Monday, April 07, 2008
A Scottish Adventure
Just got back from my tour of Scotland and what an excellent time I had. 5,000 kilometres in seven days and it was simply magnificent. On my way up to Scotland, I decided to have a look at the Lake District, which was very pretty. But nothing in comparison to the beauty of Scotland.
I started off at Loch Lomond, which was very pretty indeed. Drove across to Oban and up to Fort William, taking in Ben Nevis on the way. I took in the snow-capped mountains at Glencoe, which were simply staggering. Then across to Loch Ness. Had a look around the Cairngorm mountains, and then took the magnificent road from Fort Augustus to Skye.
At this point, half my exhaust fell off, but Rudy was still driving well (allbeit now sounding rather disconcertedly like a Vauxhall Nova). Had a look around Skye, then took the Wester Ross trail from Lochcarron to Applecross, which was simply stunning. I carried on along the West Highland coast til I picked up the wonderfully fantastic John O'Groats coastal road. Then down the east coast to Inverness, followed by some random zig zagging, to make sure I hadn't missed anything.
Finally, decided to take the scenic route home rather than the motorway, so I came home through Northumberland and the Yorkshire Dales, which were both covered in snow.
A truly fantastic holiday, quite simply the most beautiful place I've ever seen. The southern highlands have got the most beautiful mountains, lochs and trees. The Western highlands are barren and yet awe-inspiring. The north is greener, with beautiful coastlines and beaches. The east is a bit like Cornwall, big seas and green coastlines.
And there was hardly anyone there. A lot of the roads are single track roads, although very well maintained and quite often, I wouldn't see another car for hours. I would definitely recommend it to anyone. I thought I was lucky living in Devon with Cornwall on my doorstep, but the Scottish Highlands are simply magnificent. I will certainly be going back as soon as I can. Photos and videos to follow!
I started off at Loch Lomond, which was very pretty indeed. Drove across to Oban and up to Fort William, taking in Ben Nevis on the way. I took in the snow-capped mountains at Glencoe, which were simply staggering. Then across to Loch Ness. Had a look around the Cairngorm mountains, and then took the magnificent road from Fort Augustus to Skye.
At this point, half my exhaust fell off, but Rudy was still driving well (allbeit now sounding rather disconcertedly like a Vauxhall Nova). Had a look around Skye, then took the Wester Ross trail from Lochcarron to Applecross, which was simply stunning. I carried on along the West Highland coast til I picked up the wonderfully fantastic John O'Groats coastal road. Then down the east coast to Inverness, followed by some random zig zagging, to make sure I hadn't missed anything.
Finally, decided to take the scenic route home rather than the motorway, so I came home through Northumberland and the Yorkshire Dales, which were both covered in snow.
A truly fantastic holiday, quite simply the most beautiful place I've ever seen. The southern highlands have got the most beautiful mountains, lochs and trees. The Western highlands are barren and yet awe-inspiring. The north is greener, with beautiful coastlines and beaches. The east is a bit like Cornwall, big seas and green coastlines.
And there was hardly anyone there. A lot of the roads are single track roads, although very well maintained and quite often, I wouldn't see another car for hours. I would definitely recommend it to anyone. I thought I was lucky living in Devon with Cornwall on my doorstep, but the Scottish Highlands are simply magnificent. I will certainly be going back as soon as I can. Photos and videos to follow!
Sunday, April 06, 2008
My new van
May I introduce you to my new van. In keeping with Japanese naming traditions, it's called a Toyota Master Ace Surf. I was terribly sad to see the back of Fredzilla; And I've done what any self-respecting man would do after a split from a loved one, I've replaced him with a younger and more mobile model.
Rudy at Loch Ness.
Rudy at Skerray Harbour.
He goes by many names; There are some who call him the Silver Surfer. There are some who call him Ace Adventurer. There are some who call him simply Rocky. There are some who call him Tintin, the Hustle from Brussels. There are some who call him Ka'ahele, God of Travel. There are some who call him Camp David. But you can call him... Rudy.*
* For those of you that don't know, Rudy is a character from The Mighty Boosh, a High Priest of the Psyechedelic Monks. His full name is Rudy Van Disarzio, or Rudy Van Di Stasi as my van shall be known.
Rudy at Loch Ness. 
