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Hardcore Morris Dancers

Possibly the funniest thing I've ever seen - I present you with the Hardcore Morris Dancers.

A Joke about the Canoe Man

John Darwin walked into a Police station this week, after being announced missing for the last five years. Although he has no memory of what happened in during that time, he says it's the last time he'll ever go on holiday with the McCanns.

Microsoft Office Assistant

A Hard Case to Crack

Feeling a bit Sheepish

A Warm Hand for the Lonely Hearts

Ghostly Car Advert

Strange but interesting. This is a car advertisement from Germany. When they finished filming the ad, the film editor noticed something moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist. They found out that a person had been killed a year earlier in that exact same spot. The ad was never put on TV because of the unexplained ghostly phenomenon.

Watch the front end of the car as it clears the trees in the middle of the screen and you'll see the white mist crossing in front of the car then following it along the road... Spooky!

Is it a ghost, or is it simply mist? You decide. If you listen to the ad, you'll even hear the cameraman whispering in the background about it near the end of the commercial. A little creepy but pretty cool!

A Joke about Little Tommy

Little Tommy goes into his parents' bedroom, catches them in the act and promptly runs away. His dad eventually goes to look for him and hears some familiar noises. Opening the door he sees his son on top of his grandmother, doing the business.

"What the hell are you doing?" he shouts

His son looks over his shoulder and says "Bit different when it’s your Mum, isn’t it?"

(from my Dad)

A Joke about England

Brian Barwick is out doing his shopping when he sees an old lady struggling with a couple of heavy carrier bags. "Can you manage?", he says. "I don't want the job!", she quickly replies.

Steve McLaren is going to the ball tonight dressed as a pumpkin; he's hoping he'll turn into a coach at some point.

(From Shit Sandwich)

A Joke about Jesus

An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Scouser are having a drink in the pub when a man walks in with a beard, long hair and sandals.

"Would you look at him?" says the Irishman "He looks just like Jesus!"

"Aye, you're right." says the Scotsman. "Let's buy him a drink."

They call over the landlord and order a pint for the newcomer. The landlord takes it over to the man, saying "here you go, mate. The lads over there have bought you a drink."

The man takes a sip of the drink and goes over to the three men to thank them for their generosity.

"I want to thank you for your generosity. You don't often see that in this day and age" says the man and he shakes the Irishman by the hand.

"Holy Mary, Mother of God!" exclaims the Irishman. "Me bad back! I've had it for years! It's completely gone! That's a miracle, to be sure!"

The man then shakes the Scotsman by the hand.

"Ach, God be praised!" says the Scotsman. "Mah bad knee! I've barely been able to walk on it and it's completely healed! Ach, that's a miracle!"

The man then goes to shake the Scouser's hand, but the Scouser recoils in horror, shouting:

"Don't touch me! I'm on disability!"

Somewhere Under the Rainbow

Went to the theatre the other night to watch Over the Rainbow, which is the life story of Eva Cassidy. I've always been a big fan of Eva Cassidy and the musical, although not brilliantly written, was a great opportunity to hear her music sung live. I was amazed to find out halfway through that the lead was being played by Faye Tozer from Steps, who was simply brilliant - her voice was remarkably similar to Eva's, which seems to suggest she was wasted in Steps.

We were late arriving in the first half, so we were forced to sit at the back. During the interval, we moved to our booked seats, which were only about three rows from the front. Most of the singers were pretty good, but the German-sounding lady playing Eva's mother was one of those annoying stage singers that seem to think that a singer is judged by their loudness. Each sung sentence would start off fairly quietly, but would end on a massive crescendo. Bearing in mind they were all using microphones, it must have been impossible for the sound man - she ranged from barely audible to ear-shatteringly loud.

And she caused me to have a nightmare at a very inopportune moment; Near the end of the show, Eva has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and they really milked it for tear value. There are plenty of scenes with her slumped in a wheelchair and her family and friends regularly breaking down in floods of tears. With Eva near to death, her mother breaks into a heart-wrenching solo, with much wailing and nashing of teeth. And halfway through, she belted out a line so loud that it made me involuntarily jump up in the air and exclaim "Urrgh!"

My girlfriend started giggling at my inappropriate reaction and it just set me off. I could not stop laughing. It was absolutely horrendous - I was getting very harsh looks from the extremely large skinhead I was sitting next to. There's nothing worse than having an uncontrollable laughing fit when you're not supposed to. I started sweating and getting really hot. Poor Faye was singing her farewell song from her deathbed / wheelchair and all I could do was laugh my head off, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't even leave, because I was in the middle of the row right at the front. It was one of the most uncomfortable experiences I've ever had.

I finally managed to pull it together and as soon as the lights came up, we made a hasty exit before anyone chose to voice their complaint. I'm never taking Helen to the theatre again, because it's clearly her fault.

I'll Get Me Croat

Well, poor Steve McClown has been kicked out as England manager. Do I feel sorry for him? Not really... Next Summer is going to be awful, and it's largely his fault. But in reality, he should never have been given the job. As a club manager his record was not particularly good. Getting Boro to a UEFA Cup Final is hardly the greatest achievement in the world. He was chosen as one of the few English managers that actually wanted the job. It will be interesting to see what happens now and who they go for.

When Sven was kicked out, I wanted Capello to be given the job. He's been successful wherever he's been, particularly in dealing with egos. However, his recent stint at Madrid has left his reputation somewhat tarnished. I am less keen this time round to see Capello as England boss.

I am certainly not keen to see Marcello Lippi in charge. Yes, he's a successful coach, but certainly not one I think would get the English playing to their strengths. He would be another Sven - his style is traditional Italian and that just doesn't suit us.

Mourinho... Hmm, I just don't know. Yes, he did bring success to Chelsea... But his team was fairly boring to watch. I don't know. I'd accept him as boss, but I wouldn't be particularly happy about it.

