A Novel Idea

They always say that adversity is the breeding ground of creativity. Don't they? They don't? I'm sure I heard them say that. I'll ask them next time I see them. But anyway, I've decided that it's about time I started doing some of the things I've been meaning to do for a long time. I don't mean things like 'wash socks' or 'hoover floor'. You can always buy more socks and if I hoover the floor, it will only get dirty again. It always does. No, I mean the REAL things I've been meaning to do, the ones on my list of things to do before I die.

So last night I started my novel. I took it so seriously, I actually started it twice. My first attempt was shit. Far too rambling, no real storyline or even thought as to what it was I was going to write. It actually read a little bit too much like a blog, but one of those self-obsessed MEEEEE blogs. So I decided to scrap that and write it in the third person. And I decided to not make it entirely about me but to have a storyline.

I've just finished the first chapter and I'm rather excited about it. I have the bare bones of a storyline. I've got the beginning down, I've set the scene, so to speak. I've got a vague idea about the ending, although I suspect that the ending will be clear within itself. I have a vague idea about the middle. I'll keep you posted as to how it goes.

Bush Shoot Out Game

You are everyone's favourite chimp world leader... And the White House has been overrun with terrorists... Can you take out the terrorists?

Four Second Fury

This game is ridiculously addictive. You have four seconds to complete each game...

Don't Mess with Granny...

Great Graffiti

Bugger.

Single again. Me & 'the girl of my dreams' have just split up. Her decision, sadly. Long story that I won't bore you with here, but all I can really say is that I will NEVER understand women as long as I live... Women, eh? Can't live with 'em. Can't bury them under the patio.

New Zealand Haka vs Tonga Sipi Tau

Rugby match between New Zealand and Tonga. The Kiwis start with the Haka, but the Tongans reply with their own war dance, the Sipi Tau... What an atmosphere! Wish Ipswich had a war dance...

Adult Swim

Adult Swim is a great program on Bravo late at night. Not a grumbleflick, but a series of fantastic 'adult-orientated' cartoons. I saw it for the first time the other night and it really made me laugh. Some of it is a bit hit and miss, but some of it is absolutely brilliant.

They had a great cartoon with a young girl asleep in her bedroom. The toothfairy flies in and removes the tooth from under her pillow. At that point, in another room, you hear her parents arguing and the little girl wakes up. She stares at the toothfairy and the toothfairy stares at her, as they both listen to the little girl's parents fighting.

A shot rings out and the mother is suddenly quiet... The toothfairy and the little girl look at each other again... the toothfairy then goes out and the little girl listens alone to the sound of fighting again. Another shot is fired and the father is suddenly quiet...

The camera never leaves the little girl's bedroom. She listens to the toothfairy get taken away by the police and is left all on her own in her bedroom for about 15 seconds.

The a marching band comes in and give the girl a certificate - "Congratulations! That was the darkest sketch ever shown!"

Absolutely brilliant. There's also Aqua Teen Hunger Force, which has nothing to do with water, teens or Hunger Force. Just a sketch with a milkshake, a meatwad and some chips. Well worth a watch, rather than that 'Make a Play' shite on ITV.

Technical Help

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If that fails, please contact our technical department.

If that fails, please revert to buying old fashioned porn from the newsagent.

Dope is as Dope does...

In the field of criminals making things really easy for the police, a bold new standard-setter has emerged – A woman in Michigan called the police after she became concerned that the dope she was smoking had been spiked with other chemicals.

Lt. Mike Pousak of the Oak Park police said: "When our officers got to the house she told them she believed the marijuana she had been smoking was laced with something other than marijuana."

According to authorities, the woman's daughter also noted that her mother had begun to suspect that her house contained demons.

On the plus side, the marijuana was indeed sent away for testing, so the woman got her request. So far, tests have managed to confirm that it's marijuana.

On the question of whether other drug users might like to take advantage of the police's helpful Pot Checking While U Wait service, Lt. Poulak suggested: "Not unless they want to be charged."

The woman has now been charged with possessing marijunana.

Britain Number 1

Interesting to hear the the British are now Europe's biggest users of cocaine... In addition to this, we are also Europe's Number 1 for teenage pregnancy, binge drinking, obesity, debt and percentage of adults in prison.

Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it.

Quick thought...

Bearing in mind that tobacco grows naturally, does a cigarette count as one of your 5 portions of fruit and veg?

