A Joke about Chemists

Q. What do you do with a dead Chemist?
A. Barium

Sorry. I was going to make a better chemistry joke, but all the best ones Argon.

Quit Your Jibber, Jabba

All my own work.

Eurovision 2010

Just had a top night watching this year's Eurovision Song Contest. The competition was pretty good this year - no outstanding entries, but solid, I thought. Highlights of the night were the Greeks with their mixture of butch tribalness and Belarus' beautiful butterfly costumes. It was won by the Germans, so next year's competition will take place in Germany. I haven't been back to Germany since I lived there - If it's possible to get tickets, I might seriously think about going along - it's on my list of things to do before I die. (Quite low down, though). Anyhoo, here are some pictures - only two of us went in fancy dress (well done Ruth!), I had to explain my efforts to the younger ones (I went as Uncle Bulgaria, in case you're wondering). Fortunately, nobody seems to have taken a picture of my grey furry chaps.

Learning to Cook

Yup, this pretty much sums it up.

The Literal Party for Change

Nope, I've not gone all political. It's a party. And I literally want your change.

The aim is to raise much needed funds for Action for Children and have a bit of fun on the way. I'll give you a collecting box to throw your spare change in - and on Saturday 14th January, you bring it with you to get free access to the party.

WHEN: Saturday 14th January, 7.30pm

WHERE: Plymouth - exactly where depends on how many people we get!

WHAT: Party in aid of ACTION FOR CHILDREN

There's no minimum amount needed to be raised, I just want to hear those boxes rattling. And if you can't make the party, but still want to have a box, that's fine too.

I'd like at least 100 people to sign up, if possible - the more people, the better the party! And the more we can raise for this fabulous charity.

Action for Children is committed to helping the most vulnerable children and young people in the UK break through injustice, deprivation and inequality, so they can achieve their full potential. 95p of every pound raised goes directly towards helping kids.

If you want to take part, please email jamie.lee@actionforchildren.org.uk or visit the event page on Facebook - The Literal Party for Change.

Paying Lib Service

I called Liberal Democrat HQ today and requested a copy of their manifesto.

They replied "sorry, we've sold out"

I said "I know that, but could I get a copy of your manifesto"?

Tiny Things...

I LOVE the new Facebook profile. It means I can do things like this...

Festive

Another Prick in Whitehall

Click here to view the video in full.

My Racing Snails

My racing snail wasn't winning races anymore. So I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work. If anything it just made him more sluggish.

A Beautiful Song about a Mermaid

To view this video from email, click here

Joke about Growing Up

When I was a kid, people used to cover me in cream and put cherries on my head. It was tough growing up in the gateau.

Take a Weird Break

If you aren't already familiar with the spectacularly brilliant website Take a Weird Break, you should be. It's a very funny look at some of the more surreal headlines that appear on those true story mags. Well worth a look.

And here's one I found a few days ago. I can't remember which mag it was in and I have no idea what made her panic to such a degree. I particularly love the tagline - "what was I thinking?"

I imagine the Police knocking on the door and the woman thinking "Oh no, it's the Police! Quick! Cut my tits off!" and then slapping herself on the forehead afterwards. It's a schoolboy error, the girl's got to be disappointed with that.

If I see any more, I will post them here.

A much better Crappy Obviously (not)self-penned Joke

From my friend Rachel.

Q. What do you call a very grumpy man who's been kicked in the balls?
A. Testy

Crappy Obviously Self-Penned Jokes

Inspired by the mighty Tafkass and his Very Poor crappy and obviously self-penned jokes, and my Uncle Stephen's self-proclaimed Facebook grumpiness (His status: Q. What do you call a grumpy cow? A. Moo-dy), I have two COSPJ's of my own.

Q. What's the grumpiest day in France?
A. Mardi

Q. What do you call a grumpy dwarf?
A. Tetchy

Ithangyew.

It's a Small(-minded) World after all

This is a letter published in yesterday's Daily Heil. Unbelievable - not so much the underlying racism which is to be expected from a Daily Heil reader - more that they actually chose to publish it. Isn't it lovely to see, at a time when the world comes together?

Inappropriate Company Name of the Century

From Football 365's Mediawatch

The following press release came to Mediawatch's attention on Thursday:

'"World of Goals" launches a new website and football index to establish and measure the performance of football players, one day before the start of World Cup 2010! Performance and fitness stats of all participating football players will be tracked and can be found on World of Goals website.'

All very nice, until you start abbreviating things...

'The WoG Index uses an algorithm...'

Whoa whoa whoa. On the eve of the first World Cup to be held in Africa, hosted by a country who in the relatively recent past employed a system of government that divided its citizens based on the colour of their skin, a ratings system called the 'WoG Index' has been launched?

A PR success, don't you think?

An Exmoor Adventure

Had my first adventure of the Summer in Conan, my trustee VW Transporter. I decided to have a look around the North Devon coast. And I have to say, what I discovered absolutely blew me away. Dartmoor was pretty, but Exmoor was simply spectacular. I stayed the night in Selworthy, a secret hidden road just by Minehead. Bizarrely, I drove past a man on his own, playing the bagpipes.

The next morning, I went further into Exmoor. And there were so many fantastic things to see... However, my personal favourite was the Valley of the Rocks (which is a fantastic name in itself). It is, without a doubt, the most beautiful place I've ever seen in England. And, there's a car park... where you can stay overnight for just £5 or £16 for the WHOLE week. That's where my next holiday's going to be!

Here are some photos. They do not do any of the places I've seen justice.

Reasons Not to Listen to your Mother #2156

I have a skin tag on my neck, which looks a bit like a mole and my mother has been going on at me for months to let her freeze it off. Finally, last weekend, I consented and allowed her to attempt to freeze it off. And the result is, I now still have a skin tag - it just no longer looks like a mole. Now it looks like a very small erect penis. On my neck. Thanks. for. that.