Martin O'Neill is my preferred choice, but he's already ruled himself out of the running. I don't know, England is in a dark place at the moment - the team is playing poorly, but the fans and media still believe they are capable of winning any tournament. Honestly, it's got to be one of the hardest jobs in world football.

And I was interested to see that England has been paired off with Croatia again for the World Cup qualifiers. To be honest, I think that the draw is fairly fortunate. Considering we were in the second seed pool, we could have drawn Italy, France or Holland to name but a few. I think with a better manager we have an excellent chance of qualifying for the World Cup. Indeed, the prospect of missing two major championships in a row is simply unthinkable.

Oh fuck.

That says it all, really. I'm off to do a Samaritans duty - I think somehow I'm going to be busy.

Croooouchigol!!!

COME ON ENGLAND!! 2-2!!! What a cross from David Beckham! Oh my god, please blow the whistle now.

Yomph Mumph Mumph Umph Part 2

That's the sound of me regurgitating and then re-eating my words about Scott Carson. What a save that kid has just made. Aarrgh! I cannot watch this game... COME ON ENGLAND!!

Yomph Mumph Mumph Umph

That will be the sound of me eating my words about Scott Carson being a better keeper than Paul Robinson. Honestly, fifteen minutes into the match and already 2-0 down in a game we cannot afford to lose - who'd be an England fan?

Smells like Sex Wax

Got a big up from Cornish Surf Giant Beach Bum at Sex Wax Life's a Beach. I've never surfed, even though I lived in Newquay for a year. But it is something I will try at some point (honest). But if anyone is into surfing, particularly in England's most beautiful county, then I thoroughly recommend Beach Bum's site.

I think I'd make quite a good surfer. I've got silly hair and a camper van and everything. Although having swum in the sea in Cornwall, I'd have to have a full body wetsuit with shoes and hat and everything. I think I'd probably be more of a surf gimp.

Last Chance Saloon

It's the big match tonight... I didn't expect us to even have a chance at qualifying tonight, but the Israelis did us a massive favour at the weekend and our fate is now back in our own hands. I can't imagine us not qualifying - I remember USA '94 and it was terrible to watch a major tournament without England in it.

I'm pleased that McClown has finally dropped Paul Robinson, though. There are at least four keepers that are better than him in my opinion - Green, Carson, James and Kirkland to name but four. I've always felt that Robinson was massively overrated and a really lucky keeper. Now that his luck seems to have deserted him, he's been shown up time and time again.

But Crouch on his own upfront? I'm really not so sure about that. It's going to put a lot of pressure on the midfielders behind him, notably Lampard & Gerrard... But we'll see. I will of course be cheering my team on, as ever. But if we go out now, with the second chance we've been given - well, it really will be the end of McClown. Won't it?

Magic by Chez Guevara

OK, you'll like this. This is magic over the internet by yours truly...

First of all, I want you to pick one of the following cards. Don't click on it, just keep it in your head.














Right. Now I'm going to try to read your mind. Look into my eyes and think about your card for about 20 seconds...



OK... Now I have to think about whether I can guess your card with my magic hat....



I'm thinking, I'm thinking... Nope. The hat isn't helping. I'm going to have to think a lot harder...

Think, think, think


















Yes, I think I've got it. The Great Chez Guevara will now remove your card.














Impressed? Now scroll up and do it again!

Husband of the Year Awards 2007

Hallowe'en Photos

Just downloaded this from my camera. Pictures of my dearly beloved at Hallowe'en, getting a piggyback from a ghost (as you do).

Surely that's cheating...

Regular readers of White Spirit will know that I sometimes have a beef with advertising. Things that really get my goat are false claims, like for example, claiming that a particular product will give your hair 85% more colour. Surely everything has got as much colour as it can possibly have? My hair will not get any more colour, no matter what I do; it might change from deeper or lighter shades, but it's not going to get more colour.

But what's really irritating me at the moment are the adverts for mascara. I know I'm never going to use them; but they show Kate Moss and various other models with these spider leg eyelashes. The product is meant to show that you can get lashes like that - but one advert says in tiny writing that they are using eyelash inserts and another advert says 'enhanced in post production'.

Am I the only one that batters an eyelid at this obvious cheating?

Celebrity Shenanigans

Saw these two magazines next to each other in my local newsagents and just thought it was quite funny. Is there a magazine for people that don't give a shit who dumped who?

Celebrity Cluedo

From time to time, I like to consider myself a bit of an inventor. Not perhaps in the Sir Joseph Swan* mould, but an inventor all the same. For example, only recently I had the idea of a bicycle helmet with ear flaps. You can't wear a hat when you're wearing a bicycle helmet and what are you supposed to do if your ears get cold? But I digress.

My new idea is Celebrity Cluedo. It's the same as regular Cluedo, but instead of Professor Plum and Miss Scarlet et al, you have celebrities in their place. Obviously you would need to change the methods and places - I can't think of any celebrity murders involving a candlestick, for example. But I think it could be quite fun.

Imagine, on Boxing Day, the family sits around the table for a good old game of Celebrity Cluedo. Who dunnit? Will it be Barrymore in the Swimming Pool with the dildo? Or perhaps Kate McCann in the bedroom with the sleeping tablets? Or maybe OJ Simpson in the hallway with the dagger? Or could it be Leslie Grantham in the car with the gun? Who knows? Maybe it will be Prince Phillip in the Parisian tunnel with the Fiat Uno?

I'm having problems with the last one. Best I can come up with is Lord Lucan with the blunt object in the study, but I'm sure that you, dear readers, can come up with someone in far worse taste.


















* Sir Joseph Swan was the inventor of the lightbulb. No, it wasn't Thomas Edison, he stole the idea from Swan and took all the credit. Why should that matter? Well, Thomas Edison went on to set up General Electric, the second largest company in the world. And my girlfriend is Swan's great granddaughter. All that Swan has to show is that the University of Newcastle has just named a building after him. Frankly, I'd rather have had the cash.