Stolen from The Late Edition on BBC4 - saw it for the first time tonight and really is rather good. Well worth a watch, if anyone hasn't seen it!

Strange Things from your Childhood

People with lockjaw can now meet online















I can't wait to have kids so that I can lie to them and convince them that all sorts of outrageous things are true. So that, like me, when they are 34, they can make a complete tit of themselves by innocently mentioning something that turns out to be utter bollocks.

I was 18 before I realised that leaving the car running does NOT actually produce more petrol. But yesterday, I was getting a bit of shiatsu from Helen and she was massaging the skin bit between my thumb and forefinger. I innocently remarked that if you cut that bit of skin, you immediately get lockjaw. Which, it turns out, isn't true.

I remember as a child being terrified of lockjaw, which is a crazy thing to be scared of. Scared that you would cut your hand and that your mouth would suddenly spring open, exactly like a bear trap doesn't.

On a side note, the meridian point between the finger and thumb is linked to the lower intestine. Does that mean, therefore, that if you cut the skin, you'll get lockarse?

A Joke about Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom:

"I've got something to tell you. I'm having a baby broom."

"But that's impossible!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"

(A classic 'dad' joke if ever there was one)

Time's not been kind to Bez

Swan Sandwich

So... you're two days into Ramadan and you're hungry... What do you do? Do you go to a shop and buy some food? Or perhaps a local takeaway? Or do you go to your local park at midnight, hunt down a swan, kill it by biting through its neck and then try and take it home in a carrier bag?

Cheese Eaters are Mutants

a cheese sculpture of the Sante Maria













Interesting article about eating cheese. Apparently 61% of the global population is lactose-intolerant. The remaining 39% that CAN eat dairy products are mutants, apparently.

As someone that loves cheese, it is certainly only a matter of time therefore before I can summon lightning just by rolling my eyes. I'd prefer that than having a metal skeleton nailed onto my existing one.

Desperate Measures

I recently saw this picture outside a Church in Plymouth. I know that the Church is struggling to maintain its popularity, especially amongst young people. But I hate these attempts at giving the Church streetcred.


















What next? A reworking of Da Lord's Prayer? Me Fatha... Wot is n Hvn... Aiiii is ur name....

That's one way to end your career

I never watched Seinfeld. But Michael Richards, who played the eccentric Cosmo Kramer doesn't appear to ever want to work again after a recent appearance at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood. It appears two guys, both African-American, were in the cheap seats playfully heckling Richards when suddenly, the 'comedian' lost it...

Proof that the Council are Bastards

How to Deal with a Problem Neighbour

'Iron' Mike Tyson

What may await you at Heidi's Stud Farm







Remarkable story about former Heavyweight boxing champion and convicted rapist Mike Tyson. Apparently, he's been approached by Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss to work as an escort in her brothel. Prostitution is legal in Nevada and she has opened a legit escort firm called 'Heidi's Stud Farm'. It would appear that Iron Mike is to be her prize 'stallion'. According to Helen:

"I said, `You`re going to be my big stallion.` He said, `I don`t care what any man says, it`s every man`s dream to please every woman ... and get paid for it.` And it`s every man`s fear that their girlfriend will go for Mike Tyson"

...the New York Daily News quoted her as saying. And it would appear that women are not put off by his conviction for rape and general mysogeny; apparently she's being besieged by letters, telling her to hurry up and get him on the farm.

Smells Shit Like Little Zoe's Shorts

I refer to a recent comment by the world's funniest accountant, the extremely cleverly named Pal Pito...

.. btw I'm slowly working out who everyone is in this virtual world (eg Chez = J = SLWS, Shit=M, Liam=Prof/Farnsy, etc) and who is related to whom, eg LZ=cousin(Chez) etc... I'm half expecting to find out the Shaymus is in fact my mother... still, all adds to the fun...

I went to school with Pal, indeed he was actually head of my house. But I don't actually remember ever talking to him, except for when it was my turn to be his fag. And as I was brought up to appreciate good manners where you never talk with your mouth full, that doesn't really count.

Our brave new virtual world has so many branches but I don't think that anyone has actually seen the whole tree. Wouldn't it be fun if we could perhaps all meet up? A clashing of worlds, when blogs collide...

