Friday, June 30, 2006

Like Prawn and Thousand Island Dressing...

They're on a roll.

I'm talking about the mighty Azzurri. Admittedly Ukraine are not exactly Brazil, but I thought that they played really rather well. Zambrotta is looking excellent. Toni didn't get the hat-trick I predicted, but he did score two, so that'll be good for his confidence. Even Totti looked a bit better, but the defence is looking stronger than ever. With Nesta back, they'll be pretty much watertight. And the midfield, which for so long has been the problem area for Italy in my humble opinion, has got the Milan pairing of beauty and the beast (Pirlo and Gattuso) playing incredibly well.

They're going to take some stopping. I think they'll beat an admittedly resurgant German team comfortably, and it all depends on who they meet in the final... I think it will be either Brazil or England. I think Eng-er-land will have too much for the Portuguese, and Brazil Globetrotters will beat the old men of France.

But can Eng-er-land beat the Globetrotters? Depends entirely which teams turn up. I think that a lot will depend on the elephant boy, and which team Well aaah decides to put out. Lampard needs to play better. Stevie G is going to be important. And Terry needs to up his game. But there's the small matter of Big Phil first...

More World Cup Lookeylikies.

Italian sub midfielder Simone Barone and lanky impressionist Alastair McGowan...

Italian style...

Italians are well known for their excellent sense in style (excluding, obviously, the shit sandwich's taste in shirts). However, why have the Italian team decided to wear shirts that make them all look like they have incredibly sweaty armpits? The dark blue stain in the underarm region is very bizarre indeed.

I'll bet £50...

That tomorrow, you'll see at least one of the following two headlines in one of the redtop papers tomorrow.

'Argy-Bargy' or 'Don't cry for me Argentina'.

But what a surprise? Who would have thought the Jerries would have knocked out the Argies? To be honest, I think that Pekerman lost it for them with a very strange team selection, followed by some very dubious substitutions. I mean, leaving Saviola and Messi on the bench was one thing. Taking off both Crespo and Riquelme was very poor indeed. As soon as Germany equalised, which was always on the cards, Argentina just simply could not get back in the game.

Not that I'm complaining. I think that I'd rather meet Germany in the final than the Argies. They looked excellent. Although the Jerries are looking better. I think they'll struggle to beat Italy, though. The Azzurri are looking very strong indeed. I fully expect them to thump Ukraine tonight.

Despite his inability to hit a cow's arse with a banjo so far, I'm betting on Luca Toni doing really well. I hope so, he's in my fantasy football team! Here's hoping for a Toni hat trick, with Italy winning 4-0.

Separated at birth...

Well, you've never seen Uncle Fester and Ray 'The Crab' Wilkins in the same room together, have you?

You couldn't make it up

Courtesy of my friend Harriet, this album is available for sale. She told me about it, and I thought it was a joke. But, as the link shows, it is actually true...

Animals - are they crap or are they good?

Was having a conversation tonight with my friend Harriet, and she found my philosophy on animals to be rather funny.

Now take pets out of the equation for this. Cats and dogs don't count, because they're mini-humans, basically. I separate animals into three categories - crap, neutral and brilliant.

Neutral animals are animals like sheep, fish, perhaps owls. Yes, I know they're trendy now with the whole Harry Potter thing, but fundamentally, they're just a head with feet. Neutral animals are ones that I really have no opinion on. They are neither crap nor brilliant, they're just there.

Brilliant animals are animals like badgers, leopards, anteaters and maybe pandas. Not because they look cute, but because their diet consists almost entirely of bamboo, and barely gives them enough energy to survive. So they have to eat almost constantly, just to not die. Such a pointless diet - and surely easily curable by perhaps eating things that they actually can digest and that give them more energy. That's what makes Pandas brilliant.

And anteaters, well, they like eating ants. So they have to grow ridiculous noses to get the ants out when surely the more sensible option is to not eat ants at all. If you had to choose something to eat for a million years, so much so that it meant growing a two foot long nose, you wouldn't choose ants. You'd perhaps grow bigger claws and perhaps some teeth to eat something else.