Football Lookeylikey

Eng-er-land defender Joleon Lescott and Warf the Klingon from Star Trek.

Return of the Boosh

Just watched the first episode in the third series of the Mighty Boosh. And Shit was right, it was a bit darker and perhaps not as funny as the first two series. Could it be that I've been so excited about the new series, that it was never going to be as good? I have to say, I'm not sure about Naboo's shop as the setting - I feel it may be a little restrictive. But there were some episodes that I thought were not as good in the first two series, and perhaps this will turn out to be one of those...

It wasn't terrible; there were still a few moments that made me laugh, most notably the Moon:

"People say if you look at the Moon for too long, it sends you mad. Well, Patrick Moore has been looking at me for years, and yesterday I saw him take a shit on a salad."

It could be that they are victims of their own success. The first two series were so good, this series has been one of the most eagerly anticipated return that I can remember. Let's hope that it builds up and gets better and better. And I'm delighted to hear that Bob Fossil will be making a return this series.

The Mighty Boosh - Clips

For those that have never seen the Mighty Boosh, here are a couple of clips from the first series.

THE HITCHER (entire episode)


THE SPIRIT OF JAZZ (outtake from ELECTRO)

For those that receive the email update, click here to watch the videos.

"A Journey through Time and Space..."

I am so excited. Today (Friday) on BBC3 at 11:30 pm, The Mighty Boosh return for their much awaited third series. I am ever thankful to the venerable Shit Sandwich for introducing me to the Boosh. As I introduced him to It Bites and Sisters of Mercy, we're probably just about even.

I don't think I've seen a comedy as inventive as the Boosh, perhaps since Monty Python. The Boosh's surreal humour is often compared to Python, but the two are very different in many ways. The Mighty Boosh isn't really gag comedy - and there are not that many laugh out loud moments. But there's just an energy about it, that makes it simply irresistible.

For those that haven't seen the Boosh in action, I would thoroughly recommend watching it. The first episode I watched, I was slightly flummoxed; it took a couple of episodes to get onto their wavelength. But it's definitely worth it.

Scamalot

A lottery scratchcard has been withdrawn from sale by Camelot - because players couldn't understand it. The Cool Cash game - launched on Monday - was taken out of shops yesterday after some players failed to grasp whether or not they had won. To qualify for a prize, users had to scratch away a window to reveal a temperature lower than the figure displayed on each card. As the game had a winter theme, the temperature was usually below freezing.

But the concept of comparing negative numbers proved too difficult for some Camelot received dozens of complaints on the first day from players who could not understand how, for example, -5 is higher than -6.

Tina Farrell, from Manchester, called Camelot after failing to win with several cards:

"I phoned Camelot and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher - not lower - than -8 but I'm not having it"

More Great Graffiti

Following an old post on great graffiti, here is some more from the irrespressible Shit Sandwich.

A Joke about Morning Sex

She was in the kitchen preparing to make soft-boiled eggs for breakfast. As he walked in she turned to him and said, "I want you to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought: 'This is my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the opportunity, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thank you darling" and returned to the cooker.

More than a little puzzled, he asked: "What was that all about?"

She replied: "The egg timer's broken."

Sick as a Budgie

Just watched the Norwich - Ipswich match. Ipswich were 2-0 up at half time, but the match ended 2-2. Both teams had great chances, it was really end to end stuff. Both teams could have won, it really was a great match. But I'm still disappointed that we threw away a two goal lead, particularly against our local rivals. What do we have to do to win away from home?

Thank Evans! It's Tractor the Future...

Great news coming out of Fortress Portman Road... It would appear that the mighty blues are in the process of being bought by reclusive billionaire Marcus Evans. Ipswich have been in real financial trouble for a number of years, ever since they got relegated from the Premier League a few years back. They've been in debt to the tune of about £30m, and the new deal (if it goes through) will not only wipe the debt in full, it will also bring in about £12m of new investment into the club.

The threat of administration has been very real for some time and it's the best news to come out of Portman Road for some considerable time. Marcus Evans himself is an extremely secretive individual - almost nothing is known about him. His firm runs all manner of things and he tried to buy the Mirror Group recently. Personally, I couldn't give a shit as to what he does - as long as he brings the glory days back to Portman Road, he could sell orphan and kitten pies to Al Qaeda.

Ipswich are currently sitting pretty 4th in the league, with a big game against local rivals Naaarwich on Sunday. Could this really be the season that we finally take our rightful place amongst the Premier elite? Who knows... Whatever happens, at least the immediate future of Ipswich has been secured. And that will do for me for now.

The End

On the Roeder Nowhere

New Carrot Rud manager Glenn Roeder and stroke-victim winker-weirdo Anne Robinson. I must say, I've never seen them in the same room at the same time.

Rather intrigued at Naaaaarwich's new manager. He had one good season at West Ham, but has been pretty crap everywhere else he's been. At Newcastle, he spent a lot of money and although he did have injury problems, he simply wasn't good enough. And Naaaaarwich have also spent big this year, but sit proudly at the bottom of the league.

And on Sunday afternoon it's the East Anglian derby at Carrot Rud. What better game could he start with? The mighty Ipswich are currently 4th in the league and playing well. Well, they're playing well at home, at least. I still think we've got enough to beat the budgies at Carrot Rud, but I do expect Roeder to lead them out of trouble. It would be a shame if our inbred cousins were to be relegated (snigger snigger).

Especially for Shit

Hallowe'en Table tennis with Creepy Pong. Ridiculously addictive and very good fun!

Creepy Pong See how many Halloween ghouls you can beat at table tennis!

Play this free game now!!

Royal Rumble

All sorts of fun and games going on with the Royals at the moment... It is alleged that one of them has been a naughty boy. Apparently they were being blackmailed in a sex and drugs sting. Now, the thing is I don't really give a toss about the Royals, but it is actually quite fun trying to guess who it might be.

