Birthday Bonanza!

I've had a great couple of days, which climaxed in a rollercoaster birthday today. I've bought a camper van from Ebay (again. I know. Shut up.) and it's been rather an adventure.

The van - a mighty 2 litre Bedford CF2 in British racing green - was situated in Dover, so I decided to pay a visit to the mighty Tafkass in Folkestone on the way. Buoyed by my good fortune at finding a coach ticket from Plymouth to Folkestone for the paltry sum of £14, I set off on Tuesday morning in good spirits. And the good spirits continued upon my arrival in Folkestone, as we once again raped Taf's whisky collection.

Following a hearty vegetarian breakfast with the Ladies & Gentlemen of the road in Folkestone's finest Wetherspoons, we made our way to my new van. After an emotional goodbye, Taf dropped me off and I picked up my new purchase - the Baron. (so called as I will paint him red and he's empty inside).

Apart from reverse gear being where 1st gear should be (and therefore crunching the gearbox a few times on the way), my journey in the Baron was uneventful. As I reached the M25, my plan had been to drive straight home to Plymouth - but at the last minute, I suddenly decided to turn right to Ipswich instead, and make a surprise visit to my family.

Today was my birthday and it was great to spend it with my family for the first time in many years. And then finally it was time to head home - so I managed about a mile down the road before I suddenly broke down.

Oh no! The horror! For shame, to break down on my birthday! Fortunately, I'd had the foresight to also buy breakdown insurance (with my record on breaking cars and camper vans, it would be suicidal not to) so I called for help.

After the rozzers had nicely towed me off the dual carriageway (fortunately failing to see that my tax had actually run out in May - ahem), the cavalry arrived. Alas! My van was broken and he could not fix it. So he towed me back to the depot, whereupon he confirmed that I was to be towed back to Plymouth.

Down and deflated, I sat in the waiting room - another broken van. Another silly purchase. Another long journey on the back of a tow truck. Harumph. And off we set, some three hours later after I'd originally set off from my parents.

But all was not lost! The man in the van mentioned casually that my van wasn't actually broken - I'd just run out of petrol! And although we'd stuck a bit more petrol in it, the fuel pipe was just blocked with air. He'd cleared the blockage - and drove it onto the back of the tow truck. There was in fact nothing wrong with the van - he just fancied a trip to Plymouth.

Hurrah! So I saved a fair old whack in petrol home (it is a little thirsty on petrol, more thirsty than I had hoped), got back much quicker than the Baron would have done. And it doesn't need fixing.

As for the Baron - sadly, he's not quite wide enough for me to sleep in sideways, and is also a bit petrol-thirsty. So I have decided to kit him out as a proper camper van, get an MOT on him and sell him (hopefully for a considerable profit) back on Ebay.

So, all in all - I was disappointed to find out that the van wasn't really suitable for me and to break down - but all was well in the end. Let's hope that Friday the 13th is a little bit calmer than Thursday 12.

You can't polish a turd, but you can rub it in Glitter

Yes alright, it's perhaps not a particularly appropriate or fitting headline for a fictional documentary on capital punishment, but I thought 'The Execution of Gary Glitter' was both thought-provoking and very well written. Most of the characters were believable and Hilton McRae was simply excellent as the man himself.

I also think the decision to make it as a documentary was rather inspired - and thought the writers were careful not to take sides. There was no question of it being a vehicle to ram home their own opinions, and neither side was portrayed as right or wrong. The death penalty is without doubt a moral quagmire - and the whole point of the show was to question our own attitudes to it. Indeed, it has put the topic of capital punishment firmly back in the public spotlight for the first time in years.

I think there is no more emotive subject than child rape - and on that basis, it is hard to argue for human rights for anyone that carries out such an abhorrent crime. I don't have children, but I do have nephews - and if that happened to any of them, my initial reaction would certainly be that I want to kill the person who did it. But would I? If it actually came to it? Would I actually take another person's life?

And I have to say, the honest answer is no, I wouldn't. Right at the end - if it really came to it, I wouldn't. Oh don't get me wrong, I would want them to pay for what they'd done. But, at the end of the day, I am not a monster. And I feel that if we play by the same rules as the evil we're trying to fight, then eventually we become what it is we are trying to overcome.

Ghandi once said "There are many causes that I am prepared to die for, but no causes that I am prepared to kill for".

It's not that these monsters deserve to live - it's just that we mustn't descend to their level. You don't fight evil with evil.

Three is the Magic Number

I've finally hit the magic three weeks of not smoking, although it actually feels like three months since I stopped. But three weeks is an important moment in not smoking - it's the time when the madness finally departs, when smoking stops being an integral part of your life and when you start being yourself again.

Oh don't get me wrong, I still have the odd urge - that quiet voice in your ear, the quietest of suggestions... And perhaps that never really leaves you, I don't know. And perhaps accepting and understanding that is what will stop me from falling over again in the future. I truly hope so. But right now, I'm just happy to have my head back and myself back.

It really is quite amazing how nicotine tries to get you to fall over in those first three weeks. It attacks on all fronts and can turn the most grounded and secure individual into a gibbering, fear-driven, clingy bundle of insecurity.

I am well and truly glad to see the back of it. Here's to a smoke-free lifetime. And if I ever end up smoking again, I will cut my own cock off.

Johnson & Nutt Sack: "Unseemly Spat"

David Cameron has called the row between Alan Johnson and the sacked Professor David Nutt an 'unseemly spat'. I haven't got anything to actually say about it - I just had to somehow crowbar in possibly the best headline in history.

A Colourless Performance

So it's over and the free world is safe. Yes, Nick Griffin's appearance on Question Time has passed without major incident and we've all managed to avoid catching Fascism.

Like a fat John Barrowman after a stroke







It was an interesting set-up; three heavyweight politicians on one side, then Nasty Nick and Bonnie Greer on the other. Personally, I thought the Beeb and DD handled it as well as they could have done. Yes, the vast majority of the programme was about the BNP - but it would have been a nonsense for it not to have been, particularly bearing in mind the publicity of the last week or so.

I was nervous beforehand; I was concerned that Nick Griffin's tub-thumping, martyr-like rhetoric, coupled with a witchhunt from the audience and the panel, would play right into the BNP's hands as the anti-establishment hero of the disaffected and disillusioned.

