What is ET short for?

Because he has small legs.

A Joke about Mickey Mouse

I've heard that Mickey Mouse is feeling poorly. Apparently he's been getting Disney spells.

The World's Most Gullible Criminal

What an invisible thief wouldn't look like.














In the long list of criminal dos and don'ts, one of the top pieces of advice has to be 'never rob a bank thinking that you're invisible when you're not actually invisible.'

Sadly for one man in Iran, he made just that mistake – and as a result, police in Tehran are hunting a fake sorcerer who convinced the man he was invisible and so could rob banks safely.

The man's ill-fated heist attempt started to go wrong shortly after he entered the bank, as he started snatching money from the hands of customers. For some reason, rather than being terrified of the mysterious invisible poltergeist stealing their cash, the customers quickly overpowered the hapless thief.

"I made a mistake. I understand now what a big trick was played on me." the man told the court, state-run newspaper Jam-e Jam reports.

He explained that he had paid 5 million rials (just under £290) to a wizard imposter, who in return gave hims spells to tie to his arm. The sorcerer told him that they would make him invisible, and that he could then rob banks to his heart's content.

Pop Quiz

So, pop pickers... What was the best-selling album of the 1960's?

UPDATE:
I should perhaps have been clearer! I meant the best-selling album of the decade, so that would exclude any sales from the 70's onwards. And I should have said in the UK as well...

The best-selling album in the 1960's was the soundtrack to The Sound of Music. In the UK, it was at Nr 1 for 69 weeks from 1965 to 1968!

Mute Tourettes Syndrome

I don't normally make a habit of forwarding charity e-mails, but this seemed to be a particularly good cause. I know it touched me personally. Mute Tourettes Syndrome has long been in the shadow of its more famous sister-disease, Tourettes Syndrome, and although much rarer, is even more tragic in its consequences.

While a child suffering from Tourettes has difficulty in containing its anger and frustration, a child with Mute Tourettes suffers the opposite fate and is unable to express their true feelings. There is, however, an answer.

A great deal has been achieved by the Mute Tourettes Foundation using new art therapy techniques. However, their work can only continue with our help: Just £1.37 will keep a child supplied with crayons for a whole day. £5 will provide them with enough paper for a week. Please give what you can to help this deserving cause.

See the picture below to see how they helped one little girl.

A Joke about Auctions

Q. What does an auctioneer need to know to do his job?
A. Lots.

Three in a bed Look-a-like Xmas Special

Balding goth Sisters of Mercy singer Andrew 'Moaner' Eldritch; übercamp Judas Priest frontman Rob 'Yes, that is a Whip I'm Holding' Halford; and forehead-kissing French goalkeeper Fabien 'Le Grand Slaphead' Barthez.

Dodgy Lyrics (or dodgy ears)

My car has a tape recorder and I only actually own three tapes, one of which is a tape of Libyan Belly Dancing music. But one of those tapes is Sisters of Mercy - First and Last and Always, one of the best albums of my childhoold. But one of the songs, No Time to Cry, seems to have Andrew Eldritch singing "No time for Latte", which isn't particularly goth, is it?

Reminds me of Madonna's Erotica, which sounds exactly as if she's singing 'Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, Put your hands all over my body." (See this video on Rathergood.com for proof).

Rathergood.com have got a couple of other funny dodgy lyric videos, including: Simply Red, Simply Red (again), the Beatles and Pavarotti.

The Di'ly Express

Of all the newspapers in the UK, the one I hate most is the Daily Express. Which may come as a surprise to some of you, bearing in mind it's in competition with the Daily Heil. But at least with the Heil, it does exactly what it promises to do. It's the voice of the conservative right and everyone needs a voice, irrespective of whether you agree with that voice or not. And I don't even mind the Sun, Star or Mirror. They're like comics for adults in a world where a good pun is much better than a good story. I don't particularly take them seriously and to be honest, I suspect that they are written tongue in cheek anyway.

But the Express is different. The self-titled 'World's Greatest Newspaper' is in my opinion the most insidious of them all. It is sensationalism of the lowest degree, its headlines are always misleading, misquoting and over the top - it's not unusual for the headline to read something like 'House prices to crash by 30%', only to find out that some analyst or other might have said a few months ago that it could happen if aliens invade or interest rates rise by 5% or something. They just seem to come up with headline, then look around for the 'facts' to back it up. And they dig up the same old themes over and over again, house prices set to collapse / boom, new health miracle cure / deadly scare...

It's simple scaremongering and I HATE it when the media does that. It is irresponsible behaviour for a publication that has three-quarters of a million readers every day. If all their readers were to actually all BELIEVE what this shameless rag is publishing and acted accordingly, well, who knows what could happen...

