Modern Toss

I've found a link on t'internet, where you can watch whole episodes of the quite brilliant Modern Toss. Quite simply, the funniest animation show I've seen in a long time, featuring a whole host of characters. My personal favourites are Monsieur Tourette, the master signwriter and Barney, although their short skits from Accident & Emergency are quite brilliant too.

Here are the links:

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5

The big 10k

Two rather fabulous landmarks have been reached. Firstly, the good ship White Spirit has just officially had it's ten thousandth visitor! Secondly, the blog is now one year old. Well, one year and a couple of days. I'd like to thank everyone that's been reading it for the past year, my agent and God. I hope you've all enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it.

Sticks & Stones...

My oldest nephew Benn has broken his collarbone, playing football. And damn, the bones appear to be facing the wrong direction. And for some reason, he wants me to put the picture on the blog, so here it is. Hope you get better soon, Benn!

Monsieur Tourette

From [Adult Swim]'s Modern Toss.

I can do woodwork, me!

Fr-fr-fresh from my art exploits of last week, I've been getting into a bit of woodwork too. I made this for my friend's 30th birthday. It's a clock, made out of driftwood and slate, all of which was collected from Wembury Beach. And I stuck 3 starfish on it, because it was her 30th. The starfish were already dead before I stuck them on.

May I introduce you all to Freddie...

My new camper van! Named after the character in The Italian Job, he's a big green camping machine. I sense a whole Summer of fun and freedom approaching. Anyone care to join me?

Joke about Budgies

Two budgies sitting on a perch. One says to the other: "Can you smell fish?"

The Stuff of Nightmares

Is this the most hideous image on the internet? I think only the same picture WITHOUT the black boxes could possibly be worse. I received this picture from an old friend who works in the marketing department of Benetton, and it's saying something if even they found it too extreme.

Oh alright, I made that last bit up. The truth is, I just found it in My Documents, and I have no idea why I did it. Unless it was when I was trying to invent the world's best contraceptive. And perhaps most disturbing of all, I simply named the file 'Gran'. 50 bonus points go to anyone that can come up with a valid reason as to why I did this, which will not involve years of therapy.

Art Attack!

Having done bugger all in the way of art for the last 20 years or so, I've just finished my second painting in a week. I'm getting quite into this painting business. I feel quite the creative. I've sent my novel to an agent (who still hasn't replied - bastard) and I'm now also an artist. I wonder which will come first, the Turner Prize or the Booker Prize...

Moonlit Sea

Game of Cluedo, anyone?

Poor Michael...

Barrymore has decided to never do panto again. When asked why, he said it's because he did Alladin about 6 years ago and has never heard the last of it.

I can do Art, me.

Decided to have a go at a bit of art tonight. First time I've ever properly painted a picture since I was about 12. And I was quite excited by it all, to be honest. Having written the book, this was the next thing to see if I was any good at - and although I don't think this is going to win the Turner Prize this year, I like it. I definitely think this is something I'll be having another go at again.

Tai Chi Sunset

Doing my bit

I've just joined the Samaritans. I started my training last night. It's something that I've wanted to do for years, but general terror has stopped me doing it. But I finally plucked up the courage to apply and after attending a couple of open days, my fear has subsided. I think it helps knowing that the training is first class - and having a good crowd to learn with. I think I was most scared I think that someone would phone up, I'd say the wrong thing and as a result, they'd do something rash - but the Samaritans don't give advice, or try and talk anyone out of anything, they just listen. In some ways that makes it easier, in some ways that makes it harder. But whatever happens, I suspect this is going to become an important part of my life.

If anyone else is interested in joining the Samaritans, drop me a line or visit their website here.

Lazy River

Beauty of Devon

On the way back from the airport, I couldn't help but be blown away once more at the beauty of this fine county I am fortunate to call home. Crete was pretty, but Devon has its own beauty in a much more English way. So I thought I'd put a few photos on the blog, just to show the rest of the world what you're missing.

View across Dartmoor

Sunset in Wembury, just outside Plymouth

Stream running through Dartmoor

Burrator Dam

The Barbican in Plymouth - 100 metres from my house

Bluebells in Plymstock Woods

I cannot for the life of me remember where this is!

