Tuesday, October 31, 2006
My Mother will be so proud.
Sent an email to my cousin who works at Vodafone, with a link to the blog. The email got cut out by their systems, because it scored a 9 on the offensive scale.
Now whilst I was obviously quite proud of that, I think if I try a bit harder, I can hit that elusive 10. Although, bearing in mind in recent posts I have written about bestiality, necrophilia, space-docking (thanks, Little Zoe), the Queen as an insect and the Pope being the Antichrist, I don't quite know how much more offensive I can be without actually getting arrested / locked up in the tower and / or Vatican / placed on the sexual offenders register.
Anyone have any ideas?
Now whilst I was obviously quite proud of that, I think if I try a bit harder, I can hit that elusive 10. Although, bearing in mind in recent posts I have written about bestiality, necrophilia, space-docking (thanks, Little Zoe), the Queen as an insect and the Pope being the Antichrist, I don't quite know how much more offensive I can be without actually getting arrested / locked up in the tower and / or Vatican / placed on the sexual offenders register.
Anyone have any ideas?
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Super Blues
Alan Lee, Hat-trick heroAfter today's fantastic result, which I watched on Sky, I've now reset my clocks to Suffolk time - 5 to Ipswich. What a performance! I haven't seen the Blues play that well in quite some time.
Billy Clarke looks a massive prospect - let's hope we manage to keep him for the time being, at least. And 'Monica' Legwinski has recaptured the sort of form that made him so popular at Fulham. Our new signing Roberts looks like he's going to be a handful. And of course, my namesake Alan Lee (Lee, being the namesake, not Alan) got a deserved hattrick.
One thing that struct me as bizarre. Everyone always talks about 'keeping a clean sheet'. It actually struck me watching the match that that's a rather unsavoury metaphor, if you think about it. If you let a goal in and don't 'keep a clean sheet', it makes it sound like you've shit the bed.
But anyway, what a perfect 24 hours. I spent all day yesterday cleaning my house, so my house is sparkling... I've got the girl of my dreams... Norwich lost 5-1... And I watched my team win 5-0 with a masterclass in football. Right. I'm off to buy a lottery ticket. You never know.
But I do know that if my smile gets any broader, my head is going to fall off.
A Joke about Suicide
A guy walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
"Fuck Off" says the librarian, "You'll never bring it back"
(Again, courtesy of my lovely sister)
"Fuck Off" says the librarian, "You'll never bring it back"
(Again, courtesy of my lovely sister)
A Joke about Michael Jackson
Undertakers have announced that when Michael Jackson dies he will be melted down to make plastic toys, so kids can play with him for a change.
(Courtesy of my lovely sister)
The Blues go green...
Project ambassador and club skipper, Jason de Vos with chairman, David Sheepshanks. Ipswich Town Football Club has started an initiative to make itself the first ever carbon neutral football club.
With the support of main sponsor E.ON, the Defra Climate Challenge Fund, and CRed, the 'Save your energy for the Blues' carbon reduction programme aims to help tackle the issue of climate change. The season long initiative is the first project of its kind anywhere in the UK.
The scheme also aims to help the club, Ipswich Town fans and the wider Suffolk Community understand and tackle climate change through informing, challenging and changing people's attitudes.
I think this is a great scheme. Whilst people's political, emotional and even religious persuasions can change, your football club is for life. When a politician talks about green issues, no one really listens. I really hope though that this will make even the most apolitical of people stand up and take note. I hope that this scheme is the first of many, and I'm proud that the Tractor Boys are leading the field for once!
Grinning like Bonnie Langford
Some of you may know that for some considerable time I've had a bit of a crush on someone down here in Plymouth. Well tonight, we finally hit it off and it's official. I'm grinning like Bonnie Langford.
She's the nicest person I've ever met, in fact I was blown away by her the very first time I met her. It's rare that you meet someone that has that sort of impact on you, where you think 'Wow! I have GOT to get to know YOU...'
But don't worry, gentle reader, this blog will not turn into a love-in and I will still be posting the same old crap that I always do. I'm just bouncing off the ceiling, it's nearly 2 in the morning and I had to share it with someone before I explode.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Jimmy Jangle
This is quite simply genius, by those clever chaps over at Rathergood.com. You'll be singing this all day.
Hell hath no fury..
You've got to feel sorry for Stefan Postma. A ditched girlfriend has posted a homemade sex video of the ex-Aston Villa goalkeeper on the internet. But not just any old video... In the video, he is shown being 'pleasured' by the girl with a large strap-on.
She originally put the video on Ebay where he got into a bidding war with a Sunday tabloid, but he managed to outbid them and won. He thought that was the end of it, but apparently she wasn't satisfied. Unlike him, it would appear...
His agent released a statement, which raised a childish chuckle:
"This would not happen in Holland, but in England it is different. Stefan had a girlfriend who was not the right choice, but we hope it is all behind us now"
Apparently a Dutch website showing the video subsequently crashed due to overuse, while a television station was deluged with complaints after a clip was broadcast.
I've never made a video with a girl. I certainly wouldn't make one with me being buggered (not that I'm into that, you understand). Particularly not if I was famous. That is really asking for trouble.
Apparently, the player was on the brink of signing for Ipswich before the scandal hit. I am so pleased he didn't. We town fans have taken it up the arse for too long, we don't need the players doing it too.