I remember a headline after the July 7th bombing in London. 'Bombers are all sponging asylum seekers', when it turned out that NONE of the bombers were in fact asylum seekers (and two of the bombers weren't even known at that point). The Express's obsession with the asylum issue even led to Simon Darby, a member of the British National Party, crediting the paper with boosting the BNP's electoral fortunes.

And the other thing I hate about the Express... It's been ten years since Diana died. Ten years. But the Di'ly Express knows that she STILL sells papers. Friday's subheading read that 'Stevens Report does not answer the key questions: And The Daily Express won't stop asking them'. No, they won't stop asking the questions. It sells far too many papers.

DAILY EXPRESS INTERESTING FACT:

Number of times this year that Diana has been the front page Headline: 60.

The Suffolkator

Why are they calling him the Ipswich Ripper? He hasn't actually 'ripped' anyone. As far as I'm aware, they've all been asphyxiated? Unless, as I commented on Little Zoe's blog, it is as a result of severe flatulence, it's misleading to call him the Ipswich Ripper. And the Suffolk Strangler... I mean, it's not particularly unique, we've had a few 'stranglers' before, the most famous being the Boston Strangler.

I think we need a bit more imagination when coming up with new serial killer nicknames.

I think he should be called the Suffolkator. It covers both strangling / flatulence angles. And it sounds vaguely like some kind of futuristic killing machine, as opposed to some fat, dysfunctional 'mummy's boy' weirdo, which is probably nearer to the truth.

Jack the Tractor part II

I just heard a nice lady on the BBC describe this nutter as 'potentially one of Britain's worst serial killers'.

What nonsense.

Surely Michael Barrymore is Britain's worst serial killer, since he's only bumfisted one man to death, and didn't even have the decency to admit it.

Jack the Tractor

Bit weird, Ipswich all of a sudden being on the world news. I'm used to Ipswich being a bit of a backwater type place, not the kind of place with a serial killer. Aside from anything else, I don't want Ipswich to be the kind of place that you always associate with some kind of tragedy - eg when you think of Locabie or Hungerford.

I've spoken to some people back home, they're all a bit scared, understandably. At the moment, it's only prostitutes who are being targetted, but there's no guarantee at all that it will stay that way. I'll never understand what it is that suddenly makes someone decide to go out and kill a load of people.

I hope they catch him quickly. And then Ipswich can go back to being famous for having a crap football team.

Satan's Flying Wizards

A story in the Surrey Comet about culling pigeons in the Royal Borough town of Kingston. Which goes out of control as the local residents start to add their comments....

Day 1...

Yup, today I have stopped smoking again. It was fucking tough this afternoon, there were countless times I had to fight the temptation to go to the shops and buy fags. But somehow I managed to resist the temptation and day one smoke-free is finished.

I hate stopping smoking. I am determined that this is the last time I have to do this. Tonight I didn't know what to do with myself, I didn't want to be with anyone but I also didn't want to be alone... I didn't know if I was going to burst into tears or into manic laughter. I've got so much energy built up in my muscles, I keep having to do Hulk-style muscle stretches...

And I can feel it searching for a weakness. I often think of my cigarette addiction as being a separate entity from me, like a monster that I have to face. This morning it fought on the old the enjoyment / pain battleground, one that I just about managed to win.

Since then, it's tried all sorts of different tactics to get me to smoke again and I'm resisting them all. I will not give in. Not this time. It's not easy this time - in the past it has been. But this time I think I need it to be hard, I need to feel the pain of it. I think that will be the only way I will not take it up again.

So, off to hide behind a giant packet of crisps for a couple of days. Wish me luck.

Death Sticks from Hell

A lot has been made of the recent death of Alexander Litvinenko due to Polonium-210 poisoning. I had never heard of Polonium-210 before this episode - chemistry was never my strong point - but apparently one milligram of Polonium-210 emits as many alpha particles as 5 grams of radium. Weight for weight, it is 10 to the power of 9 times more toxic than hydrogen cyanide. In fact, one gram of Polonium-210 is enough to poison 100 million people, of which 50 million people would die.

Was reading today Kyklops' struggles at stopping smoking. I rather stupidly took up smoking again recently. And today, more than ever, I wish I hadn't. I was doing a little bit of research... And you can imagine my joy when I discovered that cigarette smoke contains Polonium-210. According to U.S. Surgeon General C. Everett Koop (on national television, 1990) radioactivity, not tar, accounts for at least 90% of all smoking related lung cancer. And guess what? The cigarette manufacturers have known about this since the 60's.

And when you dig deeper into what are actually breathing into your lungs, it absolutely fills you with horror. There are 43 known carcinogens in cigarette smoke. 43! There are over 4,000 different chemicals. Aside from Polonium-210, there is also lead-210, which is also radioactive. And there are also the old favourites hydrogen cyanide, ammonia, carbon monoxide, nitrogen oxide and of course, how could we forget formaldehyde?

