Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Monkey with a Death Wish

I've never seen a video like this before.

For those on the email list, click here to watch the video. It's well worth it.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Cold? I'm bloody Fresian...

Saw this remarkable cow on the way back from Cornwall yesterday. Nothing else to say, really, except that it had a large white heart on its side. I wish That's Life was still going. I'd probably have won a tenner or maybe a carrot in the shape of Gordon Brown being turkeyslapped.

It's a Freddie Adventure

Took Freddie off this weekend to North Cornwall for his first adventure. Despite the fact it pissed down with rain for pretty much the entire weekend, it really was rather fun. Started off on the Atlantic Highway, which is perhaps the most 'rock' name for a road in Cornwall. Even more so, as it does actually take you to Rock, the rather rah-rah posh sailing town frequented by the rich and shameless. Interesting fact: There are two villages in Cornwall called Splatt.

We camped at a layby overlooking Widemouth Bay, where we were rudely awakened at 1 in the morning by a rather damp-looking man from the council telling us we weren't allowed to stay overnight. I did manage to convince him to let us stay, after I was able to prove to him that I was actually local.

In the morning we drove down to Polzeath and spent the afternoon in the Rumps. Why are they called the Rumps? Perhaps this picture may help.


Went to the annual British Firework Champtionships last week, which happens every year in Plymouth. Set over two days, it really is great fun. The six contestants are limited to 500kg of fireworks each, which means 1.5 tons of fireworks each night.

On tuesday night Helen & I went to Queen Anne's Battery and we sat in Freddie, drinking tea with my friends Mark & Sal. On wednesday night Helen & I went to Mountbatten and this time we brought our deckchairs and thermos. Although Helen took the piss out of my deckchairs (most notably the rather useful tray that lifts up on the side), I wasn't the one wrapped under the tartan blanket.

But there were some rather fantastic fireworks on display, including some I'd never seen before. My favourite was a screamer that shot up, then started to plummet before suddenly taking off again. Absolutely remarkable. I shall be posting on the blog next year's dates, as and when I know them. I would thoroughly recommend that everyone comes down to Plymouth to watch next year.

This is where they set the fireworks off.

Got in trouble today

I was behind a blind man at the cashpoint. He asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Paintball JFK

For those that receive White Spirit by email, click here to watch the video.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Anarchy in the UK

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is forever upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, whom everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control.

Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

Football Lookeylikie

With the advent of the new football season nearly upon us, here is Liverpool's Dirk Kuyt and Sloth from the Goonies.

Robot Chicken from [Adult Swim]

The darkest sketch in history. (Adult Swim version didn't seem to work, so I've nicked it off You Tube.)

For those on the email list, click here to watch the video.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Dodgy Advertising

Like a Badge of Honour

As an interesting aside to the debate on parenting and education I am having with the venerable Shit Sandwich and White Spirit newbie Verglas, a woman walked past my office today. She was in her late 30's and had 'ASBO' tattooed on her upper arm. All I can say to that is that at least she managed to spell it right.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Especially for Kyklops

Aren't you glad they're on our side?

For those that receive the email link, click here to watch the video.

Ladyboys love you long time

You know you want him

Heard the best news today in a long time. Apparently, women searching for the perfect partner avoid macho men in favour of feminine-looking men who they see as more committed and better parents, research has found. Finally, some good news for us non-alpha males. Although I suspect they probably want to shag the bad boys, then find a nice girly man to look after them...

AC Alittlesilhouetteofaman

My dad runs a family fantasy football league and last year, my team Obi-Wan Kenobi Nil did pretty poorly. I was let down by Sheva and neckless golfer Bellamy amongst others. But this year, with a new team name (5 easy White Spirit points for anyone that gets it), I once again have high hopes for my boys:

Team Name: AC Alittlesilhouetteofaman
Manager: 'Big' Chez Guevara

(Goa) Given...............Newcastle

(Def) Cole A..............Chelsea
(Def) Evra.................Man U
(Def) Khizanishvili.......Blackburn
(Def) Lee Young Pyo.....Tottenham

(Mid) Ronaldo.............Man U
(Mid) Bentley..............Blackburn
(Mid) Gerrard.............Liverpool

(Mid) Drogba..............Chelsea
(Mid) Tuncay..............Middlesborough
(Mid) Bent.................Tottenham

Fantasy Football victory, here we come!

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Don't know their R's from their Elbow

Shocking report from the government that apparently 120,000 11-year olds cannot read or write properly and 140,000 are unable to do sums. 120,000 children equates to 1 in 5 and frankly, I'm shocked at that. How does a child manage to get through infant and junior school without being able to read or write?