Instead, I think that Griffin was given the opportunity to voice his views, but that he was given a sound hiding, not just by the panelists, but by the audience too. In fact, I don't think that Griffin did that well at all. He came across as shifty, unpleasant and rather lightweight.

There will be plenty of comment made in today's papers about the debate; Hardcore BNP followers will say he was ambushed, 5 against 1. Most people will say he didn't come across very well at all. He made the odd point, but that was not a performance to 'propel the BNP into the big time'.

However, I thought the most interesting point of all came in the treatment of Griffin from the panelists; the three politicians (Jack Straw, Baroness Warsi & Chris Huhne) were aggressive in their attacks. They were all strongly worded and hard-hitting to greater and lesser effect. But I thought Bonnie Greer had the best approach to Griffin - using humour to make the point of how irrelevant and wrong his party is. And of all the panelists, I felt that he was most uncomfortable with this approach. Fake grins and laughter were all he could manage.

Because that's it, really - Nick Griffin is like a 5-year old child with ADHD - he demands attention, good or bad. To be attacked on all sides by these political heavyweights means that he is being taken seriously by the three major parties - and that falls right into his lap as the anti-politician, voice of the silent majority that he so likes to play; however, to be mocked and ridiculed means that he isn't being taken seriously. Bonnie Greer ran rings round him tonight, and he came across as a naughty schoolboy.

So that's how we should all play it - the more we keep going on about the BNP being a serious threat, the more likely it is going to be. Personally, I agree with Bonnie Greer - no matter what the BNP might think, the British people have far too much common sense. Now, Griffin, get back on the naughty step where you belong.

'Black N Proud' or 'British Nobel Prize'. Both are rubbish. Sorry.

Fantastic story in the news today with the BNP being told it must allow black and asian Britons into the party, following a court case brought by the Equality and Human Rights Commission. Of course, the likelihood of any black and asians Brits wanting to join the party is pretty slim - but I think they're missing a trick.

If I were black or asian, I'd be rounding up as many hard bastards as I could, telling them all to join. Then, every time the BNP has any kind of gathering, I would ensure that we all are present, right at the front. I would love to see Nick Griffin give one of his trademark racist speeches in front of 500 bad motherfuckers.

Actually, that really isn't that bad an idea. I have no idea how many voting members are in the BNP. But I bet if a prominent non-white personality got involved - someone like Shami Chakrabarti, for example - and say she said "Right! Everyone who is against the racism of the BNP - join the party." And say they did. And then, say, she caused a vote of no-confidence in Nick Griffin... I think it's fair to say that it would be rather interesting to say the least.

It actually just needs one person to be the focal point for this. Just one person to take a stand... Damn, I wish I were black and famous. I'd be a shoe-in for next year's Nobel Prize.

Knock Knock

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Police"
"Police who?"
"I'm afraid there's been an accident."
"Police who?"

Kemp Site

Today is indeed a day of days. My artistic folding of Ross Kemp's face has been selected for the Kemp Folds website. Simply entitled 'Zippy', visit the website to have a look. Feel free to post a comment, saying how brilliant it is.

http://kempfolds.blogspot.com/

Arbre-ing a Grudge

This tree was right next to the little cafe in the campsite on Tavira Island. And if you look very carefully, it's possibly the grumpiest-looking tree in the world.

No Mean Graffiti

Saw this fantastic piece of graffiti in Tavira, on a pathway leading to the beach, right in the middle of nowhere. To whoever painted it, I did. And it made me smile whenever I saw it.

Logo (nads)

Saw this on a building in Faro, Portugal on my recent trip out there and it just made me laugh. I think it's for some sort of Doctor's Surgery or a medical lab or something - I just love the logo, of two people pointing at their own genitals.

"Christ on a bike. Is it supposed to look like that?"

"Mummy, it's winking at me."

Embittered Ex-Mayor

I know that Ken Livingston had to find something to do after he lost the London Mayorship, but I had no idea he'd formed a band in Portugal.

Has it been worth it?

'Operation Enduring Freedom'. Remember that? October 2001, it was the name given to the invasion of Afghanistan to overthrow the Taliban. 8 years on - and after the unwelcome milestone of the 200th British soldier to die there - just how is that 'Enduring Freedom' working out?

Firstly, perhaps I need to say that I am not necessarily a pacifist. Gandhi is a hero of mine, but his policy of 'non-violence' only really works against a nation that does more or less adhere to a certain moral code. Against someone like Hitler, Stalin or even Saddam Hussein, Gandhi's actions would have been disastrous and bloody.

So I begrudgingly accept that there are times when you have to stand up and fight for what is right. Like the fight against Fascism in the 30s, which eventually led onto the Second World War, for example. That was a war that even the strongest pacifist has to concede was unavoidable.

However, is the war on Afghanistan in that category? 8 years later - 200 British deaths later - we have to look and see what have we managed to achieve there? Whenever you pay a price with the blood of your own soldiers, it is important that you know it was worth it.

And I have to say, in my humble opinion, it hasn't been.

At the start of the occupation of Afghanistan, there was a lot made about the oppressive nature of the Taliban. Particularly about their treatment of women. The removal of the Taliban was the only way to give democracy to Afghanistan, freedom to men and women throughout the country, it was said.

8 years on, it turns out that things are worse for women than it ever has been. It is now legal for a man to starve his wife if she refuses him sex. It is legal for a man to rape his wife. A woman still needs her husband's permission to work. And it is obscene that we are sending British soldiers to support that regime.

The level of self-immolation (setting themselves on fire) amongst women has never been so high as it is now. It is a sad truth that when there is no justice for women, they see no other way out than suicide.

Afghanistan is now run by Warlords, and opium production since the US occupation in 2001 has exploded. There was almost no opium produced under the Taliban, according to the UN's Drug Control Agency - now Afghanistan produces 93% of the world's opium, an increase of over 4000% by some estimates, which represents over half the country's GDP.

So what's changed? Women are still being raped, oppressed and abused. A child born in Afghanistan has a 25% chance of not making it to their fifth birthday. I would suggest for the average Afghan, not a lot has changed at all. Except now there is also war, with the poverty and destruction that brings as well as oppression.

And we have a democratic election as we speak, although it would appear that they are simply puppets of the various warlords. The names may change, but the story remains sadly the same.

