Tuesday, October 30, 2007

On the Roeder Nowhere









New Carrot Rud manager Glenn Roeder and stroke-victim winker-weirdo Anne Robinson. I must say, I've never seen them in the same room at the same time.

Rather intrigued at Naaaaarwich's new manager. He had one good season at West Ham, but has been pretty crap everywhere else he's been. At Newcastle, he spent a lot of money and although he did have injury problems, he simply wasn't good enough. And Naaaaarwich have also spent big this year, but sit proudly at the bottom of the league.

And on Sunday afternoon it's the East Anglian derby at Carrot Rud. What better game could he start with? The mighty Ipswich are currently 4th in the league and playing well. Well, they're playing well at home, at least. I still think we've got enough to beat the budgies at Carrot Rud, but I do expect Roeder to lead them out of trouble. It would be a shame if our inbred cousins were to be relegated (snigger snigger).

Especially for Shit

Hallowe'en Table tennis with Creepy Pong. Ridiculously addictive and very good fun!

Games at Miniclip.com - Creepy PongCreepy Pong

See how many Halloween ghouls you can beat at table tennis!

Play this free game now!!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Royal Rumble

All sorts of fun and games going on with the Royals at the moment... It is alleged that one of them has been a naughty boy. Apparently they were being blackmailed in a sex and drugs sting. Now, the thing is I don't really give a toss about the Royals, but it is actually quite fun trying to guess who it might be.

According to 'sources', it's not a very high up Royal, sadly. And unless it's a rather clever double-bluff, it's probably true. As much as I'd like to think it might be Charles getting sucked off by one of his aides. But my sources suggest that we should be looking towards Kensington Palace for this one...

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Viz Top Tips

TOURETTES sufferers with an interest in Victoriana. Simply replace shouting 'fuck', 'cunt' and 'wanker' with 'poppycock', 'fiddlesticks' and 'balderdash' to recreate an authentic Victorian experience.

TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit hapilly on your hand for hours.

DAILY MAIL EDITORS. Underline important words in your headlines just to make sure that your readers are clear about what it is you want them to think.

HOMEOWNERS. When selling your house, replace your furniture with children's tables and chairs, and use a dwarf estate agent. Instantly, your house will seem more roomy than it actually is.

OIL COMPANIES. Avoid having the general public pointing the global warming finger at you by putting some pictures of trees and flowers on your websites and adverts.

SMOKERS. Enjoy seemingly longer holidays by stopping smoking on your first day off, making every day thereafter appear to be 72 hours long.

DOG OWNERS. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.

JEREMY BEADLE When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

MUMS. Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I can't Believe It's Not Butter. They won't know what to believe.

Find more at www.viz.co.uk

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Supporting the Samaritans

I went to the Annual General Meeting of the Plymouth Samaritans last night. It's when all the volunteers get together to discuss what has happened in the previous year. High on the agenda was funding. I assumed that an organisation like the Samaritans would get government funding, but only 2% of our overall funding comes from the goverment - that works out at only £200,000 a year. Incredibly, the Donkey Sanctuary gets more funding each year - £17m - than the Samaritans, which nationwide only brings in £10m.

However, that only tells half the story. The individual branches don't actually get any support at all and the Plymouth branch is totally self-funded. I was shocked to find out that last year, the Plymouth branch of the Samaritans brought in less than £20,000. Bearing in mind their outgoings are substantially more than that, they are trading at a loss, even though no one in the branch is paid a penny for the great work they do.

The branch relies heavily on donations, tin shakes and the like, but needs to raise at least 25% more each year to cover its outgoings. Obviously, if any readers of White Spirit would like to make a donation, please email me at whitespirit@chezguevara.com and I'll let you know how to do so.

But, I've got a scheme. Some of you may know that in my day job, I'm a mortgage adviser. I also offer all sorts of insurance, such as buildings & contents insurance as well as accident, sickness & unemployment cover. I've decided that I will donate any commission I receive for any buildings & contents or ASU policies I write to the Samaritans.

So if you'd like to help a truly worth cause whilst at the same time helping yourself, then drop me a line. As an independent broker, I offer the cheapest insurance you can possibly get. You can have just buildings insurance, but if you go for both buildings and contents, the contents insurance is half price. I can also do buildings insurance on a buy to let. Or if you want to protect your mortgage against losing your job or not being able to work due to an illness, then I can help with that too. And every penny will go to supporting the Samaritans.

Drop me a line at whitespirit@chezguevara.com or call me in the office on 01752 201 221. Make sure you state that you want the Samaritans deal. I'm not after your charity or your donations; it's a win-win situation. You get the best and cheapest insurance, which you need anyway; the Samaritans get the support they so richly deserve; and best of all, it's all paid for by the insurance companies. Get in touch; you know it makes sense.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Who helps the helpless?

As many of you will know, I'm now a fully fledged Samaritan. Everyone knows the Samaritans, but there's a lot of misinformation about what it is we actually do. Some think the Sams are a religious organisation. Others consider us to be the suicide line, the last place to call when no one else will listen.

