Feeling a bit of an Ass

The Happy Couple










A man who was found dressed in latex and handcuffs brought a donkey to his room in a Galway city centre hotel, because he was advised "to get out and meet people," the local court heard last week.

Thomas Aloysius McCarney was charged with cruelty to animals, lewd and obscene behaviour, and with being a danger to himself when he appeared before the court on Friday. He was also charged with damage to a mini-bar in the room, but this charge was later dropped when the defendant said that it was the donkey who caused that damage.

The Solicitor for the accused, Ms Sharon Fitzhenry, said that her client had been through a difficult time lately and that his wife had left him and that his life had become increasingly lonely.

"Mr McCarney has been attending counselling at which he was told that he would be advised to get out and meet people and do interesting things. It was this advice that saw him book into the city centre hotel with a donkey," she said. She added that Mr McCarney also suffered from a fixation with the Shrek movies and could constantly be heard at work talking to himself saying things like, "Isn't that right, Donkey?"

Goodbye to the Normals

The Gore-y Truth

Nothing like the taste of old-fashioned hypocrisy to make your blood boil, is there? A couple of days after Al Gore won an Oscar for his documentary 'An Inconsiderate Truth', it turns out he isn't exactly living by his own standards.

The Tennessee Center for Policy Research, an independent, nonprofit and nonpartisan research organization, issued a press release late Monday. Here it is in full:

Last night, Al Gore’s global-warming documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, collected an Oscar for best documentary feature, but the Tennessee Center for Policy Research has found that Gore deserves a gold statue for hypocrisy.

Gore’s mansion, [20-room, eight-bathroom] located in the posh Belle Meade area of Nashville, consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year, according to the Nashville Electric Service (NES).

In his documentary, the former Vice President calls on Americans to conserve energy by reducing electricity consumption at home.

The average household in America consumes 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, according to the Department of Energy. In 2006, Gore devoured nearly 221,000 kWh—more than 20 times the national average.

Last August alone, Gore burned through 22,619 kWh—guzzling more than twice the electricity in one month than an average American family uses in an entire year. As a result of his energy consumption, Gore’s average monthly electric bill topped $1,359.

Since the release of An Inconvenient Truth, Gore’s energy consumption has increased from an average of 16,200 kWh per month in 2005, to 18,400 kWh per month in 2006.

Gore’s extravagant energy use does not stop at his electric bill. Natural gas bills for Gore’s mansion and guest house averaged $1,080 per month last year.

“As the spokesman of choice for the global warming movement, Al Gore has to be willing to walk to walk, not just talk the talk, when it comes to home energy use,” said Tennessee Center for Policy Research President Drew Johnson.

In total, Gore paid nearly $30,000 in combined electricity and natural gas bills for his Nashville estate in 2006.

It feels a bit like me ranting about everyone should be vegetarian, then nipping home for a sweet and sour kitten. I know he's raising awareness, although I suspect that is mainly back-slapping, as if by merely seeing the film immediately makes you more environmentally-friendly. I just wish he'd done something about it when he WAS in a position of power as Vice President, when he could have legally changed American environmental policy. Rather than drowning us all in a pool of his own crocodile tears.

Suspect Role Models

In a moment of spectacular blindness that even Arsene Wenger would have been proud of, Sports Minister Richard Caborn has praised the Arsenal and Chelsea players for their restraint in Sunday's Carling Cup Final.

"I've said many times that what happens on the park on a Saturday happens in the playground on Monday," Caborn said. "Sunday showed the youngsters that it is possible to have a disagreement without resorting to physical violence. We hope they follow the Arsenal and Chelsea's players lead by arguing passively - without punches being thrown or anyone getting hurt, let alone seriously injured. At a time when the use of guns and knives is rife in Britain's school playgrounds, it was a great example to be followed."

I'm not sure whether Sports minister Richard Caborn watched the same game as me on Sunday, but 3 people got sent off and two more got booked in a mass brawl. Both clubs have now been charged by the FA with bringing the game into disrepute. Nice to see the politicians are still keeping in touch with what's going on in the world.

Threat of the Year

I bet Polish Prime Minister Jaroslaw Kaczynski didn't know whether to laugh or be scared when he received an anonymous letter containing three bullets, threatening "you, your mother and the cat".

A Joke about Bush

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. Kennedy kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All Blair did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared.

"No!" Bush said. "I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!"

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms tied to stakes over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said... "OK Monica, you're free to go."

Maths Tests

Thanks for the Mammaries.

So Anna Nicole Smith has been found dead, having said she wanted to go out like Marilyn... Well, Marilyn Monroe actually had a career. I never actually worked out what ANS actually did? Apart from the odd grumble flick and marrying an 89-year old oil billionaire, what else is she famous for? Selling her soul for pretty much any publicity she can get, no matter how low... I can't think of anyone that has courted publicity in the same way she has.

