Tuesday, October 31, 2006
My Mother will be so proud.
Sent an email to my cousin who works at Vodafone, with a link to the blog. The email got cut out by their systems, because it scored a 9 on the offensive scale.
Now whilst I was obviously quite proud of that, I think if I try a bit harder, I can hit that elusive 10. Although, bearing in mind in recent posts I have written about bestiality, necrophilia, space-docking (thanks, Little Zoe), the Queen as an insect and the Pope being the Antichrist, I don't quite know how much more offensive I can be without actually getting arrested / locked up in the tower and / or Vatican / placed on the sexual offenders register.
Anyone have any ideas?
Now whilst I was obviously quite proud of that, I think if I try a bit harder, I can hit that elusive 10. Although, bearing in mind in recent posts I have written about bestiality, necrophilia, space-docking (thanks, Little Zoe), the Queen as an insect and the Pope being the Antichrist, I don't quite know how much more offensive I can be without actually getting arrested / locked up in the tower and / or Vatican / placed on the sexual offenders register.
Anyone have any ideas?
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Super Blues
Alan Lee, Hat-trick heroAfter today's fantastic result, which I watched on Sky, I've now reset my clocks to Suffolk time - 5 to Ipswich. What a performance! I haven't seen the Blues play that well in quite some time.
Billy Clarke looks a massive prospect - let's hope we manage to keep him for the time being, at least. And 'Monica' Legwinski has recaptured the sort of form that made him so popular at Fulham. Our new signing Roberts looks like he's going to be a handful. And of course, my namesake Alan Lee (Lee, being the namesake, not Alan) got a deserved hattrick.
One thing that struct me as bizarre. Everyone always talks about 'keeping a clean sheet'. It actually struck me watching the match that that's a rather unsavoury metaphor, if you think about it. If you let a goal in and don't 'keep a clean sheet', it makes it sound like you've shit the bed.
But anyway, what a perfect 24 hours. I spent all day yesterday cleaning my house, so my house is sparkling... I've got the girl of my dreams... Norwich lost 5-1... And I watched my team win 5-0 with a masterclass in football. Right. I'm off to buy a lottery ticket. You never know.
But I do know that if my smile gets any broader, my head is going to fall off.
A Joke about Suicide
A guy walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
"Fuck Off" says the librarian, "You'll never bring it back"
(Again, courtesy of my lovely sister)
"Fuck Off" says the librarian, "You'll never bring it back"
(Again, courtesy of my lovely sister)
A Joke about Michael Jackson
Undertakers have announced that when Michael Jackson dies he will be melted down to make plastic toys, so kids can play with him for a change.
(Courtesy of my lovely sister)
The Blues go green...
Project ambassador and club skipper, Jason de Vos with chairman, David Sheepshanks. Ipswich Town Football Club has started an initiative to make itself the first ever carbon neutral football club.
With the support of main sponsor E.ON, the Defra Climate Challenge Fund, and CRed, the 'Save your energy for the Blues' carbon reduction programme aims to help tackle the issue of climate change. The season long initiative is the first project of its kind anywhere in the UK.
The scheme also aims to help the club, Ipswich Town fans and the wider Suffolk Community understand and tackle climate change through informing, challenging and changing people's attitudes.
I think this is a great scheme. Whilst people's political, emotional and even religious persuasions can change, your football club is for life. When a politician talks about green issues, no one really listens. I really hope though that this will make even the most apolitical of people stand up and take note. I hope that this scheme is the first of many, and I'm proud that the Tractor Boys are leading the field for once!
Grinning like Bonnie Langford
Some of you may know that for some considerable time I've had a bit of a crush on someone down here in Plymouth. Well tonight, we finally hit it off and it's official. I'm grinning like Bonnie Langford.
She's the nicest person I've ever met, in fact I was blown away by her the very first time I met her. It's rare that you meet someone that has that sort of impact on you, where you think 'Wow! I have GOT to get to know YOU...'
But don't worry, gentle reader, this blog will not turn into a love-in and I will still be posting the same old crap that I always do. I'm just bouncing off the ceiling, it's nearly 2 in the morning and I had to share it with someone before I explode.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Jimmy Jangle
This is quite simply genius, by those clever chaps over at Rathergood.com. You'll be singing this all day.
