Crappy Obviously Self-Penned Jokes

Inspired by the mighty Tafkass and his Very Poor crappy and obviously self-penned jokes, and my Uncle Stephen's self-proclaimed Facebook grumpiness (His status: Q. What do you call a grumpy cow? A. Moo-dy), I have two COSPJ's of my own.

Q. What's the grumpiest day in France?
A. Mardi

Q. What do you call a grumpy dwarf?
A. Tetchy

Ithangyew.

Reasons Not to Listen to your Mother #2156

I have a skin tag on my neck, which looks a bit like a mole and my mother has been going on at me for months to let her freeze it off. Finally, last weekend, I consented and allowed her to attempt to freeze it off. And the result is, I now still have a skin tag - it just no longer looks like a mole. Now it looks like a very small erect penis. On my neck. Thanks. for. that.

I'm not saying I have a large penis. But I am implying it

Just back from a fun weekend spent with my family in Ipswich - culminating in a visit to the O2 Arena to watch the WWE wrestling. Now, I actually quite like wrestling. Watching it, I mean. So I was so excited when we got the tickets, I told everyone that I would only go if we went in fancy dress.

I decided to rework an old favourite, so my character was Giant Mansacks. Seemed like such a good idea at the time, until my sister (who's been before) told me that NO ONE else dresses up and they all take it VERY seriously.

On the night, both me and my nephew Jake got dressed up and I was slightly worried that our irreverent costumes might annoy a few people... But I needn't have worried. Aside from a few embarrassed parents trying not to explain to their 6-year old children what 'mansacks' were, most people took it in good spirit. And the guest presenter was David Hasselhoff!

So, here are some choice photos of the night.

Don't Worry...

After a few worried communications about my mental state / consumption of mind-altering narcotics (and a very concerned conversation with my mother) I can reassure all my readers I am not on acid or having some sort of delusional breakdown.

A haiku is simply a Japanese poem. And the 'monstrous psychedelic bubble exploding in my mind' is actually the name of an album I've been listening to.

Glad to have cleared that up. Normal drug-fuelled madness will be resumed shortly.

Good Luck

to Little Zoe, who starts her degree at Brighton University this weekend. Ah yes, the joys of uni. Best years of my life etc. I won't go into a nostalgic rambling about the japes and scrapes of my time at uni, but I hope you will all join me in wishing her all the best. Oh, and don't get too carried away by the cheap union cider and end up shagging someone during Freshers' Week. You will regret it.

Little Zoe is off to Uni!

Hopi-ng Mad

Got my parents staying with me this weekend, working on our house. Sadly it's pissing down with rain in Devon, so we're stuck indoors with nothing to do. So my dad decided to let my mum stick a burning hopi candle in his ear. I had a go as well, and I'm pretty sure I can hear better than I could before. All in all, though, a rather surreal way to spend a Saturday night.

Trip down Memory Lane

And when I got back from Kynance Cove, I drove up to Sheringham to spend a few days with my family on holiday. When I was a kid, this was where we always went on holiday. It was great to see the old places, although it was a lot smaller than I remember. Particularly Beeston Bump, which was like a mountain when I was small. Now it's not so much a mountain as a molehill. It has been partly eroded by the sea, but it's mainly wagon wheel syndrome - things seem much bigger when you're young.

My dad's family were all from here and it's one of the few places where I feel like I have some real roots. We saw where my Gran used to live and the gates that my great granddad made. It really felt good to be back where there are so many memories. I've moved around so much, I sometimes feel a bit like a nomad. Going to Sheringham was pretty grounding.

And I had a great time with my nephews, sister and her husband and my mum. We went crabbing on the beach and found the weirdest crab I've ever seen. Bit like a cross between a crab and a spider. All in all, it was a great holiday as the pics show!

The boys

Sheringham Beach

Me

Me & my sister

My nephew

The weird crab / spider

Springfield Frolics

I have been on the Simpsons website, where you can create your own Simpsons characters, and have Simpsonized (sp?) friends, family and regular readers of the White Spirit.

(Click on the picture to enlarge)

Can you tell who is who? They are, in no particular order:

Yow Mutha; Dinky Flop; Little Zoe; Yours truly; Helen; Nicky; Miguelinho, the Shit Sandwich; Carrie; George; Anna; Sal.

And the Word Was...