And I was horrified to find out that animals are STILL being submitted to the most horrendous tests by the cigarette companies. Examples include:

* Cutting holes in beagles' throats through which the dogs are forced to breathe concentrated cigarette smoke for a year.

* Inserting electrodes into dogs' penises to measure the effect of cigarette smoke on sexual performance.

* Strapping masks to the faces of rats and monkeys and permanently restraining them to force them to breathe cigarette smoke constantly.

* Forcing dogs to be on mechanical ventilators and chronically exposed to cigarette smoke.

* Restraining Rhesus monkeys in chairs with head devices and exposing them to nicotine and caffeine to determine how caffeine and nicotine affect breathing.

Having now been vegetarian for about five months, I am horrified that this is still going on. Thankfully it's been illegal in Britain since 1997, but in the States it is still widespread, paid for by both the taxpayer AND the cigarette companies, even though the long-term effects are pretty much well-known.

All things being equal, I think that cigarette manufacturers are about as close as we will ever get to Satanic representation on earth. I mean, I bet even Hell wouldn't have been able to come up with something as evil as cigarettes. Cigarettes not that big in size, really... How the hell do they manage to fit all that stuff in them? It must be really packed in to fit so much that is bad for you in one little stick.

It reminds me of the Terry Pratchett book 'Omen'. For those that haven't read it, there's an angel and a demon on earth, maintaining balance. And they both let each other have the odd victory every now and then. The demon, Crawley, receives a commendation from Satan for the Spanish Inquisition... And it was the first time he'd even heard of it. Just goes to show that we are often better at creating suffering for ourselves and our surroundings than anything old Beelzebubbles has downstairs.

On my own in the office...

and having a disco. Well, not so much a disco, more of a rave, really. It's four twenty on a Friday afternoon and I have psychedelic trance blasting out of my laptop. Oh yes. I like work on days like this.

Sorry about the bullet sound effects that happen everytime you open the website. It's from that George Bush shoot 'em up game. Eventually it will find its way into the archives and normal service will be resumed. But to anyone that hasn't played the game, it's really rather good.

Pizza Hut

If any of you phone up Pizza Hut to make an order, make sure you say 'Smells Like White Spirit' to the operator. You won't get a discount... But it helps to get the name around.

Now the Novel is finished...

It an explosion of creativity like I've never previously experienced. To write a 65,000 word novel in less than 6 days... The whole story and dialogue just ran through my head, like I was watching a film. I literally couldn't write fast enough. If I hadn't had to go to work and if I'd been able to type faster, I'd have finished it much sooner.

Writing it was intense... And I didn't plan the storyline in advance, I had no idea how it was going to end. In fact, I often didn't know what was going to happen even in the chapters I was writing. Which meant I learned about the storyline at almost exactly the time as the characters and indeed, the reader. And it worked... Somehow it worked. I have absolutely no idea whether I'll ever be able to do this again. I hope so. I'd quite like to be an author. A lot will depend on whether I can get this one published or not. If I can, I'll definitely try and do it again.

But it was a book I needed to write, even though I had absolutely no idea as I was writing it. It's so bizarre, the main character is on a journey in both a physical and metaphorical sense... And I walked every step of the way with him. And even at the end, I still didn't know what the point of it was. I just wrote what I saw.

And three days later, it's starting to make a bit of sense now. Amazing how the human psyche finds a way to let you to see what you need to see, even if you can't see with your everyday eyes. I'm not going to go into any detail, but it's all good.

Mary Poppins 2 - This Time She's Pissed...

Women... They just don't get football.

This is a true story from a West Ham season-ticket holder. His season-ticket last year was an absolute plum seat half way up the Upton park main stand close to the half-way line. In other words, a TV camera style view. Anyway, after the first few games of the season it became apparent that despite all the home games being sell-outs, the two seats on his left were always empty. This continued until just after Christmas when all of a sudden a guy and his young son appeared there. After a few weeks of sitting next to this guy and his son, he decided to ask if the guy knew why the seats had been empty for half the season.

The guy said "Don't even go there mate. The wife bought me and my son a season ticket but decided it would be a nice idea to give us them for Christmas. I was fucking raging!"

Can you guess in which country this photo was taken?

My sort of Town

Italian Time Keeping

Finished!

Well, it's taken six days and 65,000 words but the novel is finally finished. The Trouser Legs of Destiny are now ready to walk into a bookshop near you. It's been intense, seriously intense. I don't know if I'll write a second one, I guess that depends on whether I can get the first one published. But it's been absolutely draining. And yet exhilerating at the same time. I can't believe I've finally managed it, my own novel. I can safely tick that one off the list of things to do before I die.

Ladies & Gentlemen, we have a title...