And we do get suicidal callers, who are at the end of their tether. But we also get all manner of people who have no one else to talk to. The Sams are not religious, volunteers do not impose their own religious, political, philosophical beliefs on people who get in touch. They have no agenda or allegiance to any particular movement. The Samaritans offer confidential, non-judgemental support to anyone and everyone, whether they are suicidal or not.

It has been one of the best things I've ever done. Obviously I cannot go into any detail about actual callers, but I've already helped some truly desperate people deal with some truly desperate situations. It's a remarkable feeling when you make such a difference to a total stranger's life. I would thoroughly recommend becoming a Samaritan to anyone.

If you want to make a difference and give more back to the world than just a donation each month, then go to the Samaritans website. It will be hard at times, but the training is first class. And I guarantee that if you do it, it will be easily the most rewarding thing you've ever done.

Hiddink for Euro Exit

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. England lost their crunch match against Russia and qualification for Euro 2008 now looks decidedly dodgy. And what a shame. In the last five or six games, England had started to actually play quite well. But they are paying the price for some truly shocking results last year, most notably against Macedonia and we are now facing the real possibility that England will not be at Euro 2008.

I watched the match and I thought we were unlucky to lose. Dodgy penalty and yet again, dodgy keeping from Paul Robinson was England's undoing. I can't see Robinson keeping his place after once again showing he is not up to the job. There are plenty of good keepers below him - most notably Robert Green and Scott Carson, not to mention David James and even Chris Kirkland. I've never really rated Robinson - I always thought he was more lucky than talented - and now that his luck seems to have deserted him, his shortcomings are there for all to see.

It's not all over yet, though. Russia still have to beat Israel away, which is not a foregone conclusion. However, qualification is no longer in our hands as England have underperformed yet again.

The bigger question is, will McClaren keep his job? He looked like he was starting to get the hang of it, but if we don't qualify, I can't see him staying. Three months ago, there is no way he would even have had a chance of staying. But recent results and performances have been encouraging, exiting even. The FA will have some difficult decisions to make if we don't qualify.

I have to say, I think I probably do want him to go, despite the fact that he now seems to have found his way. Harsh? Probably. But I think that England need a truly world class manager to get the best out of what is clearly a talented bunch of players. And McClaren may be many things, but a world-class manager he is not.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Those Rugger Buggers...

Left in a bit of a quandary with England's recent rugby success. Well, not so much of a quandary, really. I mean, I'm not going to be cheering on South Africa, just as I wasn't cheering on France or the Aussies. However, am I the only one who finds England's style of rugby deadly dull?

There's no flair, no moments of brilliance. Just kick it up the pitch, then bung it to Johnny Wilkinson and kick it over the sticks. Booooring. In many ways, the drop goal has ruined rugby. But what is it about the English? The last few football World Cups were the same - get a goal, then the fabled 10-0-0 formation. Yes, it's all English grit and bulldog spirit. But it's so fucking dull.

England used to be exciting, at both rugby and football. To be fair, the football is getting better, although only recently. But I don't want to watch our teams grind out results against more exciting teams. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I'll still be cheering them on against South Africa; but I hope against hope that they play some decent rugby, just as I hope that the football team will play well against Russia, whatever the resuls.

A Joke about Hairdressers

My mum got a job as the Queen's hairdresser. She parked outside Buckingham Palace and a policeman said to her "Have you got a permit?"

"No," she replied "I've just got to take a bit off the back."

A Joke about Marriage

Two old men are sitting on a park bench chatting. One asks the other "How's your wife?"

The second old chap replies "I think she might be dead."

The first man asks "What do you mean, you THINK she's dead?"

"Well," the second elderly gentleman explains, "our sex life is much the same as it always was, but the dishes are starting to pile up."

Mercifully no more Ming

I don't belieeeve it!















Finally Sir Menzies Campbell has decided to do the decent thing and has resigned as leader of the Lib Dems. I know that they're never going to get into power, due to the voting system that we have in the UK. But even so, I feel that I share more in common with the Lib Dems than anyone else. I will never vote for Gordon Brown and I sure as hell cannot bring myself to vote Tory, no matter how fluffy and green they are trying to pretend to be.

And that does seem to be a lot of the Lib Dems' strength. Since New Labour's switch from Left to middle, the Lib Dems now occupy the left of the political map. (And just how long can New Labour be considered New, by the way?) But a lot of their votes have come from people that are frankly disillusioned with the other two.

I was prepared to vote for Charles Kennedy (safe in the knowledge he'd never become Prime Minister, obviously) even though he was an alcoholic. But I could never bring myself to vote for Campbell. Why? Irrational, but he's just so damn old, dull and posh. I was gobsmacked to find out that he is only 66. He looks about 80. But more than that, what sort of name is Menzies? Even if it was pronounced 'Menzies', it's a crap name for a politician. But Ming?

Now I know that you shouldn't base your political opinions on a name, and I'm sure that Campbell had some great policies. But in order to sell an idea, you have to sell yourself. No one will buy from someone they don't like. And no one will vote for someone they perceive to be so far removed from what they know.

We live in an era where presentation is as important as substance, perhaps even more so, if David Cameron's success is anything to go by. And sadly, Sir Menzies Campbell just didn't cut the mustard. He was the poorest choice of Party Leader since William Hague, for exactly the same reasons. I'm sure that Campbell still has a strong part to play for the Lib Dems, but they need someone more consumer-friendly upfront.