Time well spent in the company of Cretans

Just back from a week on Crete with my friend, Carrie, hence the silence on the blog front. And yes, of the six days we were there, it rained for 4 of them. Which was a bit of an arse, all things being considered, especially as the weather was probably better back home. But nevertheless, we had a great time. Only once did we get cabin fever, laughing hysterically for over an hour over a couple of quick one-liners. But Bali - where we stayed - proved to have many hidden treasures, not least the charming and quirky people we met out there. I would heartily recommend it to anyone.

But now I am back and feeling mightily refreshed. Here is a picture of the indefatigable and irrepressible Carrie - great company, despite her occasional tendency to spontaneously lactate, as the photo shows.

Eurovision Lookeylikie

Spurred on by the Shit Sandwich's great lookeylikie of Marija Serifovic, the Serbian winner, behold my own attempt with Roland from Grange Hill. Which is best? You decide...

Eurofizzle Swizzle

As Snoop Dogg famously didn't say once. But yes, although this year's Eurovision Song contest (watched in the glorious company of the notorious B.I.G. Shit Sandwich) was not a vintage year, it still had its moments. Yes, Big Tel was a little subdued, but he didn't have much to go on. And the eventual winner was a total surprise. My money was on Bulgaria or Ukraine, but Serbia absolutely ran away with it. The only surprise with the UK entry was that anyone actually voted for it. The thing about choosing a song with double entendres is that you have to be an English speaker to get them.

But I can't help thinking that the voting was rigged to make sure that the bastard love child of Sue Pollard and Christopher Biggins didn't win. With Lordi winning it last year, if the Ukraine had won it, all future Eurovisions would have turned into a freak fest, seeing which country could out-weird the others. And the organisers still (incredibly) see it as a serious music competition, not the ubercamp car crash comedy that it really is. Best to let a heart-wrenching ballad win it, to make all the countries think twice about entering anything too weird next year.

The bastard love child of Christopher Biggins and Sue Pollard. With a bit of Nazi Teletubby thrown in. On acid.












Of course, I could be wrong... But there was an awful lot of block voting going on that simply didn't happen last year. I really thought that the televoting had done away with that. Although I'm not sure that all the countries were doing televoting this year - they certainly didn't mention it and they made a big deal about it last year. But as we've seen with all the recent telephone scandals, it wouldn't be hard. And I suspect that Lordi winning last year scared the living hell out of those in charge.

It just goes to show. Power to the people isn't always a good thing and I would hate to see Eurovision turn into a complete freak show. But I'd also hate to see 24 ballads with the compulsory modulation at the end. Perhaps last year's was simply a vintage year and this one was never going to compare. Next year we'll just have to wait and see. But let's hope that the UK actually comes up with a good song next year. It isn't political and it isn't just because of block voting. The songs from the UK have been poor for quite a few years now. Time that we put our undoubted musical talent to some good.

Topical Lookeylikey

Our soon to be ex-Prime Minister and the rather odd Richard James from Aphex Twin.

Too Much to Swallow

As if women needed an excuse, the beeb is reporting a link between oral sex and throat cancer.

Why the Long Face?

Portuguese police have released detail of the man they would like to question in connection with the kidnap of the little girl, Madeleine McCann. He shouldn't be too hard to find, I would think, if the identifit picture is accurate. If anyone has seen Humpty Hitler, they should immediately dial 999.

Off to the Good Shit Sandwich

The UK's 'entry' (insert own double entendre here).


Off to sunny Folkestone this weekend, to enjoy (abuse) the hospitality of Monsieur Merde Baguette. And it's Eurovision weekend! The UK entry is once again an embarrasment; they've tried to go for camp / funny and they're just trying waaaaaaaay too hard. We might get a few votes here and there, but we're not going to win it.

Last year's Eurovision was simply remarkable, possibly the best ever. I don't quite know how this year's Eurovision will compare. Will they try and outdo the quite insane Finnish entry, Lordi? Or will they revert back to being a (ahem) 'serious' music competition? We shall wait and see...

Although I do have to first convince Shit that it will be worth watching. I did try to convince him to have a Eurovision Party. To no avail. Am I alone in thinking that Eurovision is simply superb entertainment? Listening to Terry Wogan getting progressively more pissed... Pah! Heathens! The lot of you. My money's on Norway's Wig Wam (below)

Keeping up with the News...

is something I really don't do. The only news I really get is when I go into the shops and catch sight of the headlines on the front pages. Which makes my life happier, but does mean that sometimes I get a little confused. For example, up until this evening, I actually thought Madonna had been kidnapped in Portugal. Turns out it's a little girl called 'Maddie'.