Hell hath no fury..
You've got to feel sorry for Stefan Postma. A ditched girlfriend has posted a homemade sex video of the ex-Aston Villa goalkeeper on the internet. But not just any old video... In the video, he is shown being 'pleasured' by the girl with a large strap-on.
She originally put the video on Ebay where he got into a bidding war with a Sunday tabloid, but he managed to outbid them and won. He thought that was the end of it, but apparently she wasn't satisfied. Unlike him, it would appear...
His agent released a statement, which raised a childish chuckle:
"This would not happen in Holland, but in England it is different. Stefan had a girlfriend who was not the right choice, but we hope it is all behind us now"
Apparently a Dutch website showing the video subsequently crashed due to overuse, while a television station was deluged with complaints after a clip was broadcast.
I've never made a video with a girl. I certainly wouldn't make one with me being buggered (not that I'm into that, you understand). Particularly not if I was famous. That is really asking for trouble.
Apparently, the player was on the brink of signing for Ipswich before the scandal hit. I am so pleased he didn't. We town fans have taken it up the arse for too long, we don't need the players doing it too.
She originally put the video on Ebay where he got into a bidding war with a Sunday tabloid, but he managed to outbid them and won. He thought that was the end of it, but apparently she wasn't satisfied. Unlike him, it would appear...
His agent released a statement, which raised a childish chuckle:
"This would not happen in Holland, but in England it is different. Stefan had a girlfriend who was not the right choice, but we hope it is all behind us now"
Apparently a Dutch website showing the video subsequently crashed due to overuse, while a television station was deluged with complaints after a clip was broadcast.
I've never made a video with a girl. I certainly wouldn't make one with me being buggered (not that I'm into that, you understand). Particularly not if I was famous. That is really asking for trouble.
Apparently, the player was on the brink of signing for Ipswich before the scandal hit. I am so pleased he didn't. We town fans have taken it up the arse for too long, we don't need the players doing it too.
Friday, October 27, 2006
The Girl is Mine...
Regular readers of White Spirit will have heard the quite fantastic Richard Cheese doing his unique swing rendition of Slipknot's People Equal Shit. That was hilarious in itself, but I have a new favourite Richard Cheese song. He has done a rendition of Michael Jackson's The Girl is Mine. A duet with a very, very special guest...
More secrets of the Royals.
new portrait of Queen Elizabeth, currently in the Tate ModernGreat typo by Reuters a couple of days ago... A rather dull story about bees was brought to life by a rather overzealous spellchecker. I quote:
"With its highly evolved social structure of tens of thousands of worker bees commanded by Queen Elizabeth, the honey bee genome could also improve the search for genes linked to behavior" (I wish the Americans would learn to spell).
It goes on to finally explain the reason why the Queen has ruled for so long:
"Queen Elizabeth has 10 times the lifespan of workers and lays 2,000 eggs a day".
No wonder she's looking a bit tired these days.
The World's Most Stupid Criminal?
I really like this one. So a burglar decides to steal some computers from a shop, which seems like a good idea. But our master criminal decided to rob a CCTV camera shop, where he was filmed by over a dozen demonstration CCTV cameras. And unfortunately for him, the computers were bolted down.
After a while he appeared to notice that the store was filled with security cameras, because then he pulled his coat over his head. Although this devious criminal mastercut was slightly undone by the fact that he also kept going up to the cameras and staring straight into them.
His next masterstroke was executed flawlessly, as he took $250 from the cash register and hid in some nearby bushes until the police arrived. The police arrested him after a short chase, after they saw him hiding in the bushes.
I don't want to take the piss... No really, I don't
Strange goings on in New Malden, London. A family were having a lovely meal together at a Pizza restaurant when a man walked into the restaurant and threw a clear plastic bag filled with urine over the family and their table. He then walked straight out again.
Police are looking for a scruffy black male, about 5ft 6in, wearing a blue anorak and a red and white scarf, who may have a tendency to carry clear bags of urine around with him to throw at people.
Police are looking for a scruffy black male, about 5ft 6in, wearing a blue anorak and a red and white scarf, who may have a tendency to carry clear bags of urine around with him to throw at people.
