A (crap) Joke about Football

David Beckham is returning to England to speak at Alan Ball's wake. Being a dead ball specialist he is seen as the perfect man for the job.

Best Advert I've Seen This Year

For those on email update, visit www.chezguevara.com to watch the video.

Lifestyle of the Rich and Shameless

...is hopefully what I will soon be living! I've decided to start trying to get my novel published. So today I sent off a letter to an agent (the same guy who represented Yartel Mann, the author of Life of Pi), asking if he'd like to represent me. I thought I'd start at the top, and you may be looking at (or reading the blog of, at least) the next Booker Prize winner.

If anyone would like to read the book, let me know. All feedback is welcome. As are any offers of nepotism regarding agents, publishers etc!

A joke about Fatherhood

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave to him and says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her so he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says,"No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Good T shirt

Jade Goody's had triplets...

Have you ever been this drunk?

Oh Bloody Fuck and Bugger.

And big dogs' cocks to boot. Yes, you've guessed it. Girl of my dreams has dumped me (again). Won't go into too much detail here, needless to say I'm feeling pretty down about it all. It had been a rather magical 2 months together, and it was all going so well. And yet I'm down, but not out... Normal service will soon be resumed, just as soon as I feel like being cheerful.

As luck would have it, though, my friend Anna is coming back from the Turks & Caicos this weekend, and she'll be here for the next week or so. I suspect there'll be a lot of unnecessary drunkenness. And next weekend, my old uni friend Susan is coming down to sunny Plymouth, so that will be fun too. Bugger and arse, though. Honestly, sometimes I simply despair.

With a Name like that, what else was he going to do?

The expert at the World Health Organisation, who is recommending circumcision as a means to combatting AIDS is called... Doctor de Cock.

A Joke about Catholic Girls

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl:

"Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Jill, What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"

Doctor Lookeylikie

One is Doctor Evil. The other is that bloke from the Austin Powers films. Badaboom!

Doctor Who?

I must have missed this when I was away, but I've just heard that everyone's favourite poomuncher Gillian McKeith has been forced to stop using Dr. So from now on, she is only Miss Gillian McKeith. This was after a complaint was made to the Advertising Standards Authority by a member of the public, who had challenged whether the poisoned dwarf was a qualified and accredited doctor and entitled to use the term.

I must say, I do hate the woman. I feel that she is a bully, earning a fortune from the misery of fat people. And I actually read her book. What a waste of money. It was poorly written, poorly researched and full of glaring inconsistencies. For someone so obsessed with poo, she is clearly full of shit.

Man Milk or Moo Milk?

Can you tell the difference in this quiz?

Alternatively, why not try the Hacker or Spacker test... Or perhaps the Gash vs Tash quiz... Or why not guess whether the ladies are having vaginal or anal sex in the Tunnel vs Funnel Challenge?

Party Like it's 1983...

I've discovered a quite brilliant website for downloading music, www.albumbase.com. And I've spent the afternoon downloading old electro albums. I'm currently listening to Electro & Hip Hop Classics from about 1983 in the office. You just can't help doing robot dancing and lame breakdance attempts. As you can see from this photo I just got one of my colleagues to take. You never lose it completely...

The 'Smells Like White Spirit' Fantasy Festival

So you're Doctor Who (or perhaps Bill and Ted. Well, Bill or Ted. You get the drift) and you can go anywhere in time to create your ultimate fantasy festival. Who would you go for? Bear in mind you can pick who you want, when you want, so Genesis for me would be circa 1973 with Peter Gabriel as singer, for example.

Who would you choose? This is the poster for my fantasy festival... Click below to take part and maybe I'll lend you my time machine so you can set up your own...


Come to my Fantasy Festival
or create your own

A Joke about Tescos

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tescos with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says:

"Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not" replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice."

Plymouth Chav in 'Can Write Own Name' Shocker

Some absolute twat has graffiti'd my house. They've written 'Dan' right by my front door. Well done, you can write your own name. Your mother must be so proud. On the plus side, I showed my housemate Charu and she exclaimed "Oh no... Who's done that?" I had no choice but to reply "Not sure, but I suspect it was probably Dan".

What do Bored Radiology Students do to Pass the Time?

Time to Tidy Up

Hairy Pussies

Was reading my mate Kyklops recently, and he was saying that he is getting an awful lot of traffic from Google, due to some rather unfortunate text in one of his blog posts. To cut a long story short, he posted a quite innocent story about a Japanese wrestler and somehow Google extrapolated the information from the story and now anyone that types in Gay Japan or similar, is linked to his page.

I would just like to say that I would never knowingly stoop to misrepresenting the good ship White Spirit in a shallow attempt at increasing traffic. Having said that, here are some pictures of some big, fat, hairy pussies that my sister sent me.