I just don't get it. The 3 R's - which I've always thought were a misnomer in itself, I mean, no wonder kids are struggling if the experts call it reading, riting and rithmetic - should be a basic for every child. I can understand some may struggle with dyslexia, learning disabilities and a few others slipping through the net with bad teaching; but 20% of all kids?

The answers must surely lay with the teachers, parents and education chiefs. I would be horrified if my kids couldn't read or write. And as a teacher, I'd be ashamed if nearly a quarter of my class couldn't read or write. I don't profess to know all the answers, but I do know something has got to change.

Strange Links continued

Looking for this?

I wrote recently about strange referrals to the site. And I'm now getting some even weirder links. I'm still getting a healthy number of titfuck references, for some reason. Although they all seem to be looking for the Titfuck Game - whatever that is. Incidentally, if I was a games writer for the Nintendo Wii (the games console with the interactive control unit that you strap to your wrist), I'd definitely write a sex game. Probably 'soggy biscuit', with the players masturbating furiously over a digestive. But I digress.

But I am getting some various strange ones. How about toe-rag Potter vocabulary? Or Ruud Gullit Moustache? Or Vintage Kappa Tracksuit?

I know that search engines throw up the weirdest stuff, but I'm just wondering why anyone on this planet would want to google for Ruud Gullit's moustache. And what they think when they get here. Particularly all the Danish, Polish and Italian pervs looking for the titfuck game. (And when they find it, can they please come back and let me know what it is.)

Play it Again, Cam

Had a very eventful weekend this weekend. On Saturday I drove down to sunny Camborne, where Carrie had invited some friends over for a games night. I haven't had a games night probably since Anna left England and it was great fun. Carrie had got a large whiteboard from work and Sarah brought Pictionary & Taboo. George & I just brought our incredible wit and intellects (and crisps).

Obviously George & I were an unstoppable pictionary team as our superior drawing skills (ahem) and ability to think laterally left Carrie & Sarah a close second. Then we moved onto Taboo, which was just as much fun. Obviously your author's superior intelligence (double ahem) and cat-like reflexes meant I won, but we were all moral victors, as a great time was had by all. I'm certain we had a better time than the alternative entertainment on offer in Camborne.

At the end of the night, I was treated to an impromptu jazz jam by Carrie and Ross with his brand new bass, before I drove on impulse to Whitsand Bay. Spent a lovely night on the cliffs, overlooking the sea.

Then back to Plymouth on Sunday morning for a 12-hour ironing marathon. I should have got sponsored.

Monday, August 06, 2007

So THAT'S why he's in the team

After yet another anonymous display from Frank Lampard in Saturday's traditional curtain-raiser, I can now understand why Frank Lampard is in the team. (Insert own Ballack joke here).

"You want it Mour-in-ho"


I get so pissed off with the mountain of spam emails that I receive each day. From the surreal to the ridiculous, it has really worn me down. So finally, I decided to buy some of these little blue pills that apparently increase the size of your penis, and fuck me they work! I used to think that spammers were snake-oil salesmen, but I would now heartily recommend them to anyone.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Bush Pictures

No introduction needed!

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Add White Spirit to your Google page

Great new way to keep up-to-date on new posts for White Spirit. For those of you that are using iGoogle, you can now add Smells Like White Spirit to your homepage. All you do is click 'Add Stuff', then click 'Add by URL' and enter and click 'save'. When you sign into iGoogle, you will then see links to the last 3 posts made.

Igoogle (UK URL
is the same as google, but you get a customised front page to include whatever you want. I've got a link to my favourite Ipswich Town website, Those Were The Days, plus moon cycles, news, sport & weather. Quite good, really.

Incidentally, you can also keep up to date on the Shit Sandwich by adding the URL - and Kyklops by adding the URL

Sadly for Little Zoe, Myspace is not linked to iGoogle, so her plans for world domination will not include Google.

I feel like my Dad!

Took the day off work today to catch up on stuff. And decided as well to work on Freddie. There was a cupboard at the back of the van by the bed which was really in the way. So today I bought a jigsaw, sawed the cupboard in half and extended the bed. I bought wood, and I even measured it all properly and carefully. And now it's finished, it all looks good (well, good for me) and I'm feeling quite proud of myself. I have an irrational fear of anything to do with DIY, particularly carpentry. And I've just made my first cupboard. Who knows, maybe they'll make a man of me yet.