Sunday, December 14, 2008

Now he's on his way out...

A story, as told by France's climate ambassador Brice Lalonde:

A man comes to the White House asking to see Bush. "He doesn't live here anymore," he is told. The next two days he comes again asking the same question, and receiving the same answer.

On the fourth day, the exasperated guard shot back: "I've already told you, he's no longer here."

"I know, I know," the man replied. "But it's such a pleasure to hear you say it."

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

How about a Big Hand for the Chancellor?

"Look at the girth of my fingers. Like a bunch of bananas. And you know what they say..."

Oh, looks like he's got one already. Has anyone else noticed this? His left hand is actually bigger than his head. Does he have elephantiatis of the hand? Is he the Anti-Beadle? A closet Kenny Everett fan? Or does he simply have a pin-head, which makes the rest of him look like it belongs to a giant? Either way, there's something seriously wrong with this man.


Q. What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A. Dr Dre


I went to the doctor with chest pains. He took some x-rays and an ECG, and then told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why?

He said "because I'm trying to examine you."


Q. What's the loudest sound in music?
A. Stevie Wonder answering his iron.


Q. What's Stevie Wonder's favourite colour?
A. Corduroy


Two monkeys are in a bath.
First monkey says "Oooh! Ooooh! Ooooh! Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!"
Second monkey says "For God's sake, put some cold water in, Kevin"


Q. What's the first sign of madness?
A. Suggs walking up your drive

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

My New Favourite Facebook Group

This really does make me laugh. Oh, the cruel irony. Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you:

Your in England.. Speak the Fucking Language!!!!

(Note the piss-take group next to it!)

Monday, November 24, 2008

An Emotional Ivan Campo Sings a Ballad to Jim Magilton

After learning that the Ipswich Town Manager has said he can leave the club, former Bolton and Real Madrid midfielder Ivan Campo sings him an emotional ballad, to try to get him to change his mind.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

BNP Google Map

Wonderful new addition to Google Maps, based on the recently leaked BNP party membership online. Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you BNP Near Me. I'm pleased to announce I only have 3 official racists in my post code.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

Would You?

Following today's revelations in court, the question sweeping the nation today is: How much would it take for you to sleep with Karen Matthews? Observers commented that there hasn't been this level of macabre sexual interest in a court case since Rosemary West.

It would probably be something like this

Rob from London, said: "Bearing in mind we're in a global recession, I don't think there's enough money in the world. Mind you, I don't think there'd ever be enough money in the world. In fact, if you were to build a Dr Who-type Tardis that could fly through space and time, and you were to use that Tardis to collect all the money that's ever been printed, from every planet that's ever been and will ever be, I still don't think you'd have enough money to make me sleep with that."

Jim from Birmingham, said: "I'd do it for a million, so long as you don't tell my wife."

Brian from Glasgow, said: "So long as I had a sharp knife nearby so that I could chop it off as soon as I'd finished, then yeah, why not? I can always buy a new cock with the money."

Michael from Folkestone, said: "I dunno, I'd probably do it for £500. But you'd have to give me a couple of weeks to get the money."

Looking for love? Will you be the one or will you end up under the patio like all the others?

Shannon's Mother "didn't ask" to be ugly

The mother of schoolgirl Shannon Matthews didn't ask to be ugly, jurors heard in a court today. Karen Matthews, mother of five children, all to different partners, also didn't ask to be 'death-faced' and a disgusting heartless slut.

Not my fault

Whilst giving evidence regarding the alleged fake kidnap of Shannon, now aged 10, Detective Constable Alexander Grummitt said he had been 'surprised' at just how ugly Karen Matthews was.

"Like everyone else, I'd seen the photos of her in the papers; but that is nothing to how she actually looks in real life. I mean look at her," he added, pointing to Matthews in the dock. "Once this case is over, there should be a criminal investigation into how she got five different men to sleep with her.

"I was thrilled once little Shannon was found, because it meant I didn't have to spend a second longer in her odious company. Frankly, even seeing her today in this court, I want to rip out my own eyes and vomit in the sockets. I mean, Your Honour - for a million pounds, would you?"