Crimes Against Nature...
Just when you think you can't be shocked any more, you read a story that just makes you think again. A guy in America (where else?) is being charged with having sex with a dog. But not just any dog. With a dead dog. Think that's bad? It gets worse.
Not only was the dog dead, it had been dead for four or five days. Think that's bad? Keep reading... Not only was the dog dead and had been for four or five days, it was also in the street. In full view of a day care centre.
The day care centre had called the police to get rid of the dog, and they turned up as Mr Kuch was in full swing. So not only was he witnessed by the staff at the day care centre, he was also spotted by the rozzers too.
And incredibly, that's still not all. They caught him hiding in his girlfriend's attic (yes, he has a girlfriend, which is amazing in itself) and it turned out that the dog was his girlfriend's dog. There is no word on whether he'd been grooming the dog before the incident, though.
But it's not just dogs that are in this week's news, there's also been some 'horse'play both in the US and also here in the UK. But as ever, we Brits just lack the sexual imagination of our foreign counterparts. Ours (who had the dubious honour of being banned from every field in Britain) just had sex with the horse. The American covered himself in olive oil, rolled around in oats and then encouraged the horses to lick the oats off him. Apparently it had been a long-standing fantasy of his. Now that's imagination.
However, the most disturbing story I came across today (and I promise I haven't been googling 'animal sex and necrophilia') was the story of three young men (again in the US) who were arrested for trying to dig up a grave in order to have sex with a corpse. Now that's pretty shocking in itself, but that's not the really incredible thing. They were caught red-handed by the rozzers and they admitted exactly what they were up to. They'd even bought condoms. The most amazing thing about this story is that the sexual assault charges were droppped because there is no law in the US that outlaws necrophilia. If ever there was a real meaning to the phrase 'perverting the course of justice', this story is definitely it.
Not only was the dog dead, it had been dead for four or five days. Think that's bad? Keep reading... Not only was the dog dead and had been for four or five days, it was also in the street. In full view of a day care centre.
The day care centre had called the police to get rid of the dog, and they turned up as Mr Kuch was in full swing. So not only was he witnessed by the staff at the day care centre, he was also spotted by the rozzers too.
And incredibly, that's still not all. They caught him hiding in his girlfriend's attic (yes, he has a girlfriend, which is amazing in itself) and it turned out that the dog was his girlfriend's dog. There is no word on whether he'd been grooming the dog before the incident, though.
But it's not just dogs that are in this week's news, there's also been some 'horse'play both in the US and also here in the UK. But as ever, we Brits just lack the sexual imagination of our foreign counterparts. Ours (who had the dubious honour of being banned from every field in Britain) just had sex with the horse. The American covered himself in olive oil, rolled around in oats and then encouraged the horses to lick the oats off him. Apparently it had been a long-standing fantasy of his. Now that's imagination.
However, the most disturbing story I came across today (and I promise I haven't been googling 'animal sex and necrophilia') was the story of three young men (again in the US) who were arrested for trying to dig up a grave in order to have sex with a corpse. Now that's pretty shocking in itself, but that's not the really incredible thing. They were caught red-handed by the rozzers and they admitted exactly what they were up to. They'd even bought condoms. The most amazing thing about this story is that the sexual assault charges were droppped because there is no law in the US that outlaws necrophilia. If ever there was a real meaning to the phrase 'perverting the course of justice', this story is definitely it.
Please, somebody rescue me...
You may have noticed I've been a little quiet on the blog front recently. I've done something very, very stupid.
About 4 or 5 years ago, I bought a game for my computer called 'Championship Manager'. For those of you that don't know it, it's a football management game. Obviously I chose to be the manager of the mighty Tractor Boys, and I was rather successful. Not only did I get them promoted into the Premiership, I also won the Premiership in my 2nd season up. I did the Premiership and Champions League double the year after that. My team included Figo (back when he was good), Kluivert (ditto), van Nistelrooy, Zidane, Beckham, Nesta and various other world superstars, and we were pretty much unbeatable. Bearing in mind the real Ipswich Town were getting twatted week in, week out, it was a welcome relief from the 'real' world.