Don't believe me? Did you know that you can actually watch Anna Nicole Smith having a Caesarian Section on Youtube?

I used to be...

When it's OK to say 'Fuck'

A Joke about Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths" the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

Actual Call Centre Conversations.

Travel Centre
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

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Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

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Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".


Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".


A man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

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IT Help Desk
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".


Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

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Word Perfect Helpline
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing?"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall".
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark?"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Operator: "Tell them you're too STUPID to own a computer."

Taking the Michael

A pub has sparked fury by serving a 'Barrymore Pie' - and describing it on the menu as: "Faggots swimming in gravy." Gay rights groups called for the dish to be scrapped at Mad O'Rourke's Pie Factory. But defiant boss Peter Towler vowed to keep the crusty favourite on his menu at the pub in Tipton, West Midlands. The 47-year-old said: "It's been on the menu six years during which time I have had hundreds of thousands of customers and not a single complaint. Why don't these people worry about something important - like the National Health Service"

Oh Goody

Seems like Jade Goody has decided to convert to Islam in an attempt to overcome her recent racist slurs. From now on, she will be known as Yafat Fuqa.

The Saltmills Angels

Here is a pic of my friend Anna hard at work with her friends Lina & Vanessa. In the background, you can just see the sign 'Friday is Pieday', and indeed it is. Every Friday, they make the best pies I've had in ages. As well as ice cream smoothies, oh yes, that's certainly something I'll be trying when I get home.














And it's my last full day today, I'm flying home tomorrow. Where did the time go? But I've thoroughly enjoyed it, it's been great to catch up with Anna again and make sure she's alright. And she looks happier than I've seen her in ages, which is fabulous. I can report back home that everything is ok and she's got some great friends out here. It's a great life out here. You walk into any bar and you're guaranteed to see someone you know.

I've been snorkelling, kayaking and sailing. I've practiced tai chi on a moonlit beach. I've walked about 50 miles these last 2 weeks. I've been swimming with a turtle, I've seen pelicans, a couple of storks, 2 hummingbirds (which bizarrely look like flying seahorses), 2 sharks and a million lizards. I've met some great people and I've been bumped and ground by the local girls. But most of all, I've had a deeply relaxing holiday and am feeling full of beans. I just hope it's not too cold when I get back.

3 Days to Go...

Yup. It's gone mega quick, but I only have three days left out here. I'm sure someone nicked a week while I wasn't looking. But at least the weather has returned to being brilliant. Today I went snorkelling for the first time and swam with a turtle, although sadly it wasn't one of the teenage ninja variety. But still pretty damn brilliant. It's going to be hard coming back, I can tell you.

Get Under the Bed, Doggy...

Anyone remember Silvio Berlusconi's 'roasting' of poor Sheva back in December? For those that don't, Berlusconi is the owner of AC Milan and also Godfather (ahem) to Andriy Shevchenko's children. And when Sheva decided to leave Milan for the mega money on offer at Chelsea, Mr Berlusconi was not best pleased. Particularly at the rumours that Sheva didn't want to go, but was convinced by his American wife to move to London. Anyway, the roasting from Berlusconi:

"A true Milanista and a real man would not have behaved like this. At my home I'm in charge and decide what happens. Instead, when Shevchenko's wife shouts, he runs under the bed like a lap-dog."

Yesterday, in response to his wife's demands for an apology after he was overheard propositioning a couple of showgirls at a gala dinner, Mr Berlusconi issued the following press statement:

"Dear Veronica, here's my apology. Forgive me, I beg you. And take this public show of my private pride giving in to your fury as an act of love. One of many."

A true Milanista and a real man.

This is a weird one...

All over the news here at the moment, I don't know if it's been picked up at all in the UK. But bloody weird. A 29-year old guy enrolled in a school in the US, posing as a 12-year old. Apparently it took nearly 2 months before anyone noticed. And when they busted him, it turned out he was living with two paedophiles, who both also believed him to be a 12-year old boy. And when they found out he was 29, apparently they were absolutely furious at being 'conned'. All very scary, but I think the only charges they're facing at the moment is identity theft...

Thoughts of the Day (& Night)

Today I saw a hummingbird. And surprisingly enough, they do actually hum when they fly. And hooray! The clouds have gone and it was bastard hot today, about 90. I spent a rather fab day walking up and down the beach, wading in the sea, and had a lunch of fish tea in a little beachside bar. Well, it was called Fish Tea, but was more like fish soup, really. I was quite disappointed, so may have to experiment with PG Tips and various fish when I get home.

Last night around midnight, Anna had gone to bed and I was wide awake. So I went down the beach, which is only about 50 yards from Anna's house. It was full moon and so bright, I could have taken a book with me. I stayed on the beach for a couple of hours, doing a bit of tai chi, as the waves crashed around me. Pretty amazing, I will almost certainly be doing it again tonight!