I've just reached 50,000 words and I know how it's going to end. How do I know? Because I've already written the last chapter, that's how. Now just have to finish the last third of the book and it's a done deal.

And we have a title. 'The Trouser Legs of Destiny' by Chez Guevara. There you go. Available in all good bookshops, just as soon as I find someone to publish it...

This Novel-writing lark is easy!

I'm now past halfway, just finished Chapter 22. So far, I've written about 41,000 words. Which equates to about ten thousand words a day. If I carry on like this, I should be finished by Wednesday, I reckon! I'm going for the world record in shortest time to write an entire novel. If I can get it done by Tuesday, I'll have written the whole thing in a week.

It's been a lot of fun, so far. I would recommend it to anyone. The hardest thing is coming up with the original idea. As soon as you've come up with that, the rest just writes itself! By the way... if anyone knows any publishers... I'll give you a 'shout out' in the book!

So far, so good!

I'm about quarter of the way through the novel now, I've just finished chapter 10. So far I've written about twenty thousand words. I have no idea whether it's good enough to get published, but that's not really the point. Of course, once I've finished it, I will try and get it published... But I won't cry if it doesn't happen. It will be just enough to have written it.

I did consider putting the chapters written so far on the blog... But I'm a little worried that it might get nicked. I know it's not very likely, but you can never be too careful. Who knows, I might be sitting on a blockbuster, and if anyone's going to reap in the rewards of it, it'll be me! You do hear sometimes of people stealing ideas or even sometimes entire manuscripts of stories. If it's good enough for Dan Brown (allegedly), it will be good enough for some internet dweeb running low on inspiration.

But it has actually been remarkably easy so far. As soon as I came up with the bare bones of the story, the rest has just fallen into place. I'm at a bit of a crossroads in the plot. And I haven't worked out how it's going to end yet. But then again, I quite like that. I've got a couple of ideas about how it's going to end, but nothing yet set in stone. I'm sure all will become clear soon.

If anyone wants to read what I've written so far, let me know and I'll email you some chapters.

A Novel Idea

They always say that adversity is the breeding ground of creativity. Don't they? They don't? I'm sure I heard them say that. I'll ask them next time I see them. But anyway, I've decided that it's about time I started doing some of the things I've been meaning to do for a long time. I don't mean things like 'wash socks' or 'hoover floor'. You can always buy more socks and if I hoover the floor, it will only get dirty again. It always does. No, I mean the REAL things I've been meaning to do, the ones on my list of things to do before I die.

So last night I started my novel. I took it so seriously, I actually started it twice. My first attempt was shit. Far too rambling, no real storyline or even thought as to what it was I was going to write. It actually read a little bit too much like a blog, but one of those self-obsessed MEEEEE blogs. So I decided to scrap that and write it in the third person. And I decided to not make it entirely about me but to have a storyline.

I've just finished the first chapter and I'm rather excited about it. I have the bare bones of a storyline. I've got the beginning down, I've set the scene, so to speak. I've got a vague idea about the ending, although I suspect that the ending will be clear within itself. I have a vague idea about the middle. I'll keep you posted as to how it goes.

Bush Shoot Out Game

You are everyone's favourite chimp world leader... And the White House has been overrun with terrorists... Can you take out the terrorists?

Four Second Fury

This game is ridiculously addictive. You have four seconds to complete each game...

Don't Mess with Granny...

Great Graffiti

Bugger.

Single again. Me & 'the girl of my dreams' have just split up. Her decision, sadly. Long story that I won't bore you with here, but all I can really say is that I will NEVER understand women as long as I live... Women, eh? Can't live with 'em. Can't bury them under the patio.

New Zealand Haka vs Tonga Sipi Tau

Rugby match between New Zealand and Tonga. The Kiwis start with the Haka, but the Tongans reply with their own war dance, the Sipi Tau... What an atmosphere! Wish Ipswich had a war dance...

Adult Swim

Adult Swim is a great program on Bravo late at night. Not a grumbleflick, but a series of fantastic 'adult-orientated' cartoons. I saw it for the first time the other night and it really made me laugh. Some of it is a bit hit and miss, but some of it is absolutely brilliant.

They had a great cartoon with a young girl asleep in her bedroom. The toothfairy flies in and removes the tooth from under her pillow. At that point, in another room, you hear her parents arguing and the little girl wakes up. She stares at the toothfairy and the toothfairy stares at her, as they both listen to the little girl's parents fighting.

A shot rings out and the mother is suddenly quiet... The toothfairy and the little girl look at each other again... the toothfairy then goes out and the little girl listens alone to the sound of fighting again. Another shot is fired and the father is suddenly quiet...

The camera never leaves the little girl's bedroom. She listens to the toothfairy get taken away by the police and is left all on her own in her bedroom for about 15 seconds.