The problem was, though, it was just so fucking addictive it ended up taking over my life. I keep a record of how much business I do at work each month. If you were to put it in a graph, you could actually see on the date I bought the game that my work rate plummeted. In the end, in a moment of sanity, I actually had to force myself to throw the game away, and I'm ashamed to say that I also had to physically force myself to not buy it again.
So, recently I was in Tescos and I saw there's a new version out. And I thought hey, I'm mature now, I'm in control of my life. I can buy it, play it every now and then and it will all be ok. I won't let it take over my life again like it did last time. I can handle it.
WRONG. I've played it every night since I got it til 2am. Arse. Although I am top of the Championship and promotion is looking very likely. But it's just so fucking addictive, it's always just one more game...
If no one has heard from me by the middle of next week, can someone please come to Plymouth and prise the thing out of my fingers and smash it. Please. You'll be doing me a BIG favour.
Monday, October 23, 2006
"Stop Grieving, it's only a chicken"
Bizarre story on the BBC website about Liverpool residents laying flowers for a dead chicken. With a great quote from the local rozzers...
Titfuck Bumble...
Regular readers will know that I am a lifelong fan of the mighty Ipswich Town. We are currently in the midst of what is commonly known as a 'transitional' season, ie we're a bit crap at the moment but will hopefully get better. At least we have now come out of administration.
And the new manager, our ex-skipper Magic Jim Magilton, has no experience as a manager and was chosen almost entirely because he is cheap. But to be fair to him, he's not doing too badly. We are currently moping around in mid-table and have had a mixed bag of results. I don't expect us to be in trouble come the end of the season, but I think there are quite a few teams better (or more consistent) than us, so I doubt we'll be going for promotion either.
Our biggest problem appears to be in defence, so it was with interest that I read in this weekend's redtops that we appear to be interested in signing one of our old boys, Newcastle centre-half Titus Bramble.
There was a time when we appeared to be the Newcastle reserve team, with many of our players being signed by ex-Ipswich legend Sir Bobby Robson. Titfuck Bumble, as he is affectionately known, was one of those, and we sold him to the toon for £6m. Apparently we would get him for £500k.
Although he is error-prone, on his day he is one of the best defenders around. I remember watching him against Inter in the Eufa Cup when he marked Christian Vieri completely out of the game. He was an absolute collosus in that game. However, I also remember him in the return leg when Vieri got a hat-trick where he was not so much collosus as calamitous. Therein lies the wonder of Mr Bumble. But I for one would be more than happy to have him back.
On a separate note, he is yet another player to suffer the curse of leaving Ipswich Town. It always happens... Players either join us or come through the ranks and play really, really well... And then when they get sold, they just do not seem to be able to play at the same level. I can think of hardly any players that have left Ipswich for so-called bigger clubs that have gone on to do well, Darren Bent being the notable exception.
In recent years, there was Matt Holland - inspirational for us, never missed a game. Bit-part player for Charlton; Kuqi - 20 goals a season for us, sold to Blackburn where he was crap, now rubbish at Palace; Bumble; Kieron Dyer - electric for us, distinctly average at the toon, when he's not injured; Darren Ambrose - scored for fun with us, could barely get a game at toon, now can't even get into the squad at Charlton; Tommy Miller - scored 20 a season for us from Midfield, can't hit a cow's arse with a banjo for Sunderland; Marcus Stewart - same as Tommy Miller, now with Yeovil. Richard Wright - future England goalkeeper with us, but left for Arsenal and now is 3rd choice keeper at Everton. And that's to name but a few.
I don't know if we are just extremely good at getting the best out of mediocre players, or whether they just miss us and pine. Mr Cobbold, when he was chairman was once asked (after a particularly bad run of results) whether Ipswich was in crisis. He replied "Crisis? The only time we have a crisis is when we run out of white wine in the boardroom". I would like to think that is perhaps part of the reason why players don't settle as well at other clubs. Ipswich has always done things the 'Ipswich Way'. We know we're a small club. A small club, with a big history. And perhaps there is a little bit less pressure, a bit more realism of what we can - and can't - achieve.