Oh, and I've stopped smoking too. So all in all, life is pretty good right now!

Inside the Triangle

Apparently, I'm currently inside the Bermuda Triangle, and we're the only place that's actually inside it. How's about that? I didn't even know. I'll keep a look out on the flight home for UFOs and suchlike.

Oh, and I saw two sharks yesterday. And a moth the size of a pigeon.

Bugger. It's Cloudy.

Which reminds me of a radio ad they're playing here to raise AIDS awareness, called 'Ouch! It hurts!'. Which is in my opinion a rather bizarre name for an AIDS awareness campaign. Perhaps 'Arse! I'm dying!' might be slightly more fitting. But I digress.

Yes, we've had two (two!) cloudy days now, and the sun isn't shining. And so far my tan has progressed from blue to white, but I was hoping to at least reach salmon before I got back. But it's not all bad, it's given me an opportunity to practice my tai chi.

I am now able to part a wild horse's mane, spread a white crane's wings and do a Brezhnian Press (really called a Brush Knee & Press, but I prefer the Russian alternative). Although I may get deported for the first two if I try them outside. But you have no idea how thrilled I am at having been able to learn how to do these. Just goes to show that I do still have a memory of sorts and I will soon be able to fulfil a lifetime ambition of mine, of doing tai chi by the water, like Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse. If I carry on like this, I'll be repulsing monkeys before I know it.

Happy Birthday!

Butter wouldn't melt.
















May I be the first to wish my friend Carrie a fantastic birthday. I'm not sure exactly how old she's going to be (ahem), but in her words, let's just say she's 30 + VAT. Have a good night tonight, babe, and have one on me!

Surprise!

I ate meat yesterday for the first time in about 8 months. It was chicken. And it wasn't for any Paul Wellerian reasons ("I was fucking hungry"), it was sneaked into my seafood surprise. Obviously that was the surprise. Needless to say, I wasn't happy. But what surprised me most of all was that it made me want to be sick. Occasionally when I see someone eating a fillet steak or parma ham, I do miss it. But eating that bit of chicken has just made me realise why I stopped eating meat in the first place.

Another Day in Paradise...

So yesterday, it was so cold I had to put on a T shirt. Not that I'm expecting any sympathy from any of you, particularly those of you in the UK where it's brass monkey. But today it's another glorious day in Paradise, so I thought I'd let you know what I've been up to.

I've learnt that chilled marmite on a mosquito bite stops it itching immediately. Although it doesn't make you very popular with the expats, who think it's sacrilege. Being away from home makes you do and think strange things.

I've learnt that the local girls are a lot more, ahem, forward than the girls back home. Whilst dancing at a local bar, they have a habit of coming up to you, shoving their not insubstantial booties in your groin and then basically simulating sex to the music. I mean, it's just not British, is it? And as much as I fancied being stripped of everything I possess (and not in a good way), I politely declined their requests for me to take them home. Despite the fact that some of them are quite stunning.

I won $180 in a quiz night, which would have been a great victory for the British if the majority of the other participants weren't also British.

I've been sailing, I've been sunbathing (and have miraculously managed to not get sunburn), I've been swimming. The food is quite fantastic (with one notable exception) and, well, this is a lifestyle I could quite easily get used to. Although whether I'd still think that if I came out in the Summer, when it's a million degrees and 200% humidity is another thing entirely.

But all in all, at the halfway point of my holiday, I'm enjoying it. I've met some interesting people (and some real nutjobs too) and I would heartily recommend that anyone should come here. But bring marmite.

My Moment of Glory, with Anna & Ian

Message from Paradise

Quick hello from me in the quite remarkable Turks & Caicos Islands. Actually. it's just an opportunity to gloat and make you all jealous. So here are some pictures.

















Yesterday I saw pelicans diving into the ocean. And a stork landed by the pool. If I take any other fab photos, I'll put them on here too.

Fuck this, I'm off

You can have the hurricanes and the rain and all that. I'm off to the Caribbean for 2 weeks. Yes, dear reader, I'm off to see my friend Anna in the Turks & Caicos Islands. I will still have access to the internet out there, so may well post some pictures if I can...

But I will be thinking of you all, while I'm sitting on the beach, topping up my tan (well, going from blue to just pale). I hope you won't miss me too much. This is where I'm going.

Snow Good

Snowboarders in Romania blocked traffic by staging a protest outside the National Weather Institute to complain about the lack of snow in Romania this year. The sit down protest in Bucharest only ended when weathermen told them their complaint 'would be passed on to a higher authority'. One assumes that they are on the phone to God as we speak.

If it works, and snow is predicted to fall some time later this week, I intend to kidnap Michael Fish until someone promises to make it sunny in Plymouth all year round.