During the recess, whilst Judge Mr Justice McCombe was violently sick in his chambers, Karen Matthews' lawyer told the press:

"Look, clearly she's at the bottom of the gene pool, along with that weirdo Michael Donovan. But she didn't ask to be ugly, death-faced and a disgusting heartless slut, prepared to scar her young daughter for life for a bit of cash. I blame the makers of 'Shameless' for being bad role models."

Photoshopped at birth

Sunday, November 09, 2008

I am an East Anglian Boy

Thomsta's local spin on Kanye and Estelle's 'American boy'.

Public Can't Wait to be Truncheoned Across the Jaw, says Smith

Most British people are looking forward to having a policeman stand on their windpipe, the Home Secretary said yesterday.

More than 80% 'want it to be like Abu Ghraib'

Jacqui Smith insisted there was widespread public support for state-sponsored beatings and being asked to hand over your papers.

She said: "People have been coming up to me in the street and demanding I set about them with a baseball bat. One man even handed me a bamboo cane before getting down on his hands and knees and suggesting I start with his buttocks.

"And you would not believe the number of people who have already applied to be stripped naked and thrown in a police cell with a single, bare light bulb that is on 24 hours a day while being pummeled with a high pressure hose whenever they try to go to sleep.

"I ask them 'would you not want to know what you'd been charged with?' and they say 'no, of course not, that would be a victory for Al Qaeda'."

She added: "As I've always said, the vast majority of sensible people in this country understand that being at the business end of a brutal and unprovoked assault will actually make them safer.

"In fact, just last week I got a letter from an old lady who asked me to chase her onto the bus and then shoot her in the face. I thought I was going to cry."

Mild-Mannered Janitors tell Scooby Doo to Fuck Off

In a new twist to the Barack Obama / Mr Tubbs story, the National Association of Mild-Mannered Janitors has told Scooby Doo and his bunch of hippie misfits to fuck off.

"Fuck off and leave us alone"

At a hastily-arranged press conference, Barry Thomas, a spokesman for the NAMMJ said:

"Scooby Doo can fuck right off as far as I'm concerned. They seem to have some anti-mild-mannered janitor agenda. Yes, I'll grant you that Mr Tubbs is a member of the National Association of Mild-Mannered Janitors, but not all our members are psychopathic nutjobs who pretend to be ghosts or vampires or Democrats.

"I tell you, you don't know what it's like. Ever since Scooby Doo, whenever anything goes wrong, we're the first ones to be held under suspicion. Whenever there's a ghost threatening to close down an old cinema or a mummy running amok in an old abandoned house, it's always 'Oh, I bet the mild-mannered janitor's behind all this'.

"What about Hong Kong Phooey? He was a mild-mannered janitor, and yes, admittedly he also did lead a secret life, but he fought crime and he could walk on his fingers. It's discrimination, that's what it is. And I think the fact that Mr Tubbs chose to dress up as a black politician, has a delicious sense of irony.

"Most of our members do lead secret lives, but use it for the general good, like fighting crime as costumed vigilantes. But if they keep facing abuse from the public, and I can only see it getting worse in light of recent events, they'll probably end up telling you all to shove it up your arse. And then you'll be sorry."

In closing, Mr Thomas said he'd like five minutes with Scooby Doo and his virgin weirdo friends in a dark room, with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. "I'll shove those Scooby Snack dog biscuits so far up their arses, they'll be burping barks for a month" he added.

Barack Obama unmasked!

A shocking new story has just emerged about President-Elect Barack Obama, the first black man to be voted President of the United States. Details of the situation are sketchy at this stage, but it would appear that he is in fact the mild-mannered janitor of the White House, masquerading as the Democrat candidate for the Presidency.

Obama - or real name, Mr Tubbs - is, in fact, a white man in his 50's, and has worked at the White House for the last 30 years.

FBI Chief Todd Wurzlesticker said today that Mr Tubbs has been arrested and is currently being held at Washington State Prison. When asked how a janitor had managed to impersonate a US presidential candidate, he said Tubbs pulled it off by using a mask, a series of pulleys and a projector. "And he would have got away with it too if it hadn't been for a set of meddling kids." he added.

