Tuesday, November 25, 2008

My New Favourite Facebook Group

This really does make me laugh. Oh, the cruel irony. Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you:

Your in England.. Speak the Fucking Language!!!!

(Note the piss-take group next to it!)

Monday, November 24, 2008

An Emotional Ivan Campo Sings a Ballad to Jim Magilton

After learning that the Ipswich Town Manager has said he can leave the club, former Bolton and Real Madrid midfielder Ivan Campo sings him an emotional ballad, to try to get him to change his mind.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

BNP Google Map

Wonderful new addition to Google Maps, based on the recently leaked BNP party membership online. Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you BNP Near Me. I'm pleased to announce I only have 3 official racists in my post code.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

Would You?

Following today's revelations in court, the question sweeping the nation today is: How much would it take for you to sleep with Karen Matthews? Observers commented that there hasn't been this level of macabre sexual interest in a court case since Rosemary West.

It would probably be something like this

Rob from London, said: "Bearing in mind we're in a global recession, I don't think there's enough money in the world. Mind you, I don't think there'd ever be enough money in the world. In fact, if you were to build a Dr Who-type Tardis that could fly through space and time, and you were to use that Tardis to collect all the money that's ever been printed, from every planet that's ever been and will ever be, I still don't think you'd have enough money to make me sleep with that."

Jim from Birmingham, said: "I'd do it for a million, so long as you don't tell my wife."

Brian from Glasgow, said: "So long as I had a sharp knife nearby so that I could chop it off as soon as I'd finished, then yeah, why not? I can always buy a new cock with the money."

Michael from Folkestone, said: "I dunno, I'd probably do it for £500. But you'd have to give me a couple of weeks to get the money."

Looking for love? Will you be the one or will you end up under the patio like all the others?

Shannon's Mother "didn't ask" to be ugly

The mother of schoolgirl Shannon Matthews didn't ask to be ugly, jurors heard in a court today. Karen Matthews, mother of five children, all to different partners, also didn't ask to be 'death-faced' and a disgusting heartless slut.

Not my fault

Whilst giving evidence regarding the alleged fake kidnap of Shannon, now aged 10, Detective Constable Alexander Grummitt said he had been 'surprised' at just how ugly Karen Matthews was.

"Like everyone else, I'd seen the photos of her in the papers; but that is nothing to how she actually looks in real life. I mean look at her," he added, pointing to Matthews in the dock. "Once this case is over, there should be a criminal investigation into how she got five different men to sleep with her.

"I was thrilled once little Shannon was found, because it meant I didn't have to spend a second longer in her odious company. Frankly, even seeing her today in this court, I want to rip out my own eyes and vomit in the sockets. I mean, Your Honour - for a million pounds, would you?"

During the recess, whilst Judge Mr Justice McCombe was violently sick in his chambers, Karen Matthews' lawyer told the press:

"Look, clearly she's at the bottom of the gene pool, along with that weirdo Michael Donovan. But she didn't ask to be ugly, death-faced and a disgusting heartless slut, prepared to scar her young daughter for life for a bit of cash. I blame the makers of 'Shameless' for being bad role models."

Photoshopped at birth

Sunday, November 09, 2008

I am an East Anglian Boy

Thomsta's local spin on Kanye and Estelle's 'American boy'.

Public Can't Wait to be Truncheoned Across the Jaw, says Smith

Most British people are looking forward to having a policeman stand on their windpipe, the Home Secretary said yesterday.

More than 80% 'want it to be like Abu Ghraib'

Jacqui Smith insisted there was widespread public support for state-sponsored beatings and being asked to hand over your papers.

She said: "People have been coming up to me in the street and demanding I set about them with a baseball bat. One man even handed me a bamboo cane before getting down on his hands and knees and suggesting I start with his buttocks.

"And you would not believe the number of people who have already applied to be stripped naked and thrown in a police cell with a single, bare light bulb that is on 24 hours a day while being pummeled with a high pressure hose whenever they try to go to sleep.

"I ask them 'would you not want to know what you'd been charged with?' and they say 'no, of course not, that would be a victory for Al Qaeda'."

She added: "As I've always said, the vast majority of sensible people in this country understand that being at the business end of a brutal and unprovoked assault will actually make them safer.

"In fact, just last week I got a letter from an old lady who asked me to chase her onto the bus and then shoot her in the face. I thought I was going to cry."

Mild-Mannered Janitors tell Scooby Doo to Fuck Off

In a new twist to the Barack Obama / Mr Tubbs story, the National Association of Mild-Mannered Janitors has told Scooby Doo and his bunch of hippie misfits to fuck off.

"Fuck off and leave us alone"

At a hastily-arranged press conference, Barry Thomas, a spokesman for the NAMMJ said:

"Scooby Doo can fuck right off as far as I'm concerned. They seem to have some anti-mild-mannered janitor agenda. Yes, I'll grant you that Mr Tubbs is a member of the National Association of Mild-Mannered Janitors, but not all our members are psychopathic nutjobs who pretend to be ghosts or vampires or Democrats.