Rudy at Skerray Harbour.He goes by many names; There are some who call him the Silver Surfer. There are some who call him Ace Adventurer. There are some who call him simply Rocky. There are some who call him Tintin, the Hustle from Brussels. There are some who call him Ka'ahele, God of Travel. There are some who call him Camp David. But you can call him... Rudy.*
* For those of you that don't know, Rudy is a character from The Mighty Boosh, a High Priest of the Psyechedelic Monks. His full name is Rudy Van Disarzio, or Rudy Van Di Stasi as my van shall be known.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Time for an Adventure
I'm off to the Scottish Highlands for a week in my new van. No time to post properly, but I hope to post some pictures when I get back. See you all in a week!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Eng-er-land & Martin Tyler's bet
Just finished watching a rather disappointing match on Sky between England and France, which the French won 1-0. Even though it was only a 'friendly' (if such a thing can exist between England and France), I thought the boys played rather poorly. Unlike Derby County manager Paul Jewell, I thought they lacked penetration upfront. Let's hope Don Capello can bring out the best in us before the World Cup qualifiers start in September.
However, I can't help thinking that Sky commentator Martin Tyler won a secret bet during the game. I can't remember the name of the game - probably Office Bingo - but it was a game I used to play with friends during office meetings, or lately celebrity dinners.
The idea is, a friend will give you certain key words or phrases that you have to slip nonchalantly into the conversation, and you get points (or cash) for using those words in a proper sentence. To give you an idea, I was once at a 'celebrity' dinner, where I had the pleasure of sitting next to Biff from Emmerdale. I managed successfully to use the words 'Zebra', 'Avocado' and 'hung like an Iraqi Despot'.
And thus I was able to spot Mr Tyler's rather harsh but fair word drop during a mazy run by France's Frank Ribery. As Ribery tried to waste a bit more time late on in the match, Martin Tyler commented something along the lines of "...and Ribery is doing his best to win a bit of sanctuary for France late on..."
Apropos to nothing, here is a picture of said footballer, Frank Ribery. Yes, he does remind me of someone. At least, his face rings a bell.
However, I can't help thinking that Sky commentator Martin Tyler won a secret bet during the game. I can't remember the name of the game - probably Office Bingo - but it was a game I used to play with friends during office meetings, or lately celebrity dinners.
The idea is, a friend will give you certain key words or phrases that you have to slip nonchalantly into the conversation, and you get points (or cash) for using those words in a proper sentence. To give you an idea, I was once at a 'celebrity' dinner, where I had the pleasure of sitting next to Biff from Emmerdale. I managed successfully to use the words 'Zebra', 'Avocado' and 'hung like an Iraqi Despot'.
And thus I was able to spot Mr Tyler's rather harsh but fair word drop during a mazy run by France's Frank Ribery. As Ribery tried to waste a bit more time late on in the match, Martin Tyler commented something along the lines of "...and Ribery is doing his best to win a bit of sanctuary for France late on..."
Apropos to nothing, here is a picture of said footballer, Frank Ribery. Yes, he does remind me of someone. At least, his face rings a bell.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Bouncy Bouncy
Stopping smoking today. As they say, it's the cigarette that smokes; the person puffing on it is the sucker... Or some other glib Americanism. Anyway, I'm rather excited about it this time, I'm really hoping I've cracked it. I'm a bag of contradictions today. Feeling restless, yet lethargic. Energetic, yet tired. Up and down, bouncy bouncy, with a head full of jelly. Man, I hope I feel better tomorrow.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Surely Some Mistake...
No, and don't call me Shirley. Radio 1 DJ Ladette Sarah Cox has just had a baby boy, and has decided to call him Isaac. Now, with a surname like Cox, surely someone must have told her to choose a different name?
He'll hate you for it when he's older.
He'll hate you for it when he's older.
Cock of the North
This is the Gough Map, dating from roughly 1360. It's the earliest surviving map that shows Britain in a recognisable shape. Previous maps - favouring theology over geography - would show how Britain fitted into the wider world of Christendom, but would forget to make the island even roughly the right shape.
But the Gough map, named after the 18th Century antiquarian Richard Gough, who bought it in 1744, boasts a roughly accurate coastline, recognisable rivers, cities and roads. The only thing it gets badly wrong is Scotland, which looks like a schoolboy drawing of a penis, complete with 'spunk islands'.