The credit for the discovery is being claimed by a small gang of 60's throwback acid casualties. One of the group, who referred to himself only as 'Shaggy' told us about how they had outsmarted Mr Tubbs:

"He like chased us for ages. And we were like Zoiks! But luckily me & my talking dog managed to hide in a set of pots, and using my ventriloquism skills, I managed to convince him we were in the other room. Then, he fell right into our trap of bamboo shoots, tied together with palm leaves. We took off his mask, and it was the mild-mannered janitor. But then, it shouldn't have come as that big a shock. It always seems to be the mild-mannered janitor, now I come to think of it."

Thank Fuck We Didn't Win, say Republicans

Now that the American election is over, John McCain has expressed his relief at not winning.

John McCain breathes a huge sigh of relief

"Our strategy from the start has been to lose the damn thing. Who in their right mind wants the responsibility of running this shit-infested toilet of a country? We're caused a world recession, we've fucked up the Middle East, and everybody in the whole world hates us. I've probably got more money than the whole banking industry put together and frankly, the whole thing is a fucking mess. Obama's welcome to it. We'll have it back when he's either managed to fix it or screwed it up so much that it won't matter what we do.

"I just want any potential gun-toting lunatics out there to wait until then before they decide to assassinate him."

Although Barack Obama remained a firm favourite throughout the campaign, Mr McCain has revealed there were some hairy moments.

"I thought the American people would have had enough of us, after what Bush did. He didn't so much as ruin the country as kidnap it, hold it hostage, tie it up then viciously buttfuck it with an unlubricated rusty pole over and over and over again.

"You could have given Al Qaeda an unlimited supply of fertilizer and airplanes and told them they had 8 years to do as much damage as possible, and they still wouldn't have done as much damage as he did.

"But just to make double sure, I thought the idea of Sarah Palin as Vice President, with her finger on the button if anything should happen to me, and let's face it, at my age, that's fairly likely - I thought that alone would probably be enough to scare the living shit out of anyone.

"But as ever, I seriously underestimated the American people. Most of them seemed to think I was the Bruce Willis character from Die Hard, and was just the sort of person to deal with those ay-rab terrorists. If I had a dollar for every time I was asked to say 'Yippee Kay Yay motherfucker', well, it might just about pay for Obama's media campaign.

"Honestly, it got so bad at one stage, I thought I might actually bloody win the thing. I thought for one horrible moment I was going to either have to get my cock out, or admit to having an affair with Palin. I'm not sure what would have been worse.

"Thankfully, the American people came through in the end, as I knew they would. The secret donations I made to Obama's media campaign were enough to pull him through and the public were spared the sight of my cock or the trauma of thinking of Sarah Palin in a sexual way. And nobody wants that."

Friday, November 07, 2008

Banks not happy until all that's left is Banks

The banks will not rest until they have destroyed everything that is not a bank, experts warned last night. Economists now believe the international banking industry is in the final stages of a detailed plan designed to bankrupt everyone and then kill them.

Dr Bill McKay, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Stage one was to engineer a credit boom and get everyone up to their nipples in debt.

"Stage two was to create some bullshit crisis and then exterminate the housing market.

"Stage three was to beg for a trillion pound bail-out and leave all the governments teetering on the edge of financial ruin.

"Now we're at stage four - refusing to pass on interest rate cuts, killing off any remaining businesses and forcing absolutely everyone into bankruptcy and death."

According to Dr McKay the banks will then tower over a wasteland of abandoned shops and decaying corpses before stealing whatever small amounts of change they can scavenge from the pockets of the dead.

He added: "The last remaining bits of cash will be held by Mervyn King, sitting alone in his office in Threadneedle Street. But the banks will hunt him down and devour him like a horde of rabid zombie vampires.

"They will then bulldoze away the ruins of everything that was not a bank and build a new society filled with pathetic little men who spend all day lending each other money and rubbing used tenners into their groin."

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Ross and Brand are Heroes, say Spanish

THE Madrid government last night sprang to the defence of Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross hailing them as the new heroes of anti-Spanish racism.

Prime minister José Luis Zapatero said the assault on Andrew Sachs was 'measured' given the actor's portrayal of a halfwit Spaniard who thinks a rat is some kind of Siberian hamster.