An absolutely 'tits' weekend

As the Mighty Shit Sandwich would say. Which means it was a good one, apparently. Shit came down to the mecca that is Plymouth and a great time was had by all. There was an awful lot of alcohol, a lot of very bad jokes (and some great ones, which I can't remember, but trust me, they were world class). Good food, good company and, as ever, there were the Sisters of Mercy.

We went to the seaside and ate a proper Cornish pasty. We went to the rather fabulous cocktail bar and then we went to the rather less fabulous Treasury bar, where we practised our 'gay' dancing and I got accosted by a grannie (again. Why is it always me?)

And then today we watched the mighty Ipswich Town stuff the budgies before he trundled back off to sunny Folkestone. A true prince amongst men, a life in the company of the shit sandwich is a life well spent indeed. May the seed of his loins be fruitful in the belly of his woman.

Parting the Bearded Clam *

* Copyright Shit Sandwich.

No, I'm not going for a '10' on the Vodafone server, this is actually about Tai Chi. Some of you may know that I've taken up Tai Chi recently and I'm currently labouring through the 8-form. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be, imagining it previously to be generally waving your hands around and saying 'Ommm' a lot.

However, that is not the problem. The problem is that every move has a Chinese name (badly translated, I expect) and some of them are really rather funny. Not least because my good lady is actually the teacher.

The first move I learnt is to 'part the wild horse's mane'. And every move has a martial application, which means that when you get good at it, you can actually use it in a fight. I can see how it would work:

Me: "If you don't watch it sonny, I'm going to part you right in the mane"
Asbo-touting Hoodie: "No! No! Not the mane!"

However, last week I was practising hard and overheard Helen teaching the more advanced 24 form:

Helen: "OK, so we go into 'cloudhands'.... Then we 'repulse the monkey'"

I have to say, I couldn't stop laughing. I just had visions of:

Monkey: "No! What are you doing with that banana? That's disgusting, I've got to EAT that..."

So I was telling this to Shit who was down this weekend, who came up with the quite brilliant title for this post. And we were discussing the martial aspect to tai chi - a little slow really for a proper fight, I expect. I had more visions of:

Me: 'I avoid the punch by 'parting the wild horses mane'... I headbutt him using 'woodpecker on amphetamines', I throw him to the floor using the 'white crane'... Then I kick him in the head while he's on the floor with 'crab going on holiday'...

And we had the idea (somehow) of tai chi for chavs, or perhaps tai chinnit. And we did come up with some great moves, including the 'running out of Primark', the 'buying your lotterys down Asdas', the 'bitchslap' and the 'driving your novas'.

I think we could be onto something.

Do... a Deer... a female (dead) deer...

Clearly the deer was asking for it.













A man is accused of having sex with the carcass of a deer that he found lying beside the road – but his lawyer denies that he committed bestiality, on the grounds that a dead deer isn't an animal any more.

20-year-old Bryan James Hathaway of Superior, Wisconsin allegedly had sex with the deer corpse after he found it on the roadside on October 11 this year. Authorities say he told police that he noticed the deer lying in a ditch, and then moved the corpse into the woods.

He is charged with 'sexual gratification with an animal' but in a magnificent piece of legal footwork, his attorney argues that he can't be guilty of that crime, because a carcass isn't an animal.

Public defender Fredric Anderson filed a motion last week which claimed: 'The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass.'

He said that if you try to include corpses in the category of 'animals', then 'you really go down a slippery slope with absurd results.' The only clear place to draw a line in the definition of what is an animal, and what isn't, was at the point of death, he argued.

He gave the example of a roast turkey – with which it would be illegal to have sex under the braoder interpretation of the law – claiming that it was unreasonable to suggest it should still be classified as an animal for the purposes of law.

In response, prosecutor James Broughner argued that a deer carcass is still an animal – pointing out that in his statement to police, Hathaway called the corpse a 'dead deer,' demonstrating that he still thought of it as an animal.

If Hathaway is convicted, he could serve up to two years in prison, because of a previous conviction in 2005 for shooting dead a horse called Bambrick. So that he could have sex with it.

Rubbing it in

Fun with Perception

A Joke about a Coma

A woman had been in a coma for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what had happened, telling him:

"Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation, it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room. A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flatlined - no pulse, no heart rate, alarms ringing; the nurses burst into the room.

"What happened?" they cried.

"I'm not sure” said the husband, “I think she choked...."

Rich Men Go Cruising for Sexy Women...