"I tell you, you don't know what it's like. Ever since Scooby Doo, whenever anything goes wrong, we're the first ones to be held under suspicion. Whenever there's a ghost threatening to close down an old cinema or a mummy running amok in an old abandoned house, it's always 'Oh, I bet the mild-mannered janitor's behind all this'.

"What about Hong Kong Phooey? He was a mild-mannered janitor, and yes, admittedly he also did lead a secret life, but he fought crime and he could walk on his fingers. It's discrimination, that's what it is. And I think the fact that Mr Tubbs chose to dress up as a black politician, has a delicious sense of irony.

"Most of our members do lead secret lives, but use it for the general good, like fighting crime as costumed vigilantes. But if they keep facing abuse from the public, and I can only see it getting worse in light of recent events, they'll probably end up telling you all to shove it up your arse. And then you'll be sorry."

In closing, Mr Thomas said he'd like five minutes with Scooby Doo and his virgin weirdo friends in a dark room, with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. "I'll shove those Scooby Snack dog biscuits so far up their arses, they'll be burping barks for a month" he added.

Barack Obama unmasked!

A shocking new story has just emerged about President-Elect Barack Obama, the first black man to be voted President of the United States. Details of the situation are sketchy at this stage, but it would appear that he is in fact the mild-mannered janitor of the White House, masquerading as the Democrat candidate for the Presidency.

Obama - or real name, Mr Tubbs - is, in fact, a white man in his 50's, and has worked at the White House for the last 30 years.

FBI Chief Todd Wurzlesticker said today that Mr Tubbs has been arrested and is currently being held at Washington State Prison. When asked how a janitor had managed to impersonate a US presidential candidate, he said Tubbs pulled it off by using a mask, a series of pulleys and a projector. "And he would have got away with it too if it hadn't been for a set of meddling kids." he added.

The credit for the discovery is being claimed by a small gang of 60's throwback acid casualties. One of the group, who referred to himself only as 'Shaggy' told us about how they had outsmarted Mr Tubbs:

"He like chased us for ages. And we were like Zoiks! But luckily me & my talking dog managed to hide in a set of pots, and using my ventriloquism skills, I managed to convince him we were in the other room. Then, he fell right into our trap of bamboo shoots, tied together with palm leaves. We took off his mask, and it was the mild-mannered janitor. But then, it shouldn't have come as that big a shock. It always seems to be the mild-mannered janitor, now I come to think of it."

Thank Fuck We Didn't Win, say Republicans

Now that the American election is over, John McCain has expressed his relief at not winning.

John McCain breathes a huge sigh of relief

"Our strategy from the start has been to lose the damn thing. Who in their right mind wants the responsibility of running this shit-infested toilet of a country? We're caused a world recession, we've fucked up the Middle East, and everybody in the whole world hates us. I've probably got more money than the whole banking industry put together and frankly, the whole thing is a fucking mess. Obama's welcome to it. We'll have it back when he's either managed to fix it or screwed it up so much that it won't matter what we do.

"I just want any potential gun-toting lunatics out there to wait until then before they decide to assassinate him."

Although Barack Obama remained a firm favourite throughout the campaign, Mr McCain has revealed there were some hairy moments.

"I thought the American people would have had enough of us, after what Bush did. He didn't so much as ruin the country as kidnap it, hold it hostage, tie it up then viciously buttfuck it with an unlubricated rusty pole over and over and over again.

"You could have given Al Qaeda an unlimited supply of fertilizer and airplanes and told them they had 8 years to do as much damage as possible, and they still wouldn't have done as much damage as he did.

"But just to make double sure, I thought the idea of Sarah Palin as Vice President, with her finger on the button if anything should happen to me, and let's face it, at my age, that's fairly likely - I thought that alone would probably be enough to scare the living shit out of anyone.

"But as ever, I seriously underestimated the American people. Most of them seemed to think I was the Bruce Willis character from Die Hard, and was just the sort of person to deal with those ay-rab terrorists. If I had a dollar for every time I was asked to say 'Yippee Kay Yay motherfucker', well, it might just about pay for Obama's media campaign.

"Honestly, it got so bad at one stage, I thought I might actually bloody win the thing. I thought for one horrible moment I was going to either have to get my cock out, or admit to having an affair with Palin. I'm not sure what would have been worse.

"Thankfully, the American people came through in the end, as I knew they would. The secret donations I made to Obama's media campaign were enough to pull him through and the public were spared the sight of my cock or the trauma of thinking of Sarah Palin in a sexual way. And nobody wants that."

Friday, November 07, 2008

Banks not happy until all that's left is Banks

The banks will not rest until they have destroyed everything that is not a bank, experts warned last night. Economists now believe the international banking industry is in the final stages of a detailed plan designed to bankrupt everyone and then kill them.

Dr Bill McKay, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Stage one was to engineer a credit boom and get everyone up to their nipples in debt.

"Stage two was to create some bullshit crisis and then exterminate the housing market.