I just like the pointlessness of them. Like flying fish. There's absolutely no point allowing a fish to fly. Where's it going to go?

Unlike birds, which frankly, are crap. Oh I know, they do all that flying around, but it's wasted on them. They're dull. There are a few notable exceptions, of course. Hummingbirds, for example, which have to evolve wings that can beat hundreds of times a second and tongues that wrap around their brains, just to eat essentially flower juice. What a pointless use of evolution. But I like the idea of pointless animals, which is what makes them brilliant.

And I do like those mad birds in the tropics that puff themselves up to do those crazy sex dances. They are absolutely brilliant. And robins, which are just so damn spherical, they look like they were designed by the winner of a Blue Peter competition in Heaven to design an animal.

However, apart from those, birds are fundamentally crap and dull. As are goats (with the notable exception of the mountain goat, which, if it butts its opponent too hard, its hooves fall off).

The Skoda Fucking Amazing

I saw on the Shit Sandwich a reference to 'Sharons', a word that has simply slipped out of the English vocabulary. It has been replaced with the now universal 'Chav' (or if you live in Plymouth, 'Janner'). More's the pity, and you can always bank on the shit sandwich to rescue unloved and abandoned words.

As I pondered this fact outside my office today, a car pulled up, it was a VW Toerag, and I remembered that it was VW that also made the VW Sharon (much to the horror of the UK VW dealers). Which made me wonder why car manufacturers have such crap names for cars?

I mean, half of them seem to be named after Jazz mags (or the other way round, admittedly). The worst seems to be Skoda, I was most amused to see their Skoda Superb, apparently without even the slightest hint of irony. Almost as funny as the Skoda Fellatio.

Rather than trying to rescue the irreparably damaged Skoda name, they should have simply rebranded. It worked for Datsun and many others. And someone needs to tell VW what they can, and cannot, call cars in the UK.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Going Cold Turkey

No, not my heroin addiction (which I'd never do, just in case my mum is reading. Yes, I'm sure it's quite buzzy but it can be a bit moreish). I'm talking about the footie at the World Cup.

Even though I haven't watched every game, now that it's not on for a couple of days, I feel myself missing it. What am I going to do when it ends? I'm sure I used to have a life pre-World Cup. I wonder if the Government will set up a support group for similar addicts such as myself, perhaps using substitutes like recorded footage of matches. Just goes to show that absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Battle of the Bottlers

Tonight's encounter between the cheese-eating surrender monkeys and the animal-loving Spaniels should be interesting. France have really bottled it this tournament and are lucky to be in the second round. Whereas Spain have looked good, but have a proud tradition of bottling it when tipped to do well. I think the French will lose. If only because in Domenech, they have a manager who is even more of a mentaller than Glenn Hoddle, and the team has an average age of 103.

And just goes to show that you can never underestimate the bottling ability of the Spaniels. And how crap I am at predicting scores.

High Tiddly Iti?

See that Juve Sporting Director Gianluca Pessotto has been seriously injured in a 'fall'. Apparently, he managed to fall out of his office window, all by himself.

Now, I don't know the intricate details about the scandal rocking Juve at the moment and whether Pessotto is in any way involved. But with the cloud of investigation hanging over the old lady, and the threat of possible relegation, it's a strange coincidence. And you can't help but wonder if it's not a coincidence at all. I mean, how the hell do you fall out of your office window? I've been working in an office for many years, and have so far successfully managed to not fall out of any windows at all. Even when my desk was right next to one.

I think that until Italian football (and Italy in general, you could argue) manages to clean up its corruption culture, there will always be an element of doubt in situations like this.

UPDATE: Initial reports suggest that he threw himself off the balcony. Now, it may be a suicide attempt. Ignoring the fact that he was holding a rosary and that as a Catholic, suicide is one of the worst sins, I still can't help suspecting foul play. I mean, he'd only been in the job of Sporting Director a month... I still don't think I'll completely believe it unless someone actually saw him jump. But apparently his injuries are not life-threatening, so we'll find out more when he recovers.