Personally, I prefer this one to the modern one.
But the Gough map, named after the 18th Century antiquarian Richard Gough, who bought it in 1744, boasts a roughly accurate coastline, recognisable rivers, cities and roads. The only thing it gets badly wrong is Scotland, which looks like a schoolboy drawing of a penis, complete with 'spunk islands'.
Personally, I prefer this one to the modern one.
Is there Life on Mars?
Pictures taken by NASA's Mars Explorer Spirit have emerged showing a very strange human shape walking down a hill. Is this proof of alien life on Mars? Or is it a trick of the light?
I Could See, but Now I'm Blind...
About 50 people have blinded themselves by looking at the sun after reports of a miraculous image of the Virgin Mary in the sky. People in India started staring at the sky after reports of the visions were said to have appeared over the former home of a hotel owner in the Kottayam area in southeast India, The Daily Telegraph has reported.
One hospital in the district reported 48 patients had been admitted with burned retinas since last week. Churches have warned their congregations that looking at the sun will cause permanent blindness and have told them the supposed miracle is not one.
One hospital in the district reported 48 patients had been admitted with burned retinas since last week. Churches have warned their congregations that looking at the sun will cause permanent blindness and have told them the supposed miracle is not one.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
The (Big) Daddy of Wrestling
Regular readers may know that I do enjoy a bit of wrestling. I think it dates back to when I was a kid and my nanna used to take us to the wrestling when it was on at the Ipswich Corn Exchange. Many a fun few hours spent watching the likes of Rollerball Rocco, Giant Haystacks and of course, Big Daddy.
The WWE can get a bit Team America, but even so, it's great entertainment. For those that haven't seen it, it's like a homoerotic pantomime with oiled bodybuilders in leather Y-fronts. And it's even more fun watching the ridiculously patriotic USA-USA-USA crowd get remarkably worked up over what is fundamentally a rather vigorous dance routine.
But I digress. TNA Wrestling is the poor man's brother to WWE and, as such, it feels it has to be twice as extreme as WWE to be thought of as half as good. I caught some of TNA Destination X tonight, and to be honest, I've never seen anything so surreal and weird in all my life.
It started off with Curry Man and Shark Boy in a Fish Market Street Fight. Curry Man and Shark Boy are both Japanese 'super' heroes, who repeatedly beat their opponents in the groin with frozen fish. Very strange indeed. I don't know why it was set in a fish market; maybe something to do with sharks eating fish? All very lateral and really rather disconcerting.
Then there was a Stand By Your Man Leather Strap match. Where basically, two men fought and the loser would allow his baloon-breasted female partner to be thrashed with a leather strap ten times. And they actually did it too. I'm sure the BDSM crowd loved it, but I've never seen a girl thrashed on prime time family TV.
They're just about to start another match, an Elevation X match. A free-floating giant 'X', which hangs 30 feet above the ring. First one to fall off is the loser.
And they haven't even got to the main event yet. How will they top this? Perhaps they'll have an Anal Sex Cucumber match or maybe a Donkey Derby Candyfloss match.
The WWE can get a bit Team America, but even so, it's great entertainment. For those that haven't seen it, it's like a homoerotic pantomime with oiled bodybuilders in leather Y-fronts. And it's even more fun watching the ridiculously patriotic USA-USA-USA crowd get remarkably worked up over what is fundamentally a rather vigorous dance routine.
But I digress. TNA Wrestling is the poor man's brother to WWE and, as such, it feels it has to be twice as extreme as WWE to be thought of as half as good. I caught some of TNA Destination X tonight, and to be honest, I've never seen anything so surreal and weird in all my life.
It started off with Curry Man and Shark Boy in a Fish Market Street Fight. Curry Man and Shark Boy are both Japanese 'super' heroes, who repeatedly beat their opponents in the groin with frozen fish. Very strange indeed. I don't know why it was set in a fish market; maybe something to do with sharks eating fish? All very lateral and really rather disconcerting.
Then there was a Stand By Your Man Leather Strap match. Where basically, two men fought and the loser would allow his baloon-breasted female partner to be thrashed with a leather strap ten times. And they actually did it too. I'm sure the BDSM crowd loved it, but I've never seen a girl thrashed on prime time family TV.