Who do I want? I think Nick Clegg would get my vote, although he may be perceived as a Cameron clone, because of his looks. We shall see. But whoever they get, he's bound to do better than Campbell.

Friday, October 12, 2007

A Joke about Art

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Streetfighter

Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Real Che Guevara

20th Century Icon










This week marks the 40th anniversary of the death of Che Guevara at the hands of a CIA execution squad in Bolivia. He's always been a bit of a hero of mine, hence my nom de plume. In many ways, he is the face of the 60's - the iconic picture of the beret-wearing Che is possibly the most reproduced picture of all time.

As a figure in history, he's always been controversial. On the one-hand, he was a hero to the flower power generation of the 60's; and yet he was a man that believed firmly in armed struggle; indeed, he literally wrote the book on guerilla warfare.

Some have argued that there is little difference between Che in the 60's and Osama Bin Laden today. I think that's a little far-fetched. Both were indeed violently opposed to American Imperialism; however, Che was - and still is - the undisputed global icon of all wars fought by rebellious peoples who believe in hope against injustice and who believe another, less cruel world is possible.

It's true that a large part of the cult of Che is his good looks, and he is certainly a member of the 'died young and cool' club, along with Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, James Dean and others. I often see people wearing Che T-shirts, and I think that is largely because he does look cool. I suspect that Che is probably turning in his grave at the way his image has been mass marketed.

Why is he a hero for me? I don't share his politics. I don't condone violent struggle and I'm not a Marxist. My respect for Che Guevara comes from the passion he had for his ideals. He was from a rich, land-owning family who had been educated at one of the top universities in Argentina. He graduated as a doctor and could easily have lived a comfortable life in Buenos Aires, at a time when there was a strong rich / poor divide. But he decided to give it all up, choosing instead to fight against the Americans in order to try to free Southern America from the hold that the US held against them.

It is a little known fact that Guevara was actually asthmatic – living in the humidity of a jungle would have been incredibly difficult for him personally. And even after the Cuban Revolution, when Che had been made Economics Minister and could then have gone on to live a very comfortable life in a position of real power and authority – even then, he didn’t let it go to his head. He refused to abuse his position for his own gain, in a country where corruption was rife.

But two things impressed me most of all about his hero – first was the refusal to suck up to the Soviet Union, despite the imminent threat of invasion from the Americans; the second was his decision to give up his post of Economics Minister in Cuba to go back to the jungle of Bolivia to try to overthrow the American-supported government there – a decision that would ultimately lead to his death.

That’s really being passionate about your ideals – the willingness to die for them. I know deep down that I wouldn’t die for an ideal – my self-preservation instinct (and general apathy) are both far too strong for that; but Che Guevara inspires me nonetheless to stick to my own ideals and moral code, even though they are nowhere near as grand as the real Che Guevara’s were.

Che Guevara was simply prepared to die for his ideals. His ideals were flawed in my opinion, but he died trying to make the world a better place. And in this politically and socially apathetic I'm alright Jack world, that is why he will always be respected and remembered long after his death.

Tall Tales

Made a bit of a faux-pas recently whilst out shopping with my girlfriend. She was looking for a long t-shirt, so we'd gone into a shop called Long Tall Sally in Exeter, which is aimed at the taller lady. We were chatting about clothes sizes for girls - my girlfiend is 5 foot 10 - and she was saying that Top Shop also run a range for taller girls, but they're not very well fitting. Without thinking, I suggested rather loudly "well, they probably only sell to trannies".

With that, the whole shop suddenly went really quiet. I had one of those "did I really say that outloud?" moments and my girlfriend was mortified. Fortunately, it was only a group of shorter girls that heard me, who dissolved in a fit of hysterics. The shop assistants (who were all very tall) were not very impressed, though. Needless to say, I quickly made my excuses and left.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Who wants to be a millionaire?

I've found an online calculator that shows you just how much you have to save each month to be a millionaire. For example, if I want to be a millionaire by the time I'm 65, I'll have to save £1,100 a month.

Easy. And if I can save £3,400 a month, I'll be a millionaire by the time I'm 50. Ahem. Looks like I'm going to need more bitches to pimp.

Criminal Masterminds Award 2007

In third place are the three men who decided to streak through a restaurant in Washington. In order to make a quick getaway after their nude sprint, they left their car running outside. Unfortunately for them, during the time they were in the restaurant, their car – with all their clothes inside it – was stolen. They chased after it (in temperatures below –5°C), but were unable to catch up, and were forced to huddle, naked, behind another car until the police arrived.

In second place, if I was going to carry out an armed robbery, I think the last place I'd try to hold up would be a karate academy. But that's exactly what one rather hapless thief tried recently in Colombia. The would-be criminal mastermind discovered the flaw in his plans when the students at the academy didn't take kindly to being robbed. The robber is now recovering in a hospital, after the martial artists used their combat skills on him and took away his gun.