Oh Lordi... It's Eurovision

You may be surprised to know that I am an avid fan of Eurovision, in fact every year I try to throw a Eurovision Party (usually on my own, funnily enough). I absolutely love it, it's just so damn crap, it's brilliant. The increasingly drunken ramblings of Terry Wogan, the terrible songs, the bizarre slots inbetween each country, then the excitement and tension of the final votes... I do truly love it. Especially since they've introduced televoting - it means that the public gets to choose rather than the corruption and bribery method that has been rife for years. Hence the fact that Finnish monster rockers Lordi won it in 2006 (and yes, I DID vote for them).

2006 was a truly vintage year for Eurovision, in fact it was the best I've possibly ever seen. And I actually cannot wait for Eurovision 2007. Every country that takes part will see that it was the most outrageous band that won, so I fully expect the bizarre-o-meter to go off the scale in 2007. Which is why I was not surprised to hear that ex-Smiths frontman Morrissey throw his name into the hat. Maybe he can do for Eurovision what Beckham will do for American Football. I mean soccer.

I can't wait. This year's Eurovision is on the 12th May 2007. If anyone would like to join me at my annual Eurovision Party, you are more than welcome. If we get enough taking part, I will run a sweepstake.

The Joy of Getting Old Part 3

And when I was in Marbella once, I did see an 80-year old woman with the biggest fake breasts I'd ever seen. It was possibly the most bizarre thing I've ever had the misfortune to witness.

The Joy of Getting Old Part 2

The Joy of Getting Old Part 1

Just One Cornetto...

Is what my sister made her husband sing to her on the gondola in Venice. The damage that Walls have done to this beautiful city is unparalleled. But never mind, it was my first visit to Venice and what a place... We stayed at the Lido, which is a little island separating Venice from the Adriatic. So you get Venice on one side, the sea on the other. Absolutely stunning.

It is certainly the most romantic place I've ever been to, and considering I went with my sister and her husband, that's saying something (yes, yes, I know, I am from Suffolk). I spent most of my time enjoying the beautiful views, trying to get pigeons to land on my sister's head and chasing a Japanese man around St Mark's Square, trying to get a photo of the worst wig I've ever seen (see below).

I shall stick some photos on, which speak louder than a thousand words (no matter how nice the words are).

My little sister showing just how much she likes touching pigeons.

Inspired by the man covering himself in oats and being licked by horses, I recreated that using my sister, corn & pigeons.

Seeing how much my sister disliked pigeons, I did what any big brother would do & made one land on her head. By the way, check out the giant pidgeon on the right.

When we saw the man with the worst wig in the world (and this picture does it no justice), the race was on to secretly take a picture...

Taken outside an art gallery, this appears to be an eight-foot tall inflatable dog.

The Rialto Bridge, taken from a gondola (cornetto out of shot).

Just to show that I didn't spend ALL my time chasing wigmen or feeding my sister to the pigeons, and that I do appreciate haute couture as much as the next man, here is a picture of that big palace thing in the main square.

I'm back! Sort of...

Sorry to all my readers for the outrageous delay in posting anything new. What have I been up to, I hear you ask? Well, I've been to Venice. Been to Ipswich. Lost 4 tenants in my house, so been running around with that. I've had no internet connection at home (and lost it at work as well for a while) and I'm supposed to be going to the Carribean for 2 weeks on Saturday, so I'm working like a loon. All in all, 2007 has been simply non-stop.

But I've got some girls coming round to see the house today, so hopefully that will sort it out. And my own technical monkey should be sorting out my internet gremlins - I blame Microsoft. Bastards. And with a bit of luck, normal service will now be resumed. I shall start by telling of my escapades in Venezia...

Happy New Year!

Finally 2006 is over and we're into 2007. I'd like to wish all my readers a very happy new year. Here's to hoping that 2007 is a vintage year for all of you.

What, no green eggs?

Scientists in China have successfully bred green fluorescent pigs which they hope will boost stem cell research. I'm not sure how fluorescent green pigs will help stem cell research, but there you go. They created the pigs by injecting green protein from jellyfish into pig embryos.

'The mouth, trotters and tongue of the pigs are green under ultraviolet light' Professor Liu Zhonghua told Xinhua news.

It's a little worrying. After finding out that farmed Salmon are in fact fed dyed food to make them pink, I can't help but things like this don't bode well. Mind you, I'd quite like a red cat.

Spirited Away

Today at 5:15pm BBC2 are showing 'Spirited Away', far and away the best animated film I've ever seen. Produced by the legendary Hayao Miyazaki of Team Ghiblink, it won an Oscar for best animated feature in 2003. It really is the most beautiful film you'll ever see. There are no computer animated graphics, all the animation is hand-painted.