Zapatero said Sachs, banned from entering Spain since 1976, was single-handedly responsible for the country's image as a nation of greasy-haired chimpanzees who have to have everything explained to them twice.

A spokesman for the Spanish embassy in London said: "We've been leaving dirty messages on his answerphone for years. And every Sunday we camp outside his house and chuck handfuls of paella at his front door."

Spain's biggest newspaper El Pais said: "Señors Ross and Brand are the champions of every waiter who has ever served a table of drunken English tourists who find it amusing to answer all of his questions with 'Qué?' until one of them finally comes out with 'I'm so sorry, he's from Barcelona'."

Meanwhile, the BBC has offered Brand's £200,000 salary to the Treasury to help pay down the jaw-droppingly out-of-control national debt that everyone seems to think is irrelevant compared to some swear words on an answering machine.

And although Jonathan Ross will keep his job, he was last night told to apologise 18 million times over the next three years.

BBC Director-General Mark Thompson said last night: "Jonathan is very sorry and hopes this will go some way to making up for any distress he may have caused. But he remains a valuable part of the BBC and I look forward to threatening you all with jail in order to pay his multi-million pound salary."

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Latest National Mood to be Unveiled

SOME of the biggest names in Britain will gather in central London today for the unveiling of the new national mood.

Prime minister Gordon Brown will be joined by host of celebrities including Steve Coogan, Elaine Page, Sir Bobby Charlton and the stars of All Creatures Great and Small.

The mood unveiling comes as a poll in the Daily Telegraph found that 68% of Britons want everything to be much more like Victoria Wood.

Experts are predicting the much anticipated new mood will have no truck with high salaries, nail varnish and swear words, particularly 'fucknut' and 'cunt-features'.

The prime minister is also expected to outline plans for a wide-ranging government inquiry into what is and is not funny.

Tom Logan, national mood detector at the Institute for Studies, said: "The inclusion of the All Creatures cast suggests an early Fifties, austerity kind of mood. We're looking at decency, v-neck sweaters, decency, home-made broth, decency and everything being unbelievably tedious. There might be some scope for a bit of cheekiness on BBC1 on Saturday nights. Perhaps Victoria Wood could give a weekly rendition of that song she does about fucking."

He added: "It will be interesting to see if it works, particularly as most British workers spend their day forwarding emails and videos that make the Andrew Sachs wank fantasy look like Songs of Praise."

Meanwhile public outrage at the treatment of Andrew Sachs boiled over last night as Britain reached a new peak of furious incoherence.

News websites struggled to cope as millions of violently confused readers found themselves unable to contain their angry, ill-informed opinions.

A BBC spokesman said: "Britain is obviously trying to tell us something but they need to slow down and do their very best to communicate in whole sentences."

Some of the comments posted on The Times yesterday:

I don't know who these people are or what this is all about but thanks to them I have spent the entire morning being violently sick on my neighbour's car. It's a bridge too far. Or is it two bridges not too far enough? Bring back Hattie Jacques!
Mrs Margaret, Guildford

How would they like it if someone came into their bedroom in the middle of the night and drenched them in gin and started fondling their legs and then playing with their willy until it made a horrid mess? Not very much, is what I think. Filthy boys. We should kill them with lions.
jstraw, Blackburn

Thankfully I missed this whole sordid episode. When will the BBC do the right thing and repeat in full? I get back from work around six.
Chewbacca, Norwich

But the granddaughter though eh? She's not exactly, you know, is she? I mean come on, let's not forget what this is really all about. Exactly. Vote UKIP!
paddingtonbear69, Macclesfield

This reminds me of the time the Dimbleby brothers phoned me up during 'Any Answers' and offered to wank me into a teapot. I see the BBC hasn't changed one bit.
Andypandy, Taunton

Dear Jonathan Ross

I just shagged your daughter. Who's laughing now?