The a marching band comes in and give the girl a certificate - "Congratulations! That was the darkest sketch ever shown!"

Absolutely brilliant. There's also Aqua Teen Hunger Force, which has nothing to do with water, teens or Hunger Force. Just a sketch with a milkshake, a meatwad and some chips. Well worth a watch, rather than that 'Make a Play' shite on ITV.

Technical Help

If your internet connection doesn't work, please review your user manual.

If that fails, please review the FAQ on our website.

If that fails, please contact our technical department.

If that fails, please revert to buying old fashioned porn from the newsagent.

Dope is as Dope does...

In the field of criminals making things really easy for the police, a bold new standard-setter has emerged – A woman in Michigan called the police after she became concerned that the dope she was smoking had been spiked with other chemicals.

Lt. Mike Pousak of the Oak Park police said: "When our officers got to the house she told them she believed the marijuana she had been smoking was laced with something other than marijuana."

According to authorities, the woman's daughter also noted that her mother had begun to suspect that her house contained demons.

On the plus side, the marijuana was indeed sent away for testing, so the woman got her request. So far, tests have managed to confirm that it's marijuana.

On the question of whether other drug users might like to take advantage of the police's helpful Pot Checking While U Wait service, Lt. Poulak suggested: "Not unless they want to be charged."

The woman has now been charged with possessing marijunana.

Britain Number 1

Interesting to hear the the British are now Europe's biggest users of cocaine... In addition to this, we are also Europe's Number 1 for teenage pregnancy, binge drinking, obesity, debt and percentage of adults in prison.

Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it.

Quick thought...

Bearing in mind that tobacco grows naturally, does a cigarette count as one of your 5 portions of fruit and veg?

Stolen from The Late Edition on BBC4 - saw it for the first time tonight and really is rather good. Well worth a watch, if anyone hasn't seen it!

Strange Things from your Childhood

People with lockjaw can now meet online















I can't wait to have kids so that I can lie to them and convince them that all sorts of outrageous things are true. So that, like me, when they are 34, they can make a complete tit of themselves by innocently mentioning something that turns out to be utter bollocks.

I was 18 before I realised that leaving the car running does NOT actually produce more petrol. But yesterday, I was getting a bit of shiatsu from Helen and she was massaging the skin bit between my thumb and forefinger. I innocently remarked that if you cut that bit of skin, you immediately get lockjaw. Which, it turns out, isn't true.

I remember as a child being terrified of lockjaw, which is a crazy thing to be scared of. Scared that you would cut your hand and that your mouth would suddenly spring open, exactly like a bear trap doesn't.

On a side note, the meridian point between the finger and thumb is linked to the lower intestine. Does that mean, therefore, that if you cut the skin, you'll get lockarse?

A Joke about Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom:

"I've got something to tell you. I'm having a baby broom."

"But that's impossible!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"

(A classic 'dad' joke if ever there was one)

Time's not been kind to Bez

Swan Sandwich

So... you're two days into Ramadan and you're hungry... What do you do? Do you go to a shop and buy some food? Or perhaps a local takeaway? Or do you go to your local park at midnight, hunt down a swan, kill it by biting through its neck and then try and take it home in a carrier bag?

Cheese Eaters are Mutants

a cheese sculpture of the Sante Maria













Interesting article about eating cheese. Apparently 61% of the global population is lactose-intolerant. The remaining 39% that CAN eat dairy products are mutants, apparently.

As someone that loves cheese, it is certainly only a matter of time therefore before I can summon lightning just by rolling my eyes. I'd prefer that than having a metal skeleton nailed onto my existing one.

Desperate Measures

I recently saw this picture outside a Church in Plymouth. I know that the Church is struggling to maintain its popularity, especially amongst young people. But I hate these attempts at giving the Church streetcred.


















What next? A reworking of Da Lord's Prayer? Me Fatha... Wot is n Hvn... Aiiii is ur name....

That's one way to end your career

I never watched Seinfeld. But Michael Richards, who played the eccentric Cosmo Kramer doesn't appear to ever want to work again after a recent appearance at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood. It appears two guys, both African-American, were in the cheap seats playfully heckling Richards when suddenly, the 'comedian' lost it...

Proof that the Council are Bastards

How to Deal with a Problem Neighbour

'Iron' Mike Tyson

What may await you at Heidi's Stud Farm







Remarkable story about former Heavyweight boxing champion and convicted rapist Mike Tyson. Apparently, he's been approached by Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss to work as an escort in her brothel. Prostitution is legal in Nevada and she has opened a legit escort firm called 'Heidi's Stud Farm'. It would appear that Iron Mike is to be her prize 'stallion'. According to Helen:

"I said, `You`re going to be my big stallion.` He said, `I don`t care what any man says, it`s every man`s dream to please every woman ... and get paid for it.` And it`s every man`s fear that their girlfriend will go for Mike Tyson"

...the New York Daily News quoted her as saying. And it would appear that women are not put off by his conviction for rape and general mysogeny; apparently she's being besieged by letters, telling her to hurry up and get him on the farm.