The story centres around a young girl who is moving home with her parents. They get lost on the way to their new house and end up stumbling into the spirit world, a world ruled by gods, witches, and monsters. Her parents are changed into pigs and she has to work out a way to rescue her parents and get back home...

You've never seen a film like this. I urge you, if you haven't already seen it to stop whatever you're doing at quarter past five this afternoon and watch it. And set your videos. You'll definitely want to watch it again and again.

Out with the Old...

Well, Christmas is over and much fun was had by all. Good food, good company, a real tree and some rather fantastic presents. Including a marvellous vegetarian cookbook, a bracelet and a hand-painted picture from my little Slovenian nutcase friend Josie: "In 2007 I wish you a dirty woman". One can only hope.

And of course, once Christmas is over, one cannot help but think of the new year approaching and the year that has been. I had high hopes for this year and it turned out to be a bit of a rollercoaster, all things being equal. Good in some ways, shocking in others. So what lies in store for 2007?

Will it be a good one? A bad one? The last two have been particularly tricky. Not bad per se, just full of lessons that I probably needed to learn, but didn't particularly want to. But it's all gravy, as they say in the hood and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger etc. It's just that I'm a little tired of learning now, I'd really like a nice year this year.

So 2007... I have plans. Inspired by my recent novel-writing escapade, I've decided it's time to revisit my list of things I've always wanted to do. And it's no good sitting here year after year, thinking I wish I could do this or that. Until I find a magic lamp to make those wishes come true, I'm going to have to do it the old-fashioned way. So here are my ambitions for 2007.

- I'm going to learn to play the piano. I used to play, but I stopped when I was about 11. Being taught piano by the mega-religious church organist was not the best idea. Kids do NOT want to learn to play hymns.

- I'm going to learn to play the guitar. I was taught violin when I was at junior school. And they did the lessons in play time. So when every other kid was out playing in the sun, I was stuck inside, learning to play three blind mice. Again, not the best inspiration to turn me into a budding Nigel Kennedy. Thankfully.

- I'm going to take up running. I did once accidentally get quite fit through pure laziness. I kept oversleeping and was always late for uni. So I'd end up running to college and I did end up quite fit. I rather enjoyed it, to be honest. And I think a bit of exercise will do me good.

- I'm going to learn to draw. I've always wanted to learn to draw, but I've never been taught. I enjoyed the creativity of writing the novel, and I'd like to be able to express that creativity in something that doesn't take that long to do. Something that isn't all-consuming.

- I'm going to live more healthily. No more crisps for dinner (and lunch and breakfast).

- I'm going to have a proper go at tai chi. I found it pretty difficult and frustrating, but that's probably a good thing.

- Finally, I'm going to put something back into the world. I've already signed up to give blood and I think I'm going to do some voluntary work. Haven't quite decided what yet, I'm thinking maybe Samaritans. It's something I've always thought about doing but has scared the shit out of me to be honest.

So those are my New Year's Resolutions 2007. I'll let you all know in 12 months whether I managed to achieve them all!

What is ET short for?

Because he has small legs.

A Joke about Mickey Mouse

I've heard that Mickey Mouse is feeling poorly. Apparently he's been getting Disney spells.

The World's Most Gullible Criminal

What an invisible thief wouldn't look like.














In the long list of criminal dos and don'ts, one of the top pieces of advice has to be 'never rob a bank thinking that you're invisible when you're not actually invisible.'

Sadly for one man in Iran, he made just that mistake – and as a result, police in Tehran are hunting a fake sorcerer who convinced the man he was invisible and so could rob banks safely.

The man's ill-fated heist attempt started to go wrong shortly after he entered the bank, as he started snatching money from the hands of customers. For some reason, rather than being terrified of the mysterious invisible poltergeist stealing their cash, the customers quickly overpowered the hapless thief.

"I made a mistake. I understand now what a big trick was played on me." the man told the court, state-run newspaper Jam-e Jam reports.

He explained that he had paid 5 million rials (just under £290) to a wizard imposter, who in return gave hims spells to tie to his arm. The sorcerer told him that they would make him invisible, and that he could then rob banks to his heart's content.

Pop Quiz

So, pop pickers... What was the best-selling album of the 1960's?

UPDATE:
I should perhaps have been clearer! I meant the best-selling album of the decade, so that would exclude any sales from the 70's onwards. And I should have said in the UK as well...

The best-selling album in the 1960's was the soundtrack to The Sound of Music. In the UK, it was at Nr 1 for 69 weeks from 1965 to 1968!

Mute Tourettes Syndrome

I don't normally make a habit of forwarding charity e-mails, but this seemed to be a particularly good cause. I know it touched me personally. Mute Tourettes Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more famous sister-disease, Tourettes Syndrome, and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences.

While a child suffering from Tourettes has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourettes suffers the opposite fate and is unable to express their true feelings. There is, however, an answer.