Although perhaps a karate academy isn't the worst place in the world to rob, which brings us onto first place where a man attempted to rob a gun shop near Seattle. Ignoring the marked police car that was parked outside, he went in, pulled his gun, and told everybody to freeze or he'd kill them. Among the numerous people in the shop who pulled their own guns in return, both the shop clerks and an on-duty police officer returned fire. Our criminal mastermind died from four gun shot wounds.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Diavolical

In my pre-season preview of Serie A, I said that Meeelan would struggle to win Serie A this year, because of their lack of a truly world-class striker to play alongside Ronaldo. And with the buck-toothed Brazilian currently injured, the Rossoneri are really struggling in Serie A.

I watched Meeelan scrape a lucky home draw against Catania (who are likely candidates for relegation this year), and only a very dodgy penalty gave them even that. Meeelan have now won only once in the league this season and are currently languishing in mid-table.

They seem to have two main problems. Firstly in defence, they are looking rather shaky. But their main problem is simply they cannot score. Gilardino looks a shadow of his former self; he clearly does not have the mental strength to be a Milan player. And Inzaghi is way past his best - I think he's better suited to a sub role. I think Milan should have pushed the boat out to get Sheva back in the Summer. They are really missing a true goal-scorer, particularly when you remember how injury-prone Ronaldo can be.

When you look at Inter, they've got Crespo, Ibrahimovich, with David Suazo, Adriano and Julio Cruz on the bench. Milan have an injury-prone Ronaldo, the ageing Pippo 'I was born in an offside position' Inzaghi and the hapless Alberto 'Couldn't score in a brothel with a 100 Euro note tied to my nob' Gilardino. And no one else.

As a part-time Milanista, I do hope that Berlusconi gets his chequebook out in January; or this could be one of the worst seasons for Milan in recent memory.

Tripod Tribulations

Had some problems last week with a three-legged cat. I came home one night to find the cat asleep on my sofa. I was baffled as to how he had got in and as soon as I saw him, he immediately hid under my sofa. I managed to coax him out with tuna and put him outside.

The next day, I came home from work only to find the cat looking out at me from my windowsill. I had no idea how he'd managed to get back in. I suspect he'd used the fabled 'catspace', a gap between the fabric of reality that allows cats to get into places they're not allowed to or to suddenly disappear without trace from right under your eyes.

Once again I coaxed him out with tuna and put him outside. He then leapt straight through my bathroom window and hid again under my sofa. I tried once again to lure him out with tuna, but he'd obviously wisened up to the fact that this would mean I'd throw him out, and remained securely hidden under the sofa.

I decided I needed to change tact and tried to get him from under the sofa with a broom. He did come out, but only to hide under my armchair. Further broom persuasion only succeeding in making him hide under my woodburner. I tried squirting him with water, but he simply refused to budge.

After a fruitless hour of trying to get him out, I ended up having to put on a leather coat and gloves and grab him by the scruff of his neck to get him out. (It was at this point incidentally, that I realised he only had three legs).

The next day I found him still in my back courtyard and realised he was unable to get out - he'd fallen off the wall and couldn't make the jump. Fortunately my neighbour knew who's cat it was and I was able to alert the owners that their cat was stuck in my garden. He came round and the cat leapt onto his shoulders. He left my house like some kind of cheap pirate.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Axe-wielding Maniac

This will be me soon!
















I've signed up for a guitar course. It's been many years since I committed any acts of aural atrocity. Oh, how my parents loved my impromptu violin concerts at home, listening to me belt out such classics as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and London's Burning. It really did sound like nails down a blackboard. Tuneful nails, mind. But still nails.

But I always wished I'd chosen the guitar instead, so I've finally taken the plunge, bought myself a half-decent guitar and I'm ready to go. Obviously I've some way to go before I find myself at Shit's level, but then we all have to aspire to something.

* 10 Spirit points go to whichever reader can tell me who the mystery guitarist is. And no, it isn't that bloke from The Darkness.

A stolen joke

A man is in bed with his wife when there's a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at the clock. "It's half three in the morning", he grumbles. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time".

Then a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?", his wife says.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and a stranger is standing there. It didn't take take long for the man to figure out the stranger was drunk.

"Hi", says the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No", says the man, "Get lost it's half three in the morning. He slams the door and goes back upstairs and tells his wife.

"Dave that wasn't very nice", his wife says. "Remember that night when we broke down in the pouring rain to pick up the kids from the babysitter? "You had to knock on this man's door to get us started again. What would have happened if he told us to get lost?

"But this man was drunk", said the husband.

"It doesn't matter", the wife said, "It's a christian thing to help him".

So the husband gets up and dressed and goes downstairs again. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere shouts: "Hey do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out "Yes please".

So still unable to see the man he calls, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "Over here on your swing set".

(Stolen from Hayley's Perfect.)

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Good Luck

to Little Zoe, who starts her degree at Brighton University this weekend. Ah yes, the joys of uni. Best years of my life etc. I won't go into a nostalgic rambling about the japes and scrapes of my time at uni, but I hope you will all join me in wishing her all the best. Oh, and don't get too carried away by the cheap union cider and end up shagging someone during Freshers' Week. You will regret it.

Little Zoe is off to Uni!

Suffolk n' Good

Watched my team, the mighty Ipswich Town beat a very good Coventry team 4-1 last night and what a great match! It's always good to see your team win, particularly when they play as well as that. Pablo, who has always been a favourite of mine, scored two, big Jason de Vos scored the opener and the quite excellent Jon Walters got the other. It appears that Portman Road is becoming something of a fortress for us. If we can just replicate that form away from home, perhaps the play-offs or even promotion might not be quite the pipe dream I thought it would be.