Yours Faithfully

Gary Glitter x

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Banks to Lend You Your Own Money

The Government is to invest £500bn of your money in British banks so they can lend it back to you with interest. The historic move is being hailed as a lifeline for the financial system as long as nobody asks too many questions.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Corbett and Barker, said: "The government will give your money to the banks so the banks can start lending you that money, probably at around 7% APR. Thanks to all the interest you're paying on your own money, the banks will make billions of pounds again and normality will be restored. After a few years of this the government will cash in the bank shares it bought with your money and use the profits to build a huge fucking dome somewhere."

He added: "In case you hadn't already worked it out - the entire global financial system is predicated on the assumption that you're an idiot."

Meanwhile, building a time machine to take us back 18 months would have been cheaper than the multi-billion pound bank bail out, it was claimed last night. As the government spent £500bn recreating the exact economic conditions of April 2007, Britain's leading time travel engineer said he could have done it for half that.

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "You need a Vauxhall Corsa, a small amount of plutonium and something I call the 'flux capacitor'. You simply punch in the date - let's say, April 15th, 2007 - activate the flux capacitor, and accelerate the Corsa to 88mph. At that point a hole opens up in the space-time continuum and in the blink of an eye you've got mortgages being handed out like free newspapers and credit cards coming out of your arse."

"And once you start giving people credit they can't afford and engineering a global banking collapse, you just jump in the Corsa and start all over again."

He added: "Of course, in 2007 there was no such thing as plutonium so we'll have to rig up some kind of giant lightning conductor. It'll be fine."

Meanwhile the National Audit Office has also criticised the government's overspend on recreating April 2007.

A spokesman said: "It would actually have been cheaper to launch an intergalactic space mission to search for the planet Krypton, find Superman, bring him back and get him to fly round and round the Earth until it started rotating the other way, thereby turning back time and opening up the wholesale money markets again."

Sunday, October 12, 2008


Q. What's the capital of Iceland?
A. About £4.50


Friday, October 10, 2008

Bask in my Celebrity

Took part in a Radio phone-in on BBC Radio Devon today, talking about the state of the mortgage market.

If you want to listen, click here:

Chez's 15 minutes of Fame

I'm on about 35 minutes in.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Spot the Difference...

Nice bit of ethnic cleansing by the Sun last week, in this picture of Prince William and his crew during Royal Navy manoeuvres in the azure seas off Montserrat. First picture is what appeared in the London Metro. The second picture is what appeared in the Sun. Although if you look not very closely in the second picture, you can still clearly see the guys knees. Makes it look like the boat is VERY excited at having Wills on board.

You can take out the black man, but you can't take out his knees apparently.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Ugliest Ipswich Town fan on Facebook

Had a bit of a shocker when I went on the Those Were The Days Forum earlier today. Saw a link, saying 'is this the ugliest Ipswich Town fan on Facebook?'. Clicked on it, and was faced with a picture... of me.

I mean, yes, I'm pulling a stupid face. But the UGLIEST? I mean, come on...

*** UPDATE ***
Have realised that the person who linked on the forum has worked out how to make it upload your OWN picture. Arse. Feel like a complete twat now.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Monday, May 19, 2008

Oh Lordi... It's Eurovision!

First event to take place for the 100 Club is going to be a EUROVISION SONG CONTEST PARTY, to take place on Sunday 25th May.

Sadly, I am going to a charity ball on the Saturday night, so it won't be live. But I will record it and run the party the following night. (Don't spoil it by watching it the night before - you will ruin the *ahem* magic).

There will be a sweepstake between all those that participate and whoever wins can add the total raised to their 100 Club target. All money raised goes to the Plymouth Samaritans.

Tickets to the sweepstake cost £5 each and there are 25 countries taking part this year. If we can find 25 people, each willing to pay to £5 to take part, that will raise £125. Your country will be chosen at random, from a hat.

If you are sadly unable to make the party, you can still take part - £5 buys you a sweepstake ticket!

Camper than Graham Norton in a tent, watching the annual Shirley Bassey impersonation competition on TV (held on a campsite), can you afford to miss Terry get progressively more drunk and raucous on (nearly) live TV? Can you afford to miss the German entry? Will the UK win (or get any votes)? Will Norway get 'null points' again? Will you manage to get through the night without biting off your own ears?

The party will take place at my house (please email / phone for details) just round the corner from the Thistle pub and will start at 7:30pm.