A great deal has been achieved by the Mute Tourettes Foundation using new art therapy techniques. However, their work can only continue with our help: Just £1.37 will keep a child supplied with crayons for a whole day. £5 will provide them with enough paper for a week. Please give what you can to help this deserving cause.

See the picture below to see how they helped one little girl.

A Joke about Auctions

Q. What does an auctioneer need to know to do his job?
A. Lots.

Three in a bed Look-a-like Xmas Special

Balding goth Sisters of Mercy singer Andrew 'Moaner' Eldritch; übercamp Judas Priest frontman Rob 'Yes, that is a Whip I'm Holding' Halford; and forehead-kissing French goalkeeper Fabien 'Le Grand Slaphead' Barthez.

Dodgy Lyrics (or dodgy ears)

My car has a tape recorder and I only actually own three tapes, one of which is a tape of Libyan Belly Dancing music. But one of those tapes is Sisters of Mercy - First and Last and Always, one of the best albums of my childhoold. But one of the songs, No Time to Cry, seems to have Andrew Eldritch singing "No time for Latte", which isn't particularly goth, is it?

Reminds me of Madonna's Erotica, which sounds exactly as if she's singing 'Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, Put your hands all over my body." (See this video on Rathergood.com for proof).

Rathergood.com have got a couple of other funny dodgy lyric videos, including: Simply Red, Simply Red (again), the Beatles and Pavarotti.

The Di'ly Express

Of all the newspapers in the UK, the one I hate most is the Daily Express. Which may come as a surprise to some of you, bearing in mind it's in competition with the Daily Heil. But at least with the Heil, it does exactly what it promises to do. It's the voice of the conservative right and everyone needs a voice, irrespective of whether you agree with that voice or not. And I don't even mind the Sun, Star or Mirror. They're like comics for adults in a world where a good pun is much better than a good story. I don't particularly take them seriously and to be honest, I suspect that they are written tongue in cheek anyway.

But the Express is different. The self-titled 'World's Greatest Newspaper' is in my opinion the most insidious of them all. It is sensationalism of the lowest degree, its headlines are always misleading, misquoting and over the top - it's not unusual for the headline to read something like 'House prices to crash by 30%', only to find out that some analyst or other might have said a few months ago that it could happen if aliens invade or interest rates rise by 5% or something. They just seem to come up with headline, then look around for the 'facts' to back it up. And they dig up the same old themes over and over again, house prices set to collapse / boom, new health miracle cure / deadly scare...

It's simple scaremongering and I HATE it when the media does that. It is irresponsible behaviour for a publication that has three-quarters of a million readers every day. If all their readers were to actually all BELIEVE what this shameless rag is publishing and acted accordingly, well, who knows what could happen...

I remember a headline after the July 7th bombing in London. 'Bombers are all sponging asylum seekers', when it turned out that NONE of the bombers were in fact asylum seekers (and two of the bombers weren't even known at that point). The Express's obsession with the asylum issue even led to Simon Darby, a member of the British National Party, crediting the paper with boosting the BNP's electoral fortunes.

And the other thing I hate about the Express... It's been ten years since Diana died. Ten years. But the Di'ly Express knows that she STILL sells papers. Friday's subheading read that 'Stevens Report does not answer the key questions: And The Daily Express won't stop asking them'. No, they won't stop asking the questions. It sells far too many papers.

DAILY EXPRESS INTERESTING FACT:

Number of times this year that Diana has been the front page Headline: 60.

The Suffolkator

Why are they calling him the Ipswich Ripper? He hasn't actually 'ripped' anyone. As far as I'm aware, they've all been asphyxiated? Unless, as I commented on Little Zoe's blog, it is as a result of severe flatulence, it's misleading to call him the Ipswich Ripper. And the Suffolk Strangler... I mean, it's not particularly unique, we've had a few 'stranglers' before, the most famous being the Boston Strangler.

I think we need a bit more imagination when coming up with new serial killer nicknames.

I think he should be called the Suffolkator. It covers both strangling / flatulence angles. And it sounds vaguely like some kind of futuristic killing machine, as opposed to some fat, dysfunctional 'mummy's boy' weirdo, which is probably nearer to the truth.

Jack the Tractor part II

I just heard a nice lady on the BBC describe this nutter as 'potentially one of Britain's worst serial killers'.

What nonsense.

Surely Michael Barrymore is Britain's worst serial killer, since he's only bumfisted one man to death, and didn't even have the decency to admit it.

Jack the Tractor

Bit weird, Ipswich all of a sudden being on the world news. I'm used to Ipswich being a bit of a backwater type place, not the kind of place with a serial killer. Aside from anything else, I don't want Ipswich to be the kind of place that you always associate with some kind of tragedy - eg when you think of Locabie or Hungerford.