A matchmaking cruise for male millionaires and women who must be "good-looking and desirable" sets sail in China this month.

"Rich men are normally very busy, and most of the women they meet are there for work or business, which these men consider to be unsuitable for relationships," organiser Xu Tianli said.

One of the registered men, who identified himself by his surname, Sun, was confident in the match-making process. "I often find pretty women on the street, but many of the women I meet in person are not the kind to win husbands," he was quoted as saying. "Appearance is most important to me."

In other news, a breaking report of bears defecating in a forest and Pope admits 'I'm Catholic'.

The Holy Toast

It would appear a woman is selling some toast on Ebay. But this toast apparently has the Virgin Mary on it. And what's more, there's a bid on it of $99.9 million. Any offers, anyone?

Sky Sports

Sky Sports are always boasting that they are first for sports news. Often to the detriment of the actual content being right. But it seems even they are being a little presumptious, not to mention defeatist ahead of tonight's friendly with the Dutch. Two headlines on their website:

Terry Targets Dutch Win. Perhaps it might be better to target an English win?

Neville: McClaren Can't Win. (Although this has since been removed from the Sky website, so maybe even Sky felt guilty at that one.)

En-ger-land! Ho-ll-and!

I will not be watching t'football tonight as again I will be busy. And to be honest, I think I'm lucky to not have to watch it. I can't imagine that Engerland will suddenly be any good, after being shit in their previous few games.

Although Ruud Gullit did make me laugh. I liked Ruud Gullit as a player. Not only was he one of the most gifted players of his generation, he had a quite amazing moustache. However, since he stopped playing, I have to say I like him less...

"I don't know what is wrong with England," says a confused Ruud Gullit. "The Dutch have a system that works, whereas England don't."

It's hard to argue with Gullit, who can point to the 2006 World Cup, where England were knocked out in the quarter-finals and Holland made it all the way to the... erm... second round. Or Euro 2004, where both countries were knocked out by Portugal. Erm. Well then, how about the World Cup in 2002, when England again stumbled at the quarter-final stage and Holland... Oh. Didn't qualify.

Yes, if only we had a system that works as well as the Dutch, all our problems would be over.

I am predicting a dull match, with England once again failing to raise to the occasion. I don't know if we'll lose... But expect a low-scoring match from the English perspective. I wouldn't be surprised to see Beckham back in the next squad if things don't go well here.

Tumbleweed

No, it's not a new Dr Who spin-off, more what's been on White Spirit recently... I've been as busy as a really studious thing in really quite industrious season. Hence the lack of posts. Of all the possible reasons there could be, which one do you think is the most likely?

1. I've been spending all my time at the Salvation Army, handing out soup to the homeless;

2. I was kidnapped by the Plymouth Triads, only managing to escape during the daring rescue / bloodbath that ensued;

3. I've been enjoying a well-earned break at Her Majesty's pleasure (I mean nicked by the rozzers, not going down on the Queen);

4. I've been working too hard and have also been going out too much.

Yes, 10 points if you chose number 4. But, gentle reader, do not fear... This new-found 'working too hard' and 'being popular' is only a temporary setback; normal service will soon be resumed.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yup, today is my 34th birthday. Funny how these things sneak up on you. And because I don't know when anyone else's birthday is, I didn't feel too bad when almost everyone forgot.

Admittedly, I hadn't really made that big a deal of it. But I did perhaps make the mistake of having a joint birthday celebration with one of my other friends, and I must admit to feeling a bit jealous that she was getting cards and I wasn't... Even from our joint friends... Bastards.

But it did make me realise that it's nice to have your birthday remembered, if even via an email or a phone call. So if everyone would like to let me know when their birthday is, I will promise to do my best at remembering it.

Grrrrrammar rant...

Every day I walk past a little cafe and it irritates me. It's in Sutton, and they've called it Sutton Snax's. That's just so wrong on so many levels. I mean for a start, how the hell do you pronounce it? Snackses? I could understand Snax, in a txt spk sort of way. But to chuck on both an S AND an apostrophe is just plain bizarre.

And today I got a letter from a girl wanting a job... And bearing in mind, this is someone who is 30, not a 17-year old school leaver, and it was written on a computer. I have written it here exactly as it appeared on the letter:

"Are you looking for a self motivated and someone who thrives on a challenge? I'am currently looking for a rewarding career in Mortgage Sales, I have a wealth of knowledge. especially in the adverse Mortgage Market. I have moved down very recently from Scotland and is a permanent move, the reason for an employment break. I'am studying for cemap qualifications from home and is totaly self funded, however I need the right job to compliment this..."