On a separate note, I found out recently that there were a couple of signings that Ipswich Town turned down in the 80's that could have dramatically changed our fortunes. It would appear that Town gave trials to not only Paul Gascoigne, but also Ruud Gullit before they made it. However, in both cases it was decided that they players should not be taken on. Gazza was deemed 'too fat' (no change there, then) and with Gullit, they had reservations about his discipline.

Gazza I can take, but Gullit? Shit.

Hopi-ng Mad

Got my parents staying with me this weekend, working on our house. Sadly it's pissing down with rain in Devon, so we're stuck indoors with nothing to do. So my dad decided to let my mum stick a burning hopi candle in his ear. I had a go as well, and I'm pretty sure I can hear better than I could before. All in all, though, a rather surreal way to spend a Saturday night.

Friday, September 21, 2007

"I've got breasts and I'm not afraid to use them!"

A would-be shoplifter squirted her breast milk at a store detective when he tried to stop her stealing goods. The woman exposed her breasts and fired away after being confronted at a Co-op store.

The attack in Leicester is thought to be the latest in a trend in which thieves try to get their DNA on security officers so they can accuse them of sexual attacks if caught.

Mourinho Lookeylikey

U Go, Boss


















So the Special One has gone. I did quite like Mourinho, I've always thought he was pretty cool in a pouting, moody type of way. But under him, Chelsea have been deadly dull to watch - certainly not the champagne football that was expected for all the money that was spent. Last season in particular, they were outplayed and outclassed by United. And if I'd spent half a billion pounds on players, I'd certainly want to see my team play better than that.

But I am surprised that they've gone for Avram Grant. I would have thought they'd push the boat out for a top-class manager - somebody that can introduce a bit of flair. There are a few managers that would turn it down - Ancelotti, Wenger and Fergie to name a couple. But I think most managers would jump at the chance to manage Chelsea.

I know that Capello is available, as is Didier Deschamps. Maybe the Sevilla coach, Juande Ramos. But whoever takes charge at Chelsea - and I doubt very much that Grant will stay in the position permenantly - it will need to be someone with the stature to take Chelsea to the next level.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Uzi Naughty Boy?

The venerable Shit Sandwich recently posted about a cricket bat called the Newbury Uzi. And in light of that, it sounds like the Pakistan cricket team have resorted to similarly extreme means to stop Australia, if ABC.net.au is to be believed.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Tetris Grand Master

I used to love playing Tetris on my ZX Spectrum. It was the first game I was ever addicted to. But I've never seen anything like this, the Tetris Grand Master. This guy must have Jedi-like reactions. Well worth watching until the end, when it turns into invisible Tetris.



For those on the email update, click here to watch the video.

Well done, Steve McClaren

A week ago, I really doubted that England would get the results they needed in the Euro qualifiers. But six points, six goals and most importantly of all, we dominated both games. Israel were made to look very ordinary, but a very good Russian team were taught a lesson in football.

And I have to say, a lot of the credit has to go to Steve McClaren for making some inspired decisions in his team selection. Arguably those decisions were forced onto him with injuries and suspensions, but I would never have chosen Heskey upfront - I'd have probably given Darren Bent a go. And I would never have dreamt of putting Gareth Barry in central midfield. But he was arguably England's best player over the two games.

And he stuck with Paul Robinson, when I would probably have dropped him and Robinson had two very solid games.

This was probably the best performance from an England team since the 5-1 thrashing of the Germans in Munich. The two Coles on the left linked up well. Micah Richards and Subbuteo Shawn played well too, although SWP does need to learn how to cross the ball. Heskey won everything in the air and Owen looked white hot again. Those that wrote him off - your author included - are eating their words. Barry & Gerrard bossed the midfield and JT and Rio looked pretty solid at the back.

It will be interesting what will happen once the injured and suspended get back. Surely Heskey won't keep Rooney out of the team, but they'll miss Heskey's aerial threat, not least because both Rooney and Owen are shortarses. England do play best with 4-4-2 and the big man / little man combo. But when they've played with Crouchigol, they've often taken the easy route and hit it up too long, too quickly.

There's no way that invisible Frank Lampard should take Barry out of the team, nor should Hargreaves. I think that perhaps Beckham may replace Subbuteo Shawn, depending on Beckham's form.

But it would be a brave manager that changes this team. I bet McClaren wishes that the Estonia game was next week.

I have to say, Steve McClaren has taken an absolute beating from the Press and fans alike, me included. Maybe he has finally stepped out of the shadow of the Sven era and will now be able to prove his worth as a manager in his own right. I really hope so. A lot will depend on his team selection when all his regular players are available. Let us hope that this is the start of a new era in English football and not just a happy blip.

And on a final note: the Jocks beat the French in Paris! All in all, a top night.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

"You're going to pay me for this?"








I like my job. I don't love it, but I can think of worse ways to earn a living. However, there are some people that have jobs so good, you can't help but feel green with envy. I'd quite like to be a professional footballer, for example. But I think even they would be quite envious at this job.

