and end up shagging someone during Freshers' Week. You will regret it.

Little Zoe is off to Uni!

Suffolk n' Good

Watched my team, the mighty Ipswich Town beat a very good Coventry team 4-1 last night and what a great match! It's always good to see your team win, particularly when they play as well as that. Pablo, who has always been a favourite of mine, scored two, big Jason de Vos scored the opener and the quite excellent Jon Walters got the other. It appears that Portman Road is becoming something of a fortress for us. If we can just replicate that form away from home, perhaps the play-offs or even promotion might not be quite the pipe dream I thought it would be.

On a separate note, I found out recently that there were a couple of signings that Ipswich Town turned down in the 80's that could have dramatically changed our fortunes. It would appear that Town gave trials to not only Paul Gascoigne, but also Ruud Gullit before they made it. However, in both cases it was decided that they players should not be taken on. Gazza was deemed 'too fat' (no change there, then) and with Gullit, they had reservations about his discipline.

Gazza I can take, but Gullit? Shit.

Hopi-ng Mad

Got my parents staying with me this weekend, working on our house. Sadly it's pissing down with rain in Devon, so we're stuck indoors with nothing to do. So my dad decided to let my mum stick a burning hopi candle in his ear. I had a go as well, and I'm pretty sure I can hear better than I could before. All in all, though, a rather surreal way to spend a Saturday night.

"I've got breasts and I'm not afraid to use them!"

A would-be shoplifter squirted her breast milk at a store detective when he tried to stop her stealing goods. The woman exposed her breasts and fired away after being confronted at a Co-op store.

The attack in Leicester is thought to be the latest in a trend in which thieves try to get their DNA on security officers so they can accuse them of sexual attacks if caught.

Mourinho Lookeylikey

U Go, Boss

So the Special One has gone. I did quite like Mourinho, I've always thought he was pretty cool in a pouting, moody type of way. But under him, Chelsea have been deadly dull to watch - certainly not the champagne football that was expected for all the money that was spent. Last season in particular, they were outplayed and outclassed by United. And if I'd spent half a billion pounds on players, I'd certainly want to see my team play better than that.

But I am surprised that they've gone for Avram Grant. I would have thought they'd push the boat out for a top-class manager - somebody that can introduce a bit of flair. There are a few managers that would turn it down - Ancelotti, Wenger and Fergie to name a couple. But I think most managers would jump at the chance to manage Chelsea.

I know that Capello is available, as is Didier Deschamps. Maybe the Sevilla coach, Juande Ramos. But whoever takes charge at Chelsea - and I doubt very much that Grant will stay in the position permenantly - it will need to be someone with the stature to take Chelsea to the next level.

Uzi Naughty Boy?

The venerable Shit Sandwich recently posted about a cricket bat called the Newbury Uzi. And in light of that, it sounds like the Pakistan cricket team have resorted to similarly extreme means to stop Australia, if ABC.net.au is to be believed.

Tetris Grand Master

I used to love playing Tetris on my ZX Spectrum. It was the first game I was ever addicted to. But I've never seen anything like this, the Tetris Grand Master. This guy must have Jedi-like reactions. Well worth watching until the end, when it turns into invisible Tetris.



For those on the email update, click here to watch the video.

Well done, Steve McClaren

A week ago, I really doubted that England would get the results they needed in the Euro qualifiers. But six points, six goals and most importantly of all, we dominated both games. Israel were made to look very ordinary, but a very good Russian team were taught a lesson in football.

And I have to say, a lot of the credit has to go to Steve McClaren for making some inspired decisions in his team selection. Arguably those decisions were forced onto him with injuries and suspensions, but I would never have chosen Heskey upfront - I'd have probably given Darren Bent a go. And I would never have dreamt of putting Gareth Barry in central midfield. But he was arguably England's best player over the two games.

And he stuck with Paul Robinson, when I would probably have dropped him and Robinson had two very solid games.