But even I have heard that Tony Blair has given the date he will be resigning as PM. Only history will tell how he will be remembered. I can't help thinking that he has mainly had good intentions; it's just that sometimes the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But the country is (probably) in a better state than he found it. However, will this now be the era of the Iron Chancellor, Gordon Brown? I don't think so. I cannot see the electorate voting for him, he is remarkably unpopular outside of the Houses of Parliament; and I can't help but have a sneaky suspicion that the forthcoming leadership election is not the foregone conclusion that it's made out to be.

The Folkestone Earthquake Appeal

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Folkestone and Dover in the early hours of Saturday. Its epicentre was in Folkestone. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £2 million pounds of improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Folkestone. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps; Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers); Shell suits (female); White sport socks; Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

• 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
• £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
• £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

***Breaking news***

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "'Awkinge" said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"

A Joke about Babies...

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said,

"No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

A (crap) Joke about Football

David Beckham is returning to England to speak at Alan Ball's wake. Being a dead ball specialist he is seen as the perfect man for the job.

Best Advert I've Seen This Year

For those on email update, visit www.chezguevara.com to watch the video.

Lifestyle of the Rich and Shameless

...is hopefully what I will soon be living! I've decided to start trying to get my novel published. So today I sent off a letter to an agent (the same guy who represented Yartel Mann, the author of Life of Pi), asking if he'd like to represent me. I thought I'd start at the top, and you may be looking at (or reading the blog of, at least) the next Booker Prize winner.

If anyone would like to read the book, let me know. All feedback is welcome. As are any offers of nepotism regarding agents, publishers etc!

A joke about Fatherhood

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave to him and says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her so he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says,"No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Good T shirt

Jade Goody's had triplets...

Have you ever been this drunk?

Oh Bloody Fuck and Bugger.

And big dogs' cocks to boot. Yes, you've guessed it. Girl of my dreams has dumped me (again). Won't go into too much detail here, needless to say I'm feeling pretty down about it all. It had been a rather magical 2 months together, and it was all going so well. And yet I'm down, but not out... Normal service will soon be resumed, just as soon as I feel like being cheerful.

As luck would have it, though, my friend Anna is coming back from the Turks & Caicos this weekend, and she'll be here for the next week or so. I suspect there'll be a lot of unnecessary drunkenness. And next weekend, my old uni friend Susan is coming down to sunny Plymouth, so that will be fun too. Bugger and arse, though. Honestly, sometimes I simply despair.

With a Name like that, what else was he going to do?

The expert at the World Health Organisation, who is recommending circumcision as a means to combatting AIDS is called... Doctor de Cock.

A Joke about Catholic Girls

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl:

"Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Jill, What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"

Doctor Lookeylikie

One is Doctor Evil. The other is that bloke from the Austin Powers films. Badaboom!

Doctor Who?

I must have missed this when I was away, but I've just heard that everyone's favourite poomuncher Gillian McKeith has been forced to stop using Dr. So from now on, she is only Miss Gillian McKeith. This was after a complaint was made to the Advertising Standards Authority by a member of the public, who had challenged whether the poisoned dwarf was a qualified and accredited doctor and entitled to use the term.

I must say, I do hate the woman. I feel that she is a bully, earning a fortune from the misery of fat people. And I actually read her book. What a waste of money. It was poorly written, poorly researched and full of glaring inconsistencies. For someone so obsessed with poo, she is clearly full of shit.

Man Milk or Moo Milk?

Can you tell the difference in this quiz?

Alternatively, why not try the Hacker or Spacker test... Or perhaps the Gash vs Tash quiz... Or why not guess whether the ladies are having vaginal or anal sex in the Tunnel vs Funnel Challenge?

Party Like it's 1983...

I've discovered a quite brilliant website for downloading music, www.albumbase.com. And I've spent the afternoon downloading old electro albums. I'm currently listening to Electro & Hip Hop Classics from about 1983 in the office. You just can't help doing robot dancing and lame breakdance attempts. As you can see from this photo I just got one of my colleagues to take. You never lose it completely...

The 'Smells Like White Spirit' Fantasy Festival

So you're Doctor Who (or perhaps Bill and Ted. Well, Bill or Ted. You get the drift) and you can go anywhere in time to create your ultimate fantasy festival. Who would you go for? Bear in mind you can pick who you want, when you want, so Genesis for me would be circa 1973 with Peter Gabriel as singer, for example.