She originally put the video on Ebay where he got into a bidding war with a Sunday tabloid, but he managed to outbid them and won. He thought that was the end of it, but apparently she wasn't satisfied. Unlike him, it would appear...
His agent released a statement, which raised a childish chuckle:
"This would not happen in Holland, but in England it is different. Stefan had a girlfriend who was not the right choice, but we hope it is all behind us now"
Apparently a Dutch website showing the video subsequently crashed due to overuse, while a television station was deluged with complaints after a clip was broadcast.
I've never made a video with a girl. I certainly wouldn't make one with me being buggered (not that I'm into that, you understand). Particularly not if I was famous. That is really asking for trouble.
Apparently, the player was on the brink of signing for Ipswich before the scandal hit. I am so pleased he didn't. We town fans have taken it up the arse for too long, we don't need the players doing it too.
Friday, October 27, 2006
The Girl is Mine...
Regular readers of White Spirit will have heard the quite fantastic Richard Cheese doing his unique swing rendition of Slipknot's People Equal Shit. That was hilarious in itself, but I have a new favourite Richard Cheese song. He has done a rendition of Michael Jackson's The Girl is Mine. A duet with a very, very special guest...
More secrets of the Royals.
new portrait of Queen Elizabeth, currently in the Tate ModernGreat typo by Reuters a couple of days ago... A rather dull story about bees was brought to life by a rather overzealous spellchecker. I quote:
"With its highly evolved social structure of tens of thousands of worker bees commanded by Queen Elizabeth, the honey bee genome could also improve the search for genes linked to behavior" (I wish the Americans would learn to spell).
It goes on to finally explain the reason why the Queen has ruled for so long:
"Queen Elizabeth has 10 times the lifespan of workers and lays 2,000 eggs a day".
No wonder she's looking a bit tired these days.
The World's Most Stupid Criminal?
I really like this one. So a burglar decides to steal some computers from a shop, which seems like a good idea. But our master criminal decided to rob a CCTV camera shop, where he was filmed by over a dozen demonstration CCTV cameras. And unfortunately for him, the computers were bolted down.
After a while he appeared to notice that the store was filled with security cameras, because then he pulled his coat over his head. Although this devious criminal mastercut was slightly undone by the fact that he also kept going up to the cameras and staring straight into them.
His next masterstroke was executed flawlessly, as he took $250 from the cash register and hid in some nearby bushes until the police arrived. The police arrested him after a short chase, after they saw him hiding in the bushes.
I don't want to take the piss... No really, I don't
Strange goings on in New Malden, London. A family were having a lovely meal together at a Pizza restaurant when a man walked into the restaurant and threw a clear plastic bag filled with urine over the family and their table. He then walked straight out again.
Police are looking for a scruffy black male, about 5ft 6in, wearing a blue anorak and a red and white scarf, who may have a tendency to carry clear bags of urine around with him to throw at people.
Police are looking for a scruffy black male, about 5ft 6in, wearing a blue anorak and a red and white scarf, who may have a tendency to carry clear bags of urine around with him to throw at people.
Crimes Against Nature...
Just when you think you can't be shocked any more, you read a story that just makes you think again. A guy in America (where else?) is being charged with having sex with a dog. But not just any dog. With a dead dog. Think that's bad? It gets worse.
Not only was the dog dead, it had been dead for four or five days. Think that's bad? Keep reading... Not only was the dog dead and had been for four or five days, it was also in the street. In full view of a day care centre.
The day care centre had called the police to get rid of the dog, and they turned up as Mr Kuch was in full swing. So not only was he witnessed by the staff at the day care centre, he was also spotted by the rozzers too.
And incredibly, that's still not all. They caught him hiding in his girlfriend's attic (yes, he has a girlfriend, which is amazing in itself) and it turned out that the dog was his girlfriend's dog. There is no word on whether he'd been grooming the dog before the incident, though.
But it's not just dogs that are in this week's news, there's also been some 'horse'play both in the US and also here in the UK. But as ever, we Brits just lack the sexual imagination of our foreign counterparts. Ours (who had the dubious honour of being banned from every field in Britain) just had sex with the horse. The American covered himself in olive oil, rolled around in oats and then encouraged the horses to lick the oats off him. Apparently it had been a long-standing fantasy of his. Now that's imagination.
However, the most disturbing story I came across today (and I promise I haven't been googling 'animal sex and necrophilia') was the story of three young men (again in the US) who were arrested for trying to dig up a grave in order to have sex with a corpse. Now that's pretty shocking in itself, but that's not the really incredible thing. They were caught red-handed by the rozzers and they admitted exactly what they were up to. They'd even bought condoms. The most amazing thing about this story is that the sexual assault charges were droppped because there is no law in the US that outlaws necrophilia. If ever there was a real meaning to the phrase 'perverting the course of justice', this story is definitely it.
Not only was the dog dead, it had been dead for four or five days. Think that's bad? Keep reading... Not only was the dog dead and had been for four or five days, it was also in the street. In full view of a day care centre.
The day care centre had called the police to get rid of the dog, and they turned up as Mr Kuch was in full swing. So not only was he witnessed by the staff at the day care centre, he was also spotted by the rozzers too.
And incredibly, that's still not all. They caught him hiding in his girlfriend's attic (yes, he has a girlfriend, which is amazing in itself) and it turned out that the dog was his girlfriend's dog. There is no word on whether he'd been grooming the dog before the incident, though.