Smells Shit Like Little Zoe's Shorts

I refer to a recent comment by the world's funniest accountant, the extremely cleverly named Pal Pito...

.. btw I'm slowly working out who everyone is in this virtual world (eg Chez = J = SLWS, Shit=M, Liam=Prof/Farnsy, etc) and who is related to whom, eg LZ=cousin(Chez) etc... I'm half expecting to find out the Shaymus is in fact my mother... still, all adds to the fun...

I went to school with Pal, indeed he was actually head of my house. But I don't actually remember ever talking to him, except for when it was my turn to be his fag. And as I was brought up to appreciate good manners where you never talk with your mouth full, that doesn't really count.

Our brave new virtual world has so many branches but I don't think that anyone has actually seen the whole tree. Wouldn't it be fun if we could perhaps all meet up? A clashing of worlds, when blogs collide...

An absolutely 'tits' weekend

As the Mighty Shit Sandwich would say. Which means it was a good one, apparently. Shit came down to the mecca that is Plymouth and a great time was had by all. There was an awful lot of alcohol, a lot of very bad jokes (and some great ones, which I can't remember, but trust me, they were world class). Good food, good company and, as ever, there were the Sisters of Mercy.

We went to the seaside and ate a proper Cornish pasty. We went to the rather fabulous cocktail bar and then we went to the rather less fabulous Treasury bar, where we practised our 'gay' dancing and I got accosted by a grannie (again. Why is it always me?)

And then today we watched the mighty Ipswich Town stuff the budgies before he trundled back off to sunny Folkestone. A true prince amongst men, a life in the company of the shit sandwich is a life well spent indeed. May the seed of his loins be fruitful in the belly of his woman.

Parting the Bearded Clam *

* Copyright Shit Sandwich.

No, I'm not going for a '10' on the Vodafone server, this is actually about Tai Chi. Some of you may know that I've taken up Tai Chi recently and I'm currently labouring through the 8-form. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be, imagining it previously to be generally waving your hands around and saying 'Ommm' a lot.

However, that is not the problem. The problem is that every move has a Chinese name (badly translated, I expect) and some of them are really rather funny. Not least because my good lady is actually the teacher.

The first move I learnt is to 'part the wild horse's mane'. And every move has a martial application, which means that when you get good at it, you can actually use it in a fight. I can see how it would work:

Me: "If you don't watch it sonny, I'm going to part you right in the mane"
Asbo-touting Hoodie: "No! No! Not the mane!"

However, last week I was practising hard and overheard Helen teaching the more advanced 24 form:

Helen: "OK, so we go into 'cloudhands'.... Then we 'repulse the monkey'"

I have to say, I couldn't stop laughing. I just had visions of:

Monkey: "No! What are you doing with that banana? That's disgusting, I've got to EAT that..."

So I was telling this to Shit who was down this weekend, who came up with the quite brilliant title for this post. And we were discussing the martial aspect to tai chi - a little slow really for a proper fight, I expect. I had more visions of:

Me: 'I avoid the punch by 'parting the wild horses mane'... I headbutt him using 'woodpecker on amphetamines', I throw him to the floor using the 'white crane'... Then I kick him in the head while he's on the floor with 'crab going on holiday'...

And we had the idea (somehow) of tai chi for chavs, or perhaps tai chinnit. And we did come up with some great moves, including the 'running out of Primark', the 'buying your lotterys down Asdas', the 'bitchslap' and the 'driving your novas'.

I think we could be onto something.

Do... a Deer... a female (dead) deer...

Clearly the deer was asking for it.













A man is accused of having sex with the carcass of a deer that he found lying beside the road – but his lawyer denies that he committed bestiality, on the grounds that a dead deer isn't an animal any more.

20-year-old Bryan James Hathaway of Superior, Wisconsin allegedly had sex with the deer corpse after he found it on the roadside on October 11 this year. Authorities say he told police that he noticed the deer lying in a ditch, and then moved the corpse into the woods.

He is charged with 'sexual gratification with an animal' but in a magnificent piece of legal footwork, his attorney argues that he can't be guilty of that crime, because a carcass isn't an animal.

Public defender Fredric Anderson filed a motion last week which claimed: 'The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass.'

He said that if you try to include corpses in the category of 'animals', then 'you really go down a slippery slope with absurd results.' The only clear place to draw a line in the definition of what is an animal, and what isn't, was at the point of death, he argued.