Ukraine's Got Talent

This is possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And incredibly it's from Ukraine's Got Talent. I have to say, I've never seen anything like this before and it did move me to tears*. Enjoy.



*Although that could be because I'm a big girl.

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Tories to Remain Utterly Silent until after General Election

A senior source within the Conservative Party has divulged that the Tories intend to say absolutely nothing whatsoever until after next year's General Election, preferring instead to let Labour do all their work for them.

After substantial analysis, the Tory think tank Policy Exchange has isolated Gordon Brown's three major flaws: Everything he does, everything he says and the unerring ability to come out smelling of shit even when he's right.

You can't
polish a turd








However the tipping point has been the fact that once again Gordon Brown is facing the prospect of a leadership challenge - and the two main candidates are Harriet Harman and the unelected self-appointed Dark Lord of Fucking Everything, Peter Mandelson.

In an interview with the Telegraph, the head of Policy Exchange, Fisty B'Stard said:

"So let me get this right. Even if they somehow manage to prise open Gordon Brown's death grip on power and get rid of him, the alternative will be either a megalomaniac Sith Lord or a man-hater. That's like asking would I prefer to be anally raped with my own dismembered penis or brutally murdered with a clawhammer."

"However, every time David Cameron opens his mouth, he does tend to say something incalculably stupid. So we've decided it would be best for everyone if he remains utterly silent. We think that as long as we can keep his mouth completely and totally shut for the next 9 months or so, we'll be in Number 10 before you can say 'vacuous'. Obviously we don't need to worry about the Lib Dems, so with Labour as they are, hopefully we'll be a shoe-in."

"I mean, Peter Mandelson. In charge of the Labour Party. Ha ha ha ha!" he said, before adding "Aha ha ha ha ha."

Bank Anger Profit Bonus in Fatcat Fury Shame

Furious fatcat taxpayer money bonus and angry meltdown shame greed, it emerged today.

Barclay men show disgraced £3bn taxpayer jobless recession profit despite shame bonus and taxpayer meltdown crunch disaster. But as bank shame anger rose to fatcat, outraged tax money say bail-out meltdown pay for risky bonus greed shame fury.

Bill, a furious angry man, say: "Fatcat. Meltdown. Taxpayer. Greedy shame fury. Make bad thing go now."

Wayne, a sad jobless, say: "No job. Me. Them money. Bonus things. Nice bonus money things. Me no things. Fury anger bonus shame."

Margaret, old woman from nice place, say: "Pensioner. Me. Old lady. Fatcat greedymen. Winter so cold time. No soup. Me go all blue. Then what?"

Vince, a politics man, say: "Appalling. Nasty, shamey greedymen. All angry pocket lining and excessive shame risk. Homes. Jobs. Billions. Crisis-crunch." He add: "China! Fred Goodwin!"

But Tom, analysing man, say: "Pensions. That's your pension. That £3bn is where your pension comes from. Stop talking now, fucknut idiots."

The Best Website on the Internet. Ever.

Very occasionally, you come across something that just makes you truly understand. Perhaps a song that makes you realise that all music up to this point had just been tuning up. Ladies and gentlemen... I have today been shown such a thing. It is, quite simply, the reason why the internet was invented for everything up til now has been simply mucking about. I give you (and Leah, I'm eternally grateful for this):

KEMP FOLDS

Shatner vs Palin

And there's only ever going to be one winner. This is William Shatner reading Sarah Palin's farewell speech verbatim. Enjoy.



Click here to watch the video if you're reading this by email.

Jeremy Clarkson Beat Box

No need to add anything, really. Here you go!



Click here to see the video if you received this by email.

You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm an experienced health professional, no time to talk

Whilst trawling through the internet today for news, I stumbled across a rather useful article in the Daily Mail (and it's not often that you say that). It's title is How to Save a Heart Attack Victim. It is a worry of mine that someone will have a heart attack or something and I won't know what to do, so I read the article with some gusto. I'm really glad I did.

Amongst other things, it has the following advice about giving CPR:

"Put your hands in the middle of the chest on the breastbone and push down as hard as you can, 100 times a minute (roughly the same rhythm as the 'ah, ah, ah' bit in the Bee Gees song Staying Alive; I'd sing it in your head, though)."

I actually can't stop laughing at that. I cannot think of a more surreal and funny situation than performing CPR on a heart attack victim, whilst singing 'Staying Alive' in a Bee Gees falsetto. On the plus side, I'm never going to forget it.

Mailicious Reporting

As I'm currently experiencing the joys of Swine Flu, I am pleased to see that the Daily Mail has got my back. They're not getting swept away by sensationalist scaremongering:

"Do you ever feel as if The Authorities are doing their damnedest to scare us all to death? First, there's swine flu" writes Lorna Martin in today's Mail.

"When raising the threat alert for swine flu from level four to five in April, Margaret Chan, head of the World Health Organisation, declared that 'all of humanity is under threat'..."

"While sadly, at the time of writing, 31 people have died in the UK after contracting the virus, as many as 29 of them had other underlying, life-threatening conditions. That means there have been as few as two deaths solely caused by the swine flu virus. Two! T. W. O. Six thousand people die from normal flu every year in Britain."

Quite so. Those dastardly, irresponsible, scaremongering 'Authorities'.

On a completely separate note, here's a headline from The Daily Mail on May 1:
'How swine flu could be a bigger threat to humanity than nuclear warfare.'

Why Facebook is Weird

Facebook is a funny thing. One one hand it's a great way of keeping in touch with friends all over the world without actually having to talk to any of them. On the other hand, it seems to be a breeding ground for all manner of weird and wonderful things.

On the news feed this evening, I noticed that one of my friends has become a fan of 'Getting Paid'. I have to say, I was somewhat flummoxed by this. It seems to suggest that 'getting paid' is a choice - as if you go to work and think "Yes, I think I'd like to get paid this month."

Which got me wondering what other fan groups there are that state the bleeding obvious. Once I managed to get past the 'Punch Babies in the Face' group, it turns out there is also a page for 'Not Being Punched in the Face', with a great picture to really put make that fact hit home. This group has over 1000 members.


















However, this fan group pales into insignificance when compared with fans of 'Not Being Murdered by Clowns', which has over 44,000 members. That's twice more than the Facebook petition against knives group. Although the group for 'Rape = Not Cool' only has one member. So there you go.