According to 'sources', it's not a very high up Royal, sadly. And unless it's a rather clever double-bluff, it's probably true. As much as I'd like to think it might be Charles getting sucked off by one of his aides. But my sources suggest that we should be looking towards Kensington Palace for this one...

Viz Top Tips

TOURETTES sufferers with an interest in Victoriana. Simply replace shouting 'fuck', 'cunt' and 'wanker' with 'poppycock', 'fiddlesticks' and 'balderdash' to recreate an authentic Victorian experience.

TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit hapilly on your hand for hours.

DAILY MAIL EDITORS. Underline important words in your headlines just to make sure that your readers are clear about what it is you want them to think.

HOMEOWNERS. When selling your house, replace your furniture with children's tables and chairs, and use a dwarf estate agent. Instantly, your house will seem more roomy than it actually is.

OIL COMPANIES. Avoid having the general public pointing the global warming finger at you by putting some pictures of trees and flowers on your websites and adverts.

SMOKERS. Enjoy seemingly longer holidays by stopping smoking on your first day off, making every day thereafter appear to be 72 hours long.

DOG OWNERS. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.

JEREMY BEADLE When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

MUMS. Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I can't Believe It's Not Butter. They won't know what to believe.

Find more at www.viz.co.uk

Supporting the Samaritans

I went to the Annual General Meeting of the Plymouth Samaritans last night. It's when all the volunteers get together to discuss what has happened in the previous year. High on the agenda was funding. I assumed that an organisation like the Samaritans would get government funding, but only 2% of our overall funding comes from the goverment - that works out at only £200,000 a year. Incredibly, the Donkey Sanctuary gets more funding each year - £17m - than the Samaritans, which nationwide only brings in £10m.

However, that only tells half the story. The individual branches don't actually get any support at all and the Plymouth branch is totally self-funded. I was shocked to find out that last year, the Plymouth branch of the Samaritans brought in less than £20,000. Bearing in mind their outgoings are substantially more than that, they are trading at a loss, even though no one in the branch is paid a penny for the great work they do.

The branch relies heavily on donations, tin shakes and the like, but needs to raise at least 25% more each year to cover its outgoings. Obviously, if any readers of White Spirit would like to make a donation, please email me at whitespirit@chezguevara.com and I'll let you know how to do so.

But, I've got a scheme. Some of you may know that in my day job, I'm a mortgage adviser. I also offer all sorts of insurance, such as buildings & contents insurance as well as accident, sickness & unemployment cover. I've decided that I will donate any commission I receive for any buildings & contents or ASU policies I write to the Samaritans.

So if you'd like to help a truly worth cause whilst at the same time helping yourself, then drop me a line. As an independent broker, I offer the cheapest insurance you can possibly get. You can have just buildings insurance, but if you go for both buildings and contents, the contents insurance is half price. I can also do buildings insurance on a buy to let. Or if you want to protect your mortgage against losing your job or not being able to work due to an illness, then I can help with that too. And every penny will go to supporting the Samaritans.

Drop me a line at whitespirit@chezguevara.com or call me in the office on 01752 201 221. Make sure you state that you want the Samaritans deal. I'm not after your charity or your donations; it's a win-win situation. You get the best and cheapest insurance, which you need anyway; the Samaritans get the support they so richly deserve; and best of all, it's all paid for by the insurance companies. Get in touch; you know it makes sense.

Who helps the helpless?

As many of you will know, I'm now a fully fledged Samaritan. Everyone knows the Samaritans, but there's a lot of misinformation about what it is we actually do. Some think the Sams are a religious organisation. Others consider us to be the suicide line, the last place to call when no one else will listen.

And we do get suicidal callers, who are at the end of their tether. But we also get all manner of people who have no one else to talk to. The Sams are not religious, volunteers do not impose their own religious, political, philosophical beliefs on people who get in touch. They have no agenda or allegiance to any particular movement. The Samaritans offer confidential, non-judgemental support to anyone and everyone, whether they are suicidal or not.

It has been one of the best things I've ever done. Obviously I cannot go into any detail about actual callers, but I've already helped some truly desperate people deal with some truly desperate situations. It's a remarkable feeling when you make such a difference to a total stranger's life. I would thoroughly recommend becoming a Samaritan to anyone.

If you want to make a difference and give more back to the world than just a donation each month, then go to the Samaritans website. It will be hard at times, but the training is first class. And I guarantee that if you do it, it will be easily the most rewarding thing you've ever done.

Hiddink for Euro Exit

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. England lost their crunch match against Russia and qualification for Euro 2008 now looks decidedly dodgy. And what a shame. In the last five or six games, England had started to actually play quite well. But they are paying the price for some truly shocking results last year, most notably against Macedonia and we are now facing the real possibility that England will not be at Euro 2008.

I watched the match and I thought we were unlucky to lose. Dodgy penalty and yet again, dodgy keeping from Paul Robinson was England's undoing. I can't see Robinson keeping his place after once again showing he is not up to the job. There are plenty of good keepers below him - most notably Robert Green and Scott Carson, not to mention David James and even Chris Kirkland. I've never really rated Robinson - I always thought he was more lucky than talented - and now that his luck seems to have deserted him, his shortcomings are there for all to see.

It's not all over yet, though. Russia still have to beat Israel away, which is not a foregone conclusion. However, qualification is no longer in our hands as England have underperformed yet again.

The bigger question is, will McClaren keep his job? He looked like he was starting to get the hang of it, but if we don't qualify, I can't see him staying. Three months ago, there is no way he would even have had a chance of staying. But recent results and performances have been encouraging, exiting even. The FA will have some difficult decisions to make if we don't qualify.

I have to say, I think I probably do want him to go, despite the fact that he now seems to have found his way. Harsh? Probably. But I think that England need a truly world class manager to get the best out of what is clearly a talented bunch of players. And McClaren may be many things, but a world-class manager he is not.

