An Italian Awakening...

Just made the first set of transfers for my fantasy football team, Obi-Wan Kenobi Nil. I am disappointed thus far with my very Ipswich-like mid-table placement after I had such high hopes. It would appear the Force is not with me after all.

Nonetheless, this gives me an opportunity to ditch the deadwood and replace it with some young and hungry new blood. So I decided to do away with Lauren from the Arse, who has for some unknown reason not played this season. I've replaced him with Venus Williams from Portsmouth. Sorry, 'sensitive' Sol Campbell, I mean. I always get those two mixed up.

My dark horse in Stalteri of Tottenham turned out to be so dark, no one can find him. So he's gone, and in his place the mighty Swede, (my favourite person called Olof) Mellberg from the surprise package of the season, Aston Villa. Really goes to show that perhaps Martin O'Neill should have got the England gig, rather than second-choice, nobody's-favourite-but-the-only-one-the-FA-could-agree-on-at-least-he's-English Elvis impersonator, Steve 'Hotpants' McLaren.

So those two were easy, because simply they haven't scored any points at all and they haven't even played. So it left just one more choice to make, and I had a choice of three to drop:

1) Everyone's favourite cockney Lee 'gor blimey guvnor, strike a paki' Bowyer;
2) Neckless weirdo and sheep molester Craig 'Bell-end' Bellamy; or
3) Meeelan legend, Andriy Shevchenko.















Now, after many lengthy debates with my (Arse-supporting) nephews about Sheva being the best striker in the world, much better than Henry who has a tendency to disappear in big games, I am pretty much flummoxed at Sheva's indifferent form for Chelsea. I really did think he would bang in the goals. I know it takes time to settle... I know Chelsea do not play the same attacking style as the Rossoneri... But Drogba's banging them in for fun, and Sheva is playing with all the finesse of a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.

But I still believe that Sheva is one of the best strikers in the world, and, as Wayne 'Help the Aged' Rooney will testify, form is temporary, class is permanent. So I've decided to stick with him for the time being and have dropped the neckless wonder, Bellamy from my team. If only because he used to play for Norwich. In his place, I've chosen Andy Johnson from Everton.

Although I'm not a great fan of Chelsea, I really do hope that Sheva does get his act together. He's always been a model professional, a Milan legend and to be honest, he's always come across as just one of football's nicest and most humble people. A class act in every sense. I just hope for my sake that his drop in form is just a short-term blip. I do suspect, though, that he never really wanted to leave Milan and that the decision was taken by his American wife.

Oh, and why is the post called an Italian Awakening? Whilst looking up an Italian word, I came across this definition on google - apparently an Italian Awakening is the act of waking someone from a deep sleep by slapping your dick on their forehead*. When Shit Sandwich comes to stay in November, I shall be sleeping with a headband.

*This is not to be confused with a schapappy, which is the act of smacking one's dick across another's face.