But it's not just dogs that are in this week's news, there's also been some 'horse'play both in the US and also here in the UK. But as ever, we Brits just lack the sexual imagination of our foreign counterparts. Ours (who had the dubious honour of being banned from every field in Britain) just had sex with the horse. The American covered himself in olive oil, rolled around in oats and then encouraged the horses to lick the oats off him. Apparently it had been a long-standing fantasy of his. Now that's imagination.
However, the most disturbing story I came across today (and I promise I haven't been googling 'animal sex and necrophilia') was the story of three young men (again in the US) who were arrested for trying to dig up a grave in order to have sex with a corpse. Now that's pretty shocking in itself, but that's not the really incredible thing. They were caught red-handed by the rozzers and they admitted exactly what they were up to. They'd even bought condoms. The most amazing thing about this story is that the sexual assault charges were droppped because there is no law in the US that outlaws necrophilia. If ever there was a real meaning to the phrase 'perverting the course of justice', this story is definitely it.
Please, somebody rescue me...
You may have noticed I've been a little quiet on the blog front recently. I've done something very, very stupid.
About 4 or 5 years ago, I bought a game for my computer called 'Championship Manager'. For those of you that don't know it, it's a football management game. Obviously I chose to be the manager of the mighty Tractor Boys, and I was rather successful. Not only did I get them promoted into the Premiership, I also won the Premiership in my 2nd season up. I did the Premiership and Champions League double the year after that. My team included Figo (back when he was good), Kluivert (ditto), van Nistelrooy, Zidane, Beckham, Nesta and various other world superstars, and we were pretty much unbeatable. Bearing in mind the real Ipswich Town were getting twatted week in, week out, it was a welcome relief from the 'real' world.
The problem was, though, it was just so fucking addictive it ended up taking over my life. I keep a record of how much business I do at work each month. If you were to put it in a graph, you could actually see on the date I bought the game that my work rate plummeted. In the end, in a moment of sanity, I actually had to force myself to throw the game away, and I'm ashamed to say that I also had to physically force myself to not buy it again.
So, recently I was in Tescos and I saw there's a new version out. And I thought hey, I'm mature now, I'm in control of my life. I can buy it, play it every now and then and it will all be ok. I won't let it take over my life again like it did last time. I can handle it.
WRONG. I've played it every night since I got it til 2am. Arse. Although I am top of the Championship and promotion is looking very likely. But it's just so fucking addictive, it's always just one more game...
If no one has heard from me by the middle of next week, can someone please come to Plymouth and prise the thing out of my fingers and smash it. Please. You'll be doing me a BIG favour.
Monday, October 23, 2006
"Stop Grieving, it's only a chicken"
Bizarre story on the BBC website about Liverpool residents laying flowers for a dead chicken. With a great quote from the local rozzers...
Titfuck Bumble...
Regular readers will know that I am a lifelong fan of the mighty Ipswich Town. We are currently in the midst of what is commonly known as a 'transitional' season, ie we're a bit crap at the moment but will hopefully get better. At least we have now come out of administration.
And the new manager, our ex-skipper Magic Jim Magilton, has no experience as a manager and was chosen almost entirely because he is cheap. But to be fair to him, he's not doing too badly. We are currently moping around in mid-table and have had a mixed bag of results. I don't expect us to be in trouble come the end of the season, but I think there are quite a few teams better (or more consistent) than us, so I doubt we'll be going for promotion either.
Our biggest problem appears to be in defence, so it was with interest that I read in this weekend's redtops that we appear to be interested in signing one of our old boys, Newcastle centre-half Titus Bramble.
There was a time when we appeared to be the Newcastle reserve team, with many of our players being signed by ex-Ipswich legend Sir Bobby Robson. Titfuck Bumble, as he is affectionately known, was one of those, and we sold him to the toon for £6m. Apparently we would get him for £500k.
Although he is error-prone, on his day he is one of the best defenders around. I remember watching him against Inter in the Eufa Cup when he marked Christian Vieri completely out of the game. He was an absolute collosus in that game. However, I also remember him in the return leg when Vieri got a hat-trick where he was not so much collosus as calamitous. Therein lies the wonder of Mr Bumble. But I for one would be more than happy to have him back.
On a separate note, he is yet another player to suffer the curse of leaving Ipswich Town. It always happens... Players either join us or come through the ranks and play really, really well... And then when they get sold, they just do not seem to be able to play at the same level. I can think of hardly any players that have left Ipswich for so-called bigger clubs that have gone on to do well, Darren Bent being the notable exception.
In recent years, there was Matt Holland - inspirational for us, never missed a game. Bit-part player for Charlton; Kuqi - 20 goals a season for us, sold to Blackburn where he was crap, now rubbish at Palace; Bumble; Kieron Dyer - electric for us, distinctly average at the toon, when he's not injured; Darren Ambrose - scored for fun with us, could barely get a game at toon, now can't even get into the squad at Charlton; Tommy Miller - scored 20 a season for us from Midfield, can't hit a cow's arse with a banjo for Sunderland; Marcus Stewart - same as Tommy Miller, now with Yeovil. Richard Wright - future England goalkeeper with us, but left for Arsenal and now is 3rd choice keeper at Everton. And that's to name but a few.