Those Rugger Buggers...

Left in a bit of a quandary with England's recent rugby success. Well, not so much of a quandary, really. I mean, I'm not going to be cheering on South Africa, just as I wasn't cheering on France or the Aussies. However, am I the only one who finds England's style of rugby deadly dull?

There's no flair, no moments of brilliance. Just kick it up the pitch, then bung it to Johnny Wilkinson and kick it over the sticks. Booooring. In many ways, the drop goal has ruined rugby. But what is it about the English? The last few football World Cups were the same - get a goal, then the fabled 10-0-0 formation. Yes, it's all English grit and bulldog spirit. But it's so fucking dull.

England used to be exciting, at both rugby and football. To be fair, the football is getting better, although only recently. But I don't want to watch our teams grind out results against more exciting teams. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I'll still be cheering them on against South Africa; but I hope against hope that they play some decent rugby, just as I hope that the football team will play well against Russia, whatever the resuls.

A Joke about Hairdressers

My mum got a job as the Queen's hairdresser. She parked outside Buckingham Palace and a policeman said to her "Have you got a permit?"

"No," she replied "I've just got to take a bit off the back."

A Joke about Marriage

Two old men are sitting on a park bench chatting. One asks the other "How's your wife?"

The second old chap replies "I think she might be dead."

The first man asks "What do you mean, you THINK she's dead?"

"Well," the second elderly gentleman explains, "our sex life is much the same as it always was, but the dishes are starting to pile up."

Mercifully no more Ming

I don't belieeeve it!















Finally Sir Menzies Campbell has decided to do the decent thing and has resigned as leader of the Lib Dems. I know that they're never going to get into power, due to the voting system that we have in the UK. But even so, I feel that I share more in common with the Lib Dems than anyone else. I will never vote for Gordon Brown and I sure as hell cannot bring myself to vote Tory, no matter how fluffy and green they are trying to pretend to be.

And that does seem to be a lot of the Lib Dems' strength. Since New Labour's switch from Left to middle, the Lib Dems now occupy the left of the political map. (And just how long can New Labour be considered New, by the way?) But a lot of their votes have come from people that are frankly disillusioned with the other two.

I was prepared to vote for Charles Kennedy (safe in the knowledge he'd never become Prime Minister, obviously) even though he was an alcoholic. But I could never bring myself to vote for Campbell. Why? Irrational, but he's just so damn old, dull and posh. I was gobsmacked to find out that he is only 66. He looks about 80. But more than that, what sort of name is Menzies? Even if it was pronounced 'Menzies', it's a crap name for a politician. But Ming?

Now I know that you shouldn't base your political opinions on a name, and I'm sure that Campbell had some great policies. But in order to sell an idea, you have to sell yourself. No one will buy from someone they don't like. And no one will vote for someone they perceive to be so far removed from what they know.

We live in an era where presentation is as important as substance, perhaps even more so, if David Cameron's success is anything to go by. And sadly, Sir Menzies Campbell just didn't cut the mustard. He was the poorest choice of Party Leader since William Hague, for exactly the same reasons. I'm sure that Campbell still has a strong part to play for the Lib Dems, but they need someone more consumer-friendly upfront.

Who do I want? I think Nick Clegg would get my vote, although he may be perceived as a Cameron clone, because of his looks. We shall see. But whoever they get, he's bound to do better than Campbell.

A Joke about Art

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Streetfighter

The Real Che Guevara

20th Century Icon










This week marks the 40th anniversary of the death of Che Guevara at the hands of a CIA execution squad in Bolivia. He's always been a bit of a hero of mine, hence my nom de plume. In many ways, he is the face of the 60's - the iconic picture of the beret-wearing Che is possibly the most reproduced picture of all time.

As a figure in history, he's always been controversial. On the one-hand, he was a hero to the flower power generation of the 60's; and yet he was a man that believed firmly in armed struggle; indeed, he literally wrote the book on guerilla warfare.

Some have argued that there is little difference between Che in the 60's and Osama Bin Laden today. I think that's a little far-fetched. Both were indeed violently opposed to American Imperialism; however, Che was - and still is - the undisputed global icon of all wars fought by rebellious peoples who believe in hope against injustice and who believe another, less cruel world is possible.

It's true that a large part of the cult of Che is his good looks, and he is certainly a member of the 'died young and cool' club, along with Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, James Dean and others. I often see people wearing Che T-shirts, and I think that is largely because he does look cool. I suspect that Che is probably turning in his grave at the way his image has been mass marketed.

Why is he a hero for me? I don't share his politics. I don't condone violent struggle and I'm not a Marxist. My respect for Che Guevara comes from the passion he had for his ideals. He was from a rich, land-owning family who had been educated at one of the top universities in Argentina. He graduated as a doctor and could easily have lived a comfortable life in Buenos Aires, at a time when there was a strong rich / poor divide. But he decided to give it all up, choosing instead to fight against the Americans in order to try to free Southern America from the hold that the US held against them.

It is a little known fact that Guevara was actually asthmatic – living in the humidity of a jungle would have been incredibly difficult for him personally. And even after the Cuban Revolution, when Che had been made Economics Minister and could then have gone on to live a very comfortable life in a position of real power and authority – even then, he didn’t let it go to his head. He refused to abuse his position for his own gain, in a country where corruption was rife.

But two things impressed me most of all about his hero – first was the refusal to suck up to the Soviet Union, despite the imminent threat of invasion from the Americans; the second was his decision to give up his post of Economics Minister in Cuba to go back to the jungle of Bolivia to try to overthrow the American-supported government there – a decision that would ultimately lead to his death.

That’s really being passionate about your ideals – the willingness to die for them. I know deep down that I wouldn’t die for an ideal – my self-preservation instinct (and general apathy) are both far too strong for that; but Che Guevara inspires me nonetheless to stick to my own ideals and moral code, even though they are nowhere near as grand as the real Che Guevara’s were.