They're just about to start another match, an Elevation X match. A free-floating giant 'X', which hangs 30 feet above the ring. First one to fall off is the loser.
And they haven't even got to the main event yet. How will they top this? Perhaps they'll have an Anal Sex Cucumber match or maybe a Donkey Derby Candyfloss match.
Monday, March 10, 2008
A Joke about the Tax Man
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question" noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer but on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."
"I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question" noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer but on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."
"I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
Storm Devastation in Devon
Terrible storms at the moment in Plymouth, with howling winds and driving rain. I've attached a photo illustrating the damage caused to a friend's house last night. It really makes you cherish what you have and reminds us to not take things for granted.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Double Standards
So, if Gazza gets himself sectioned for wondering around a hotel with a pretend parrot, why hasn't Lenny Henry been sectioned for this toss?
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Monday, February 04, 2008
Goodbye Fredzilla (final part)
Freddie was sold on EBay tonight for £999, which I think is a bit of a bargain. So it is with a heavy heart that I say goodbye to Fredzilla, but the guy who has bought him is going to live in him in Brighton, so he's clearly going to a great home. I wish him and his new dad all the best.
And as ever, the best thing to do after a split from a loved one is to rebound recklessly onto another relationship, so watch this space...
And as ever, the best thing to do after a split from a loved one is to rebound recklessly onto another relationship, so watch this space...
A Joke about Excuses
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said." I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."
"Perfect," her husband said." I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Goodbye Fredzilla (continued)
Fredzilla is now on EBay. If you would like to see how he gets on, click here: Fredzilla on EBay.
More photos below!
More photos below!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Changed since my day...
Heard on Radio 5 Live this morning that faith & private schools are 'creaming off the top pupils'. Things have changed since my days at public school. All I got were book tokens and a pat on the head.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Goodbye Fredzilla
So I've finally succumbed and bought myself a sensible car. Well, actually it isn't that sensible. But it's certainly more sensible than what I have been driving. Which was a Leyland Daf camper van, which I painted to look like Godzilla. His original name - Freddie, after Camp Freddie in The Italian Job - was morphed into Fredzilla after his extreme makeover (Big up to my nephew Jake for the name).
So now I am looking for a new home for Fredzilla. He's unique. He's reliable. He's got not one, but two (yes, two) double beds. Perfect for the kids, dogging or when the mindnumbing desperation of camping in the rain in England makes you bicker incessantly with your other half (who wanted to go to a Greek island, but oh no, we had to stay in England in this fucking van), so you end up sleeping in separate beds to the sound of melodramatic whimpering.
He's got a hob with gas! He's got elec-trickery! A table! Seatbelts, front and rear!A toilet! A solar panel! Cupboards! And a top notch (well, quite good) CD player! He's a 2.5 diesel and he's waiting for you... If you're really lucky, I might even throw in a stuffed penguin (Not a real one). He's done about 125k miles and he's got about 5 months MOT (I think) and 6 months tax.
He's been my main method of transport for about 8 months now and has never missed a beat. He's been all round Devon & Cornwall, I've driven him to Suffolk a couple of times without any problems.
And now for the pictures... I haven't taken any inside ones yet, but will do in the next couple of days. Ladeeees and Gennelmen, may I introduce you to Fredzilla. Yours for a grand.
So now I am looking for a new home for Fredzilla. He's unique. He's reliable. He's got not one, but two (yes, two) double beds. Perfect for the kids, dogging or when the mindnumbing desperation of camping in the rain in England makes you bicker incessantly with your other half (who wanted to go to a Greek island, but oh no, we had to stay in England in this fucking van), so you end up sleeping in separate beds to the sound of melodramatic whimpering.
He's got a hob with gas! He's got elec-trickery! A table! Seatbelts, front and rear!A toilet! A solar panel! Cupboards! And a top notch (well, quite good) CD player! He's a 2.5 diesel and he's waiting for you... If you're really lucky, I might even throw in a stuffed penguin (Not a real one). He's done about 125k miles and he's got about 5 months MOT (I think) and 6 months tax.
He's been my main method of transport for about 8 months now and has never missed a beat. He's been all round Devon & Cornwall, I've driven him to Suffolk a couple of times without any problems.
