What's the plural of Haiku?

My cock is so big
It's like an elephant's trunk.
How big is yours, then?

Britain's Got Talent.
I almost ripped my cock off.
Won't watch that again.

Poor Jim Magilton
He's been replaced by Roy Keane.
Shame, but he was shit.

The End of Harry Potter

"But Harry", said Hermione "Ron and I have never seen Lord Voldemort. How will we know what he looks like?"
"Because he's got no nose." replied Harry.
"No nose?" asked Ron, incredulously. "How does he smell?"
"Terrible." replied Harry, before Hermione & Ron beat him to death with their wands.

That's how I'd have ended the last book in the series, but then perhaps that's why I'm not a multi-million pound writer.

But I've finished the book and know how it ends... Don't worry, I'm not going to spoil it for you. The last book in the series is dark as hell. It's been interesting to see how the books have got darker and darker as the story has developed. There were a lot of very young kids there last night, and I wouldn't necessarily say these are children's books anymore. But it was a good read and I'm truly sorry to see the end of Harry Potter.

One final note, it will be interesting to see what, if anything, JK Rowling will do now. I don't think that anything she will do will be as good as Harry Potter has been. It's certainly going to take something special to follow this.

Potter-mania

Just got back from Waterstones with my copy of the new Harry Potter book, Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows. I had nothing better to do, so thought I might pop down for a laugh. Managed to blag it for 8 quid (as opposed to the rather hefty £17.99 on the cover). I was quite amazed at how many people were there. But I got my copy and I can't believe she kills Harry at the end.
















PS I don't know if she does really kill Harry at the end. I haven't read it yet.

Lifestyle of the Rich and Shameless

...is hopefully what I will soon be living! I've decided to start trying to get my novel published. So today I sent off a letter to an agent (the same guy who represented Yartel Mann, the author of Life of Pi), asking if he'd like to represent me. I thought I'd start at the top, and you may be looking at (or reading the blog of, at least) the next Booker Prize winner.

If anyone would like to read the book, let me know. All feedback is welcome. As are any offers of nepotism regarding agents, publishers etc!

Now the Novel is finished...

It an explosion of creativity like I've never previously experienced. To write a 65,000 word novel in less than 6 days... The whole story and dialogue just ran through my head, like I was watching a film. I literally couldn't write fast enough. If I hadn't had to go to work and if I'd been able to type faster, I'd have finished it much sooner.

Writing it was intense... And I didn't plan the storyline in advance, I had no idea how it was going to end. In fact, I often didn't know what was going to happen even in the chapters I was writing. Which meant I learned about the storyline at almost exactly the time as the characters and indeed, the reader. And it worked... Somehow it worked. I have absolutely no idea whether I'll ever be able to do this again. I hope so. I'd quite like to be an author. A lot will depend on whether I can get this one published or not. If I can, I'll definitely try and do it again.

But it was a book I needed to write, even though I had absolutely no idea as I was writing it. It's so bizarre, the main character is on a journey in both a physical and metaphorical sense... And I walked every step of the way with him. And even at the end, I still didn't know what the point of it was. I just wrote what I saw.

And three days later, it's starting to make a bit of sense now. Amazing how the human psyche finds a way to let you to see what you need to see, even if you can't see with your everyday eyes. I'm not going to go into any detail, but it's all good.

Finished!

Well, it's taken six days and 65,000 words but the novel is finally finished. The Trouser Legs of Destiny are now ready to walk into a bookshop near you. It's been intense, seriously intense. I don't know if I'll write a second one, I guess that depends on whether I can get the first one published. But it's been absolutely draining. And yet exhilerating at the same time. I can't believe I've finally managed it, my own novel. I can safely tick that one off the list of things to do before I die.

Ladies & Gentlemen, we have a title...

I've just reached 50,000 words and I know how it's going to end. How do I know? Because I've already written the last chapter, that's how. Now just have to finish the last third of the book and it's a done deal.

And we have a title. 'The Trouser Legs of Destiny' by Chez Guevara. There you go. Available in all good bookshops, just as soon as I find someone to publish it...

This Novel-writing lark is easy!

I'm now past halfway, just finished Chapter 22. So far, I've written about 41,000 words. Which equates to about ten thousand words a day. If I carry on like this, I should be finished by Wednesday, I reckon! I'm going for the world record in shortest time to write an entire novel. If I can get it done by Tuesday, I'll have written the whole thing in a week.