Boffins at Portsmouth University have spent two years researching the effect of running on women's breasts. 70 women took part in the survey, with breast sizes varying from small to JJ. If you're wondering how big that is, Jordan is a size F, which is six sizes smaller.

Fundamentally, they've put these women on a treadmill and watched their breasts jiggle about without a bra. I knew I should have chosen a science degree. If any readers can think of a better job, I'd sure like to know.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Fantasy Football update

My team is underperforming terribly and I am currently languishing third from bottom. I am below my gran and even Little Zoe in the rankings. The only consolation is that the good Shit Sandwich is currently bottom.

McClown delivers...

Watched the match on Saturday and was quite pleased. I know that it was only against Israel and they didn't put up much of a fight, but the team played well for the first time in a long time and the three points was very welcome. As much as I dislike McClown and would like to see him out of a job, I don't want England to miss Euro 2008. Watching a tournament without your team is just not the same.

I can't help but think that the injuries and suspensions actually helped the team. If Lampard had been fit, we would almost definitely have seen the unworkable Lampard / Gerrard combo in midfield yet again, with Rio and JT banging countless long balls up to Peter Crouch.

It was a brave decision to pick Emile Heskey, but perhaps the biggest surprise for me was the selection of Gareth Barry in central midfield. I would probably have gone with Michael Carrick, but to be fair, Gareth Barry played a blinder.

It was good to see little Mickey Owen get a goal, although he still looks half the player he was. But he is getting better, the more he plays. And it's good to see Subbuteo's Shaun Wright-Phillips finally start to replicate his Man City form for his country.

The Russians will prove a much harder task, not least because it's away. I hope we win, but it's going to be a lot tougher. And it leaves McClown with some difficult decisions, particularly if Lampard is fit again and as Crouchigol is no longer suspended. Does he stick with the team that did so well? Or does he go with his first choice team?

Either way, he's on a hiding to nothing unless we win and anything less than three points would be a disaster.

There's only one Chez Guevara!














Apparently I'm not the only one after all. There's a game called Chez Guevara. You can even buy a t-shirt, which I rather like and may well buy.
















There's also a restaurant in the US called Chez Guevara. Just goes to show that the old addage of 'You are unique. Just like everyone else' rings just as true in the blogosphere.

If I was them, I'd be well pissed that I have the web domain www.chezguevara.com. Well, you can't have it! Unless you send me a large bag of cash, that is. I knew I should have copyrighted the name. Damn my inherent laziness.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

A proud day for White Spirit

I always strive to spread the word. And I'm always proud when my good work gets recognised. So I'm sure you can imagine my delight in being number one on Google. A proud day indeed. And not just if you search under 'Smells Like White Spirit'. Oh no... We are number one if you type in 'Chuck your muck over your sister's jubblies'. A proud day indeed.

And we're number 4 on MSN if you type in 'Excited by doctor examining my breasts'. Still some way to go there, but I'm sure with a concerted effort, I can make the number one spot.

Folly in Mount Edgcumbe

Spent a lovely day on Saturday, discovering the beauty of Mount Edgcumbe. For those that don't know, it's a manor house over the river from Plymouth. It was first built in the 1500s and you have to get the foot ferry over the river to get to it. A truly great day out. Plymouth is not the most beautiful city in the world, but it does look spectacular from Edgcumbe, as these photos show.

View over Plymouth

View over Plymouth

The folly

View from the Folly

Scared of my bandana

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Venison

A man came into the office today and offered me eight legs of venison for a tenner. I told him to piss off because it was too dear.

(This joke only really works if you say it outloud)

A Joke about Nurses

A trainee nurse starts her new job at the hospital and is being shown around the wards by the matron. In one ward she is horrified to see a man masturbating furiously on his bed.

"That's wrong." says the trainee "why don't you stop him?"

"Oh no, that's Mr Jones. He's got a rather embarrassing problem. His testicles produce too much semen and he has to do that or they'll burst."

Still feeling uncomfortable, she begrudgingly agrees with the matron and moves on. In the next ward, she sees a nurse giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh come on, that's really wrong!" says the trainee.

"No, that's Mr Smith." says the matron. He's got the same problem as Mr Jones, but he's with BUPA."

Monday, September 03, 2007

Wife's Night Out

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports and play on the internet all night...

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover...

You wake up the next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night...

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece...

You circle the car looking for dents and find none...

But...

Wait a minute...

Sunday, September 02, 2007

It's Behind You!

A family on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving. The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience. His son wanted a pic of his mum and dad in all their gear so got the underwater camera on the go.

When it came to taking the pic the dad realised that the son looked like he was panicking as he took it and gave the "OK" hand sign to see if he was alright. The son took the pic and swam to the surface and back to the boat as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was OK. When they got back to him he was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely shitting himself.

When the parents asked why he said "there was a shark behind you" and the dad thought he was joking but the skipper of the boat said it was true and that they wouldn't believe him if he told them what it was. As soon as they got back to the hotel they put the pic onto the laptop and this is what they saw.