He gave the example of a roast turkey – with which it would be illegal to have sex under the braoder interpretation of the law – claiming that it was unreasonable to suggest it should still be classified as an animal for the purposes of law.

In response, prosecutor James Broughner argued that a deer carcass is still an animal – pointing out that in his statement to police, Hathaway called the corpse a 'dead deer,' demonstrating that he still thought of it as an animal.

If Hathaway is convicted, he could serve up to two years in prison, because of a previous conviction in 2005 for shooting dead a horse called Bambrick. So that he could have sex with it.

Rubbing it in

Fun with Perception

A Joke about a Coma

A woman had been in a coma for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what had happened, telling him:

"Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation, it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room. A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flatlined - no pulse, no heart rate, alarms ringing; the nurses burst into the room.

"What happened?" they cried.

"I'm not sure” said the husband, “I think she choked...."

Rich Men Go Cruising for Sexy Women...

A matchmaking cruise for male millionaires and women who must be "good-looking and desirable" sets sail in China this month.

"Rich men are normally very busy, and most of the women they meet are there for work or business, which these men consider to be unsuitable for relationships," organiser Xu Tianli said.

One of the registered men, who identified himself by his surname, Sun, was confident in the match-making process. "I often find pretty women on the street, but many of the women I meet in person are not the kind to win husbands," he was quoted as saying. "Appearance is most important to me."

In other news, a breaking report of bears defecating in a forest and Pope admits 'I'm Catholic'.

The Holy Toast

It would appear a woman is selling some toast on Ebay. But this toast apparently has the Virgin Mary on it. And what's more, there's a bid on it of $99.9 million. Any offers, anyone?

Sky Sports

Sky Sports are always boasting that they are first for sports news. Often to the detriment of the actual content being right. But it seems even they are being a little presumptious, not to mention defeatist ahead of tonight's friendly with the Dutch. Two headlines on their website:

Terry Targets Dutch Win. Perhaps it might be better to target an English win?

Neville: McClaren Can't Win. (Although this has since been removed from the Sky website, so maybe even Sky felt guilty at that one.)

En-ger-land! Ho-ll-and!

I will not be watching t'football tonight as again I will be busy. And to be honest, I think I'm lucky to not have to watch it. I can't imagine that Engerland will suddenly be any good, after being shit in their previous few games.

Although Ruud Gullit did make me laugh. I liked Ruud Gullit as a player. Not only was he one of the most gifted players of his generation, he had a quite amazing moustache. However, since he stopped playing, I have to say I like him less...

"I don't know what is wrong with England," says a confused Ruud Gullit. "The Dutch have a system that works, whereas England don't."

It's hard to argue with Gullit, who can point to the 2006 World Cup, where England were knocked out in the quarter-finals and Holland made it all the way to the... erm... second round. Or Euro 2004, where both countries were knocked out by Portugal. Erm. Well then, how about the World Cup in 2002, when England again stumbled at the quarter-final stage and Holland... Oh. Didn't qualify.

Yes, if only we had a system that works as well as the Dutch, all our problems would be over.

I am predicting a dull match, with England once again failing to raise to the occasion. I don't know if we'll lose... But expect a low-scoring match from the English perspective. I wouldn't be surprised to see Beckham back in the next squad if things don't go well here.

Tumbleweed

No, it's not a new Dr Who spin-off, more what's been on White Spirit recently... I've been as busy as a really studious thing in really quite industrious season. Hence the lack of posts. Of all the possible reasons there could be, which one do you think is the most likely?

1. I've been spending all my time at the Salvation Army, handing out soup to the homeless;

2. I was kidnapped by the Plymouth Triads, only managing to escape during the daring rescue / bloodbath that ensued;

3. I've been enjoying a well-earned break at Her Majesty's pleasure (I mean nicked by the rozzers, not going down on the Queen);

4. I've been working too hard and have also been going out too much.

Yes, 10 points if you chose number 4. But, gentle reader, do not fear... This new-found 'working too hard' and 'being popular' is only a temporary setback; normal service will soon be resumed.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yup, today is my 34th birthday. Funny how these things sneak up on you. And because I don't know when anyone else's birthday is, I didn't feel too bad when almost everyone forgot.

Admittedly, I hadn't really made that big a deal of it. But I did perhaps make the mistake of having a joint birthday celebration with one of my other friends, and I must admit to feeling a bit jealous that she was getting cards and I wasn't... Even from our joint friends... Bastards.

But it did make me realise that it's nice to have your birthday remembered, if even via an email or a phone call. So if everyone would like to let me know when their birthday is, I will promise to do my best at remembering it.

Grrrrrammar rant...

Every day I walk past a little cafe and it irritates me. It's in Sutton, and they've called it Sutton Snax's. That's just so wrong on so many levels. I mean for a start, how the hell do you pronounce it? Snackses? I could understand Snax, in a txt spk sort of way. But to chuck on both an S AND an apostrophe is just plain bizarre.

