Parting the Bearded Clam *

* Copyright Shit Sandwich.

No, I'm not going for a '10' on the Vodafone server, this is actually about Tai Chi. Some of you may know that I've taken up Tai Chi recently and I'm currently labouring through the 8-form. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be, imagining it previously to be generally waving your hands around and saying 'Ommm' a lot.

However, that is not the problem. The problem is that every move has a Chinese name (badly translated, I expect) and some of them are really rather funny. Not least because my good lady is actually the teacher.

The first move I learnt is to 'part the wild horse's mane'. And every move has a martial application, which means that when you get good at it, you can actually use it in a fight. I can see how it would work:

Me: "If you don't watch it sonny, I'm going to part you right in the mane"
Asbo-touting Hoodie: "No! No! Not the mane!"

However, last week I was practising hard and overheard Helen teaching the more advanced 24 form:

Helen: "OK, so we go into 'cloudhands'.... Then we 'repulse the monkey'"

I have to say, I couldn't stop laughing. I just had visions of:

Monkey: "No! What are you doing with that banana? That's disgusting, I've got to EAT that..."

So I was telling this to Shit who was down this weekend, who came up with the quite brilliant title for this post. And we were discussing the martial aspect to tai chi - a little slow really for a proper fight, I expect. I had more visions of:

Me: 'I avoid the punch by 'parting the wild horses mane'... I headbutt him using 'woodpecker on amphetamines', I throw him to the floor using the 'white crane'... Then I kick him in the head while he's on the floor with 'crab going on holiday'...

And we had the idea (somehow) of tai chi for chavs, or perhaps tai chinnit. And we did come up with some great moves, including the 'running out of Primark', the 'buying your lotterys down Asdas', the 'bitchslap' and the 'driving your novas'.

I think we could be onto something.