This was probably the best performance from an England team since the 5-1 thrashing of the Germans in Munich. The two Coles on the left linked up well. Micah Richards and Subbuteo Shawn played well too, although SWP does need to learn how to cross the ball. Heskey won everything in the air and Owen looked white hot again. Those that wrote him off - your author included - are eating their words. Barry & Gerrard bossed the midfield and JT and Rio looked pretty solid at the back.

It will be interesting what will happen once the injured and suspended get back. Surely Heskey won't keep Rooney out of the team, but they'll miss Heskey's aerial threat, not least because both Rooney and Owen are shortarses. England do play best with 4-4-2 and the big man / little man combo. But when they've played with Crouchigol, they've often taken the easy route and hit it up too long, too quickly.

There's no way that invisible Frank Lampard should take Barry out of the team, nor should Hargreaves. I think that perhaps Beckham may replace Subbuteo Shawn, depending on Beckham's form.

But it would be a brave manager that changes this team. I bet McClaren wishes that the Estonia game was next week.

I have to say, Steve McClaren has taken an absolute beating from the Press and fans alike, me included. Maybe he has finally stepped out of the shadow of the Sven era and will now be able to prove his worth as a manager in his own right. I really hope so. A lot will depend on his team selection when all his regular players are available. Let us hope that this is the start of a new era in English football and not just a happy blip.

And on a final note: the Jocks beat the French in Paris! All in all, a top night.

"You're going to pay me for this?"

I like my job. I don't love it, but I can think of worse ways to earn a living. However, there are some people that have jobs so good, you can't help but feel green with envy. I'd quite like to be a professional footballer, for example. But I think even they would be quite envious at this job.

Boffins at Portsmouth University have spent two years researching the effect of running on women's breasts. 70 women took part in the survey, with breast sizes varying from small to JJ. If you're wondering how big that is, Jordan is a size F, which is six sizes smaller.

Fundamentally, they've put these women on a treadmill and watched their breasts jiggle about without a bra. I knew I should have chosen a science degree. If any readers can think of a better job, I'd sure like to know.

Fantasy Football update

My team is underperforming terribly and I am currently languishing third from bottom. I am below my gran and even Little Zoe in the rankings. The only consolation is that the good Shit Sandwich is currently bottom.

McClown delivers...

Watched the match on Saturday and was quite pleased. I know that it was only against Israel and they didn't put up much of a fight, but the team played well for the first time in a long time and the three points was very welcome. As much as I dislike McClown and would like to see him out of a job, I don't want England to miss Euro 2008. Watching a tournament without your team is just not the same.

I can't help but think that the injuries and suspensions actually helped the team. If Lampard had been fit, we would almost definitely have seen the unworkable Lampard / Gerrard combo in midfield yet again, with Rio and JT banging countless long balls up to Peter Crouch.

It was a brave decision to pick Emile Heskey, but perhaps the biggest surprise for me was the selection of Gareth Barry in central midfield. I would probably have gone with Michael Carrick, but to be fair, Gareth Barry played a blinder.

It was good to see little Mickey Owen get a goal, although he still looks half the player he was. But he is getting better, the more he plays. And it's good to see Subbuteo's Shaun Wright-Phillips finally start to replicate his Man City form for his country.

The Russians will prove a much harder task, not least because it's away. I hope we win, but it's going to be a lot tougher. And it leaves McClown with some difficult decisions, particularly if Lampard is fit again and as Crouchigol is no longer suspended. Does he stick with the team that did so well? Or does he go with his first choice team?

Either way, he's on a hiding to nothing unless we win and anything less than three points would be a disaster.

There's only one Chez Guevara!

Apparently I'm not the only one after all. There's a game called Chez Guevara. You can even buy a t-shirt, which I rather like and may well buy.
















There's also a restaurant in the US called Chez Guevara. Just goes to show that the old addage of 'You are unique. Just like everyone else' rings just as true in the blogosphere.

If I was them, I'd be well pissed that I have the web domain www.chezguevara.com. Well, you can't have it! Unless you send me a large bag of cash, that is. I knew I should have copyrighted the name. Damn my inherent laziness.