And today I got a letter from a girl wanting a job... And bearing in mind, this is someone who is 30, not a 17-year old school leaver, and it was written on a computer. I have written it here exactly as it appeared on the letter:

"Are you looking for a self motivated and someone who thrives on a challenge? I'am currently looking for a rewarding career in Mortgage Sales, I have a wealth of knowledge. especially in the adverse Mortgage Market. I have moved down very recently from Scotland and is a permanent move, the reason for an employment break. I'am studying for cemap qualifications from home and is totaly self funded, however I need the right job to compliment this..."

It's a shame - I bet she'd be really good at her job. But I could never employ her. With all the paperwork that we have to do, I just couldn't trust her. I am amazed that she doesn't know the difference between a full stop and a comma; or the difference between I am - I'm and actually uses the bastardization of I'am....

I don't know... It takes 10 seconds to run a spell-checker. And there are mistakes on her CV as well - proffesional, was the worst of the lot.

I know that there are plenty of people that cannot spell and haven't been taught correct grammar usage; I also know there are plenty of people that are dyslexic and simply cannot help the fact they can't spell. But sorry, now that every computer has a spellchecker, I'm old school on this. In a previous life I was a manager in charge of 80 people. I would get hundreds of CVs sent through. If a CV had more than one spelling mistake in it, it went straight in the bin. Not because they couldn't spell - I would happily employ someone with dyslexia, if they used a spellchecker. I wouldn't employ them because it just showed a total lack of attention to detail.

I know that today's teachers are not really pushing grammar and spelling in the way they used to... But I also know telling kids that spelling and grammar is not important is NOT preparing them for the outside world. Because I sure as hell won't employ someone who would send a letter to the outside world written like that.

Bush the Human Beatbox

Just when you thought it was safe...

Every time I've ever been to Brighton, I've seen Jordan. Everyone I've ever known that has been to Brighton has seen Jordan. Some celebrities shun the spotlight. Not Jordan. The last time I saw her in Brighton, she was pushing a pram down the high street, dressed entirely in pink leather. Am I the only person in Britain to think that Jordan is as rough as a three-quid handjob?

So I am not at all surprised to hear that Jordan and the thick as shit Peter Andre are releasing a record... Think that's bad? It's an album of love songs. And they are duets...

Do they really think that anyone is actually going to buy it for any other reason than as a joke Xmas present? Or perhaps with the same morbid curiosity that makes people stare at traffic accidents? I can't work them out. Do they really take themselves as seriously as they appear to? Or is just one ironic big wind-up...

One last thing... Did anyone see their duet on Children in Need? Think that was bad? Do you want to know what it sounded like BEFORE the sound engineers did their magic? Click here to hear it in its full glory. I'm warning you, this should have an 18 certificate.

The All New Smells Like White Spirit

The more observant of you will notice that I've given White Spirit a face lift. But I've done more than just change the colour...

I've added a whole new section in the sidebar. I've spent all night categorising all the posts, so you can now search the archives by topic. Want to see every video I've ever posted? Just click on 'videos'. Under pressure to be funny? Just click on 'Jokes'

The things I do to make your White Spirit experience a better one. I hope you like it.

**UPDATE** I decided to ditch the red background after taking advice from a 'design expert' (thanks Carrie). Apparently it makes it difficult to read (or should I say more difficult than it already is). I wouldn't want to make any of you go blind (insert own joke here), so I've reverted back to the black. Although I have sneaked some red in.

Attack of the Sprouts

It's Christmas Dinner... And the sprouts are intent on ruining it for you. Can you stop the sprouts from ruining Christmas??

Attack of the Sprouts

My top score so far is 1290. Can you beat it? No cheating with Photoshop...

Mind Fuck Pictures Part 3

Stare at the 4 little dots on the middle of the picture for 30 seconds... Then look at a wall near you... A bright spot will appear... Who do you see?

Mind Fuck Pictures Part 2

Keep your eyes on the cross in the middle of the circle... You'll see a green dot shooting round the circle. Keep looking... and suddenly all the dots magically disappear...

Mind Fuck Pictures Part 1

Can you see them moving?

Autobiographies

On my list of things to do before I die is to write an autobiography. Although I don't hold high hopes for this, due to the fact that I can't remember what I did yesterday, let alone 20 years ago. I knew I should have kept a diary.

But I do have a title for it... I used to do a bit of online dating. I shall use my 'tagline' as the title. It read:

"Are you The One? Or will you end up under the patio like all the others?"

Incredibly, I actually used to get people contact me, even though I was basically implying I would murder them if it didn't work out.

But my cousin has sent me some autobiographies that I would read...