Went to see Genesis at the weekend with my parents. My mum told someone she was going to see Genesis and they replied: "What, the band?" - what a missed opportunity to reply with "No, the dawn of creation. I'm a Timelord." Although bizarrely, she did tell an old lady she was going to see Genesis and she did actually reply "What, from the Bible?".

And as an added bonus, I got to play with Freddie for the first time (my new camper van). The concert was in Twickenham, so I decided to spend the weekend up there. And the fluffy purple fur and bubble wrap I used to insulate the inside worked an absolute treat.

But the concert was absolutely brilliant. I was a little concerned that they would only play their more recent stuff, which is pretty crap - and there was a quite hilarious moment when the entire stadium sat down during a particularly poor rendition of Hold on my Heart and started talking amongst themselves. But things soon picked up after that, and there was a good mixture of old stuff and some really old stuff, which kept the crowd going. Highlights included a brilliant rendition of In The Cage, the Phil Collins / Chester Thompson drum duet and a surprising yet excellent techno version of Domino.

Genesis are probably my favourite band of all-time and it was great to finally see them live. I just wish they'd do a reunion tour with Peter Gabriel and Steve Hackett...

The boys in action.

My parents rocking it large.

Sticks & Stones...

My oldest nephew Benn has broken his collarbone, playing football. And damn, the bones appear to be facing the wrong direction. And for some reason, he wants me to put the picture on the blog, so here it is. Hope you get better soon, Benn!

My Mother will be so proud.

Sent an email to my cousin who works at Vodafone, with a link to the blog. The email got cut out by their systems, because it scored a 9 on the offensive scale.

Now whilst I was obviously quite proud of that, I think if I try a bit harder, I can hit that elusive 10. Although, bearing in mind in recent posts I have written about bestiality, necrophilia, space-docking (thanks, Little Zoe), the Queen as an insect and the Pope being the Antichrist, I don't quite know how much more offensive I can be without actually getting arrested / locked up in the tower and / or Vatican / placed on the sexual offenders register.

Anyone have any ideas?

A Tale of Family Bravery

I'm in Ipswich this weekend for a wedding. I've been having a look at some old photos, and I found one of Little Zoe when she was younger. Regular readers of Smells Like White Spirit will be familiar with Little Zoe, my cousin, who did so well as guest editor when I was on holiday earlier this month.

What you won't be aware of is her bravery. Bravery that she is herself far too modest to tell. Because, dear reader, Little Zoe is called 'Little Zoe' for a reason. On account of the fact that she was born with no legs. Instead, she was born with frog-like flippers.

Her parents did their best to camouflage her unique condition, as this photo shows:


















Fortunately for her (but unfortunately for the UK Olympic swimming team), as she reached maturity, the flippers grew into proper legs and she is now more or less 'normal'. Although I haven't seen her in the much-hyped shorts, so there may still be tinges of green.

I just want to say "Little Zoe (or 'Frogger' as she is affectionately known within the family), you are an inspiration to us all.

Family Fortunes

Went to my cousin Graham's wedding this weekend in Bath, and what a great day it was. It was my dad's side of the family and some of the people there I haven't seen in perhaps 6 years or so. Like all weddings, there was some very dodgy disco dancing going on. None more so than Uncle Malcolm with my sister Zoe...



But was really good to catch up with the family again. We used to meet up every boxing day, but it's been many, many years since we've done that. So it tends to be weddings or funerals when we all get together.

And the wedding itself was great. And I couldn't help but wonder if I'll ever have one of those. I'd like to think I will. But who knows what the future holds? But hopefully it won't be another 6 years before we all meet up again.

Back, back and bigger than ever

Had my sister, her hubby and my 3 nephews over last week to visit. And somehow, they managed to trash my internet access, along with everything else... I used to like my sister coming to visit me - she'd bring marigolds and bleach. This time I had to clean the house myself after she left. The ignomy. Anyway, hence the quietness on the blog front. But I have managed to get my own 'singe technique' to fix everything and normal service will now be resumed.

I always suspected that Bush is to blame...

I've got my nephews staying over. Benn is 13, Jake is 10. On the way to Plymouth, Jake was asking me about the current Israeli - Hezbollah crisis, and I was rather impressed. I certainly wasn't that involved in current affairs when I was that age.

But I was highly amused when I asked what he thought of it. "The Israeli's are really tough" he said. "But I think the lesbians started it"

After a brief moment of confusion, I realised he actually meant the Lebonese.