Monday, June 26, 2006

I'd rather put pins in my eyes...

...than watch another football match like that. Ukraine vs Switzerland, it was utter dross. If ever a game needed a streaker. And why the fuck has the BBC got Mick McCarthy as a commentator? I mean, I thought Mark Lawrenson was gloomy. If you listen carefully, you can actually hear a bell tolling just before he speaks. He makes you want to slit your wrists every time you hear him. But Mick McCarthy just sounds like he doesn't want to be there. Like he doesn't want to be anywhere. He sounds like the sort of twat that has to get up early in the day, just to have time to moan about everything he wants to moan about.

I cannot understand the level of commentators at this World Cup. You've got Alan 'Paint Drying' Shearer. 'Big' Gareth Southgate. Gloomy Mark Lawrenson. David 'The Twat' Pleat. Fat Sam... I mean, there MUST be some people out there with a bit of personality. I like Hansen. I've always liked El Tel. And Big Ears does a decent job as an anchor man.

Why can't ITV get a decent anchor man? I mean, Gabby Roslan is shit. Steve Ryder? Come on... He should be doing the snooker, not a top gig like this. And as for the Count from Sesame St, Jim Rosental... Bring back Des, is all I can say.

Get Moaninho on, that would be a laugh. Alan Brazil did quite well a while back, I seem to remember. Surely there must be someone out there that can add a bit of entertainment. And no, I don't mean Ian Wright. Or that twat from Dudley.

What about James Richardson, the extremely talented presenter of Football Italia on whatever channel it is now (The Shopping Channel?). He is arguably the best anchor man I've ever seen and is wasted where he is. Great for us lovers of Italian footie, but I think he could easily step up to the bigger stage.

Rediscovering Old Music...

I've rediscovered The Cure. No, not the fat, bloated Jo Brand lookalike that Mr Smith is now, but their earlier stuff. They were my favourite band when I was growing up, and were just so damn good. It's always a bit strange going back to your old bands, seeing if they still move you in the same way, and damn, they do...

I bought 'The Top' recently off Ebay and today it arrived. What a great album, it was my favourite album for a long time... Their 'heroin' phase really was their best phase. But sadly, heroin is all well and good, but it's a bit moreish, and eventually they managed to stop. And although I'm sure as people they are happier, their music has never been the same since. I wonder what the link is between heroin and great music? Perhaps we should try giving some to the contestants on X Factor. I'm sure it would help. It would make great telly. I'd watch it.

London Underground

For anyone that's ever lived and worked in London, and had they joy of using the Underground, you'll really like this...

The Best Advert in the World Ever from those rather clever and funny chaps over at QI. Click here to watch. You'll need sound...

Hunting Poll, stolen from the 'Chase Me Ladies' blog

This is truly hilarious. Normally, I'd just post a link to the guy's site, but because there's so much else on the guy's site, and this poll doesn't have its own page, I've linked to it here.

Annoying Adverts

Does anyone else get annoyed at those stupid Natwest adverts? "My shop open hours. My vocab no verbs". It irritates me so much. My kingdom for a fucking verb. It's just so smug. Especially seeing as pretty much every branch of Natwest in Plymouth has actually already been turned into a trendy wine bar. They quite simply can't close any more.

But that doesn't annoy me half as much as those adverts for shampoo and hair products, which promise 85% more 'shine', or to have hair with 65% more colour. How can anything have more colour than it already has? And how the fuck do you measure it? Today my hair is twice as brown as it was yesterday. Really? How can anything be more brown than it was before? It's a colour.

It pretends to give it a scientific basis. I wouldn't mind if they said it looks brighter, or 80% of people thought it made it look twice as red or something subjective. But to say that a hair product can measure something that is fundamentally immeasurrable just gets on my tits. I'm amazed they can get away with it.

And don't even get me started on those stupid Gillette adverts. "You know the feeling... you win... they go home..." I have shaving gel at home called Gillette Mach 3 Nitro. It's a fucking razor, not a Lamborghini. I await with baited breath the new Gillette Mach 3 Nitro Turbo Nutter Bastard.