Monday, August 03, 2009

Tories to Remain Utterly Silent until after General Election

A senior source within the Conservative Party has divulged that the Tories intend to say absolutely nothing whatsoever until after next year's General Election, preferring instead to let Labour do all their work for them.

After substantial analysis, the Tory think tank Policy Exchange has isolated Gordon Brown's three major flaws: Everything he does, everything he says and the unerring ability to come out smelling of shit even when he's right.

You can't
polish a turd

However the tipping point has been the fact that once again Gordon Brown is facing the prospect of a leadership challenge - and the two main candidates are Harriet Harman and the unelected self-appointed Dark Lord of Fucking Everything, Peter Mandelson.

In an interview with the Telegraph, the head of Policy Exchange, Fisty B'Stard said:

"So let me get this right. Even if they somehow manage to prise open Gordon Brown's death grip on power and get rid of him, the alternative will be either a megalomaniac Sith Lord or a man-hater. That's like asking would I prefer to be anally raped with my own dismembered penis or brutally murdered with a clawhammer."

"However, every time David Cameron opens his mouth, he does tend to say something incalculably stupid. So we've decided it would be best for everyone if he remains utterly silent. We think that as long as we can keep his mouth completely and totally shut for the next 9 months or so, we'll be in Number 10 before you can say 'vacuous'. Obviously we don't need to worry about the Lib Dems, so with Labour as they are, hopefully we'll be a shoe-in."

"I mean, Peter Mandelson. In charge of the Labour Party. Ha ha ha ha!" he said, before adding "Aha ha ha ha ha."


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