I've spoken to some people back home, they're all a bit scared, understandably. At the moment, it's only prostitutes who are being targetted, but there's no guarantee at all that it will stay that way. I'll never understand what it is that suddenly makes someone decide to go out and kill a load of people.

I hope they catch him quickly. And then Ipswich can go back to being famous for having a crap football team.

Satan's Flying Wizards

A story in the Surrey Comet about culling pigeons in the Royal Borough town of Kingston. Which goes out of control as the local residents start to add their comments....

Day 1...

Yup, today I have stopped smoking again. It was fucking tough this afternoon, there were countless times I had to fight the temptation to go to the shops and buy fags. But somehow I managed to resist the temptation and day one smoke-free is finished.

I hate stopping smoking. I am determined that this is the last time I have to do this. Tonight I didn't know what to do with myself, I didn't want to be with anyone but I also didn't want to be alone... I didn't know if I was going to burst into tears or into manic laughter. I've got so much energy built up in my muscles, I keep having to do Hulk-style muscle stretches...

And I can feel it searching for a weakness. I often think of my cigarette addiction as being a separate entity from me, like a monster that I have to face. This morning it fought on the old the enjoyment / pain battleground, one that I just about managed to win.

Since then, it's tried all sorts of different tactics to get me to smoke again and I'm resisting them all. I will not give in. Not this time. It's not easy this time - in the past it has been. But this time I think I need it to be hard, I need to feel the pain of it. I think that will be the only way I will not take it up again.

So, off to hide behind a giant packet of crisps for a couple of days. Wish me luck.

Death Sticks from Hell

A lot has been made of the recent death of Alexander Litvinenko due to Polonium-210 poisoning. I had never heard of Polonium-210 before this episode - chemistry was never my strong point - but apparently one milligram of Polonium-210 emits as many alpha particles as 5 grams of radium. Weight for weight, it is 10 to the power of 9 times more toxic than hydrogen cyanide. In fact, one gram of Polonium-210 is enough to poison 100 million people, of which 50 million people would die.

Was reading today Kyklops' struggles at stopping smoking. I rather stupidly took up smoking again recently. And today, more than ever, I wish I hadn't. I was doing a little bit of research... And you can imagine my joy when I discovered that cigarette smoke contains Polonium-210. According to U.S. Surgeon General C. Everett Koop (on national television, 1990) radioactivity, not tar, accounts for at least 90% of all smoking related lung cancer. And guess what? The cigarette manufacturers have known about this since the 60's.

And when you dig deeper into what are actually breathing into your lungs, it absolutely fills you with horror. There are 43 known carcinogens in cigarette smoke. 43! There are over 4,000 different chemicals. Aside from Polonium-210, there is also lead-210, which is also radioactive. And there are also the old favourites hydrogen cyanide, ammonia, carbon monoxide, nitrogen oxide and of course, how could we forget formaldehyde?

And I was horrified to find out that animals are STILL being submitted to the most horrendous tests by the cigarette companies. Examples include:

* Cutting holes in beagles' throats through which the dogs are forced to breathe concentrated cigarette smoke for a year.

* Inserting electrodes into dogs' penises to measure the effect of cigarette smoke on sexual performance.

* Strapping masks to the faces of rats and monkeys and permanently restraining them to force them to breathe cigarette smoke constantly.

* Forcing dogs to be on mechanical ventilators and chronically exposed to cigarette smoke.

* Restraining Rhesus monkeys in chairs with head devices and exposing them to nicotine and caffeine to determine how caffeine and nicotine affect breathing.

Having now been vegetarian for about five months, I am horrified that this is still going on. Thankfully it's been illegal in Britain since 1997, but in the States it is still widespread, paid for by both the taxpayer AND the cigarette companies, even though the long-term effects are pretty much well-known.

All things being equal, I think that cigarette manufacturers are about as close as we will ever get to Satanic representation on earth. I mean, I bet even Hell wouldn't have been able to come up with something as evil as cigarettes. Cigarettes not that big in size, really... How the hell do they manage to fit all that stuff in them? It must be really packed in to fit so much that is bad for you in one little stick.

It reminds me of the Terry Pratchett book 'Omen'. For those that haven't read it, there's an angel and a demon on earth, maintaining balance. And they both let each other have the odd victory every now and then. The demon, Crawley, receives a commendation from Satan for the Spanish Inquisition... And it was the first time he'd even heard of it. Just goes to show that we are often better at creating suffering for ourselves and our surroundings than anything old Beelzebubbles has downstairs.

On my own in the office...

and having a disco. Well, not so much a disco, more of a rave, really. It's four twenty on a Friday afternoon and I have psychedelic trance blasting out of my laptop. Oh yes. I like work on days like this.