"Stage three was to beg for a trillion pound bail-out and leave all the governments teetering on the edge of financial ruin.

"Now we're at stage four - refusing to pass on interest rate cuts, killing off any remaining businesses and forcing absolutely everyone into bankruptcy and death."

According to Dr McKay the banks will then tower over a wasteland of abandoned shops and decaying corpses before stealing whatever small amounts of change they can scavenge from the pockets of the dead.

He added: "The last remaining bits of cash will be held by Mervyn King, sitting alone in his office in Threadneedle Street. But the banks will hunt him down and devour him like a horde of rabid zombie vampires.

"They will then bulldoze away the ruins of everything that was not a bank and build a new society filled with pathetic little men who spend all day lending each other money and rubbing used tenners into their groin."

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Ross and Brand are Heroes, say Spanish

THE Madrid government last night sprang to the defence of Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross hailing them as the new heroes of anti-Spanish racism.

Prime minister José Luis Zapatero said the assault on Andrew Sachs was 'measured' given the actor's portrayal of a halfwit Spaniard who thinks a rat is some kind of Siberian hamster.

Zapatero said Sachs, banned from entering Spain since 1976, was single-handedly responsible for the country's image as a nation of greasy-haired chimpanzees who have to have everything explained to them twice.

A spokesman for the Spanish embassy in London said: "We've been leaving dirty messages on his answerphone for years. And every Sunday we camp outside his house and chuck handfuls of paella at his front door."

Spain's biggest newspaper El Pais said: "Señors Ross and Brand are the champions of every waiter who has ever served a table of drunken English tourists who find it amusing to answer all of his questions with 'Qué?' until one of them finally comes out with 'I'm so sorry, he's from Barcelona'."

Meanwhile, the BBC has offered Brand's £200,000 salary to the Treasury to help pay down the jaw-droppingly out-of-control national debt that everyone seems to think is irrelevant compared to some swear words on an answering machine.

And although Jonathan Ross will keep his job, he was last night told to apologise 18 million times over the next three years.

BBC Director-General Mark Thompson said last night: "Jonathan is very sorry and hopes this will go some way to making up for any distress he may have caused. But he remains a valuable part of the BBC and I look forward to threatening you all with jail in order to pay his multi-million pound salary."

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Latest National Mood to be Unveiled

SOME of the biggest names in Britain will gather in central London today for the unveiling of the new national mood.

Prime minister Gordon Brown will be joined by host of celebrities including Steve Coogan, Elaine Page, Sir Bobby Charlton and the stars of All Creatures Great and Small.

The mood unveiling comes as a poll in the Daily Telegraph found that 68% of Britons want everything to be much more like Victoria Wood.

Experts are predicting the much anticipated new mood will have no truck with high salaries, nail varnish and swear words, particularly 'fucknut' and 'cunt-features'.

The prime minister is also expected to outline plans for a wide-ranging government inquiry into what is and is not funny.

Tom Logan, national mood detector at the Institute for Studies, said: "The inclusion of the All Creatures cast suggests an early Fifties, austerity kind of mood. We're looking at decency, v-neck sweaters, decency, home-made broth, decency and everything being unbelievably tedious. There might be some scope for a bit of cheekiness on BBC1 on Saturday nights. Perhaps Victoria Wood could give a weekly rendition of that song she does about fucking."

He added: "It will be interesting to see if it works, particularly as most British workers spend their day forwarding emails and videos that make the Andrew Sachs wank fantasy look like Songs of Praise."

Meanwhile public outrage at the treatment of Andrew Sachs boiled over last night as Britain reached a new peak of furious incoherence.

News websites struggled to cope as millions of violently confused readers found themselves unable to contain their angry, ill-informed opinions.

A BBC spokesman said: "Britain is obviously trying to tell us something but they need to slow down and do their very best to communicate in whole sentences."

Some of the comments posted on The Times yesterday:

I don't know who these people are or what this is all about but thanks to them I have spent the entire morning being violently sick on my neighbour's car. It's a bridge too far. Or is it two bridges not too far enough? Bring back Hattie Jacques!
Mrs Margaret, Guildford

How would they like it if someone came into their bedroom in the middle of the night and drenched them in gin and started fondling their legs and then playing with their willy until it made a horrid mess? Not very much, is what I think. Filthy boys. We should kill them with lions.
jstraw, Blackburn

Thankfully I missed this whole sordid episode. When will the BBC do the right thing and repeat in full? I get back from work around six.
Chewbacca, Norwich

But the granddaughter though eh? She's not exactly, you know, is she? I mean come on, let's not forget what this is really all about. Exactly. Vote UKIP!
paddingtonbear69, Macclesfield

This reminds me of the time the Dimbleby brothers phoned me up during 'Any Answers' and offered to wank me into a teapot. I see the BBC hasn't changed one bit.
Andypandy, Taunton

Dear Jonathan Ross

I just shagged your daughter. Who's laughing now?

Yours Faithfully

Gary Glitter x