It's been a lot of fun, so far. I would recommend it to anyone. The hardest thing is coming up with the original idea. As soon as you've come up with that, the rest just writes itself! By the way... if anyone knows any publishers... I'll give you a 'shout out' in the book!

So far, so good!

I'm about quarter of the way through the novel now, I've just finished chapter 10. So far I've written about twenty thousand words. I have no idea whether it's good enough to get published, but that's not really the point. Of course, once I've finished it, I will try and get it published... But I won't cry if it doesn't happen. It will be just enough to have written it.

I did consider putting the chapters written so far on the blog... But I'm a little worried that it might get nicked. I know it's not very likely, but you can never be too careful. Who knows, I might be sitting on a blockbuster, and if anyone's going to reap in the rewards of it, it'll be me! You do hear sometimes of people stealing ideas or even sometimes entire manuscripts of stories. If it's good enough for Dan Brown (allegedly), it will be good enough for some internet dweeb running low on inspiration.

But it has actually been remarkably easy so far. As soon as I came up with the bare bones of the story, the rest has just fallen into place. I'm at a bit of a crossroads in the plot. And I haven't worked out how it's going to end yet. But then again, I quite like that. I've got a couple of ideas about how it's going to end, but nothing yet set in stone. I'm sure all will become clear soon.

If anyone wants to read what I've written so far, let me know and I'll email you some chapters.

A Novel Idea

They always say that adversity is the breeding ground of creativity. Don't they? They don't? I'm sure I heard them say that. I'll ask them next time I see them. But anyway, I've decided that it's about time I started doing some of the things I've been meaning to do for a long time. I don't mean things like 'wash socks' or 'hoover floor'. You can always buy more socks and if I hoover the floor, it will only get dirty again. It always does. No, I mean the REAL things I've been meaning to do, the ones on my list of things to do before I die.

So last night I started my novel. I took it so seriously, I actually started it twice. My first attempt was shit. Far too rambling, no real storyline or even thought as to what it was I was going to write. It actually read a little bit too much like a blog, but one of those self-obsessed MEEEEE blogs. So I decided to scrap that and write it in the third person. And I decided to not make it entirely about me but to have a storyline.

I've just finished the first chapter and I'm rather excited about it. I have the bare bones of a storyline. I've got the beginning down, I've set the scene, so to speak. I've got a vague idea about the ending, although I suspect that the ending will be clear within itself. I have a vague idea about the middle. I'll keep you posted as to how it goes.

I'm a Record Breaker, yeeeaaah!

Strutting my funky stuff on telly and everything. I may look like I'm doing it wrong, I am in fact freestyling


I have goals and ambitions in life. Not your usual success / job type ambitions. Money is an illusion and work even more so. (Eh? That's a bit profound for a Sunday). More like the check list that you'll be ticking off on your death bed at the grand old age of 130... When the job you did, the money you earnt, the things you've bought no longer matter.

There are the important ethical and moral ones - did I leave the world in a better place than it was when I found it? There are the emotional ones - did I meet the girl of my dreams, or did it not quite work out how I thought it would? Did I raise my kids to respect the world they live in, am I proud of how they turned out...

And then finally there is a category I like to call 'miscellaneous'. Miscellaneous are things like 'I'd like one day to run the London Marathon' or 'I'd like one day to publish something' and things like that. You wouldn't be racked with regret if you didn't do it in your lifetime, but it would be something that if you did actually do it, that you could remember with fondness.

And this weekend, I achieved a 'miscellaneous', albeit a rather tenuous one. I was part of an event that got into the Guinness Book of Records, and I've always wanted to do that. Sadly you won't be reading 'Jamie Lee' in the book, because I was just one of 8500 other people, but I went to the largest dance class in the world at Haytor, on Dartmoor.

I did have a scare when they signed me up as a dance teacher, but thankfully I managed to blag my way out of that one... But it was a fun event nonetheless and I did meet some really nice people at the event.

I don't think I'll ever have the discipline to actually get there under my own steam. I can't see myself really going balls out, for example, to put more clothes pegs on my face than anyone else. In the words of Bill Bailey, the only thing you need to do to beat that record is just have a bigger face. But I can say that in 2006, I was in the Guinness Book of Records and that'll do for me.