Brown and Out

You know, I've always liked Dr Ian Gibson, the former Labour MP for Norwich North. Oh, I don't actually know much about him or what he stands for. As an Ipswich boy, I just loved his Alan Partridge-esque comments that his constituents were inbred.

But despite that minor faux-pas, they continued to like him and many took great exception to Gibson being made Labour's scapegoat for the expenses scandal. I can't really see why he was so furious - at best his expenses claim was outside the spirit of things and at worst, downright illegal. Using taxpayers money to buy a flat for his daughter to live in for nothing, and then selling that flat to his daughter for a vastly reduced amount has got to be wrong in anyone's book. One less rotten MP has got to be a good thing and in my book, he's lucky not to be in prison.

But now we've had the by-election and Labour got hammered. Which isn't particularly unusual when it comes to a by-election, the governing party always gets trounced. But this one just feels different. More than ever it feels like a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

I particularly enjoyed Gordon Brown's reaction after the by-election "It's disappointing, but I don't think any party can take a great deal of cheer from this."

Really Gordon? Really? Because I have to say, on the news, the Tories looked quite cheerful.

Gordon Brown is making an absolute dog's arse of the Labour Party and is showing himself to be totally and utterly out of touch with pretty much everyone in the whole country. He seems to be driven by only one motive and that is to cling to power for as long as is humanly possible, no matter what. He does not possess the humility to let go and his party does not seem to possess the strength to make him. His quest of power for power's sake is shredding any credibility that Labour has left.

I can't help thinking about the General Election in under a year. Gordon Brown's death grip on power is currently making a Tory landslide a frightening inevitability. David Cameron doesn't have to do or say a damn thing between now and then - Gordon Brown is winning the election for him all on his own.

After John Major, I thought the Tories would be finished as a political force, particularly after the energy and enthusiasm of Tony Blair. It's taken them 12 years to reinvesnt themselves to the point where they are vaguely electable again. But David Cameron doesn't have the charisma of a young Tony Blair - David Cameron's main character trait, his number one reason for voter popularity is that he isn't Gordon Brown.

If the Tories get in next year, it saddens me to say you can pretty much forget about Labour as a political force for quite some time. I just hope that someone picks up the slack on the Left or we're in for some frightening times.

Best Cat Name Ever?

My cousin LZ asked "was the cat owner a big Beatles fan, do you reckon? I can't think why else you'd name a cat 'Help'." Personally, I think it's genius. And if ever I get another cat I'm going to call it 'Fire'.

Erm, Sorry about that.

Ahem. Your writer is feeling mildly sheepish today after this heartwrenching outburst yesterday on stopping smoking. It turns out I was simply overtired from not enough sleep. 10 solid days of getting up way too early, going to bed way too late and generally kicking the arse out of everything inbetween finally took its toll, turning me into a whining puddle of pathos. All it took was one good night's sleep and I'm back to feeling normal again. Yeah... sorry about that.

Thanks to everyone for the lovely messages of support and for those that did have to listen to my pathetic grizzling. I think the funniest thing of all is that when I am that overtired, just like any self-respecting 6-year old boy, I do take it really seriously. Thankfully I was able to get some good advice (you know who you are!) and then slept for 14 hours solid.

On a positive note, I do feel proud that I didn't fall over on the smoking thing and that stopping smoking wasn't actually the cause at all. Although I do need to perhaps take on a little bit less than I have been doing recently. Anyway, normal service has now been resumed and I will now stop whining like a bitch.

This is how sorry and sheepish I am.

Confessions of an ex-Smoker

Today it has been exactly three weeks since I stopped smoking and I am aware of the fact that I am doing well. I managed to get through the first couple of days of face-melting anguish and dribbled through the blancmange-brain phase. I feel that things should be getting easier now and in some ways they are. So why do I feel so crap about it all today?

It's often round about this time that my previous serious attempts to stop smoking have fallen down. Non-smokers may find this strange - Surely once the strongest cravings have subsided, it should be plain sailing? And yet it isn't.

Smoking is a particularly insidious and manipulative addiction, quite capable of changing a person's behaviour and character. I actually externalise my addiction into a separate entity, the 'nicotine monster'. I find this helps no end in providing a focus for any frustration or irritation I may have. And today it's being an utter shit.

You might think that withdrawal symptoms from smoking are linear - it starts strong and gradually reduces to nothing. This is not the case. You can have a month where you don't think about it at all. Then, on a rainy Tuesday in July, it attacks you from all sides without warning or provocation. Today is one of those days.

How does it make me feel? I feel both furious and yet totally vulnerable. I feel short-tempered beyond belief - and yet incredibly needy and insecure. I want to scream at the world and to cry until my eyes hurt. I want to run for 10 miles, although I'm too tired to even leave the house. I feel like someone's tied a knot inside my stomach. I want someone to hold me, stroke my hair and tell me everything will be OK.

And what's most irritating of all is that I know none of this is real. This is not real emotion. I am not an angry or insecure or needy person. So I'm trying to ignore it and wait for it to go away, albeit today with limited success. Hence why I'm writing this.

I can handle the cravings. In many ways, that feels like a bare-chested man-fight, a struggle of will, a battle between good and evil. And although it hurts, it's a good hurt. It's a battle you can see and it's a fair fight.

This is much more subtle and much more dangerous. It's like a fake depression, I guess. The nicotine monster is trying to make me feel that everything is rubbish - and that I am rubbish - so that I go back to smoking. Things that are good are undermined, it throws a veil of deceit over everything. And it takes tremendous willpower to remain positive.

Sigh. At least I know that it will go away. And it does strengthen my resolve to never smoke again. I just wish it didn't make me feel so crap. Thanks for listening.

Pandemic Pandemonium

Whenever I think of Swine Flu, I always think of flying pigs. This is perhaps a little disrespectful, seeing as official forecasts suggest it will kill us all by next Friday. Still, I haven't got much on, so it could be worse.

I do however feel sorry for anyone who is pregnant after the National Childbirth Trust (the UK's biggest parenting charity) warned that "the risks of the pandemic were so great that women should delay having babies."

Expect cases of infibulation amongst white middle-class women to soar as Daily Heil-reading expectant mothers try to hold it in as long as possible.