And the new manager, our ex-skipper Magic Jim Magilton, has no experience as a manager and was chosen almost entirely because he is cheap. But to be fair to him, he's not doing too badly. We are currently moping around in mid-table and have had a mixed bag of results. I don't expect us to be in trouble come the end of the season, but I think there are quite a few teams better (or more consistent) than us, so I doubt we'll be going for promotion either.
Our biggest problem appears to be in defence, so it was with interest that I read in this weekend's redtops that we appear to be interested in signing one of our old boys, Newcastle centre-half Titus Bramble.
There was a time when we appeared to be the Newcastle reserve team, with many of our players being signed by ex-Ipswich legend Sir Bobby Robson. Titfuck Bumble, as he is affectionately known, was one of those, and we sold him to the toon for £6m. Apparently we would get him for £500k.
Although he is error-prone, on his day he is one of the best defenders around. I remember watching him against Inter in the Eufa Cup when he marked Christian Vieri completely out of the game. He was an absolute collosus in that game. However, I also remember him in the return leg when Vieri got a hat-trick where he was not so much collosus as calamitous. Therein lies the wonder of Mr Bumble. But I for one would be more than happy to have him back.
On a separate note, he is yet another player to suffer the curse of leaving Ipswich Town. It always happens... Players either join us or come through the ranks and play really, really well... And then when they get sold, they just do not seem to be able to play at the same level. I can think of hardly any players that have left Ipswich for so-called bigger clubs that have gone on to do well, Darren Bent being the notable exception.
In recent years, there was Matt Holland - inspirational for us, never missed a game. Bit-part player for Charlton; Kuqi - 20 goals a season for us, sold to Blackburn where he was crap, now rubbish at Palace; Bumble; Kieron Dyer - electric for us, distinctly average at the toon, when he's not injured; Darren Ambrose - scored for fun with us, could barely get a game at toon, now can't even get into the squad at Charlton; Tommy Miller - scored 20 a season for us from Midfield, can't hit a cow's arse with a banjo for Sunderland; Marcus Stewart - same as Tommy Miller, now with Yeovil. Richard Wright - future England goalkeeper with us, but left for Arsenal and now is 3rd choice keeper at Everton. And that's to name but a few.
I don't know if we are just extremely good at getting the best out of mediocre players, or whether they just miss us and pine. Mr Cobbold, when he was chairman was once asked (after a particularly bad run of results) whether Ipswich was in crisis. He replied "Crisis? The only time we have a crisis is when we run out of white wine in the boardroom". I would like to think that is perhaps part of the reason why players don't settle as well at other clubs. Ipswich has always done things the 'Ipswich Way'. We know we're a small club. A small club, with a big history. And perhaps there is a little bit less pressure, a bit more realism of what we can - and can't - achieve.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
A Tale of Family Bravery
I'm in Ipswich this weekend for a wedding. I've been having a look at some old photos, and I found one of Little Zoe when she was younger. Regular readers of Smells Like White Spirit will be familiar with Little Zoe, my cousin, who did so well as guest editor when I was on holiday earlier this month.
What you won't be aware of is her bravery. Bravery that she is herself far too modest to tell. Because, dear reader, Little Zoe is called 'Little Zoe' for a reason. On account of the fact that she was born with no legs. Instead, she was born with frog-like flippers.
Her parents did their best to camouflage her unique condition, as this photo shows:
Fortunately for her (but unfortunately for the UK Olympic swimming team), as she reached maturity, the flippers grew into proper legs and she is now more or less 'normal'. Although I haven't seen her in the much-hyped shorts, so there may still be tinges of green.
I just want to say "Little Zoe (or 'Frogger' as she is affectionately known within the family), you are an inspiration to us all.
What you won't be aware of is her bravery. Bravery that she is herself far too modest to tell. Because, dear reader, Little Zoe is called 'Little Zoe' for a reason. On account of the fact that she was born with no legs. Instead, she was born with frog-like flippers.
Her parents did their best to camouflage her unique condition, as this photo shows:
Fortunately for her (but unfortunately for the UK Olympic swimming team), as she reached maturity, the flippers grew into proper legs and she is now more or less 'normal'. Although I haven't seen her in the much-hyped shorts, so there may still be tinges of green.
I just want to say "Little Zoe (or 'Frogger' as she is affectionately known within the family), you are an inspiration to us all.
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