Bring your own drink - you'll probably need it. I will provide nibbles and ear plugs on request.

Please let me know ASAP as to whether you would like to attend / buy a sweepstake ticket.

Monday, May 12, 2008

AC Alittlesilhouetteofaman Results 2008

Regular readers of the White Spirit will know that I take part in a family Fantasy Football tournament each year. After a disappointing first season with Obi-Wan Kenobi Nil, I had high hopes for my boys this season.

And to be fair, after a rather ropey start, they did pull it together. Although sadly, I think the headstart I gave the leaders was too much to make up at the end, but a rather respectable 7th was not too bad at all. That's probably an Intertoto place, which I'm happy with. I am unofficially the Aston Villa of the Fantasy Football league.

Next year will be different, oh yes. I'm going to break the stranglehold of my dad's reign of terror. Oh yes. Just you wait til next year - it's only a matter of time, bwa ha haha etc.

Oh, and it was good to see Tafkass just about scrape himself out of the relegation places this year in 20th place, one place below my 85-year old Gran and three places behind my mum, who wanted to pick Gary Lineker.

Football Predictions 2007 - Results.

In July 2007 I gave my annual predictions for the football season to come. And once again, it was a mixed bag of successful punditry for Chez. I predicted:

- Ipswich to finish top half of table, but to miss out on play-offs.
Correct, and it was a difficult season. Invincible at home, pile of shit away, at least we were consistent. But now we have a new owner, we'll be expecting a much better return next season. Playoffs will be a minimum, with automatic promotion the target.

- Sheff Utd, Cardiff & West Brom to be promoted.
1 out of 3. West Brom promoted as champs, but Sheff Utd and Cardiff missed out.

- Man U to retain the Premier League Championship, with Chelsea a close second, Liverpool 3rd and Spurs 4th.
Partly Correct. United did win with Chelsea a close second. However, Liverpool only made it to fourth and Tottenham didn't even make it into the top half of the table all season.

- Wigan, Birmingham and Derby to be relegated
2 out of 3 correct. Birmingham and Derby did go down, but Reading were the surprise package and went down instead.

- Inter to win Serie A, Juve 2nd, Meeelan 3rd
Looks like Inter are going to win the league, but Roma are the team hot on their tails. Juve are third and Meeeelan are currently languishing in fifth with one game to go.

- Barcelona to win la Liga, Madrid to finish 2nd or 3rd
Incorrect - Madrid have been great this year and Barca have struggled.

- an English team to win the Champions League, most likely Manchester United
Correct, but we'll see whether it's United on Wednesday.

- England to not qualify for Euro 2008, McClown to be sacked.
Correct. And I predicted that Capello would be made coach.

- Italy to win Euro 2008.
We shall wait and see.

So all in all, not a bad return.

- Ipswich finished top-half of the table, but just missed out on the play-offs.
- West Brom promoted to Premiership
- Man United won the Premier League
- Chelsea finished close second
- Birmingham & Derby relegated to Championship
- Inter won the Scudetto (although it was closer than it should have been)
- Meelan struggled with a lack of strikers
- England failed to qualify for Euro 2008
- Steve McClown got sacked
- Fabio Capello took over as England Manager.
- An English team to win the Champions League (I said probably United - we'll see on Wednesday)

- Sheff Utd and Cardiff did not get promoted to Premier League
- Liverpool came 4th, not 3rd; Spurs didn't make top 4
- Wigan did not get relegated
- Juve finished 3rd, not 2nd. Meelan did not finish 3rd.
- Madrid won the Spanish League, not Barca

To be Decided:
- Italy to win Euro 2008

In the main, I think that's more right than wrong so I'm happy with that. I will let you know my predictions for the new season in August. And maybe this time, I might actually put my money where my mouth is!

A Joke about Snoop Dogg Part 2

Apparently, Snoop Dogg has also decided to do an Austrian tour, fo' schnitzel.

Fuck My Hat! I Never Knew That!

I thought Soft Cell did the original. But apparently it was Gloria Jones in 1964.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

It's a Knockout!