Who would you choose? This is the poster for my fantasy festival... Click below to take part and maybe I'll lend you my time machine so you can set up your own...


Come to my Fantasy Festival
or create your own

A Joke about Tescos

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tescos with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says:

"Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not" replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice."

Plymouth Chav in 'Can Write Own Name' Shocker

Some absolute twat has graffiti'd my house. They've written 'Dan' right by my front door. Well done, you can write your own name. Your mother must be so proud. On the plus side, I showed my housemate Charu and she exclaimed "Oh no... Who's done that?" I had no choice but to reply "Not sure, but I suspect it was probably Dan".

What do Bored Radiology Students do to Pass the Time?

Time to Tidy Up

Hairy Pussies

Was reading my mate Kyklops recently, and he was saying that he is getting an awful lot of traffic from Google, due to some rather unfortunate text in one of his blog posts. To cut a long story short, he posted a quite innocent story about a Japanese wrestler and somehow Google extrapolated the information from the story and now anyone that types in Gay Japan or similar, is linked to his page.

I would just like to say that I would never knowingly stoop to misrepresenting the good ship White Spirit in a shallow attempt at increasing traffic. Having said that, here are some pictures of some big, fat, hairy pussies that my sister sent me.

Amateur Transplants

Adam Kay and Suman Biswas are two junior doctors who practice medicine with varying degrees of success. But more importantly, they are the masterminds that form the Amateur Transplants, the people that brought you the London Underground song.

But they have written some quite brilliant parodies, including Northern Birds and the quite magnificent Snippets, which literally had me rolling around on the floor laughing. Of particular interest to anyone working in the NHS! You can find more of their tracks on their website here.

Are we there yet?

Subliminal Messaging for Smokers

This is a painted ceiling in an office smoking room...

Football Lookeylikie

One is so scrawny a strong wind can blow it over, and would have absolutely no chance of directing a football even if it ever got onto a pitch. The other is used for advertising things outside garages.

I like to Pump it...

I have finally joined a gym, after many years of procrastinating. I've managed to stop smoking; I'm eating reasonably healthily and I'm coming up to a year of vegetablism. It's the next logical step, isn't it?

Having said that, yesterday was my first trip to the gym and I wrestled with my conscience before I went, trying to think of all manner of excuses as to why I shouldn't go. But I decided to go anyway and felt fantastic afterwards. I really must try and remember that. Although I don't want to take it to extreme. I don't want to look like this again....

When it's time to confiscate your wife's gym card...

No Reason. It just makes me laugh.

"I'm Fucking You"

Mr Tumble, the sign-language presenter on CBeebies, has been accused of signing "I'm fucking you" instead of "I'm happy to see you" when he greets children on the channel. Startled viewers have complained to the BBC, which has denied the allegation.

Apparently in the Makaton sign language, the sign for 'fucking' and 'happy' are quite similar.

Welcome!

Welcome to the All New Smells Like White Spirit. If I've done my technical jiggery pokery right, then anyone that's asked for it should be getting this post straight into their inbox. If anyone has signed up for the email Spirit and hasn't received it, then email me. If anyone would like to sign up for the email White Spirit, then drop me a line!

Ambassador, You are Spoiling Us...

Former Israeli Ambassador Tzuriel Rafael, talking to journalists, explains what he had with him and where it was rammed.










Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after he was found drunk, gagged and naked apart from bondage gear with sex toys lying nearby in the yard of his official residence. Reports say he was able to identify himself to police only after a rubber ball had been removed from his mouth.

A foreign ministry official described Ambassador Tzuriel Refael's behaviour as an unprecedented embarrassment. San Salvador was Mr Refael's first post as ambassador. Haaretz website reports that police found Mr Refael in the Israeli embassy compound where he had been found bound, gagged and naked apart from sado-masochistic sex accessories. Israel confirmed they will be sending out a new ambassador to El Salvador.

The Best Reason to Vote for Anyone Ever.

The American Secret Service have launched an investigation into one of the candidates for the presidency in 2008 – after he pledged that as President, one of his first acts would be to impale President George W. Bush.

The candidate in question is Jonathon 'The Impaler' Sharkey, and he is running as the only satanic vampire candidate in the 2008 race. Sharkey's pledge to impale President Bush, he makes clear, will only come into effect if he is actually elected to office.