I don't know if we are just extremely good at getting the best out of mediocre players, or whether they just miss us and pine. Mr Cobbold, when he was chairman was once asked (after a particularly bad run of results) whether Ipswich was in crisis. He replied "Crisis? The only time we have a crisis is when we run out of white wine in the boardroom". I would like to think that is perhaps part of the reason why players don't settle as well at other clubs. Ipswich has always done things the 'Ipswich Way'. We know we're a small club. A small club, with a big history. And perhaps there is a little bit less pressure, a bit more realism of what we can - and can't - achieve.
And the new manager, our ex-skipper Magic Jim Magilton, has no experience as a manager and was chosen almost entirely because he is cheap. But to be fair to him, he's not doing too badly. We are currently moping around in mid-table and have had a mixed bag of results. I don't expect us to be in trouble come the end of the season, but I think there are quite a few teams better (or more consistent) than us, so I doubt we'll be going for promotion either.
Our biggest problem appears to be in defence, so it was with interest that I read in this weekend's redtops that we appear to be interested in signing one of our old boys, Newcastle centre-half Titus Bramble.
There was a time when we appeared to be the Newcastle reserve team, with many of our players being signed by ex-Ipswich legend Sir Bobby Robson. Titfuck Bumble, as he is affectionately known, was one of those, and we sold him to the toon for £6m. Apparently we would get him for £500k.
Although he is error-prone, on his day he is one of the best defenders around. I remember watching him against Inter in the Eufa Cup when he marked Christian Vieri completely out of the game. He was an absolute collosus in that game. However, I also remember him in the return leg when Vieri got a hat-trick where he was not so much collosus as calamitous. Therein lies the wonder of Mr Bumble. But I for one would be more than happy to have him back.
On a separate note, he is yet another player to suffer the curse of leaving Ipswich Town. It always happens... Players either join us or come through the ranks and play really, really well... And then when they get sold, they just do not seem to be able to play at the same level. I can think of hardly any players that have left Ipswich for so-called bigger clubs that have gone on to do well, Darren Bent being the notable exception.
In recent years, there was Matt Holland - inspirational for us, never missed a game. Bit-part player for Charlton; Kuqi - 20 goals a season for us, sold to Blackburn where he was crap, now rubbish at Palace; Bumble; Kieron Dyer - electric for us, distinctly average at the toon, when he's not injured; Darren Ambrose - scored for fun with us, could barely get a game at toon, now can't even get into the squad at Charlton; Tommy Miller - scored 20 a season for us from Midfield, can't hit a cow's arse with a banjo for Sunderland; Marcus Stewart - same as Tommy Miller, now with Yeovil. Richard Wright - future England goalkeeper with us, but left for Arsenal and now is 3rd choice keeper at Everton. And that's to name but a few.
I don't know if we are just extremely good at getting the best out of mediocre players, or whether they just miss us and pine. Mr Cobbold, when he was chairman was once asked (after a particularly bad run of results) whether Ipswich was in crisis. He replied "Crisis? The only time we have a crisis is when we run out of white wine in the boardroom". I would like to think that is perhaps part of the reason why players don't settle as well at other clubs. Ipswich has always done things the 'Ipswich Way'. We know we're a small club. A small club, with a big history. And perhaps there is a little bit less pressure, a bit more realism of what we can - and can't - achieve.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
A Tale of Family Bravery
I'm in Ipswich this weekend for a wedding. I've been having a look at some old photos, and I found one of Little Zoe when she was younger. Regular readers of Smells Like White Spirit will be familiar with Little Zoe, my cousin, who did so well as guest editor when I was on holiday earlier this month.
What you won't be aware of is her bravery. Bravery that she is herself far too modest to tell. Because, dear reader, Little Zoe is called 'Little Zoe' for a reason. On account of the fact that she was born with no legs. Instead, she was born with frog-like flippers.
Her parents did their best to camouflage her unique condition, as this photo shows:
Fortunately for her (but unfortunately for the UK Olympic swimming team), as she reached maturity, the flippers grew into proper legs and she is now more or less 'normal'. Although I haven't seen her in the much-hyped shorts, so there may still be tinges of green.
I just want to say "Little Zoe (or 'Frogger' as she is affectionately known within the family), you are an inspiration to us all.
What you won't be aware of is her bravery. Bravery that she is herself far too modest to tell. Because, dear reader, Little Zoe is called 'Little Zoe' for a reason. On account of the fact that she was born with no legs. Instead, she was born with frog-like flippers.
Her parents did their best to camouflage her unique condition, as this photo shows:
Fortunately for her (but unfortunately for the UK Olympic swimming team), as she reached maturity, the flippers grew into proper legs and she is now more or less 'normal'. Although I haven't seen her in the much-hyped shorts, so there may still be tinges of green.
I just want to say "Little Zoe (or 'Frogger' as she is affectionately known within the family), you are an inspiration to us all.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
From one extreme to another
So after a day of spectacular beauty, I then went to the other extreme and went to visit my friend Carrie in Camborne. I am of course referring to Camborne as being 'the other extreme', and not Carrie...
Camborne is a funny little place. It's deep in the heart of darkest Cornwall, and is one of Cornwall's many mining towns. World-renowned, according to their website. For what, I have no idea. Perhaps as being the punchline of a Jethro joke... But, well, Cornwall is lucky to have some of the most beautiful locations in the world. Let's just say that Camborne isn't one of them.