As a man, obviously I do understand the very real danger and pain that any type of flu presents. However, if I were a pregnant woman right now I would be slightly more worried about the prospect of pushing a live human through my vagina.

After childbirth, your vagina is never quite the same again. A bit more worrying than feeling crap for a few days

Topical Lookey-likie

One is a near-mythical being that likes to let a young boy ride on his head etc and so on.

Irony that Alanis Morrisette would have been proud of

Whilst looking at news of the sad demise of Michael Jackson, I saw a link advertising limited tickets to his upcoming tour. In retrospect, I wonder if he wishes he'd chosen a better slogan.

Photo of the Year 2009

Can we fix it?

Don't Worry...

After a few worried communications about my mental state / consumption of mind-altering narcotics (and a very concerned conversation with my mother) I can reassure all my readers I am not on acid or having some sort of delusional breakdown.

A haiku is simply a Japanese poem. And the 'monstrous psychedelic bubble exploding in my mind' is actually the name of an album I've been listening to.

Glad to have cleared that up. Normal drug-fuelled madness will be resumed shortly.

Don't Panic...

What's the plural of Haiku?

My cock is so big
It's like an elephant's trunk.
How big is yours, then?

Britain's Got Talent.
I almost ripped my cock off.
Won't watch that again.

Poor Jim Magilton
He's been replaced by Roy Keane.
Shame, but he was shit.

Baby love

Just got home from visiting some friends with a new baby and they asked me if I wanted to wind it. I thought fucking hell that's a bit harsh, so I just gave it a dead leg instead.

Crap Made-up Topical Gag

I hear that the Policeman accused of being instrumental in the death of G20 demonstrator Ian Tomlinson has been signed up by Max Clifford for a West-End pantomime. Apparently the Policeman in question wasn't too keen until he heard they were going to do Aladdin.

You Know Who You Are...

Political Lookey-likie

Former Chief Executive of HBOS and until recently Deputy Chairman of the FSA James Crosby and X-Files Assistant Director at the FBI, Walter Skinner. And they don't just look the same - they're both victims of hand / face superglue pranks.

I'm sure there's a joke about fucking up the country and 'the Truth is out there' or some other X-Files reference, but I can't be arsed to think one up. Just work it out for yourselves - let me know if you come up with anything half decent.

Football Lookeylikie

Manchester United winger 'Nani' and Michael Jackson from Thriller...

Apparently Michael Jackson's recent problems began after he misunderstood the suggestion "why don't you try twenty seven year olds?"

Special 1 TV

With Jose Mourinho, Sven and the Boy Wayne. This is very, very funny and well worth a watch!

Musical Lookey-likey

"When you've just got the sack
And you look like Gene Hack (man)
That's Scolari...."

(to the tune of That's Amore)

Smells Like Top Videos

The Contenders are:

Bill Bailey's Tribute to Kraftwerk

The Wooden Spoon Game

Jimmy Saville's Jimmy Jangle

The Diet Coke and Mentos Display

The Talkative Parrot QI Advert

Robot Chicken's Five Stages of Grief

A very close second is The Japanese Silent Library Game

But the winner of I think funniest video I've ever shown on this blog is also one of the newest - yes, it's The Holy Ghost vs Drum n Bass, God is a DJ

More Awards will follow when I can be arsed to trawl through my archives. Thanks for watching!

The 'Smells Like White Spirit' Oscars

Was looking back through my blog tonight with someone, which is something I actually never do. And was pleasantly surprised to find some stuff which I still find really funny. That's the advantage to having no memory - you can rediscover the same stuff over and over again, and it's always just as funny as it was the first time.

And it got me thinking - I've now done almost 600 posts over the last two and a half years. Sometimes I've been prolific; other times I've been sporadic. But why not have a round-up so far, for those that can't be arsed to wade through nearly three years of my rantings and ravings?

A bit like those never-ending "I remember" programmes that they seem to loop on Channel 4, but with fewer references to spacehoppers and long-forgotten sweets. Talking of which - someone bought me Space Dust last week. Space Dust! Although it was called something weird like Crackle Whizz or something. But I digress - and I promised no references to sweets.

No, perhaps let's not do it like those programmes - let's do it Oscar stylie. Grand and, erm, grandiose. Probably. Let's start with Chez's Favourite Videos...

QI advert

Oldie but a goodie!

God is a DJ part 2

God is a DJ part 1

Is this video the funniest thing I've ever seen? It's close, very close. I can't think of anything that I've laughed at more than this for a long time...



If you get this via the email, you're going to have to go to the site to see it! www.chezguevara.com. I promise you, it is worth it.

The Best Complaint Letter of All Time?

This is a letter recently received by the Virgin Atlantic customer complaints team and is in my opinion, possibly the funniest customer complaint letter ever. Yahoo News actually called the Virgin Atlantic press office and they confirmed they received the letter and that Richard Branson himself called the author to thank him for the feedback. Here's the letter.


Dear Mr Branson

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it:













I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don't get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it's next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That's got to be the clue hasn't it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in:













I know it looks like a baaji but it's in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you'll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It's only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what's on offer.

I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:














Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It's mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it's baffling presentation:













It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn't want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on:













I apologise for the quality of the photo, it's just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson's face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel:














Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I'd had enough. I was the hungriest I'd been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations:













Yes! It's another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard.... What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I'd done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn't eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can't imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It's just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it's knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincererly...

The Five Stages of Grief

From Adult Swim's Robot Chicken.

Kaká Deal Off as Agent Finally Mentions Word 'City'

BRAZILIAN superstar Kaká has called off a move to Manchester after his agent finally said the word 'City'.

The AC Milan striker was furious claiming he had been duped into believing he was going to sign for a proper football team that had won a major trophy since he was born. Kaká said last night:

"My agent called last week and said that Manchester were interested in me. I was so excited at the thought of all those great players, the traditions, the best coach in the world, and of course Gemma Atkinson's magnificent charlies. I packed an overnight bag and we went to the airport, but as we were walking through the terminal my agent turned to me and said 'oh, in case I didn't mention, it's Manchester City.'

"I stopped dead in my tracks and said, 'are you having a laugh? Seriously, is this some big fucking joke?'. He said to me, 'don't worry, they're a really big club with loads of money. And then there's Mark Hughes'.