Roll up, roll up! Who fancies It's a Knockout? It's on the 12th July in Plymouth and is going to be supporting the Plymouth Samaritans. It's in teams of 10, so I'm looking for up to 50 people (well, 49 cos I'm doing it) to take part. It's going to be an amazing event and a hell of a lot of fun. If you fancy dressing up as a penguin or a giant king or some other such acid-fuelled madness, then drop me a line.

The only proviso is that you have to raise £100 sponsorship for the Samaritans. I can send you all the paperwork you need, including a sponsorship form etc. But it's for a great cause, and you'll have the best time you can have with clothes on.

Alternatively, if you don't want to take part, does anyone want to sponsor me? All donations gratefully received!

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

The 100 Club

Supporting The Samaritans - Join The 100 Club!

As some of you may know, I'm a Samaritan volunteer in Plymouth. The Samaritans does an amazing job helping people that are feeling distressed or suicidal. But the branch is totally self-funded and relies 100% on fundraising to continue offering the essential support it offers to its callers.

However, the Plymouth branch of the Samaritans is currently operating at a loss, despite the fact that everybody in the branch is an unpaid volunteer. In fact, last year the branch as a whole brought in less than £20,000 for the entire year.

As a result of that, I've launched a fund raising initiative called The 100 Club. The aim of the Club is to get 100 or more members to each raise £100 for the Samaritans. I'm going to be arranging sponsored events during the year which you can take part in - or alternatively, you can fly solo and run your own thing.

Events I'm hoping to run this year include a Fancy Dress race / pub crawl, Bouncy Castle-a-thon, It's a Knockout!, Sponsored Swim, Sponsored Walk, Sponsored Slim and a Twister-a-thon.

Whatever you choose to do, if you raise £100 for the Samaritans, you're in! You become a bona fide member of The 100 Club. Members receive:
- Official 100 Club Certificate, stating how much you raised;
- Goodie bag of Samaritans stuff
- Free ticket to The 100 Club Annual Awards Ceremony.

The Annual Awards Ceremony will be a black tie event, held at a top venue in the South West and will be FREE to anyone that has raised the £100 needed to join The 100 Club.

More information can be found by going to Alternatively, you can email me or ring me on 01752 253 950!

Thanks for your time!

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Random Jokes

Two nuns in a bath
One says "where's the soap?"
The other says "it's just there on the soap dish behind you"

Q. How many people from Pakistan can you fit in a mini?
A. Four. Two in the front and two in the back. Unless you have a third seat belt in the back middle, in which case it's five.

Q. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A. The Holocaust.

Q. What is ET short for?
A. Because he has little legs.

A Joke about Snoop Dogg

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

...Fo' Drizzle.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

A Joke about Cemeteries

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Why I Love Wrestling

Great, great comedy from Italian wrestler, Santino Morella. His girlfriend Maria has been offered the chance to pose nude in Playboy; Here is his response.

Race for the Presidency

I watched WWE Raw last night, where all three Presidential candidates addressed the WWE fans as to why they should be the President in November. They all used various wrestling analogies, which was 'interesting'. But the real fun was to come later on in the programme, with a wrestling match between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

Hillary Clinton, accompanied by Bill, played Hulk Hogan and Barack Obama played 'The Rock', complete with "Can You Smell what Barack is Cooking?" It was very, very funny. And as ever, Bill stole the show with some very, very funny comments.

For those that missed it, here it is in its full glory.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Bastard Thing

Having problems with Blogger at the moment - they seem to be screwing up my images and text. So this is a test post just to see if I've managed to fix it. But just to make sure it's not too boring, here's a little cartoon.

Sorry for the drop in quality, or at least the additional drop in quality. Usual poor quality will be resumed as soon as possible.

UPDATE: Have sorted out the problems, something to do with a new WYSIWYG editor they'd put in without telling me. Have gone back to the old style editor and all the problems have gone.

Massaging the Truth

I wrote a couple of days ago about a report, stating that the influx of Eastern European immigrants had not led to a crime wave, which had been widely predicted in the nation's media. In the post, I wondered what the Di'ly Express and the Daily Heil would write about now. I needn't have worried.

...wails the front-page headline from the ever-reticent Di'ly Express. "Immigration from Eastern Europe has led to a huge surge in crime, police chiefs will tell the Home Secretary today".