But I wasn't there to sight-see (luckily). I was there to PAAAAARTY! And so it was that Carrie, her friend Sarah and I decided to hit the town and moonwalk down to the Corn Exchange, which is Camborne's probably world-famous nightclub to strut our funky stuff and show those Camborne divas how it's done. And oh, did we do that.
The Camborne Siamese Twins strut their stuff
It was two quid for a double. Two quid! In a nightclub! That's my type of establishment. You can buy a round and still have change from a tenner. Amazing. Well, needless to say, with alcohol that freely available, things did get a little messy. Not only did I end up poledancing, I actually took it upon myself to convince other men to poledance too. And enough respect to the Camborne Crew, I didn't get my head stoved in; I actually managed to convince one or two do it.
If you look really carefully, you can just see the strings.
So all in all, it was one of the best nights I've had out in a long while. Yes, I had a monster hangover the next day, but damn it was worth it.
Camborne is a funny little place. It's deep in the heart of darkest Cornwall, and is one of Cornwall's many mining towns. World-renowned, according to their website. For what, I have no idea. Perhaps as being the punchline of a Jethro joke... But, well, Cornwall is lucky to have some of the most beautiful locations in the world. Let's just say that Camborne isn't one of them.
But I wasn't there to sight-see (luckily). I was there to PAAAAARTY! And so it was that Carrie, her friend Sarah and I decided to hit the town and moonwalk down to the Corn Exchange, which is Camborne's probably world-famous nightclub to strut our funky stuff and show those Camborne divas how it's done. And oh, did we do that.
The Camborne Siamese Twins strut their stuffIt was two quid for a double. Two quid! In a nightclub! That's my type of establishment. You can buy a round and still have change from a tenner. Amazing. Well, needless to say, with alcohol that freely available, things did get a little messy. Not only did I end up poledancing, I actually took it upon myself to convince other men to poledance too. And enough respect to the Camborne Crew, I didn't get my head stoved in; I actually managed to convince one or two do it.
If you look really carefully, you can just see the strings.So all in all, it was one of the best nights I've had out in a long while. Yes, I had a monster hangover the next day, but damn it was worth it.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Hidden Beauty...
I found one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, no more than 15 minutes away from my house. It really is remarkable to think that this place was here all along and I never even knew. I've only lived down here for 5 years.
Picture taken from Burrator dam.
It's called Burrator Reservoir, and is simply stunning. I got out of the car and thought I was in Canada or Scotland. I actually half-expected to see a bear or wolf walking past. Remarkable to think that this is actually man-made.
It's at moments like this I really know why I live here. After years of living in cities around Europe, I never fail to be amazed at the fact that I only have to drive 10 minutes in pretty much any direction to see such stunning beauty, you know you are alive.
We walked over the dam, which is beautiful in itself. The whole dam is covered with granite, so although it's man-made, it doesn't look out of place. We found a woodland just over the dam:
Picture taken from the woodland, next to Burrator dam.
It was like walking through my childhood. I'd forgotten how a wood smells in the autumn... Picking chestnuts, beech nuts, hazelnuts... Remember puffballs? Those round mushroom things that puff a type of smoke out when you stand on them... It has probably been 15 years since I was last in a wood. I love the vibe of living in a city; but it's only when you get back to where you are from that you really feel alive.
So I now have a new mission. I'm going to go out and find what this beautiful part of the world has hidden away. If anyone wants to join me, you're more than welcome.
Picture taken from Burrator dam. It's called Burrator Reservoir, and is simply stunning. I got out of the car and thought I was in Canada or Scotland. I actually half-expected to see a bear or wolf walking past. Remarkable to think that this is actually man-made.
It's at moments like this I really know why I live here. After years of living in cities around Europe, I never fail to be amazed at the fact that I only have to drive 10 minutes in pretty much any direction to see such stunning beauty, you know you are alive.
We walked over the dam, which is beautiful in itself. The whole dam is covered with granite, so although it's man-made, it doesn't look out of place. We found a woodland just over the dam:
Picture taken from the woodland, next to Burrator dam. It was like walking through my childhood. I'd forgotten how a wood smells in the autumn... Picking chestnuts, beech nuts, hazelnuts... Remember puffballs? Those round mushroom things that puff a type of smoke out when you stand on them... It has probably been 15 years since I was last in a wood. I love the vibe of living in a city; but it's only when you get back to where you are from that you really feel alive.
So I now have a new mission. I'm going to go out and find what this beautiful part of the world has hidden away. If anyone wants to join me, you're more than welcome.
Friday, October 13, 2006
How do you Solve a Problem Like Korea?
Kim Jung Il? I never saw the first one. Looks like the afro'd crackpot leader of North Korea may be even more of a loon than first thought. For the platform-shoe wearing nutter, whose hobbies include huntin', shootin' and fission, might be telling porky pies about what he got up to on his school holidays.
After proudly announcing to a nervous world that they had successfully tested a nuclear weapon, it was announced today that this might not be the case after all. Why? Because apparently there is simply no trace of any radioactivity in the area. In addition, the seismic shock of the supposed test was much smaller than is usually the case with a nuclear explosion.