And now for the pictures... I haven't taken any inside ones yet, but will do in the next couple of days. Ladeeees and Gennelmen, may I introduce you to Fredzilla. Yours for a grand.
Bill Bailey's Kraftwerk Tribute
Absolute genius from Bill Bailey's Part Troll live show.
For those that get the email update, click here to watch the video.
For those that get the email update, click here to watch the video.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Top Sneer
There are some foreign phrases, for which we have no English equivalent. A classic example is the German Schadenfreude, which means literally 'joy of harm'. No, this isn't a reference to certain German films, involving chains and an unhealthy interest in bodily fluids; instead, it's kind of enjoyment you get from seeing someone fall over - for example, 'You've Been Framed' is pure undiluted Schadenfreude.
The Italians have a phrase which I have sadly forgotten. It's something like che shemo or something. Perhaps the venerable Tafkass, over at www.verypoor.co.uk will be able to illuminate me. It's loose translation is 'what an idiot', but it's used purely to describe someone that suffers in some way as a direct result of their own stupidity. The best example of this is probably the Darwin Awards.
I am sad to have forgotten that phrase, because it perfectly describes Jeremy Clarkson.
For those not familiar with his work, he's the rather brash British TV presenter of Top Gear. In his column in The Sun, he wrote about the recent Goverment scandal where the bank details of some 25 million people were sent out on a disc and lost by the Government. He stated that it was a storm in a teacup and that fraudsters could do very little with anyone's bank details. So confident was he, that he published his own bank details in the paper. He even gave readers hints as to how to find out his address.
"All you'll be able to do with them is put money into my account. Not take it out. Honestly, I've never known such a palaver about nothing" he told readers.
So, I found it hilarious when a reader set up a £500 monthly direct debit to Diabetes UK using the published details, forcing Clarkson into a humiliating climbdown:
"I opened my bank statement this morning to find out that someone has set up a direct debit which automatically takes £500 from my account" he said. "I was wrong and I have been punished for my mistake. Contrary to what I said at the time, we must go after the idiots who lost the discs and stick cocktail sticks in their eyes until they beg for mercy."
I actually don't mind Jeremy Clarkson - he can be quite funny and I think his brash, smug persona is all part of his comedy. However, I bet I'm not the only one to be thrilled that it happened to him.
The Italians have a phrase which I have sadly forgotten. It's something like che shemo or something. Perhaps the venerable Tafkass, over at www.verypoor.co.uk will be able to illuminate me. It's loose translation is 'what an idiot', but it's used purely to describe someone that suffers in some way as a direct result of their own stupidity. The best example of this is probably the Darwin Awards.
I am sad to have forgotten that phrase, because it perfectly describes Jeremy Clarkson.
For those not familiar with his work, he's the rather brash British TV presenter of Top Gear. In his column in The Sun, he wrote about the recent Goverment scandal where the bank details of some 25 million people were sent out on a disc and lost by the Government. He stated that it was a storm in a teacup and that fraudsters could do very little with anyone's bank details. So confident was he, that he published his own bank details in the paper. He even gave readers hints as to how to find out his address.
"All you'll be able to do with them is put money into my account. Not take it out. Honestly, I've never known such a palaver about nothing" he told readers.
So, I found it hilarious when a reader set up a £500 monthly direct debit to Diabetes UK using the published details, forcing Clarkson into a humiliating climbdown:
"I opened my bank statement this morning to find out that someone has set up a direct debit which automatically takes £500 from my account" he said. "I was wrong and I have been punished for my mistake. Contrary to what I said at the time, we must go after the idiots who lost the discs and stick cocktail sticks in their eyes until they beg for mercy."
I actually don't mind Jeremy Clarkson - he can be quite funny and I think his brash, smug persona is all part of his comedy. However, I bet I'm not the only one to be thrilled that it happened to him.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Deadliest Virus on the Planet
I had this virus on New Year's Eve... and was lucky to escape with my life.
For email viewers, click here to watch the video.
For email viewers, click here to watch the video.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Hardcore Morris Dancers
Possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen - I present you with the Hardcore Morris Dancers.
Friday, December 07, 2007
A Joke about the Canoe Man
John Darwin walked into a Police station this week, after being announced missing for the last five years. Although he has no memory of what happened in during that time, he says it's the last time he'll ever go on holiday with the McCanns.
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