"I said, 'I already play for a really big club, I've got loads of money and what, in the name of God, is a 'Mark Hughes'?'

He added: "I walked away shouting, 'go and get me a proper deal from a proper English club that does not include the word 'City'. No Hulls, no Birminghams, and no fucking Stokes!'"

Manchester City said last night they still hoped to complete the deal if they can persuade Cristiano Ronaldo to sign for the club and act as Kaká's butler.

Our Future

Another Firm Bites the Dust

I heard on the news today that Pedigree Chum is the latest firm to find themselves in trouble as a result of the Credit Crunch. Apparently, they've called in the Retrievers.

Now he's on his way out...

A story, as told by France's climate ambassador Brice Lalonde:

A man comes to the White House asking to see Bush. "He doesn't live here anymore," he is told. The next two days he comes again asking the same question, and receiving the same answer.

On the fourth day, the exasperated guard shot back: "I've already told you, he's no longer here."

"I know, I know," the man replied. "But it's such a pleasure to hear you say it."

How about a Big Hand for the Chancellor?

"Look at the girth of my fingers. Like a bunch of bananas. And you know what they say..."









Oh, looks like he's got one already. Has anyone else noticed this? His left hand is actually bigger than his head. Does he have elephantiatis of the hand? Is he the Anti-Beadle? A closet Kenny Everett fan? Or does he simply have a pin-head, which makes the rest of him look like it belongs to a giant? Either way, there's something seriously wrong with this man.

Jokes...

Q. What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A. Dr Dre

************************************

I went to the doctor with chest pains. He took some x-rays and an ECG, and then told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked him why?

He said "because I'm trying to examine you."

************************************

Q. What's the loudest sound in music?
A. Stevie Wonder answering his iron.

************************************

Q. What's Stevie Wonder's favourite colour?
A. Corduroy

************************************

Two monkeys are in a bath.
First monkey says "Oooh! Ooooh! Ooooh! Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!"
Second monkey says "For God's sake, put some cold water in, Kevin"

************************************

Q. What's the first sign of madness?
A. Suggs walking up your drive

My New Favourite Facebook Group

This really does make me laugh. Oh, the cruel irony. Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you:

Your in England.. Speak the Fucking Language!!!!

(Note the piss-take group next to it!)

An Emotional Ivan Campo Sings a Ballad to Jim Magilton

After learning that the Ipswich Town Manager has said he can leave the club, former Bolton and Real Madrid midfielder Ivan Campo sings him an emotional ballad, to try to get him to change his mind.

BNP Google Map

Wonderful new addition to Google Maps, based on the recently leaked BNP party membership online. Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you BNP Near Me. I'm pleased to announce I only have 3 official racists in my post code.

Sense?

Would You?

Following today's revelations in court, the question sweeping the nation today is: How much would it take for you to sleep with Karen Matthews? Observers commented that there hasn't been this level of macabre sexual interest in a court case since Rosemary West.

It would probably be something like this















Rob from London, said: "Bearing in mind we're in a global recession, I don't think there's enough money in the world. Mind you, I don't think there'd ever be enough money in the world. In fact, if you were to build a Dr Who-type Tardis that could fly through space and time, and you were to use that Tardis to collect all the money that's ever been printed, from every planet that's ever been and will ever be, I still don't think you'd have enough money to make me sleep with that."

Jim from Birmingham, said: "I'd do it for a million, so long as you don't tell my wife."

Brian from Glasgow, said: "So long as I had a sharp knife nearby so that I could chop it off as soon as I'd finished, then yeah, why not? I can always buy a new cock with the money."

Michael from Folkestone, said: "I dunno, I'd probably do it for £500. But you'd have to give me a couple of weeks to get the money."

Looking for love? Will you be the one or will you end up under the patio like all the others?

Shannon's Mother "didn't ask" to be ugly

The mother of schoolgirl Shannon Matthews didn't ask to be ugly, jurors heard in a court today. Karen Matthews, mother of five children, all to different partners, also didn't ask to be 'death-faced' and a disgusting heartless slut.

Not my fault










Whilst giving evidence regarding the alleged fake kidnap of Shannon, now aged 10, Detective Constable Alexander Grummitt said he had been 'surprised' at just how ugly Karen Matthews was.

"Like everyone else, I'd seen the photos of her in the papers; but that is nothing to how she actually looks in real life. I mean look at her," he added, pointing to Matthews in the dock. "Once this case is over, there should be a criminal investigation into how she got five different men to sleep with her.

"I was thrilled once little Shannon was found, because it meant I didn't have to spend a second longer in her odious company. Frankly, even seeing her today in this court, I want to rip out my own eyes and vomit in the sockets. I mean, Your Honour - for a million pounds, would you?"

During the recess, whilst Judge Mr Justice McCombe was violently sick in his chambers, Karen Matthews' lawyer told the press:

"Look, clearly she's at the bottom of the gene pool, along with that weirdo Michael Donovan. But she didn't ask to be ugly, death-faced and a disgusting heartless slut, prepared to scar her young daughter for life for a bit of cash. I blame the makers of 'Shameless' for being bad role models."

Photoshopped at birth

I am an East Anglian Boy

Thomsta's local spin on Kanye and Estelle's 'American boy'.

Public Can't Wait to be Truncheoned Across the Jaw, says Smith

Most British people are looking forward to having a policeman stand on their windpipe, the Home Secretary said yesterday.

More than 80% 'want it to be like Abu Ghraib'














Jacqui Smith insisted there was widespread public support for state-sponsored beatings and being asked to hand over your papers.

She said: "People have been coming up to me in the street and demanding I set about them with a baseball bat. One man even handed me a bamboo cane before getting down on his hands and knees and suggesting I start with his buttocks.

"And you would not believe the number of people who have already applied to be stripped naked and thrown in a police cell with a single, bare light bulb that is on 24 hours a day while being pummeled with a high pressure hose whenever they try to go to sleep.

"I ask them 'would you not want to know what you'd been charged with?' and they say 'no, of course not, that would be a victory for Al Qaeda'."

She added: "As I've always said, the vast majority of sensible people in this country understand that being at the business end of a brutal and unprovoked assault will actually make them safer.

"In fact, just last week I got a letter from an old lady who asked me to chase her onto the bus and then shoot her in the face. I thought I was going to cry."