Che Guevara was simply prepared to die for his ideals. His ideals were flawed in my opinion, but he died trying to make the world a better place. And in this politically and socially apathetic I'm alright Jack world, that is why he will always be respected and remembered long after his death.

Tall Tales

Made a bit of a faux-pas recently whilst out shopping with my girlfriend. She was looking for a long t-shirt, so we'd gone into a shop called Long Tall Sally in Exeter, which is aimed at the taller lady. We were chatting about clothes sizes for girls - my girlfiend is 5 foot 10 - and she was saying that Top Shop also run a range for taller girls, but they're not very well fitting. Without thinking, I suggested rather loudly "well, they probably only sell to trannies".

With that, the whole shop suddenly went really quiet. I had one of those "did I really say that outloud?" moments and my girlfriend was mortified. Fortunately, it was only a group of shorter girls that heard me, who dissolved in a fit of hysterics. The shop assistants (who were all very tall) were not very impressed, though. Needless to say, I quickly made my excuses and left.

Who wants to be a millionaire?

I've found an online calculator that shows you just how much you have to save each month to be a millionaire. For example, if I want to be a millionaire by the time I'm 65, I'll have to save £1,100 a month.

Easy. And if I can save £3,400 a month, I'll be a millionaire by the time I'm 50. Ahem. Looks like I'm going to need more bitches to pimp.

Criminal Masterminds Award 2007

In third place are the three men who decided to streak through a restaurant in Washington. In order to make a quick getaway after their nude sprint, they left their car running outside. Unfortunately for them, during the time they were in the restaurant, their car – with all their clothes inside it – was stolen. They chased after it (in temperatures below –5°C), but were unable to catch up, and were forced to huddle, naked, behind another car until the police arrived.

In second place, if I was going to carry out an armed robbery, I think the last place I'd try to hold up would be a karate academy. But that's exactly what one rather hapless thief tried recently in Colombia. The would-be criminal mastermind discovered the flaw in his plans when the students at the academy didn't take kindly to being robbed. The robber is now recovering in a hospital, after the martial artists used their combat skills on him and took away his gun.

Although perhaps a karate academy isn't the worst place in the world to rob, which brings us onto first place where a man attempted to rob a gun shop near Seattle. Ignoring the marked police car that was parked outside, he went in, pulled his gun, and told everybody to freeze or he'd kill them. Among the numerous people in the shop who pulled their own guns in return, both the shop clerks and an on-duty police officer returned fire. Our criminal mastermind died from four gun shot wounds.

Diavolical

In my pre-season preview of Serie A, I said that Meeelan would struggle to win Serie A this year, because of their lack of a truly world-class striker to play alongside Ronaldo. And with the buck-toothed Brazilian currently injured, the Rossoneri are really struggling in Serie A.

I watched Meeelan scrape a lucky home draw against Catania (who are likely candidates for relegation this year), and only a very dodgy penalty gave them even that. Meeelan have now won only once in the league this season and are currently languishing in mid-table.

They seem to have two main problems. Firstly in defence, they are looking rather shaky. But their main problem is simply they cannot score. Gilardino looks a shadow of his former self; he clearly does not have the mental strength to be a Milan player. And Inzaghi is way past his best - I think he's better suited to a sub role. I think Milan should have pushed the boat out to get Sheva back in the Summer. They are really missing a true goal-scorer, particularly when you remember how injury-prone Ronaldo can be.

When you look at Inter, they've got Crespo, Ibrahimovich, with David Suazo, Adriano and Julio Cruz on the bench. Milan have an injury-prone Ronaldo, the ageing Pippo 'I was born in an offside position' Inzaghi and the hapless Alberto 'Couldn't score in a brothel with a 100 Euro note tied to my nob' Gilardino. And no one else.

As a part-time Milanista, I do hope that Berlusconi gets his chequebook out in January; or this could be one of the worst seasons for Milan in recent memory.

Tripod Tribulations

Had some problems last week with a three-legged cat. I came home one night to find the cat asleep on my sofa. I was baffled as to how he had got in and as soon as I saw him, he immediately hid under my sofa. I managed to coax him out with tuna and put him outside.

The next day, I came home from work only to find the cat looking out at me from my windowsill. I had no idea how he'd managed to get back in. I suspect he'd used the fabled 'catspace', a gap between the fabric of reality that allows cats to get into places they're not allowed to or to suddenly disappear without trace from right under your eyes.

Once again I coaxed him out with tuna and put him outside. He then leapt straight through my bathroom window and hid again under my sofa. I tried once again to lure him out with tuna, but he'd obviously wisened up to the fact that this would mean I'd throw him out, and remained securely hidden under the sofa.

I decided I needed to change tact and tried to get him from under the sofa with a broom. He did come out, but only to hide under my armchair. Further broom persuasion only succeeding in making him hide under my woodburner. I tried squirting him with water, but he simply refused to budge.

After a fruitless hour of trying to get him out, I ended up having to put on a leather coat and gloves and grab him by the scruff of his neck to get him out. (It was at this point incidentally, that I realised he only had three legs).

The next day I found him still in my back courtyard and realised he was unable to get out - he'd fallen off the wall and couldn't make the jump. Fortunately my neighbour knew who's cat it was and I was able to alert the owners that their cat was stuck in my garden. He came round and the cat leapt onto his shoulders. He left my house like some kind of cheap pirate.

Axe-wielding Maniac

This will be me soon!
















I've signed up for a guitar course. It's been many years since I committed any acts of aural atrocity. Oh, how my parents loved my impromptu violin concerts at home, listening to me belt out such classics as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and London's Burning. It really did sound like nails down a blackboard. Tuneful nails, mind. But still nails.

But I always wished I'd chosen the guitar instead, so I've finally taken the plunge, bought myself a half-decent guitar and I'm ready to go. Obviously I've some way to go before I find myself at Shit's level, but then we all have to aspire to something.