The Mascot Nightmares Begin

MILLIONS of children are waking up this morning drenched in sweat and urine following the unveiling of the London 2012 Olympic mascots.

They smell of whisky and feast on tongues



















Wenlock and Mandeville were greeted with a chorus of blood-curdling screams as onlookers trampled each other in a desperate bid to escape.

Meanwhile London mayor Boris Johnson insisted the mascots encapsulated the spirit of the city before kneeling down in front of them and begging for his life.

Emma Bishop, a mother of two from Finsbury Park, said: "The names sound like a pair of prostitute-murdering opium addicts from the 1880s and they look like the Tellytubbies' abusive uncles.

"What we've got here is two giant, damaged teeth, each with a massive, psychotic eye and razor sharp claws. And the blue one seems to using bright, friendly colours to draw attention to his genital area.

"So these things - designed specifically for children - are basically lobster-clawed pervert monsters that remind them of the dentist. Bravo."

Helen Archer, a mother of three from Hatfield, said: "So the next time my five year-old loses a tooth and I tell him to put it under his pillow for the tooth fairy he will scream in terror and tell me it will grow into Wenlock and eat his head like it was a Malteser.

"I honestly can't believe I'm saying this, but Adrian Chiles is no longer the most disturbing thing to appear on The One Show."

Cowering behind the television with a jumper over his head, Archer's seven year-old son Jake added: "Leave me be Mr Mandeville. I'll be a good boy, I promise I will."

The mascots were developed by the sinisterly-named children's author Michael Morpurgo who conducted focus groups across the country to boil down childhood terror to its elemental form.

He said: "We initially thought of using those silent, floating zombies from Buffy The Vampire Slayer but Wenlock and Mandeville have the added bonus of looking like they could suddenly appear inside a pencil case or at the bottom of a Happy Meal."

From The Daily Mash

That's alright then.

In political news, I see that Labour backbencher Jon Cruddas has ruled himself out of the leadership race. On the same premise, I'd like to point out that after serious consideration, I am also not interested in entering into a relationship with Cheryl Cole.

We both agree she's a horribly violent racist who looks like a very realistic sex doll.

Spam is getting increasingly more surreal

I want to be a Scientist

The Dark Side of the Force

When Dave Met Nick...

On a lighter note, if you'd like to read a, ahem, different account of Dave & Nick's love-in, you might want to read this.

Summary: According to the BBC News, Clegg and Cameron gave everyone the slip on Saturday - using decoy cars and having aides tell the press they were "going home" - in order to have a private meeting, 'just the two of them.' The BBC then went on to remark on the 'personal chemistry' between the two men. What follows is the natural consequence of this story. I have serious thoughts on the UK election. This is not them. This is a work of pure fiction. I'm sure the reality was much hotter.

Click here for When Dave Met Nick.

(Warning - not suitable for under 18. Does contain quite a lot of gay sex).

Welcome to ConDemNation

It's a little-known fact that I live my life by a moral code I like to call "What would Aragorn do?" For those that don't know, Aragorn is one of the characters in Lord of the Rings. Yes, I know he isn't real. Stop laughing. Lord of the Rings harks back to an era when honour and principles actually meant something.

So imagine if you will, the Lord of the Rings. The threat of the dark lord Sauron is evergrowing and the whole of Middle Earth stands in the shadow of Mordor... The battles are ferocious, there are losses on both sides. And then, right at the end, at the black gates of Mordor, Aragorn decides "actually, there's not that much difference between us and Sauron. We could probably work something out". They're later seen chatting and joking together, without a care in the world. Can you imagine how Frodo would feel?

And that's kind of how I feel about Nick Clegg leaping into bed with the Tories.

In the run up to the election, it wasn't easy to know who to vote for. I felt that Labour had lost their way somewhat and the country needed freshening up. However, at the same time, I knew I didn't want the Tories in. So voting for the Lib Dems seemed to make the most sense, with the hope of a Lib / Lab hung parliament that could bring about real change.

So I ended up voting Lib Dem - and in my constituency, the increased Lib Dem vote watered down the ruling Labour vote, and the Tories took full advantage and won the seat.

If I had known that the Lib Dems were going to jump into bed with the Tories, I'd have never voted for them. In fact, there's a real chance I'll never vote for them again. How many Lib Dem activists must be be recoiling in utter horror at what's transpired? THEIR party has let the Tories in? I know for one - if I'd have given up my time to canvass for them (and I did seriously consider it), I'd be furious now.

To be quite honest - I want my vote back.

One last word - Nick Clegg is playing an unbelievably dangerous strategy. Yes, I understand that Labour weren't really interested in forming a coalition. Yes, I know that the Lib Dems may soften the Tories' darker side. I even get the fact that principles without power (the default position of the Lib Dems since the 20s) is eventually pointless.

However, the Lib Dems picked up an awful lot of disillusioned ex-Blairite Labour supporters in the past election. By throwing his hand in with the Tories, all Clegg has succeeded in doing is sending those voters back to Labour in their droves.

Nick Clegg may be a man of principles. And he will get experience of government, plus the chance to actually implement the changes to this country he so clearly believes in. However, it remains to be seen how many of his supporters will feel disillusioned, lied to and utterly betrayed. I personally would never have voted Lib Dem if I'd have known that they'd end up backing the enemy. I suspect short-term power may well lead to a longer-term backlash. And for those of us that are old enough to remember the election of 1997 - the Tories know all too well what happens when the electorate feels betrayed.

I think Nick Clegg's only chance is for this parliament to run the full 5 years and hope that we've all forgotten by then. I think that a snap re-election would see a very different outcome.