A proud day for White Spirit

I always strive to spread the word. And I'm always proud when my good work gets recognised. So I'm sure you can imagine my delight in being number one on Google. A proud day indeed. And not just if you search under 'Smells Like White Spirit'. Oh no... We are number one if you type in 'Chuck your muck over your sister's jubblies'. A proud day indeed.

And we're number 4 on MSN if you type in 'Excited by doctor examining my breasts'. Still some way to go there, but I'm sure with a concerted effort, I can make the number one spot.

Folly in Mount Edgcumbe

Spent a lovely day on Saturday, discovering the beauty of Mount Edgcumbe. For those that don't know, it's a manor house over the river from Plymouth. It was first built in the 1500s and you have to get the foot ferry over the river to get to it. A truly great day out. Plymouth is not the most beautiful city in the world, but it does look spectacular from Edgcumbe, as these photos show.

View over Plymouth

View over Plymouth

The folly

View from the Folly

Scared of my bandana

Venison

A man came into the office today and offered me eight legs of venison for a tenner. I told him to piss off because it was too dear.

(This joke only really works if you say it outloud)

A Joke about Nurses

A trainee nurse starts her new job at the hospital and is being shown around the wards by the matron. In one ward she is horrified to see a man masturbating furiously on his bed.

"That's wrong." says the trainee "why don't you stop him?"

"Oh no, that's Mr Jones. He's got a rather embarrassing problem. His testicles produce too much semen and he has to do that or they'll burst."

Still feeling uncomfortable, she begrudgingly agrees with the matron and moves on. In the next ward, she sees a nurse giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh come on, that's really wrong!" says the trainee.

"No, that's Mr Smith." says the matron. He's got the same problem as Mr Jones, but he's with BUPA."

Wife's Night Out

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports and play on the internet all night...

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover...

You wake up the next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night...

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece...

You circle the car looking for dents and find none...

But...

Wait a minute...

It's Behind You!

A family on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving. The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience. His son wanted a pic of his mum and dad in all their gear so got the underwater camera on the go.

When it came to taking the pic the dad realised that the son looked like he was panicking as he took it and gave the "OK" hand sign to see if he was alright. The son took the pic and swam to the surface and back to the boat as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was OK. When they got back to him he was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely shitting himself.

When the parents asked why he said "there was a shark behind you" and the dad thought he was joking but the skipper of the boat said it was true and that they wouldn't believe him if he told them what it was. As soon as they got back to the hotel they put the pic onto the laptop and this is what they saw.

Trip down Memory Lane

And when I got back from Kynance Cove, I drove up to Sheringham to spend a few days with my family on holiday. When I was a kid, this was where we always went on holiday. It was great to see the old places, although it was a lot smaller than I remember. Particularly Beeston Bump, which was like a mountain when I was small. Now it's not so much a mountain as a molehill. It has been partly eroded by the sea, but it's mainly wagon wheel syndrome - things seem much bigger when you're young.

My dad's family were all from here and it's one of the few places where I feel like I have some real roots. We saw where my Gran used to live and the gates that my great granddad made. It really felt good to be back where there are so many memories. I've moved around so much, I sometimes feel a bit like a nomad. Going to Sheringham was pretty grounding.

And I had a great time with my nephews, sister and her husband and my mum. We went crabbing on the beach and found the weirdest crab I've ever seen. Bit like a cross between a crab and a spider. All in all, it was a great holiday as the pics show!

The boys

Sheringham Beach

Me

Me & my sister

My nephew

The weird crab / spider

Back, back and bigger than ever!

Sorry haven't posted for a while - I've been away! Spent the Bank Holiday weekend in Cornwall at Kynance Cove, which is down by the Lizard. And what a beautiful place! It was another Freddie adventure and we stayed at a campsite this time - didn't fancy getting moved on at 1 in the morning. Cornwall really is the most beautiful place. Two days at Kynance Cove, then onto St Ives for the day. Here are some pictures.