There are of course a number of possible explanations for this:
1) There was in fact no nuclear test. It was all just a major bluff on the part of North Korea to ensure America doesn't invade. USA! USA! USA! had no problem invading Iraq for having suspected nuclear weapons, because they knew that Saddam didn't actually have any nuclear weapons. I can pretty much guarantee that if Saddam DID actually have nuclear weapons, there would have been no invasion. Because he would have a nuclear weapon. It's simple playground politics. You don't pick on someone that can actually defend themselves, cos you might get hurt.
2) There was in fact no nuclear test. It was all just a major bluff on the part of North Korea to get the world to give them cash in order to stop their supposed nuclear program. The North Korean economy is in a pretty bad way. The last time North Korea was supposed to be embarking on a course of nuclear testing, all sorts of things were tried. Sanctions didn't work because basically the government does not give a shit about its people. Hundreds of thousands died from starvation and nothing changed. In the end, the Korean government were effectively bribed to stop testing, and this certainly worked up until recently when a certain George W Bush decided to stop that. As soon as the cash stopped, the 'testing' started again. I would certainly not put it past the Korean administration to effectively put a gun up against the head of the world for cash. Just as I wouldn't put it past the Chimp President to stop the cash in order to go after Korea.
3) There was a test, but it was so far underground that the seismic reading was muffled. However, that still doesn't explain why there is no radioactivity showing up in the area.
4) The Koreans have been sold something they believe to be plutonium, which is in fact no more than vim mixed with aspirin, a bottle of diet coke and some mentos to make it look real.
Either way, it makes the situation a little more complex than first thought... Not least because Kim Jung Il may well be playing an extremely dangerous game of bluff with an equally psychotic and trigger-happy adversary. If there is in fact some doubt as whether North Korea actually does have a nuclear capability, will Dubya decide to go in after all? I wouldn't put it past him. He went into Iraq for a lot less.
With two of the world's true looneys at loggerheads with each other, I dread to think what will happen. I suspect that Dubya will not go into Korea, if only because of the bloody nose he has got in Iraq. Because Korea might not have nuclear weapons, but they've got a hell of a lot of normal ones.
After proudly announcing to a nervous world that they had successfully tested a nuclear weapon, it was announced today that this might not be the case after all. Why? Because apparently there is simply no trace of any radioactivity in the area. In addition, the seismic shock of the supposed test was much smaller than is usually the case with a nuclear explosion.
There are of course a number of possible explanations for this:
1) There was in fact no nuclear test. It was all just a major bluff on the part of North Korea to ensure America doesn't invade. USA! USA! USA! had no problem invading Iraq for having suspected nuclear weapons, because they knew that Saddam didn't actually have any nuclear weapons. I can pretty much guarantee that if Saddam DID actually have nuclear weapons, there would have been no invasion. Because he would have a nuclear weapon. It's simple playground politics. You don't pick on someone that can actually defend themselves, cos you might get hurt.
2) There was in fact no nuclear test. It was all just a major bluff on the part of North Korea to get the world to give them cash in order to stop their supposed nuclear program. The North Korean economy is in a pretty bad way. The last time North Korea was supposed to be embarking on a course of nuclear testing, all sorts of things were tried. Sanctions didn't work because basically the government does not give a shit about its people. Hundreds of thousands died from starvation and nothing changed. In the end, the Korean government were effectively bribed to stop testing, and this certainly worked up until recently when a certain George W Bush decided to stop that. As soon as the cash stopped, the 'testing' started again. I would certainly not put it past the Korean administration to effectively put a gun up against the head of the world for cash. Just as I wouldn't put it past the Chimp President to stop the cash in order to go after Korea.
3) There was a test, but it was so far underground that the seismic reading was muffled. However, that still doesn't explain why there is no radioactivity showing up in the area.
4) The Koreans have been sold something they believe to be plutonium, which is in fact no more than vim mixed with aspirin, a bottle of diet coke and some mentos to make it look real.
Either way, it makes the situation a little more complex than first thought... Not least because Kim Jung Il may well be playing an extremely dangerous game of bluff with an equally psychotic and trigger-happy adversary. If there is in fact some doubt as whether North Korea actually does have a nuclear capability, will Dubya decide to go in after all? I wouldn't put it past him. He went into Iraq for a lot less.
With two of the world's true looneys at loggerheads with each other, I dread to think what will happen. I suspect that Dubya will not go into Korea, if only because of the bloody nose he has got in Iraq. Because Korea might not have nuclear weapons, but they've got a hell of a lot of normal ones.
An Italian Awakening...
Just made the first set of transfers for my fantasy football team, Obi-Wan Kenobi Nil. I am disappointed thus far with my very Ipswich-like mid-table placement after I had such high hopes. It would appear the Force is not with me after all.
Nonetheless, this gives me an opportunity to ditch the deadwood and replace it with some young and hungry new blood. So I decided to do away with Lauren from the Arse, who has for some unknown reason not played this season. I've replaced him with Venus Williams from Portsmouth. Sorry, 'sensitive' Sol Campbell, I mean. I always get those two mixed up.
My dark horse in Stalteri of Tottenham turned out to be so dark, no one can find him. So he's gone, and in his place the mighty Swede, (my favourite person called Olof) Mellberg from the surprise package of the season, Aston Villa. Really goes to show that perhaps Martin O'Neill should have got the England gig, rather than second-choice, nobody's-favourite-but-the-only-one-the-FA-could-agree-on-at-least-he's-English Elvis impersonator, Steve 'Hotpants' McLaren.