Interesting. The Express claims to have seen an advance copy of the police report, which had revealed that in fact immigration has not increased the rates of crime in Britain. In fact the Express includes in its own article quotes from the co-author of the report, Chief Constable Peter Fahy, who had said: "Migration has had a significant impact on UK communities, but while this has led to new demands on the police service, the evidence does not support theories of a large-scale crime wave generated through migration."

But hey, what the hell would the Express do with facts like that? Their 'evidence' for their claims comes in the following 'damning' passage from the report:

"EU migration has brought with it a huge surge in the exploitation of migrants and organised crime."

So hang on chaps... What you're saying is that migrants have been taken advantage of by the indiginous population? Don't you feel proud to be British? As a measure of just how shameless the Express story is, The Heil only find room for their spin on things on page 12 of their esteemed journal.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Wrestling Lookeylikey

Wrestling legend and sometime filmstar The Rock and Doncaster's own Wayne Scott. Separated at birth? No, not reeeeeeaallly...

Which makes it all the more bizarre that Mr Scott has been charged with three counts of fraud for trying to obtain goods under false pretences by pretending to be The Rock.

Apparently, he contacted Everton Football Club and tried to get free tickets to the Everton - Manchester United game. He also contacted Manchester United and tried to get them to send him free stuff too.

Incredibly, his rouse failed as neither club had probably heard of T' Rock and he is now facing a probable prison sentence.

Urban Sniper

Been getting quite addicted to a game called Urban Sniper. Basically, you play a matchstick sniper, trying to take out various criminals etc. If you do feel like you just have to kill something, why not kill a matchstick man?

Offensive Advertising

Just heard possibly the most offensive advertising I've ever heard. I was watching UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship), which features mixed martial arts bouts. It's a great mixture of thai kickboxing, jujitsu, boxing, wrestling and other martial arts.

But it's sponsored from time to time by Badger John's Hunting Stuff. And their advertising slogan on the programme is "Badger John's - because sometimes you just have to kill something".

No. I. Don't.

The Immigration Myth

A wide-ranging police study has concluded that the surge in immigrants from eastern Europe to Britain has not fuelled a rise in crime. The study, carried out for the Association of Chief Police Officers, challenges claims that the influx of 1 million people from Eastern Europe have caused a rise in criminality.

According to the report, criminality of the Eastern European contingent is broadly in line with the rate of offending in the general population. Indeed, around 1 million people have come to the UK from Eastern Europe and the annual crime rate, as recorded by Police, has actually dropped by 9% in the year to September 2007. An extra 1 million people and crime has dropped? Doesn't sound like a crime wave to me.

It will be interesting to see how the Daily Heil will react to that. And the Di'ly Express will find it even harder - with Diana's inquest having come to an end, they are going to be gutted if they have to lose another one of their major headliners.

There is a real need to discuss immigration in this country; but I just wish it could be an intelligent discussion, as opposed to the Enoch Powell-esque vitriol that is usually poured out.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Friday, April 11, 2008

Honestly, this country...

A teenager was greeted by a display cabinet instead of a taxi because her 'Ali G-style' slang confused a series of phone operators. The girl hurriedly dialled directory inq­uiries to book a taxi from her home in London to Bristol airport, using the cockney rhyming slang Joe Baxi. But the operator told her they were unable to find anyone by that name. Seething, the youngster snapped back: "It ain't a person, it's a cab, innit."

The operator duly gave her what she asked for and put her through to the nearest supplier of cabinets, Displaysense.

"Look love, how hard is it?" she fumed. "All I want is your cheapest cab, innit. I need it for 10am. How much is it?"

The sales adviser told her £180. The tantrum-throwing teenager quickly left her address details before ringing off. The next morning, rather than being picked up by a cab, the young woman had the cabinet dropped off.

Marketing manager Steve Whittle said yesterday: "We thought it was a joke at first but the girl was absolutely livid. We have suggested that maybe she should speak a bit clearer on the phone."

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Shocking State of Affairs

West Yorkshire Police have been questioning Shannon Matthews' mum. Not about why Shannon disappeared, but on how she got 5 different men to sleep with her.