Trip down Memory Lane

And when I got back from Kynance Cove, I drove up to Sheringham to spend a few days with my family on holiday. When I was a kid, this was where we always went on holiday. It was great to see the old places, although it was a lot smaller than I remember. Particularly Beeston Bump, which was like a mountain when I was small. Now it's not so much a mountain as a molehill. It has been partly eroded by the sea, but it's mainly wagon wheel syndrome - things seem much bigger when you're young.

My dad's family were all from here and it's one of the few places where I feel like I have some real roots. We saw where my Gran used to live and the gates that my great granddad made. It really felt good to be back where there are so many memories. I've moved around so much, I sometimes feel a bit like a nomad. Going to Sheringham was pretty grounding.

And I had a great time with my nephews, sister and her husband and my mum. We went crabbing on the beach and found the weirdest crab I've ever seen. Bit like a cross between a crab and a spider. All in all, it was a great holiday as the pics show!

The boys

Sheringham Beach

Me

Me & my sister

My nephew

The weird crab / spider

Back, back and bigger than ever!

Sorry haven't posted for a while - I've been away! Spent the Bank Holiday weekend in Cornwall at Kynance Cove, which is down by the Lizard. And what a beautiful place! It was another Freddie adventure and we stayed at a campsite this time - didn't fancy getting moved on at 1 in the morning. Cornwall really is the most beautiful place. Two days at Kynance Cove, then onto St Ives for the day. Here are some pictures.




Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Monkey with a Death Wish

I've never seen a video like this before.



For those on the email list, click here to watch the video. It's well worth it.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Cold? I'm bloody Fresian...

Saw this remarkable cow on the way back from Cornwall yesterday. Nothing else to say, really, except that it had a large white heart on its side. I wish That's Life was still going. I'd probably have won a tenner or maybe a carrot in the shape of Gordon Brown being turkeyslapped.

It's a Freddie Adventure

Took Freddie off this weekend to North Cornwall for his first adventure. Despite the fact it pissed down with rain for pretty much the entire weekend, it really was rather fun. Started off on the Atlantic Highway, which is perhaps the most 'rock' name for a road in Cornwall. Even more so, as it does actually take you to Rock, the rather rah-rah posh sailing town frequented by the rich and shameless. Interesting fact: There are two villages in Cornwall called Splatt.

We camped at a layby overlooking Widemouth Bay, where we were rudely awakened at 1 in the morning by a rather damp-looking man from the council telling us we weren't allowed to stay overnight. I did manage to convince him to let us stay, after I was able to prove to him that I was actually local.

In the morning we drove down to Polzeath and spent the afternoon in the Rumps. Why are they called the Rumps? Perhaps this picture may help.

Fireworks!










Went to the annual British Firework Champtionships last week, which happens every year in Plymouth. Set over two days, it really is great fun. The six contestants are limited to 500kg of fireworks each, which means 1.5 tons of fireworks each night.

On tuesday night Helen & I went to Queen Anne's Battery and we sat in Freddie, drinking tea with my friends Mark & Sal. On wednesday night Helen & I went to Mountbatten and this time we brought our deckchairs and thermos. Although Helen took the piss out of my deckchairs (most notably the rather useful tray that lifts up on the side), I wasn't the one wrapped under the tartan blanket.

But there were some rather fantastic fireworks on display, including some I'd never seen before. My favourite was a screamer that shot up, then started to plummet before suddenly taking off again. Absolutely remarkable. I shall be posting on the blog next year's dates, as and when I know them. I would thoroughly recommend that everyone comes down to Plymouth to watch next year.

This is where they set the fireworks off.

Got in trouble today

I was behind a blind man at the cashpoint. He asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Paintball JFK



For those that receive White Spirit by email, click here to watch the video.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Anarchy in the UK

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is forever upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, whom everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control.

Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

Football Lookeylikie

With the advent of the new football season nearly upon us, here is Liverpool's Dirk Kuyt and Sloth from the Goonies.

Robot Chicken from [Adult Swim]

The darkest sketch in history. (Adult Swim version didn't seem to work, so I've nicked it off You Tube.)



For those on the email list, click here to watch the video.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Dodgy Advertising



Like a Badge of Honour

As an interesting aside to the debate on parenting and education I am having with the venerable Shit Sandwich and White Spirit newbie Verglas, a woman walked past my office today. She was in her late 30's and had 'ASBO' tattooed on her upper arm. All I can say to that is that at least she managed to spell it right.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Especially for Kyklops

Aren't you glad they're on our side?



For those that receive the email link, click here to watch the video.

Ladyboys love you long time

You know you want him













Heard the best news today in a long time. Apparently, women searching for the perfect partner avoid macho men in favour of feminine-looking men who they see as more committed and better parents, research has found. Finally, some good news for us non-alpha males. Although I suspect they probably want to shag the bad boys, then find a nice girly man to look after them...

AC Alittlesilhouetteofaman

My dad runs a family fantasy football league and last year, my team Obi-Wan Kenobi Nil did pretty poorly. I was let down by Sheva and neckless golfer Bellamy amongst others. But this year, with a new team name (5 easy White Spirit points for anyone that gets it), I once again have high hopes for my boys:

Team Name: AC Alittlesilhouetteofaman
Manager: 'Big' Chez Guevara

(Goa) Given...............Newcastle

(Def) Cole A..............Chelsea
(Def) Evra.................Man U
(Def) Khizanishvili.......Blackburn
(Def) Lee Young Pyo.....Tottenham

(Mid) Ronaldo.............Man U
(Mid) Bentley..............Blackburn
(Mid) Gerrard.............Liverpool

(Mid) Drogba..............Chelsea
(Mid) Tuncay..............Middlesborough
(Mid) Bent.................Tottenham


Fantasy Football victory, here we come!