Sorry about the bullet sound effects that happen everytime you open the website. It's from that George Bush shoot 'em up game. Eventually it will find its way into the archives and normal service will be resumed. But to anyone that hasn't played the game, it's really rather good.

Pizza Hut

If any of you phone up Pizza Hut to make an order, make sure you say 'Smells Like White Spirit' to the operator. You won't get a discount... But it helps to get the name around.

Now the Novel is finished...

It an explosion of creativity like I've never previously experienced. To write a 65,000 word novel in less than 6 days... The whole story and dialogue just ran through my head, like I was watching a film. I literally couldn't write fast enough. If I hadn't had to go to work and if I'd been able to type faster, I'd have finished it much sooner.

Writing it was intense... And I didn't plan the storyline in advance, I had no idea how it was going to end. In fact, I often didn't know what was going to happen even in the chapters I was writing. Which meant I learned about the storyline at almost exactly the time as the characters and indeed, the reader. And it worked... Somehow it worked. I have absolutely no idea whether I'll ever be able to do this again. I hope so. I'd quite like to be an author. A lot will depend on whether I can get this one published or not. If I can, I'll definitely try and do it again.

But it was a book I needed to write, even though I had absolutely no idea as I was writing it. It's so bizarre, the main character is on a journey in both a physical and metaphorical sense... And I walked every step of the way with him. And even at the end, I still didn't know what the point of it was. I just wrote what I saw.

And three days later, it's starting to make a bit of sense now. Amazing how the human psyche finds a way to let you to see what you need to see, even if you can't see with your everyday eyes. I'm not going to go into any detail, but it's all good.

Mary Poppins 2 - This Time She's Pissed...

Women... They just don't get football.

This is a true story from a West Ham season-ticket holder. His season-ticket last year was an absolute plum seat half way up the Upton park main stand close to the half-way line. In other words, a TV camera style view. Anyway, after the first few games of the season it became apparent that despite all the home games being sell-outs, the two seats on his left were always empty. This continued until just after Christmas when all of a sudden a guy and his young son appeared there. After a few weeks of sitting next to this guy and his son, he decided to ask if the guy knew why the seats had been empty for half the season.

The guy said "Don't even go there mate. The wife bought me and my son a season ticket but decided it would be a nice idea to give us them for Christmas. I was fucking raging!"

Can you guess in which country this photo was taken?

My sort of Town

Italian Time Keeping

Finished!

Well, it's taken six days and 65,000 words but the novel is finally finished. The Trouser Legs of Destiny are now ready to walk into a bookshop near you. It's been intense, seriously intense. I don't know if I'll write a second one, I guess that depends on whether I can get the first one published. But it's been absolutely draining. And yet exhilerating at the same time. I can't believe I've finally managed it, my own novel. I can safely tick that one off the list of things to do before I die.

Ladies & Gentlemen, we have a title...

I've just reached 50,000 words and I know how it's going to end. How do I know? Because I've already written the last chapter, that's how. Now just have to finish the last third of the book and it's a done deal.

And we have a title. 'The Trouser Legs of Destiny' by Chez Guevara. There you go. Available in all good bookshops, just as soon as I find someone to publish it...

This Novel-writing lark is easy!

I'm now past halfway, just finished Chapter 22. So far, I've written about 41,000 words. Which equates to about ten thousand words a day. If I carry on like this, I should be finished by Wednesday, I reckon! I'm going for the world record in shortest time to write an entire novel. If I can get it done by Tuesday, I'll have written the whole thing in a week.

It's been a lot of fun, so far. I would recommend it to anyone. The hardest thing is coming up with the original idea. As soon as you've come up with that, the rest just writes itself! By the way... if anyone knows any publishers... I'll give you a 'shout out' in the book!

So far, so good!

I'm about quarter of the way through the novel now, I've just finished chapter 10. So far I've written about twenty thousand words. I have no idea whether it's good enough to get published, but that's not really the point. Of course, once I've finished it, I will try and get it published... But I won't cry if it doesn't happen. It will be just enough to have written it.

I did consider putting the chapters written so far on the blog... But I'm a little worried that it might get nicked. I know it's not very likely, but you can never be too careful. Who knows, I might be sitting on a blockbuster, and if anyone's going to reap in the rewards of it, it'll be me! You do hear sometimes of people stealing ideas or even sometimes entire manuscripts of stories. If it's good enough for Dan Brown (allegedly), it will be good enough for some internet dweeb running low on inspiration.

But it has actually been remarkably easy so far. As soon as I came up with the bare bones of the story, the rest has just fallen into place. I'm at a bit of a crossroads in the plot. And I haven't worked out how it's going to end yet. But then again, I quite like that. I've got a couple of ideas about how it's going to end, but nothing yet set in stone. I'm sure all will become clear soon.

If anyone wants to read what I've written so far, let me know and I'll email you some chapters.