* 10 Spirit points go to whichever reader can tell me who the mystery guitarist is. And no, it isn't that bloke from The Darkness.

A stolen joke

A man is in bed with his wife when there's a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at the clock. "It's half three in the morning", he grumbles. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time".

Then a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?", his wife says.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and a stranger is standing there. It didn't take take long for the man to figure out the stranger was drunk.

"Hi", says the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No", says the man, "Get lost it's half three in the morning. He slams the door and goes back upstairs and tells his wife.

"Dave that wasn't very nice", his wife says. "Remember that night when we broke down in the pouring rain to pick up the kids from the babysitter? "You had to knock on this man's door to get us started again. What would have happened if he told us to get lost?

"But this man was drunk", said the husband.

"It doesn't matter", the wife said, "It's a christian thing to help him".

So the husband gets up and dressed and goes downstairs again. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts: "Hey do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out "Yes please".

So still unable to see the man he calls, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "Over here on your swing set".

(Stolen from Hayley's Perfect.)

Good Luck

to Little Zoe, who starts her degree at Brighton University this weekend. Ah yes, the joys of uni. Best years of my life etc. I won't go into a nostalgic rambling about the japes and scrapes of my time at uni, but I hope you will all join me in wishing her all the best. Oh, and don't get too carried away by the cheap union cider and end up shagging someone during Freshers' Week. You will regret it.

Little Zoe is off to Uni!

Suffolk n' Good

Watched my team, the mighty Ipswich Town beat a very good Coventry team 4-1 last night and what a great match! It's always good to see your team win, particularly when they play as well as that. Pablo, who has always been a favourite of mine, scored two, big Jason de Vos scored the opener and the quite excellent Jon Walters got the other. It appears that Portman Road is becoming something of a fortress for us. If we can just replicate that form away from home, perhaps the play-offs or even promotion might not be quite the pipe dream I thought it would be.

On a separate note, I found out recently that there were a couple of signings that Ipswich Town turned down in the 80's that could have dramatically changed our fortunes. It would appear that Town gave trials to not only Paul Gascoigne, but also Ruud Gullit before they made it. However, in both cases it was decided that they players should not be taken on. Gazza was deemed 'too fat' (no change there, then) and with Gullit, they had reservations about his discipline.

Gazza I can take, but Gullit? Shit.

Hopi-ng Mad

Got my parents staying with me this weekend, working on our house. Sadly it's pissing down with rain in Devon, so we're stuck indoors with nothing to do. So my dad decided to let my mum stick a burning hopi candle in his ear. I had a go as well, and I'm pretty sure I can hear better than I could before. All in all, though, a rather surreal way to spend a Saturday night.

"I've got breasts and I'm not afraid to use them!"

A would-be shoplifter squirted her breast milk at a store detective when he tried to stop her stealing goods. The woman exposed her breasts and fired away after being confronted at a Co-op store.

The attack in Leicester is thought to be the latest in a trend in which thieves try to get their DNA on security officers so they can accuse them of sexual attacks if caught.

Mourinho Lookeylikey

U Go, Boss

So the Special One has gone. I did quite like Mourinho, I've always thought he was pretty cool in a pouting, moody type of way. But under him, Chelsea have been deadly dull to watch - certainly not the champagne football that was expected for all the money that was spent. Last season in particular, they were outplayed and outclassed by United. And if I'd spent half a billion pounds on players, I'd certainly want to see my team play better than that.

But I am surprised that they've gone for Avram Grant. I would have thought they'd push the boat out for a top-class manager - somebody that can introduce a bit of flair. There are a few managers that would turn it down - Ancelotti, Wenger and Fergie to name a couple. But I think most managers would jump at the chance to manage Chelsea.

I know that Capello is available, as is Didier Deschamps. Maybe the Sevilla coach, Juande Ramos. But whoever takes charge at Chelsea - and I doubt very much that Grant will stay in the position permenantly - it will need to be someone with the stature to take Chelsea to the next level.

Uzi Naughty Boy?

The venerable Shit Sandwich recently posted about a cricket bat called the Newbury Uzi. And in light of that, it sounds like the Pakistan cricket team have resorted to similarly extreme means to stop Australia, if ABC.net.au is to be believed.

Tetris Grand Master

I used to love playing Tetris on my ZX Spectrum. It was the first game I was ever addicted to. But I've never seen anything like this, the Tetris Grand Master. This guy must have Jedi-like reactions. Well worth watching until the end, when it turns into invisible Tetris.



For those on the email update, click here to watch the video.

Well done, Steve McClaren

A week ago, I really doubted that England would get the results they needed in the Euro qualifiers. But six points, six goals and most importantly of all, we dominated both games. Israel were made to look very ordinary, but a very good Russian team were taught a lesson in football.

And I have to say, a lot of the credit has to go to Steve McClaren for making some inspired decisions in his team selection. Arguably those decisions were forced onto him with injuries and suspensions, but I would never have chosen Heskey upfront - I'd have probably given Darren Bent a go. And I would never have dreamt of putting Gareth Barry in central midfield. But he was arguably England's best player over the two games.

And he stuck with Paul Robinson, when I would probably have dropped him and Robinson had two very solid games.

This was probably the best performance from an England team since the 5-1 thrashing of the Germans in Munich. The two Coles on the left linked up well. Micah Richards and Subbuteo Shawn played well too, although SWP does need to learn how to cross the ball. Heskey won everything in the air and Owen looked white hot again. Those that wrote him off - your author included - are eating their words. Barry & Gerrard bossed the midfield and JT and Rio looked pretty solid at the back.

It will be interesting what will happen once the injured and suspended get back. Surely Heskey won't keep Rooney out of the team, but they'll miss Heskey's aerial threat, not least because both Rooney and Owen are shortarses. England do play best with 4-4-2 and the big man / little man combo. But when they've played with Crouchigol, they've often taken the easy route and hit it up too long, too quickly.