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Don't know their R's from their Elbow

Shocking report from the government that apparently 120,000 11-year olds cannot read or write properly and 140,000 are unable to do sums. 120,000 children equates to 1 in 5 and frankly, I'm shocked at that. How does a child manage to get through infant and junior school without being able to read or write?

I just don't get it. The 3 R's - which I've always thought were a misnomer in itself, I mean, no wonder kids are struggling if the experts call it reading, riting and rithmetic - should be a basic for every child. I can understand some may struggle with dyslexia, learning disabilities and a few others slipping through the net with bad teaching; but 20% of all kids?

The answers must surely lay with the teachers, parents and education chiefs. I would be horrified if my kids couldn't read or write. And as a teacher, I'd be ashamed if nearly a quarter of my class couldn't read or write. I don't profess to know all the answers, but I do know something has got to change.

Strange Links continued

Looking for this?










I wrote recently about strange referrals to the site. And I'm now getting some even weirder links. I'm still getting a healthy number of titfuck references, for some reason. Although they all seem to be looking for the Titfuck Game - whatever that is. Incidentally, if I was a games writer for the Nintendo Wii (the games console with the interactive control unit that you strap to your wrist), I'd definitely write a sex game. Probably 'soggy biscuit', with the players masturbating furiously over a digestive. But I digress.

But I am getting some various strange ones. How about toe-rag Potter vocabulary? Or Ruud Gullit Moustache? Or Vintage Kappa Tracksuit?

I know that search engines throw up the weirdest stuff, but I'm just wondering why anyone on this planet would want to google for Ruud Gullit's moustache. And what they think when they get here. Particularly all the Danish, Polish and Italian pervs looking for the titfuck game. (And when they find it, can they please come back and let me know what it is.)

Play it Again, Cam

Had a very eventful weekend this weekend. On Saturday I drove down to sunny Camborne, where Carrie had invited some friends over for a games night. I haven't had a games night probably since Anna left England and it was great fun. Carrie had got a large whiteboard from work and Sarah brought Pictionary & Taboo. George & I just brought our incredible wit and intellects (and crisps).


















Obviously George & I were an unstoppable pictionary team as our superior drawing skills (ahem) and ability to think laterally left Carrie & Sarah a close second. Then we moved onto Taboo, which was just as much fun. Obviously your author's superior intelligence (double ahem) and cat-like reflexes meant I won, but we were all moral victors, as a great time was had by all. I'm certain we had a better time than the alternative entertainment on offer in Camborne.












At the end of the night, I was treated to an impromptu jazz jam by Carrie and Ross with his brand new bass, before I drove on impulse to Whitsand Bay. Spent a lovely night on the cliffs, overlooking the sea.

Then back to Plymouth on Sunday morning for a 12-hour ironing marathon. I should have got sponsored.

Monday, August 06, 2007

So THAT'S why he's in the team

After yet another anonymous display from Frank Lampard in Saturday's traditional curtain-raiser, I can now understand why Frank Lampard is in the team. (Insert own Ballack joke here).

"You want it Mour-in-ho"

Spam-a-LOT

I get so pissed off with the mountain of spam emails that I receive each day. From the surreal to the ridiculous, it has really worn me down. So finally, I decided to buy some of these little blue pills that apparently increase the size of your penis, and fuck me they work! I used to think that spammers were snake-oil salesmen, but I would now heartily recommend them to anyone.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Bush Pictures

No introduction needed!



Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Add White Spirit to your Google page

Great new way to keep up-to-date on new posts for White Spirit. For those of you that are using iGoogle, you can now add Smells Like White Spirit to your homepage. All you do is click 'Add Stuff', then click 'Add by URL' and enter http://www.chezguevara.com and click 'save'. When you sign into iGoogle, you will then see links to the last 3 posts made.

Igoogle (UK URL http://www.google.co.uk/ig)
is the same as google, but you get a customised front page to include whatever you want. I've got a link to my favourite Ipswich Town website, Those Were The Days, plus moon cycles, news, sport & weather. Quite good, really.

Incidentally, you can also keep up to date on the Shit Sandwich by adding the URL http://www.shitsandwich.co.uk - and Kyklops by adding the URL http://kyklops.blogspot.com.

Sadly for Little Zoe, Myspace is not linked to iGoogle, so her plans for world domination will not include Google.

I feel like my Dad!

Took the day off work today to catch up on stuff. And decided as well to work on Freddie. There was a cupboard at the back of the van by the bed which was really in the way. So today I bought a jigsaw, sawed the cupboard in half and extended the bed. I bought wood, and I even measured it all properly and carefully. And now it's finished, it all looks good (well, good for me) and I'm feeling quite proud of myself. I have an irrational fear of anything to do with DIY, particularly carpentry. And I've just made my first cupboard. Who knows, maybe they'll make a man of me yet.