But that has still triggered action by the Secret Service, who say they have a duty to investigate any threats against the president. Sharkey, 42, says that agents from the service visited him at home with his 19-year-old wife, Spree, to investigate his impaling pledge.

Sharkey told The Columbia Chronicle about the visit: "They were telling me, when they were interrogating me, that their job was to protect Bush even after he's out of office. I'm looking at them like, Oh, you're going to defy me when I become president?"

Sharkey previously ran for President in 2004, and has run for Congress several time, occasionally as a Republican.

Darrin Blackford, a spokesman for the Secret Service, disagreed that the investigation was an over-reaction: "Unfortunately, in our line of work, we can't take that chance."

But a legal expert is unsure if a case could be made against The Impaler. "Under the First Amendment, what it boils down to here is whether or not he's a vampire who wants to impale the president," said law professor Neil Richards of Washington University in St. Louis.

"I guess the question is, if he's a vampire, why is he the one staking people? Shouldn't he want to bite the president and feed on him?" added Richards, describing these questions as "perhaps further evidence that this is not a true threat."

Sharkey, meanwhile, seems unconcerned about the investigation. If anything, he feels that the Secret Service may not be taking him seriously enough.

"They never even asked to see my impaling stick" he complained.

Old Skool Joke of the Year

Q. Why did the tiger get lost?
A. Because Jungle is Massive.

Childish Giggle of the Day

Shameless Sell-out of the Decade

"I wouldn't give my princess just anything and I won't give American ladies just anything either"

The insufferable Paul Burrell on his latest job: selling bottles of wine worth £6 in the United States.

Oops! I appear to be bonkers.

Not content with shaving her head and checking in and out of rehab, crazed Britney Spears tried to hang herself with a bedsheet before pleading with her estranged husband to give her another baby. In a week of rehab madness, the bonkers beauty wrote the number of the beast, 666, on her shaved head before running round the clinic screaming "I am the Antichrist!" at frightened staff.

New & Improved White Spirit, delivered to your Inbox!

Oh yes, gentle reader, I have installed a very clever and technical thing on the website, which will email 'Smells Like White Spirit' straight to your inbox. No more will you have to check each day to see whether I've actually been bothered to write anything that day...

I will be sending out email invitations to those of you whose email addresses I already have; for those of you whose contact details I don't currently have, if you would like to receive each new serving of White Spirit in your inbox, just email me at whitespirit@chezguevara.com and I'll put you on the list.

Domain Names that weren't really thought out...

'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com.

Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com

If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com

A Joke about Blondes

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter: "Hey, Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters:

"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Beating Around the Bush Part 2

Donald Rumsfeld looks at George Bush gravely and announces:

"3 Brazilian soldiers have died in Iraq"

George looks shocked and exclaims:

"My GOD! How many million IS that exactly?"

Beating Around the Bush

A Chinese businessman has advertised on the internet for a stand-in mistress to be beaten up by his wife to vent her anger and to protect his real mistress. According to the Beijing Youth Daily, and when the woman found out her husband had a mistress, she insisted on beating her up. The businessman has posted an advertisement on a popular online jobs forum on sina.com. Apparently, more than 10 people have applied for the job. The 'successful' candidate needs to be 35 and originally from northeastern China and will be paid 3,000 yuan ($573) per 10 minutes.

The Curse of Coleman...

"We've really got to knock this sort of thing on the head" - BBC Radio Five Live commentator after the Sevilla coach was struck by a missile.

Feeling a bit of an Ass

The Happy Couple










A man who was found dressed in latex and handcuffs brought a donkey to his room in a Galway city centre hotel, because he was advised "to get out and meet people," the local court heard last week.

Thomas Aloysius McCarney was charged with cruelty to animals, lewd and obscene behaviour, and with being a danger to himself when he appeared before the court on Friday. He was also charged with damage to a mini-bar in the room, but this charge was later dropped when the defendant said that it was the donkey who caused that damage.

The Solicitor for the accused, Ms Sharon Fitzhenry, said that her client had been through a difficult time lately and that his wife had left him and that his life had become increasingly lonely.

"Mr McCarney has been attending counselling at which he was told that he would be advised to get out and meet people and do interesting things. It was this advice that saw him book into the city centre hotel with a donkey," she said. She added that Mr McCarney also suffered from a fixation with the Shrek movies and could constantly be heard at work talking to himself saying things like, "Isn't that right, Donkey?"

Goodbye to the Normals