It's a shame - I bet she'd be really good at her job. But I could never employ her. With all the paperwork that we have to do, I just couldn't trust her. I am amazed that she doesn't know the difference between a full stop and a comma; or the difference between I am - I'm and actually uses the bastardization of I'am....

I don't know... It takes 10 seconds to run a spell-checker. And there are mistakes on her CV as well - proffesional, was the worst of the lot.

I know that there are plenty of people that cannot spell and haven't been taught correct grammar usage; I also know there are plenty of people that are dyslexic and simply cannot help the fact they can't spell. But sorry, now that every computer has a spellchecker, I'm old school on this. In a previous life I was a manager in charge of 80 people. I would get hundreds of CVs sent through. If a CV had more than one spelling mistake in it, it went straight in the bin. Not because they couldn't spell - I would happily employ someone with dyslexia, if they used a spellchecker. I wouldn't employ them because it just showed a total lack of attention to detail.

I know that today's teachers are not really pushing grammar and spelling in the way they used to... But I also know telling kids that spelling and grammar is not important is NOT preparing them for the outside world. Because I sure as hell won't employ someone who would send a letter to the outside world written like that.

Bush the Human Beatbox

Just when you thought it was safe...

Every time I've ever been to Brighton, I've seen Jordan. Everyone I've ever known that has been to Brighton has seen Jordan. Some celebrities shun the spotlight. Not Jordan. The last time I saw her in Brighton, she was pushing a pram down the high street, dressed entirely in pink leather. Am I the only person in Britain to think that Jordan is as rough as a three-quid handjob?

So I am not at all surprised to hear that Jordan and the thick as shit Peter Andre are releasing a record... Think that's bad? It's an album of love songs. And they are duets...

Do they really think that anyone is actually going to buy it for any other reason than as a joke Xmas present? Or perhaps with the same morbid curiosity that makes people stare at traffic accidents? I can't work them out. Do they really take themselves as seriously as they appear to? Or is just one ironic big wind-up...

One last thing... Did anyone see their duet on Children in Need? Think that was bad? Do you want to know what it sounded like BEFORE the sound engineers did their magic? Click here to hear it in its full glory. I'm warning you, this should have an 18 certificate.

The All New Smells Like White Spirit

The more observant of you will notice that I've given White Spirit a face lift. But I've done more than just change the colour...

I've added a whole new section in the sidebar. I've spent all night categorising all the posts, so you can now search the archives by topic. Want to see every video I've ever posted? Just click on 'videos'. Under pressure to be funny? Just click on 'Jokes'

The things I do to make your White Spirit experience a better one. I hope you like it.

**UPDATE** I decided to ditch the red background after taking advice from a 'design expert' (thanks Carrie). Apparently it makes it difficult to read (or should I say more difficult than it already is). I wouldn't want to make any of you go blind (insert own joke here), so I've reverted back to the black. Although I have sneaked some red in.

Attack of the Sprouts

It's Christmas Dinner... And the sprouts are intent on ruining it for you. Can you stop the sprouts from ruining Christmas??

Attack of the Sprouts

My top score so far is 1290. Can you beat it? No cheating with Photoshop...

Mind Fuck Pictures Part 3

Stare at the 4 little dots on the middle of the picture for 30 seconds... Then look at a wall near you... A bright spot will appear... Who do you see?

Mind Fuck Pictures Part 2

Keep your eyes on the cross in the middle of the circle... You'll see a green dot shooting round the circle. Keep looking... and suddenly all the dots magically disappear...

Mind Fuck Pictures Part 1

Can you see them moving?

Autobiographies

On my list of things to do before I die is to write an autobiography. Although I don't hold high hopes for this, due to the fact that I can't remember what I did yesterday, let alone 20 years ago. I knew I should have kept a diary.

But I do have a title for it... I used to do a bit of online dating. I shall use my 'tagline' as the title. It read:

"Are you The One? Or will you end up under the patio like all the others?"

Incredibly, I actually used to get people contact me, even though I was basically implying I would murder them if it didn't work out.

But my cousin has sent me some autobiographies that I would read...