Mild-Mannered Janitors tell Scooby Doo to Fuck Off

In a new twist to the Barack Obama / Mr Tubbs story, the National Association of Mild-Mannered Janitors has told Scooby Doo and his bunch of hippie misfits to fuck off.

"Fuck off and leave us alone"














At a hastily-arranged press conference, Barry Thomas, a spokesman for the NAMMJ said:

"Scooby Doo can fuck right off as far as I'm concerned. They seem to have some anti-mild-mannered janitor agenda. Yes, I'll grant you that Mr Tubbs is a member of the National Association of Mild-Mannered Janitors, but not all our members are psychopathic nutjobs who pretend to be ghosts or vampires or Democrats.

"I tell you, you don't know what it's like. Ever since Scooby Doo, whenever anything goes wrong, we're the first ones to be held under suspicion. Whenever there's a ghost threatening to close down an old cinema or a mummy running amok in an old abandoned house, it's always 'Oh, I bet the mild-mannered janitor's behind all this'.

"What about Hong Kong Phooey? He was a mild-mannered janitor, and yes, admittedly he also did lead a secret life, but he fought crime and he could walk on his fingers. It's discrimination, that's what it is. And I think the fact that Mr Tubbs chose to dress up as a black politician, has a delicious sense of irony.

"Most of our members do lead secret lives, but use it for the general good, like fighting crime as costumed vigilantes. But if they keep facing abuse from the public, and I can only see it getting worse in light of recent events, they'll probably end up telling you all to shove it up your arse. And then you'll be sorry."

In closing, Mr Thomas said he'd like five minutes with Scooby Doo and his virgin weirdo friends in a dark room, with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. "I'll shove those Scooby Snack dog biscuits so far up their arses, they'll be burping barks for a month" he added.

Barack Obama unmasked!

A shocking new story has just emerged about President-Elect Barack Obama, the first black man to be voted President of the United States. Details of the situation are sketchy at this stage, but it would appear that he is in fact the mild-mannered janitor of the White House, masquerading as the Democrat candidate for the Presidency.














Obama - or real name, Mr Tubbs - is, in fact, a white man in his 50's, and has worked at the White House for the last 30 years.

FBI Chief Todd Wurzlesticker said today that Mr Tubbs has been arrested and is currently being held at Washington State Prison. When asked how a janitor had managed to impersonate a US presidential candidate, he said Tubbs pulled it off by using a mask, a series of pulleys and a projector. "And he would have got away with it too if it hadn't been for a set of meddling kids." he added.

The credit for the discovery is being claimed by a small gang of 60's throwback acid casualties. One of the group, who referred to himself only as 'Shaggy' told us about how they had outsmarted Mr Tubbs:

"He like chased us for ages. And we were like Zoiks! But luckily me & my talking dog managed to hide in a set of pots, and using my ventriloquism skills, I managed to convince him we were in the other room. Then, he fell right into our trap of bamboo shoots, tied together with palm leaves. We took off his mask, and it was the mild-mannered janitor. But then, it shouldn't have come as that big a shock. It always seems to be the mild-mannered janitor, now I come to think of it."

Thank Fuck We Didn't Win, say Republicans

Now that the American election is over, John McCain has expressed his relief at not winning.

John McCain breathes a huge sigh of relief















"Our strategy from the start has been to lose the damn thing. Who in their right mind wants the responsibility of running this shit-infested toilet of a country? We're caused a world recession, we've fucked up the Middle East, and everybody in the whole world hates us. I've probably got more money than the whole banking industry put together and frankly, the whole thing is a fucking mess. Obama's welcome to it. We'll have it back when he's either managed to fix it or screwed it up so much that it won't matter what we do.

"I just want any potential gun-toting lunatics out there to wait until then before they decide to assassinate him."

Although Barack Obama remained a firm favourite throughout the campaign, Mr McCain has revealed there were some hairy moments.

"I thought the American people would have had enough of us, after what Bush did. He didn't so much as ruin the country as kidnap it, hold it hostage, tie it up then viciously buttfuck it with an unlubricated rusty pole over and over and over again.

"You could have given Al Qaeda an unlimited supply of fertilizer and airplanes and told them they had 8 years to do as much damage as possible, and they still wouldn't have done as much damage as he did.

"But just to make double sure, I thought the idea of Sarah Palin as Vice President, with her finger on the button if anything should happen to me, and let's face it, at my age, that's fairly likely - I thought that alone would probably be enough to scare the living shit out of anyone.

"But as ever, I seriously underestimated the American people. Most of them seemed to think I was the Bruce Willis character from Die Hard, and was just the sort of person to deal with those ay-rab terrorists. If I had a dollar for every time I was asked to say 'Yippee Kay Yay motherfucker', well, it might just about pay for Obama's media campaign.

"Honestly, it got so bad at one stage, I thought I might actually bloody win the thing. I thought for one horrible moment I was going to either have to get my cock out, or admit to having an affair with Palin. I'm not sure what would have been worse.

"Thankfully, the American people came through in the end, as I knew they would. The secret donations I made to Obama's media campaign were enough to pull him through and the public were spared the sight of my cock or the trauma of thinking of Sarah Palin in a sexual way. And nobody wants that."

Banks not happy until all that's left is Banks

The banks will not rest until they have destroyed everything that is not a bank, experts warned last night. Economists now believe the international banking industry is in the final stages of a detailed plan designed to bankrupt everyone and then kill them.

Dr Bill McKay, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Stage one was to engineer a credit boom and get everyone up to their nipples in debt.

"Stage two was to create some bullshit crisis and then exterminate the housing market.

"Stage three was to beg for a trillion pound bail-out and leave all the governments teetering on the edge of financial ruin.

"Now we're at stage four - refusing to pass on interest rate cuts, killing off any remaining businesses and forcing absolutely everyone into bankruptcy and death."

According to Dr McKay the banks will then tower over a wasteland of abandoned shops and decaying corpses before stealing whatever small amounts of change they can scavenge from the pockets of the dead.

He added: "The last remaining bits of cash will be held by Mervyn King, sitting alone in his office in Threadneedle Street. But the banks will hunt him down and devour him like a horde of rabid zombie vampires.

"They will then bulldoze away the ruins of everything that was not a bank and build a new society filled with pathetic little men who spend all day lending each other money and rubbing used tenners into their groin."