So those two were easy, because simply they haven't scored any points at all and they haven't even played. So it left just one more choice to make, and I had a choice of three to drop:
1) Everyone's favourite cockney Lee 'gor blimey guvnor, strike a paki' Bowyer;
2) Neckless weirdo and sheep molester Craig 'Bell-end' Bellamy; or
3) Meeelan legend, Andriy Shevchenko.
Now, after many lengthy debates with my (Arse-supporting) nephews about Sheva being the best striker in the world, much better than Henry who has a tendency to disappear in big games, I am pretty much flummoxed at Sheva's indifferent form for Chelsea. I really did think he would bang in the goals. I know it takes time to settle... I know Chelsea do not play the same attacking style as the Rossoneri... But Drogba's banging them in for fun, and Sheva is playing with all the finesse of a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
But I still believe that Sheva is one of the best strikers in the world, and, as Wayne 'Help the Aged' Rooney will testify, form is temporary, class is permanent. So I've decided to stick with him for the time being and have dropped the neckless wonder, Bellamy from my team. If only because he used to play for Norwich. In his place, I've chosen Andy Johnson from Everton.
Although I'm not a great fan of Chelsea, I really do hope that Sheva does get his act together. He's always been a model professional, a Milan legend and to be honest, he's always come across as just one of football's nicest and most humble people. A class act in every sense. I just hope for my sake that his drop in form is just a short-term blip. I do suspect, though, that he never really wanted to leave Milan and that the decision was taken by his American wife.
Oh, and why is the post called an Italian Awakening? Whilst looking up an Italian word, I came across this definition on google - apparently an Italian Awakening is the act of waking someone from a deep sleep by slapping your dick on their forehead*. When Shit Sandwich comes to stay in November, I shall be sleeping with a headband.
*This is not to be confused with a schapappy, which is the act of smacking one's dick across another's face.
Nonetheless, this gives me an opportunity to ditch the deadwood and replace it with some young and hungry new blood. So I decided to do away with Lauren from the Arse, who has for some unknown reason not played this season. I've replaced him with Venus Williams from Portsmouth. Sorry, 'sensitive' Sol Campbell, I mean. I always get those two mixed up.
My dark horse in Stalteri of Tottenham turned out to be so dark, no one can find him. So he's gone, and in his place the mighty Swede, (my favourite person called Olof) Mellberg from the surprise package of the season, Aston Villa. Really goes to show that perhaps Martin O'Neill should have got the England gig, rather than second-choice, nobody's-favourite-but-the-only-one-the-FA-could-agree-on-at-least-he's-English Elvis impersonator, Steve 'Hotpants' McLaren.
So those two were easy, because simply they haven't scored any points at all and they haven't even played. So it left just one more choice to make, and I had a choice of three to drop:
1) Everyone's favourite cockney Lee 'gor blimey guvnor, strike a paki' Bowyer;
2) Neckless weirdo and sheep molester Craig 'Bell-end' Bellamy; or
3) Meeelan legend, Andriy Shevchenko.
Now, after many lengthy debates with my (Arse-supporting) nephews about Sheva being the best striker in the world, much better than Henry who has a tendency to disappear in big games, I am pretty much flummoxed at Sheva's indifferent form for Chelsea. I really did think he would bang in the goals. I know it takes time to settle... I know Chelsea do not play the same attacking style as the Rossoneri... But Drogba's banging them in for fun, and Sheva is playing with all the finesse of a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.
But I still believe that Sheva is one of the best strikers in the world, and, as Wayne 'Help the Aged' Rooney will testify, form is temporary, class is permanent. So I've decided to stick with him for the time being and have dropped the neckless wonder, Bellamy from my team. If only because he used to play for Norwich. In his place, I've chosen Andy Johnson from Everton.
Although I'm not a great fan of Chelsea, I really do hope that Sheva does get his act together. He's always been a model professional, a Milan legend and to be honest, he's always come across as just one of football's nicest and most humble people. A class act in every sense. I just hope for my sake that his drop in form is just a short-term blip. I do suspect, though, that he never really wanted to leave Milan and that the decision was taken by his American wife.
Oh, and why is the post called an Italian Awakening? Whilst looking up an Italian word, I came across this definition on google - apparently an Italian Awakening is the act of waking someone from a deep sleep by slapping your dick on their forehead*. When Shit Sandwich comes to stay in November, I shall be sleeping with a headband.
*This is not to be confused with a schapappy, which is the act of smacking one's dick across another's face.
Japanese Sauna Pranks
As ever, the Japanese really know how to do things to extremes... Keep watching, the end is the best!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
Family Fortunes
Went to my cousin Graham's wedding this weekend in Bath, and what a great day it was. It was my dad's side of the family and some of the people there I haven't seen in perhaps 6 years or so. Like all weddings, there was some very dodgy disco dancing going on. None more so than Uncle Malcolm with my sister Zoe...
But was really good to catch up with the family again. We used to meet up every boxing day, but it's been many, many years since we've done that. So it tends to be weddings or funerals when we all get together.
And the wedding itself was great. And I couldn't help but wonder if I'll ever have one of those. I'd like to think I will. But who knows what the future holds? But hopefully it won't be another 6 years before we all meet up again.
But was really good to catch up with the family again. We used to meet up every boxing day, but it's been many, many years since we've done that. So it tends to be weddings or funerals when we all get together.