There's no way that invisible Frank Lampard should take Barry out of the team, nor should Hargreaves. I think that perhaps Beckham may replace Subbuteo Shawn, depending on Beckham's form.

But it would be a brave manager that changes this team. I bet McClaren wishes that the Estonia game was next week.

I have to say, Steve McClaren has taken an absolute beating from the Press and fans alike, me included. Maybe he has finally stepped out of the shadow of the Sven era and will now be able to prove his worth as a manager in his own right. I really hope so. A lot will depend on his team selection when all his regular players are available. Let us hope that this is the start of a new era in English football and not just a happy blip.

And on a final note: the Jocks beat the French in Paris! All in all, a top night.

"You're going to pay me for this?"

I like my job. I don't love it, but I can think of worse ways to earn a living. However, there are some people that have jobs so good, you can't help but feel green with envy. I'd quite like to be a professional footballer, for example. But I think even they would be quite envious at this job.

Boffins at Portsmouth University have spent two years researching the effect of running on women's breasts. 70 women took part in the survey, with breast sizes varying from small to JJ. If you're wondering how big that is, Jordan is a size F, which is six sizes smaller.

Fundamentally, they've put these women on a treadmill and watched their breasts jiggle about without a bra. I knew I should have chosen a science degree. If any readers can think of a better job, I'd sure like to know.

Fantasy Football update

My team is underperforming terribly and I am currently languishing third from bottom. I am below my gran and even Little Zoe in the rankings. The only consolation is that the good Shit Sandwich is currently bottom.

McClown delivers...

Watched the match on Saturday and was quite pleased. I know that it was only against Israel and they didn't put up much of a fight, but the team played well for the first time in a long time and the three points was very welcome. As much as I dislike McClown and would like to see him out of a job, I don't want England to miss Euro 2008. Watching a tournament without your team is just not the same.

I can't help but think that the injuries and suspensions actually helped the team. If Lampard had been fit, we would almost definitely have seen the unworkable Lampard / Gerrard combo in midfield yet again, with Rio and JT banging countless long balls up to Peter Crouch.

It was a brave decision to pick Emile Heskey, but perhaps the biggest surprise for me was the selection of Gareth Barry in central midfield. I would probably have gone with Michael Carrick, but to be fair, Gareth Barry played a blinder.

It was good to see little Mickey Owen get a goal, although he still looks half the player he was. But he is getting better, the more he plays. And it's good to see Subbuteo's Shaun Wright-Phillips finally start to replicate his Man City form for his country.

The Russians will prove a much harder task, not least because it's away. I hope we win, but it's going to be a lot tougher. And it leaves McClown with some difficult decisions, particularly if Lampard is fit again and as Crouchigol is no longer suspended. Does he stick with the team that did so well? Or does he go with his first choice team?

Either way, he's on a hiding to nothing unless we win and anything less than three points would be a disaster.

There's only one Chez Guevara!

Apparently I'm not the only one after all. There's a game called Chez Guevara. You can even buy a t-shirt, which I rather like and may well buy.
















There's also a restaurant in the US called Chez Guevara. Just goes to show that the old addage of 'You are unique. Just like everyone else' rings just as true in the blogosphere.

If I was them, I'd be well pissed that I have the web domain www.chezguevara.com. Well, you can't have it! Unless you send me a large bag of cash, that is. I knew I should have copyrighted the name. Damn my inherent laziness.

A proud day for White Spirit

I always strive to spread the word. And I'm always proud when my good work gets recognised. So I'm sure you can imagine my delight in being number one on Google. A proud day indeed. And not just if you search under 'Smells Like White Spirit'. Oh no... We are number one if you type in 'Chuck your muck over your sister's jubblies'. A proud day indeed.

And we're number 4 on MSN if you type in 'Excited by doctor examining my breasts'. Still some way to go there, but I'm sure with a concerted effort, I can make the number one spot.

Folly in Mount Edgcumbe

Spent a lovely day on Saturday, discovering the beauty of Mount Edgcumbe. For those that don't know, it's a manor house over the river from Plymouth. It was first built in the 1500s and you have to get the foot ferry over the river to get to it. A truly great day out. Plymouth is not the most beautiful city in the world, but it does look spectacular from Edgcumbe, as these photos show.

View over Plymouth

View over Plymouth

The folly

View from the Folly

Scared of my bandana

Venison

A man came into the office today and offered me eight legs of venison for a tenner. I told him to piss off because it was too dear.

(This joke only really works if you say it outloud)

A Joke about Nurses

A trainee nurse starts her new job at the hospital and is being shown around the wards by the matron. In one ward she is horrified to see a man masturbating furiously on his bed.

"That's wrong." says the trainee "why don't you stop him?"

"Oh no, that's Mr Jones. He's got a rather embarrassing problem. His testicles produce too much semen and he has to do that or they'll burst."

Still feeling uncomfortable, she begrudgingly agrees with the matron and moves on. In the next ward, she sees a nurse giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh come on, that's really wrong!" says the trainee.

"No, that's Mr Smith." says the matron. He's got the same problem as Mr Jones, but he's with BUPA."

Wife's Night Out

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports and play on the internet all night...

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover...

You wake up the next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night...

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece...

You circle the car looking for dents and find none...

But...

Wait a minute...

It's Behind You!

A family on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving. The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience. His son wanted a pic of his mum and dad in all their gear so got the underwater camera on the go.

When it came to taking the pic the dad realised that the son looked like he was panicking as he took it and gave the "OK" hand sign to see if he was alright. The son took the pic and swam to the surface and back to the boat as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was OK. When they got back to him he was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely shitting himself.

When the parents asked why he said "there was a shark behind you" and the dad thought he was joking but the skipper of the boat said it was true and that they wouldn't believe him if he told them what it was. As soon as they got back to the hotel they put the pic onto the laptop and this is what they saw.