Ross and Brand are Heroes, say Spanish

THE Madrid government last night sprang to the defence of Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross hailing them as the new heroes of anti-Spanish racism.

Prime minister José Luis Zapatero said the assault on Andrew Sachs was 'measured' given the actor's portrayal of a halfwit Spaniard who thinks a rat is some kind of Siberian hamster.

Zapatero said Sachs, banned from entering Spain since 1976, was single-handedly responsible for the country's image as a nation of greasy-haired chimpanzees who have to have everything explained to them twice.
















A spokesman for the Spanish embassy in London said: "We've been leaving dirty messages on his answerphone for years. And every Sunday we camp outside his house and chuck handfuls of paella at his front door."

Spain's biggest newspaper El Pais said: "Señors Ross and Brand are the champions of every waiter who has ever served a table of drunken English tourists who find it amusing to answer all of his questions with 'Qué?' until one of them finally comes out with 'I'm so sorry, he's from Barcelona'."

Meanwhile, the BBC has offered Brand's £200,000 salary to the Treasury to help pay down the jaw-droppingly out-of-control national debt that everyone seems to think is irrelevant compared to some swear words on an answering machine.

And although Jonathan Ross will keep his job, he was last night told to apologise 18 million times over the next three years.

BBC Director-General Mark Thompson said last night: "Jonathan is very sorry and hopes this will go some way to making up for any distress he may have caused. But he remains a valuable part of the BBC and I look forward to threatening you all with jail in order to pay his multi-million pound salary."

Latest National Mood to be Unveiled

SOME of the biggest names in Britain will gather in central London today for the unveiling of the new national mood.

Prime minister Gordon Brown will be joined by host of celebrities including Steve Coogan, Elaine Page, Sir Bobby Charlton and the stars of All Creatures Great and Small.

The mood unveiling comes as a poll in the Daily Telegraph found that 68% of Britons want everything to be much more like Victoria Wood.

Experts are predicting the much anticipated new mood will have no truck with high salaries, nail varnish and swear words, particularly 'fucknut' and 'cunt-features'.

The prime minister is also expected to outline plans for a wide-ranging government inquiry into what is and is not funny.

Tom Logan, national mood detector at the Institute for Studies, said: "The inclusion of the All Creatures cast suggests an early Fifties, austerity kind of mood. We're looking at decency, v-neck sweaters, decency, home-made broth, decency and everything being unbelievably tedious. There might be some scope for a bit of cheekiness on BBC1 on Saturday nights. Perhaps Victoria Wood could give a weekly rendition of that song she does about fucking."

He added: "It will be interesting to see if it works, particularly as most British workers spend their day forwarding emails and videos that make the Andrew Sachs wank fantasy look like Songs of Praise."

Meanwhile public outrage at the treatment of Andrew Sachs boiled over last night as Britain reached a new peak of furious incoherence.

News websites struggled to cope as millions of violently confused readers found themselves unable to contain their angry, ill-informed opinions.

A BBC spokesman said: "Britain is obviously trying to tell us something but they need to slow down and do their very best to communicate in whole sentences."

Some of the comments posted on The Times yesterday:

I don't know who these people are or what this is all about but thanks to them I have spent the entire morning being violently sick on my neighbour's car. It's a bridge too far. Or is it two bridges not too far enough? Bring back Hattie Jacques!
Mrs Margaret, Guildford

How would they like it if someone came into their bedroom in the middle of the night and drenched them in gin and started fondling their legs and then playing with their willy until it made a horrid mess? Not very much, is what I think. Filthy boys. We should kill them with lions.
jstraw, Blackburn

Thankfully I missed this whole sordid episode. When will the BBC do the right thing and repeat in full? I get back from work around six.
Chewbacca, Norwich

But the granddaughter though eh? She's not exactly, you know, is she? I mean come on, let's not forget what this is really all about. Exactly. Vote UKIP!
paddingtonbear69, Macclesfield

This reminds me of the time the Dimbleby brothers phoned me up during 'Any Answers' and offered to wank me into a teapot. I see the BBC hasn't changed one bit.
Andypandy, Taunton

Dear Jonathan Ross

I just shagged your daughter. Who's laughing now?

Yours Faithfully

Gary Glitter x

Banks to Lend You Your Own Money

The Government is to invest £500bn of your money in British banks so they can lend it back to you with interest. The historic move is being hailed as a lifeline for the financial system as long as nobody asks too many questions.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Corbett and Barker, said: "The government will give your money to the banks so the banks can start lending you that money, probably at around 7% APR. Thanks to all the interest you're paying on your own money, the banks will make billions of pounds again and normality will be restored. After a few years of this the government will cash in the bank shares it bought with your money and use the profits to build a huge fucking dome somewhere."

He added: "In case you hadn't already worked it out - the entire global financial system is predicated on the assumption that you're an idiot."

Meanwhile, building a time machine to take us back 18 months would have been cheaper than the multi-billion pound bank bail out, it was claimed last night. As the government spent £500bn recreating the exact economic conditions of April 2007, Britain's leading time travel engineer said he could have done it for half that.

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "You need a Vauxhall Corsa, a small amount of plutonium and something I call the 'flux capacitor'. You simply punch in the date - let's say, April 15th, 2007 - activate the flux capacitor, and accelerate the Corsa to 88mph. At that point a hole opens up in the space-time continuum and in the blink of an eye you've got mortgages being handed out like free newspapers and credit cards coming out of your arse."

"And once you start giving people credit they can't afford and engineering a global banking collapse, you just jump in the Corsa and start all over again."

He added: "Of course, in 2007 there was no such thing as plutonium so we'll have to rig up some kind of giant lightning conductor. It'll be fine."

Meanwhile the National Audit Office has also criticised the government's overspend on recreating April 2007.

A spokesman said: "It would actually have been cheaper to launch an intergalactic space mission to search for the planet Krypton, find Superman, bring him back and get him to fly round and round the Earth until it started rotating the other way, thereby turning back time and opening up the wholesale money markets again."

Iceland

Q. What's the capital of Iceland?
A. About £4.50

Ithangyew.

Bask in my Celebrity

Took part in a Radio phone-in on BBC Radio Devon today, talking about the state of the mortgage market.

If you want to listen, click here:

Chez's 15 minutes of Fame

I'm on about 35 minutes in.