And the wedding itself was great. And I couldn't help but wonder if I'll ever have one of those. I'd like to think I will. But who knows what the future holds? But hopefully it won't be another 6 years before we all meet up again.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
What a Burqa!
Heard a lot of talk this weekend about Jack Straw's comments on Muslim women removing the veil... I have to say, I think he is way out of line. Did Commisioner Gordon ever ask Batman to take his mask off when visiting his office? Of course he didn't. Or did Big Daddy ever make Kendo Nagasaki take off his mask? I can't help but agree with the Muslims who think it's one rule for the West and one rule for them.
Greece is the Word
Taken from the balcony of a local restaurant in Tsilivi on my new camera phoneI had the best time on holiday as Zakynthos turned out to be OK. My hotel was in Tsilivi, which is on the north of the island, and it is definitely an English resort. But there were some excellent local tavernas, and the seafood was great. Only once was I tempted by the egg and chips brigade.
The weather was fantastic, the people were friendly and it really was exactly what I needed. It took me about two days to properly wind down, to get used to the fact that I had nothing to do! But by day three I got into the groove.
It ain't a holiday without a hatAlthough I am very, very glad I went now and not in the Summer. Partly because it would have been about 45 degrees. And partly because I imagine Zakynthos to be a bit on the 18-30 side. And if I want to catch crabs on the beach, I'll go to Brixham.
The ruin of the Temple of Zeus at Olympia, birthplace of the Olympics.Went to Olympia as well, which was rather cool. It's one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, so that's two I've seen now (the other being the pyramids at Giza). I think I'd like to see the other five now. One of those 'things to do before I die' things, I think.
And, just like last year when I went to Ibiza, I had some rather great revelations, although I won't go into them here. But it's amazing what you learn about yourself when you take a bit of time to quieten your mind.
Friday, October 06, 2006
And it's hello from me!
Oh yes, I'm back, with a bit more colour than before (or, considering I was blue when I went, perhaps a bit less) and feeling refreshed and raring to go. And may I join Captain Alliteration in saying a mighty thank you to the literally laugh out loud Little Zoe. So good, I may have to start calling her 'Medium-Sized Zoe' to befit her increasing gravitas. Which I think she'd prefer to the perhaps not so flattering but infinitely more amusing monicker of 'the purple pissing princess'. Or perhaps, more enigmatically, I might occasionally refer to her as 'Violet'. For that I have to say many, many thanks to the one in a million Aunty Helly. And you're right about the photos. Not only do I have photos of me in Rocky Horror gear, they're on my website. (About 2/3 of the way down, just after the pics of me as a witch).
I have a million and one things to do, not least check my bank balance to see what damage was done (oops!) and then I shall resume where I left off. I suspect some photos may be in order. Don't worry, no naked ones, before you all start running. Oh, and now that Little Zoe has gone, I can change the web title again. I know that would have been like water torture for her.
I have a million and one things to do, not least check my bank balance to see what damage was done (oops!) and then I shall resume where I left off. I suspect some photos may be in order. Don't worry, no naked ones, before you all start running. Oh, and now that Little Zoe has gone, I can change the web title again. I know that would have been like water torture for her.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Well, it's goodnight from me...
The period of my guest hosting now draws to a close and with a sigh of relief, shared, I'm sure, by most of you, I hand the blog back to its rightful owner, the much-funnier Chez Guevara. Long may his witty insights and bizarre photographs of animals in fancy dress continue.
You've been a great audience, guys. Thanks for the warm welcome, and have a safe journey home. I've got some CDs on sale in the foyer.
This is Little Zoe. Over and out.
You've been a great audience, guys. Thanks for the warm welcome, and have a safe journey home. I've got some CDs on sale in the foyer.
This is Little Zoe. Over and out.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Faintly Artistic
As I walked past the selection of newspapers in the ante room at work today, I noticed the following headline in the Sun:
Lunatic Gets Into Number 10
Closer inspection revealed, to my relief, that Gordon Brown was not in fact announcing his early election as Labour Party leader.
Lunatic Gets Into Number 10
Closer inspection revealed, to my relief, that Gordon Brown was not in fact announcing his early election as Labour Party leader.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Insert witty title here
This week, as I'm sure you're all aware, the papers have been awash with harrowing tales of the harsh realities behind recent events. We've all seen the photos, and I'm sure we've all felt the same sense of horror.
I'm talking, of course, about the parsnip declared England's ugliest vegetable in the recent nationwide contest conducted by the National Trust. Apparently, the whole shebang was designed to emphasise the unimportance of appearances. As one spokesperson puts, "This competition was designed to show that we shouldn't judge a vegetable on its looks and we should challenge the image of the cosmetically perfect and well-formed vegetables found in many of our supermarkets." I kid you not.
Personally, I think the whole thing was a fix anyway. Everyone knows England's ugliest vegetable is the Rt Hon John Reid.
I'm talking, of course, about the parsnip declared England's ugliest vegetable in the recent nationwide contest conducted by the National Trust. Apparently, the whole shebang was designed to emphasise the unimportance of appearances. As one spokesperson puts, "This competition was designed to show that we shouldn't judge a vegetable on its looks and we should challenge the image of the cosmetically perfect and well-formed vegetables found in many of our supermarkets." I kid you not.
Personally, I think the whole thing was a fix anyway. Everyone knows England's ugliest vegetable is the Rt Hon John Reid.
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